Untitled

10/30/03

haha...i've finally reverted to listening to my sappie songs :) this reminds me of when i was in highschool...i'd stay up til the late hours of the morning playing these songs...

...and i'd want to fall in love...
...i'd want to be swept off my feet...
wondering if he was thinking of me...
if he was up that same hour...

mmm.. ^_^ i'm really happie...i adore all of the mornings i wake up and spend with judy...and we're both half asleep ...the early morning shows at work that entertains my mind as i tumble out of drowsiness...all the smiles i get to share with people as they walk into the center and say hi :D hahaha...and the way the custodians are so silly when they're like "whoa! ur smiling and it's 7am in the morning!" hahaha....the way my boss talks to me about her day and her funny sarcastic comments about the world around her ^_^ the way it feels to know there's only 10 minutes left of work and onto class...

taking the sour punch straws from my bag that crinkles and eating them just as i'm about to fall asleep...(i swear it's the only thing that keeps me awake :) and the way it feels to burrow into my bed with an hour before i have to leave to class again...

the way i eat with my suitemates and we have an incredible spread of the most amazing chinese/korean food, rice cooked in our tiny hot pot...writing at night with my day complete...i guess this typifies a regular day haha...every now and then i have something special going on like GNC small group who i completely adore...

hahahhaa....having CHRIS show up and it's 1 in the morning and i'm asleep and i'm like "what are u doing here???" hahahahaha...if u saw my face..."take a picture of me becki!" -_- hahaha...the every now and then "wow you have the coolest mittens" from strangers :)....rockclimbing with mommie (which i can now take people rockclimbing at the CA gym baby....OOh baby....^_^ hahaha...hit me up!)

me and judy were talking about this...how when we reflect, this year is so much better than last year...i really cherish my friendship with judy...i think it's one of the friendships i'm most thankful for...

mmM...so i'm baking trial chocolate chip diabetic cookies on friday, who wants to taste? :D it's for the nursing home so before we cook an insane batch i'm gonna test them out to see how they turn out...i haven't baked in awhile ^_^ i keep meaning to take up the guitar again too, i'm so busy doing all of the xtra credit..

so here's what it comes down to...i think i'm gonna go full force with nursing and will be applying to rutgers nursing as well as other schools ...and if God leads me...i may still be here at rutgers or i may be somewhere else... but i think nursing is something i want to pursue...

i'm still meaning to hook up my digicamera haha...i'm really debating whether i want to spend 30 dollars on this case for the digicamera..it's really nice...but it's 30 dollars!!!! so i'm kinda nervous haha...

*moOAh* going to take a shower..who wants to go to the liberty science center with me? ^_^

oh yea...*shh....i think i have a new crush....but *shh. i'm not telling anyone who it is...hahaha....it's gone! never to be mentioned again...

that's how you know it's real...when i get mad shy even in my journal *siGh*....i usually never even mention it (that's why the guys kinda come out of nowhere) cause i'm so afraid they'll find this...have u ever noticed how stupid my journal entries become wheni talk about boys -_- haha i'm so silly. *blushes*

haha... but i still feel mad protected by God...i wonder what the guy that God's meant for me is doing and where he is...i pray he thinks of me.. gonna surround myself with fluffies now! *YAY!* fluffies!! i didn't show everyone my ike clone....he's sooo cute!!! his name is oOshie! he's still a baby....i seem to have too many stuff animals to love that i can't decide who to hold at night *frowns*....

this is much too complicated each nite.
haha..

*moAH*

luvs
-becki

10/28/03

i hate waking up to an empty room...

i think i still pretend i'm stronger than i really am.

b/c when i have dreams i wake up crying....

i think it's because i don't fall asleep with a stuff animal in my arms anymore...it's become ridiculous to try to hold all of them at once...

i'm going to hold my polar bear tonight.

and hope all of the bad dreams go away.

luvs

-becki

10/27/03

reading outbreak...can't put the book down...
it's scary that something like that exists...
...
so yea...been busy reading massive quantities of pages each night...
day 2, pg 195.

luvs
-becki

10/26/03

friday - watched kill bill...amazing saturday - six flags fright fest....i jumped during the hayride hahaha...it was so insane.
then scary movie 3...my mind is loaded with so many different things i'm gonna jus pass out ^_^ i've been good *moAh*

luvs
-becki

10/24/03

so my morning starts off with a brisk and chilly walk, haha actually it starts itself with me beginning to lock the door & jumping when judy pops out puahaha...:D so i'm walking (shift ended at the tennis

center..haha...rahul, the next guy who covers after me writes my name on my paper "becky" spelled it with a "y" :P and i'm thinkin he's gonna write "becky is a dork" hahaha...cause that's what he calls me when he sees me studying :D but he put his name underneath mine and drew a heart around it hahahaha...and he's like "don't ask" haha...

so i'm not asking ^_^
back at home..
...and i see the most gorgeous figure walking ahead of me...
and it's soOo my microbio guy ^_^ *swoOn....he's so adorable...i like his eyes :) he would be described as adorable...i think its the way he moves that i like...kinda innocent-ish, but carries a cool shade of grey about him...hahaha it must be because he's the only asian guy i see for three hours every friday ^_~ it's fading, don't worrie luvs about me ^_^
he's my eye candy, my infatuation but would never date :) i think we'd be adorable together...i don't know if he's the type of guy i'd see in my future...i don't know if he's risk breaking my heart over...and maybe a lot of you think it's silly because i think so far ahead...but this is the one thing i need to hold onto that i never have before...i always make the mistakes because it catches me off guard...
when i see the guy...i'll know...even tho' i may be a silly romantic...sappy at best ^_~ perfect moments will sprinkle like sugar on the pavement where we walk...haha i like that...
i like sugar!...hahahahhaa....OHH so new thingie.....sugar and KOREAN RICE...ITS SO AMAZING!! but u have to wait for the rice to get cold and kinda stale-ish on top...(eww stale???) -_- not that stale...pfftt.. yummie stale! hahaha...it's so goOd...sigh...:D it's my new obsession...along with scarfs...(am i spelling that right?)
OoOh >_< scary story... i work friday mornings after lab until 1pm and i'm supposed to close at 1...(lock the doors, make sure all patrons are out) and i was supposed to come back early at 2:00pm (about an hour to go back to my dorm and then back to the tennis center) so as i'm closing up and the last few people walk out of the door, one of the guys stay behind and he's asking me all these questions about the tennis center...like 15 of them no kidding...and he's talking for about 10 minutes and it's now it's already time to close...that's fine, people stay behind to ask me questions all of the time...and then he disappears into the bathroom...so i'm waiting for him to be done....5 minutes pass...10 minutes pass and now i'm worried that maybe he vomitted so i knock on the door and ask if everythings okay and he says yes...so i leave him there for 5 more minutes...so after a total of 20 minutes altogether (now i understand that people have problems....) he finally comes out...and asks me another 10 minutes of questions...it's now it's almost 1:30 of waiting purely for him, so i answer his questions once again and it gets really shady when he asks what other days i work...so i lied and told him it varies...and when he can't push the conversation anymore he's looking at the tennis brochures and finally i tell him...i'm sorry, i need you to leave so i can close up the tennis center...
and there was no way that i was going to close up and leave when he was leaving so that i'd walk the path with him..nooo wayy...i had my walkie talkie with me all the time he was there and i was really scared because first of all....in the facility it's only me, and when there's a shady guy who's in that building and no one else is there, it's really scary..he was asking when my boss was there and i was trying to keep really vague...i really don't want to see him again..i really feel uncomfortable around him...i guess i feel vulnerable...
and like..when i returned at 2 he called and said he left a paper at the tennis center, and one of the guys from the tennis teams were there so i felt okay...and then he left...so i lock the door next to me and when he came, i hope he got the point b/c the entrance way was shut and locked....

sigh. yea i told one of my coworkers who work after me..haha the guy i trained...he was like "what's the guy's name?? i'll beat him up...give me a call and i'll beat him up!" hahaha....OHH CUTE DREAM hahahhaa
is betty out there?? i had the funniest dream with your brother in it.... i had this dream that i was in my dorm room and these three guys came in and they were going to rob me and they started taking my stuff animals...i saw spongecake in their hands and aslan and i was like "no no!! anything but my stuff animals..please!!" i was almost in tears....(i really am attached to my stuff animals if no one has ever noticed...) and so they ran out of the room....

later on i was walking down the hall and i recognized one of the guys as one of the people who stole my stuff and the scene changed to the cafeteria...so i see him in the cafeteria and steve and tony where around me....and so i cry out to tony "tony!!! those guys stole my stuff!!!!" and i was pointing and whimpering all at the same time...and tony was like "where are they, i'll take care of them" so him and stevo go over to the guys and the guys are all intimidated ...hahaha ....and i got my stuff animals back and i remember giving a huge hug to tony for rescuing my stuff animals...so funnie!!! ^_^ fluffies!!

oOh yea so while i was at work...get this...this is amazing....i'm watching the news and i hear about this guy who got struck by lightning while on the set of performing jesus...like a controversial film that i think disgraced God's name...but that's not the amazing part, it's the 2nd time he got struck by lightning....

i was so in like...WOW...and the television reporters were like "that's no coincedence" hahaha...:)

ohh! i'm a dork....hahaha...my two favorite programs every friday at work are Ambush Makeover and Classmates...and i'm jumping up and down and squealing every time everyone has a reaction...mann..i'm so involved!! so emotionally involved hahaha...it's so cute when they take a girl and she gets all dolled up and the guy is just like..."WOW.." i mean it's cute....haha...even tho it seems kinda superficial it's really adorable to see all these guys see their wives as beautiful as the first day they met them...and it must be a wonderful feeling to the wives/g/f's...iono i think it's so cute...and i jump up and down and squeal in my tennis center chair :D

and during classmates i watch in anticipation...haha...i'm a dork! a dork!! *sigh* i live a dork's life and i love it :D *muah*

luvs
-becki

10/21/03

...treating myself to jason mraz... i think what i probably like most about listening to jason mraz is that it's a new phase...not associated with anything but the present...haha...and yes...i feel like everything is right in the world ^_^ i feel like i can just lay in bed and all the worries are gone...it's peaceful to me...

...i adore moments like these...

where i can take the moment for how precious it is...and soak in it like a warm bubble bath... the little pop pop pop of the bubbles massage all of your aching muscles...

that's how it feels listening to jason mraz ...

i think often times i do too much thinking in this journal...or not enough...where there are just fragmented pieces of thought that are a cheap rendition of my actual day and feelings...

mm...soaking in jason mraz for another 11 minutes before i study.

*mooAh*

luvs
-becki

10/20/03

i spent a moment reflecting on all the people who used to be in my life...i check up on them every now and then to see how they're doing..

one is james...another is derrick...and the last one is me...

james was this wonderful friend who i met through a friend...he was a really sweet friend who offered to take me to prom...he gave me the first dozen roses, teddy bear and poem in a card set for valentines day that i ever got...it was so cute...i hope everything is going wonderful with him...

we used to talk on the phone for hours...he'd call me on his phone card...sometimes i think if i had never let go of any of my friends i'd have a lot more friends...haha...but yea...i miss james...he took care of me in a very gentle way...

the other is derrick...my first boyfriend...i'm the only girlfriend of his that never cheated on him...ironic ..it almost becomes a "cheat or be cheated on" kinda game...but i think he finally deserves to find someone after all he's been through ...as long as he knows to treat the next girl right and hopefully he's grown up by now. every now and then i look back and read letters from him and i remember that we had the sweetest relationship. the picturesque moments ...sitting in front of a lake and talking all night until the sun came...those moments come once and fewer as we get older... i know he still kept the present i made for him for his birthday...it was a half a cup thing...with the setup of that night...the same night where we first held hands...

the last one is me...in seeing how different i am now then i was a couple of years ago...i don't know if i've really grown up or if i've become numb...i don't know...

i miss all the people in my life where things are never going to be the same...but i'm happie for them and hope all is going well

with love

-becki

10/18/03

GNC lock in last nite...stayed up til 6am playing poker with rebecca, judy, jason, kui, & sung...we played on one of those professional poker tables that sung had with $160 clay poker chips...haha i know..."shoOo..." so all the guys were these hardcore poker players...while i'm making decorations with my poker chips....puahaha ^_^ and jason kept giving me poker chips to stay alive cause he's the bank!! hahaah and yellow poker chips to replace the one i put in when i raised....soo funnie...well he was like the bank :D cause he demolished so many people with his winnings...and then!! judy wipes out everyone at the end!! *mad proud!!* *soo proud ^_^

never have time enough to write ^_^ mMm but i've been good...
*moOAh*

luvs
-becki

10/15/03

sleepies..been really busy :) my days have been packed that i'm out of the dorm by 7am and back at 2am...*siGh* but i had lunch with my youth pastor ian...he always asks me about the current guy in my life haha...he's like "did we teach you wrong? don't you remember boys are evil?" haha...i should really know this by now :) and i told him I think God wants me to be celibate ...hahaha i always think that...cause iono... :)

but he told me in that very...pastorly tone...

that one day the one meant for me will find me...that i don't have to worry nor go out to look for him because he will come :D but i guess what hit me most was when he said he was proud of me...despite all of my mistakes and my faults...he's still proud of me...

and that means so much. he's been more of a father to me than my own father has...i'm afraid of letting him down...& i'm afraid of letting everyone down anymore...my own mistakes and failures, i sometimes think it only affects me...but it affects the people all around me....

i meant to give a deeper entry today, but life has been going rather quickly and when i'm not studying, i'm at class, and when i'm not at class, i'm sleeping, and when i'm not sleeping i'm at work...there hasn't been any down time....it's kinda catching up to me into an almost burn out mode...but hopefully i can bounce back...

i do want to write about one last thing...it's kinda long but it's taken me awhile to sort this out...so here it is.

i think in a way i can finally be grateful to frankie for the way we ended...

i was thinking about this on the bus...able to go back to some of the memories after a long two months...a lot of times when we were together i'd see something about him that i didn't think i could live within the confines of a marriage...serious issues that i couldn't yet confront him about...reasons why i couldn't see him in my future realistically...but i couldn't tell him...i wanted to keep believing he was my perfect guy...that i didn't make another mistake..to hold onto my ideals so tightly and denying them means i'm back at square one..

i do owe him an apology for not being realistic with him either...we both weren't entirely realistic.

i tried to push them away and believe how i thought he believed...but it affected me in a way so deeply that i couldn't hide it. i would cry and it would seem random and reasonless...where i become completely emotional and all of the little things build up...where i knew being with him no longer felt right...it was tied deeply to my heart that i was trying so hard to convince myself to stay with someone who wouldn't be there in my future...no matter how much i wanted to believe. ...some things never felt right about the relationship...

though i often like to makebelieve and romanticize the relationship more than it was...because i grew up on storybooks and fairytales and expect nothing less...and if something isn't romantic or sweet, i'll find a way of looking at it so that it is romantic and sweet... there was a reality about my intuition this time. i do romanticize a lot...because i so want to fit whatever relationship i'm in to become storybook....it's like forcing a huge circle cushion into a tiny square box.

but i realize when it is the right relationship, things will fit naturally..

the big thing i realized was....i could have only let go of him because of how we ended....i know it sounds...odd? but for those of you who know me and have known me in my past relationships...i would have done anything just to keep him. had we ended any other way i would have held onto him as close as i could, denying and pushing away all my thoughts of everything i couldn't compromise myself with. and cry later when everything i tried to ignore comes back to haunt me....

honestly i did want to believe. time tests everything. everything. a part of me wishes things turned out differently...but he wouldn't have deserved me. lies since the beginning, that's when he lost the chance for us to ever work out...and i guess part of me gets angry at him for that, b/c he never gave us a real chance for us to work out by not starting with the truth...

...i would have been the one to still accept him despite all of his faults and shortcomings...and give him a chance. i always thought i could... he lost that. he lost me. i think that's one of the biggest reasons why we didn't, couldn't, and could never have worked out...

so i think my chapter with him is finally ending.

naturally...no more forced endings...and i know everyone who reads this has walked this with me...between my different phases of getting over him ...

and i think he knew it was for the best that we end. and the way we ended was the best for me. if you look at my entries...

i was really torn...i don't think there was any way i could be happie knowing God wasn't supporting it...and i was reminded of it daily when i found myself falling away from Him...without my foundation i'm treading in deep waters ...reaching out for frankie who couldn't be there all the time and i'd sink in my own sorrow... i didn't like who i was becoming...i felt like a hypocrite...i was losing touch with a lot of my friends...

here are clips of a letter i wrote him july 9th. about a month before we broke up.

::i noticed in all my relationships ...it all started going downhill the more i fell away from God... i became more unstable more needy more sensitive b/c i gave up my relationship with God for them... the dependence I had on God i gave to them b/c they asked for it... and i'd give it up so easily... and what i had with them was something i couldn't rely on...it was like walking on shaky ground...with lies and broken promises that served as temporary foundation the minute i learned the truth, they broke me i fell...i'd be crawling on my knees after the relationship back to God...

i'm used to empty words and empty promises... i'm used to being reassured and having those fall through... ...i guess that's why i expect it so easily... even though you are who you are to me... ...only time will tell the truth... i guess i imagine the inside of myself as a little girl who's crouched down in a dark corner with her back turned toward the world... ::

frankie really didn't understand this letter...or what it meant and took into account.

i think a week or two after i wrote this letter....i asked God to break me. and everything that i had thought was so solid and so real broke into pieces...but He held out his hand and was within reach ready to catch me. if I had to ask Him to break me again in the same way, I would. He was waiting for me all along until I was ready to choose Him again.

now that it's reached it's end...

i'm really happy with a joy that is completely fulfilling..

i'm at a wonderful point in life where i can dream again...all of my silly little dreams.... with all of my friends everything feels so right, i found a church home...and a bible study home...i'm picking up guitar :) and God's really taking care of me... i'm gonna get a bunny to love and love!! and take pictures of with my new digital camera...i'm pulling a's and i'm gaining work experience. i've discovered my major and i've caught up with people i've sorely missed...and i'm free to never miss that chance again for that one perfect guy meant for me :D

and even though i'm tired at the end of the day...i'm happie. beyond words.

...a thank you to frankie. for letting me go...

despite how we ended and all of the hurt that was involved. i think i can finally forgive him. i hope he can forgive me too for all the uhm...bad things i said about him...it was ehm...kinda therapeutic ^_^...and telling everyone he was with that 17year old....that was kinda my own jealousy....and uhm...throwing away all the stuff i wrote for him and cutting him out of all the mochi pictures...humm...and throwing out the godiva chocolates and roses...uhm... bad days :)...but i did keep the cards from him...and one picture of him and mochi.

i can finally look back on my relationship with him and cherish certain memories...

and this is real closure to me.

luvs

-becki

10/12/03

mMm...not so lonely of a weekend this weekend ^_^ i spent my weekend with judy, mike, helen, and eric so it's been a lot of fun :) staying up late watchin jason mraz (my obsession is still there :) www.jasonmraz.com...read his journal entry...i completely adore the way he writes.) throwing pens into the cup, eric and judy laughing at the way i vacuum hahaha...baking at crosby and then at judson the huge carrot cake until 3am in the morning...oh yea and seeing titus there and i'm in my pajamas...it's so weird...

it's the little things that kinda fill in all the empty spaces... my favorite moments....waking judy up and having her say "i had the weirdest dream...i dreamed i offered to cut cilantro for you" hahaha... whining to choi about being lonely and about my wasp sting ( i got stung by a wasp on the palm of my hand inside the tennis center!) and he drives out to keep me company ^_^ that really meant a lot...cause he's choi! he takes care of me :)

watching eric take a personality test taking him like...7 minutes to answer each question "are you sure that's what it means?" "yes eric...you make decisions somewhat carefully...yes you feel better AFTER a decision" cause he's spending so much time on one question!! and having a hammie throw in my face hahahahaa.....

and the play for theatre appreciation...that was definately my favorite experience...it was called "for colored girls" and it was held at the levin theatre on douglass...so many of the things spoke to me because it featured a girl of each of the different colors of the rainbow, telling about their experience...the acting was so amazing...

i want to elaborate on it but i don't think i will be able to give it justice at 6am in the morning

*hugs*
will write later.

luvs
-becki

10/11/03 i bought a digi camera :) it's been a couple of years that i've wanted one & i was finally able to buy one...there are so many memories i want to keep on film...just the way i see the world. sometimes i want to take a picture of my broken shoe...or the signs people draw with chalk that i want to wash away...the way it feels to sleep in my canopy...all of my fluffie stuff animals :) and each new one...all of the friends i meet and the "kodak" moments...the picture of my wasp sting on my hand...my newly painted toe nails...fresh tear drops resting in my hand...the squirrel that crosses the tennis center parking lot each day with an acorn in his mouth... because...those are beautiful moments to capture...in my eyes :) *Hugs* luvs -becki 10/9/03

i was going to wake up earlier to write about my dream but when i looked at the clock it was 6:00 and my body called me to sleep 30 more minutes instead (haha)
i'm seriously considering making a new page just for my dreams! (sigh!) but this one was so cute...
i forgot a lot of the details & i regret not being able to share it...but here's what i remember
i was in a room sitting on a couch with a coffee table in front of me, something previously had led up to me sitting across from my microbio guy...like it was out in the open that we liked each other (which is odd b/c the last time i saw him haha...i told myself i was over my crush :D ) so many doubts! hahaha...nono...not doubts...mm...being shy :) he hasn't expired yet, (my milk analogy!) but i haven't committed to buying him either (puahaha..)
so anyway, in my dream he's smiling at me and we're looking at each other, he gets up, leans over the coffee table and kisses me...i was so surprised!
it felt so real and it felt like how a kiss should feel...(i think i was kissing my blanket or something haha!!) but that's the kind of kiss i could only dream about...omg it felt so real :) you almost regret waking up....but afterwards he apologized and told me it just felt like the right moment...he was so ADORABLE in my dream..
it was a different feeling from my other dream...seeing my "perfect guy" ...it's been since may i think...it felt like all the forces in the world were agreeing with us....
but with my microbio guy...it was so simple and sweet...haha honestly there's a strange attraction i have towards him & a weird sense of tension it seems between us.....mebe it's jus me...mebe it's jus cause we're both asian ...it's not like he's the cutest guy in the world...it's the way he acts..it's the story i imagine him having...it's the way he looks in a white shirt hahahha....MAD CUTE....it's such a strange infatuation with him...
i'm silly :) even tho i don't think my microbio guy would be my perfect guy...i think it would be a really sweet relationship....
...i've never had a real first kiss i haven't cried over..but that's how i also know whether the guy is right for me or not.
i guess i feel like the right guy will take care of my first kiss with him...which is what i expected with the 2nd guy...and the 3rd guy...always end up in tears that night or the next night. i guess the reason why i cry is b/c at that point it's an undeniable wake up call...a kiss should never feel so wrong...it should never feel like the guy is taking away something but giving me a gift...one of the most wonderful gifts where lightning strikes and the world stops for that one moment...i'm not giving up that ideal ever.
but i want a guy who will take me to the sweetest most romantic place & kiss me unexpectedly....and it will feel right...no tears will fall....iono...i want the 1st guy i have with the next guy something i'm so proud about...to write about it in the way i wrote about the kiss in my dream...
where the rain is falling over us but we don't notice it...
where we're holding hands and when he surprises me by kissing me ...i'll want to kiss him back..and we'll run around back and forth tickling each other and we'll fall to the ground on a grassy lawn and it will feel...so right. more right than any feeling i've ever told myself...
just the sweet moment. or maybe on my wedding day. maybe with the next guy we can save our first kiss for the day of our wedding...wait for me...

luvs
-becki

10/8/03

10:15pm

i found a way to get flooble to work on the side! scroll down the first one :) i made a link to it haha...dun be shy!! leave me notes ^_^ mMmm...so it's 9:38pm...it's been busy!! but this is what's happening. about to purchase my minolta dimage xt 3.2mp digicamera, a 256mb SD memory card so hopefully i can take a lot of pictures and post it ^_^ i might be gettin a bunny toO!!! BUNNIE!!! *yayaa!* *jumps up and down* i'm bunny sitting for sunday so hopefully i can convince all of my suitemates so i can keep it :D and then it'll never be lonely on the weekends!! hahaa...

i discovered my major as public health...i think that's almost definately the path i'm going to pursue. my senior year i will be applying to the nursing school and get certified, and then after that get my school nurse certificate...because i think that's what i ultimately want to become...

i want to give the puppet shows about brushing your teeth and make the shots not hurt so much...i want to give bandaids of all different sorts and colors...i want to take care of children when they're not feeling well...and see them smile the next day...

maybe i idealize it a bit much...but having a public health degree allows me also the option to be out there...really be out there dealing with real families and changing their situation around...nursing degree allows me a solid job to fall back on and school nurse...i think it's a job i would really adore...

so yeaa :) it's been busy...but i finally found my direction...God always seems to watch out for me and lead me into a certain path despite whatever situation i'm in...so i'm going forth with it...not looking back ^_^ hahaa ohh yea!! so my recent thing is that i'm into wearing skirts and boots...hahaha...."BECKI? SKIRT??" hahahaha....yeaa...i feel like i'm disappointing all of my friends...but i have to learn to not be afraid to wear a skirt b/c i want to...i guess this represents something greater..hahaha...i've always been ashamed of how i'm turning into a girl (it sounds so silly!) but i remember i couldn't tell anyone how i started shaving my legs early or when i got my first period...i think now i just have to confront certain things ^_^ i do like skirts except that i can't sit certain ways i want to...and i do like pink...i do like getting my nails done and doing all the spa girly stuff...that doesnt mean i won't roll in the dirt...shoo! i'll mud fight yo! hahaha...but it's not like i'm converting to the other side!!! i'm still me ^_^ but letting myself be me without fear of being judged by the people i love most...

iono if this makes sense hahaha...i think that is a huge thing i'm dealing with tho'...learning to be less judgmental ^_^ i adore all my women who are the perfect men for me tho'!! hahahaha so many girls i wish could be my man :D i luv you all! you guys keep me from *gasp*...crying if i break a nail or being wimpy ^_^ hahaha....

i guess cause i wanna be more like mommy...and when mommie was my age she was a lady....and she wore skirts and boots and the more i come to this age the more i recognize how much i am like her....she graduated as a sociology major with an elementary education degree! and she wanted to become a nurse! so crazy! & i admire her for all the qualities she has as a woman....she's my mommie..she's perfect :)

whoO! i sleepie! *muUah* i have so much food in my fridge!! yayayaya!!! there are so many things i keep forgetting to write about...like my home depot experience or doing those little books they give kids with paul at jay's birthday party, or the turtles and GNC and calvary! and how i think my guy is really praying hard for me cause everytime i think i like a guy it jus kinda disappears! hahaha....

he's protectin me :) but ultimately God is protecting me and i embrace this time completely ^_^ *Hugs!!* i can't wait til i get a digi camera and then i'm gonna take a picture of everything and show everyone! everything thru the eyes of becki :) whoOo....that means all u'll see are pictures of hammies!! yAYA!! hhahahaha.....j/p j/p...becki's happie...imma get a bunny!! bunny bunny bunny!!! BUNNIE!! YAYAAA!! guess what it's name is????

BUNNY!!! hahahahahhaa.....MAD cute....sigh..i want it to hop all around the room and sleep with me ^_^ fluffie *siGh*

luvs
-becki

10/6/03

8:00am

sigh.
i had possibly the most wonderful dream in the world...
it was the first dream i ever had with my "perfect guy" in it...we were camp counselors or something at this weird retreat place which was a mix between old town new york and rural parts of a state...(i think later on we were detectives) but bertina was in my dream and helen...

we were then part of a script and i had failed to notice that he was playing one of the main characters b/c for some reason i didn't recognize his name... so when he walked into the door...my jaw dropped...

it was so cute...
because before that i was reminiscing on how if God gave me a second chance i would know that he was the one and at this moment i knew he was the one i was going to marry...i had this voice, this voice from God saying that we were going to marry in a year haha :D and it was sosososos wonderful speaking to him...

it was like an extended retreat so i knew i would see him awhile, but i didn't tell him i liked him or anything of the sort...it was talking to him and i remember talking to him so playfully and he was so cute b/c we would both banter back and forth and i treated him how i would treat any of my brothers friends...me with the school girl crush :D

and i remember all my friends were shocked too...i remember seeing bertina come into the door and she saw my dream guy and recognized it was him and had this look of unbelief and i remember hugging her with this HUGE grin on my face...

the one i always used to get every time i saw him at the dining hall... sigh. it was so wonderful b/c for the first time in that dream was the first time i knew God was completely behind it.
that's the feeling i need before i marry a guy...sigh. that was the most wonderful dream i've had in such a long time...it was so storybook... sunny delight gives wonderful dreams :D
i remember standing next to him and looking up and he was so tall...so incredibly tall...haha it was so unreal...

10/5/03
2:41am

happie ^_^ i had the most insanely amazing food this morning...brunch at my aunts house and it was dim sum! *droOls* *siGh* the most wonderful ha gows and these beancurd wrapped thingies and these fish ball thingies and those bun thingies and all the fruit i luv!

*siGh* Ooh!! so i added a chatterbox thingie haha...it's there to interact with me either anonymously or non anonymously & maybe i'll respond to some of the things in this journal. i like that it's side by side ^_^ haha but it is difficult to take it all in that people actually read this journal tho... sometimes i feel so much that this is my own world...i feel safe in here...it carries all the memories i treasure and all of the things i want to remember...i should take better care of it :D maybe during winter break i'll revamp it again with a new format...

but yea ^_^ haha i refuse to get a xanga...a xanga is too open for me to share my world with so many people...it becomes overwhelming b/c most of the time, i think that only the people i still keep in touch with read my journal...but i sometimes think about the people i knew and lost touch with...everyone will always be able to find me here...it's my home ^_^

once i get my digi camera i'll try to add pictures :D to give more depth to this site...a lot of the times i come across something that i want to take a picture and show everyone ^_^ but yea..i guess the big reason why this site makes me so vulnerable is that i let myself be vulnerable here... there are few parts of myself that i keep hidden from this site...i may edit some entries after i have published them...but most of me is revealed here...i guess b/c in person ...most of me is hidden.

haha...writing here allows me to sleep at night too...sometimes i'll be trying to sleep in my canopy, and i'll be tossing and turning because so many thoughts are raging in my mind...and helen will watch as i turn on the computer screen and start typing...when it comes down to it..really comes down to it...it's me...in one of the most naked forms.

*muah* it's late...i must sleep

luvs
-becki

10/3/03

haha...so i have the tiniest crush on the guy in my microbiology class...hahaha..just b/c it's so undeniable ^_^

i was walking towards microlab this morning and at the intersection me and him were about to cross each others path...so i immediately walk faster w/my hoodie on so that we're not walking side by side (haha..i can't even face him after my hand got stuck in the door) so now i literally just look down...and i'm walkin in front of him & i'm walking pretty fast, and when i get to the door i'm far enough ahead of him so i don't feel obligated to keep the door open for him (aaa!!!)

but the funniest part is that every time i see him and kinda turn around, i see him smile or have this look of amusement...like (haha...i know what you did) kinda look!! and i immediately turn away! haha i'm so paranoid...no one understands how embarassed i still am!! :D

but yea...i guess i realized it when i was across from him and i got this huge...goofy smile...the onees you can't wipe off your face...sooo bad! i feel like a lil kid :D so shy! so anyway, 'nuff about him ^_^

so i'm actually at work writing ...and i realized how silly i am when i'm all alone in the tennis center and i chomp my teeth at the page in the magazine that titles "berry tiramisu, no bake chocolate crackles & microbaked apples" *siGh* ...and did u know!!!! that in the morning when it's really cold, my mitten puppets go back and forth and talk to each other!!! *hand motion "It's early!" *hand/mouth motion on puppet* "yes it's early!" -_- i'm such a strange kid...

3:18am
i'm exhausted! hahahaha i'm so exhausted...i think i must have played close to 4 hrs worth of poker with the boys hahaha..it was SO FUNNY hahahaha...cause i'm really lost and it's been awhile since i've played poker (and this was the first time i played with poker chips) so after an hour against 5 or 6 other guys and it's down to mun and ajay and me SO FUNNY...mun has this incredibly convincing sly smile that completely has me fooled when he's bluffing, and the guy that i cleaned out is like "you're already in this deep!!! keep going!" and everyone's like "you were the first one who was cleaned out! why should she listen to you?!" hahahahaha...but i did and i listened to everyone...i'm mad hesitant to take chances :D and mun lied!! *gasp* he lied!

and ajay kept lying to me all night.. YEA that'z rite!!! u want that squishie badge eh?!! hahaha and we kept stealing each other's poker chips, and after i lost the 2nd round i took care of eric's poker chips...

but ireally had so much fun...so i ended up winning that one against mun and it ended up being pretty even between me ajay and mun so we did one last one where we just bet everything and put everything in the middle (i mean EVERYTHING) it was insane...

so yea i think my beginners luck really pulled on that one ^_^ i wiped out everyone and won the last one! reppin the females! hahaha...but we ended up playing some more poker and then moving onto this auction game of some sort until 2am in the morning...mad exhausted...

so silly...haha i think i shocked everyone...including myself :) i'm kinda vague with the rules of poker but i used to play a lot of card games late at night at retreats...i used to love those nights so much and i really really loved this night. a huuuge happie birthday to chi and ajay! u guys are really wonderful & i always have so much fun around the two of you ^_^ despite your LYING ajay...he plays on my gullibility SO MUCH! OHHH!!! and i got to punch mun in the tummy!!! like 5 - 6 times! MAD FUN!!!!! thank you mun!!! he's so tough :) it's insane! so yea :) haha...it's been a really long tiring day, i must nap :) markie's birthday tomorrow!! happie birthday markie!! even tho he'll never read this, i love my brother ^_^ shhh...don't tell him....we don't really get sappy with each other...hahaha...*moOAh*

sweet dreams
with luvs
-becki

10/2/03 6:56pm

hahahahahhahaha!! okay...everyone will love this story :D it's such a becki story.

okay...so i just got out of my sociology exam & i was so psyched cause i seriously think i aced it, so i got off the bus i'm walking towards my building. when i get to my building i'm using my slashcard but for some reason it doesn't work...hahah like...a corner of it is already chipped off cause it broke *i'm a curse to slashcards!!!* but the computer strip thingie is still in tact....but i thought i bent it or somethin so i'm trying the slashcard like...50 times hahaha...and then i look up and Frank opens the door for me. [preface] frank was my study lounge guy last year! (hahaa...i had all these different names for the different guys :D i used to study in the quiet lounge every day, mostly for bio first semester...and one day frank was sitting on the next table facing me and he starts talking to me..i think cause he asked me to watch his spot for him while he left to go somewhere..and like ever since then when i had a table and the study lounge was full, he would ask to sit next to me and ask me what i was studying...he always said hi to me in the study lounge and it was so funny cause sometimes i didn't know whether he would recognize me in the cafeteria so i didn't say hi and then he'd go up to me so i couldn't avoid him and ask me why i didn't say hi to him hahahaha...he's a really cool guy, i just never really got to know him & also since i stopped going to the quiet lounge [preface ends]

so when Frank opens the door for me he was like "i didn't know you lived here!" and i was like "yea! i live on the 2nd floor" and he's like "what room?" "4201!" "4201???" and i was like "yea! that's the number that it says!" and he asks me who i live with and he doesn't recall...so i tell him to visit ( i didn't know he lived there either) it was funny b/c i didn't know if he recognized me...so anyway he leaves and i'm walking up the stairs and i'm on the 2nd floor, and i'm looking at the guys next door bulletin board and they changed it ...and i was like "wow...they made their bulletin board really feminine" and i look closely and i'm like "wait a second...i don't recognize these names"....then i was like "OHH shooooT!" so i rush downstairs and i realized..

i'm in CROSBY! AAAAAAAAAAAAAA...hahahaahahhahahah....I WENT INTO THE WRONG BUILDING...

i told you it was a becki story!! hahaha and it wasn't just that, I TOLD FRANK THE WRONG BUILDING...OMG....he's gonna look for me and i'm not gonna be there! aaaaaaaa!!! see i think it would be okay if i went in the building and no one saw me....but he was there! and i told him to visit!! *Huuuuuge embarassment!* *takes deep breath*....but i think i'm used to these becki situations...

hahaha i swear it could only happen to me...puahahahaa....

so that's my story of the day :D hahahaha...but yea, he was my quiet lounge guy :) i think that's why i stopped going to all my usual places 2nd semester b/c everywhere i went i had a different guy with a different name...computer lab guy, quiet lounge guy, stalker guy, guitar guy, kcf guy, whew...hahahahaa i'm so embarassed ....hahahah....alright i'm good ^_^ good good!

mm so here's my other thought i was thinkin today....besides the fact that i'm so pitifully ashamed of my feminine outpour of emotions. it's such a weakness!!! so i'm really actually okay about everything...haha....just during those days i tend to cry about everything in the world...i'm sooo sorrie!!! please forgive me.. :D it's only once a month..i swear :)

so as i was walking i realized...i think my guy is praying for me now...that's why i'm held at such a safe point right now, where everything feels right...i think he was praying for me to get me out of the last relationship too...because when i think about it. there was no other way i would have left that relationship unless it was something as serious as it was.

and when i think about it...the more guys that i'm lead astray, the longer it will take before i meet him...so every now and then i pray for him...that God will keep him safe for me, keep him waiting for me...

and i realized when i was in relationships he was probably in relationships too ...we both didn't watch out for the other...but i think things will change...i think as he's maturing...so am i...thats why we are made for each other...it's hard to imagine what he's like...or what he's gone through...but i know that once i know he's the one i will cherish him...

...i hope from this day forward he is waiting for me...

luvs
-becki

*siGh* here are the lyrics to sleeping to dream about you :) I'm dreaming of sleeping next to you I'm feeling like a lost little boy in a brand new town I'm counting my sheep and each one that passes is another dream to ashes and they all fall down. As I lay me down tonight, I close my eyes and what a beautiful sight I'm sleeping to dream about you I'm so tired of having to live without you So I'm sleeping to dream about you and I'm so tired I found myself in the riches (Your eyes, your lips, your hair.) Well you were everywhere But I woke up in the ditches. I hit the light and I thought you might be here but you were nowhere. You were nowhere at home. As I lay me back to sleep Lord I pray that I can keep Sleeping to dream about you I'm so tired of having to live without you So I'm sleeping to dream about you and I'm so tired (It's just a little a lullaby to keep myself from crying myself to sleep at night.) Sleeping to dream about you I'm so tired of having to live without you So I'm sleeping to dream about you and I'm so tired 10/2/03 1:07am

had to write before i sleep :) i always have so many thoughts... even though the past two entries have been the way they are...and sometimes you'll catch me crying even...

it's been so wonderful...all the people i've met through him...all the friendships i've sorely missed...i wouldn't trade any of it back. you guys are the ones i love...i try not to write many sad entries involving him only because i feel none of you deserve it, but i think it's also a process i must confront.

i need to be real to myself and to my feelings because the more honest i am, the faster i will be able to heal, move on...my strong shield only lasts so long :) *hugs* and you guys make me strong *flexes muscles*

and i promise this time. the next real guy that i'm interested in, i will write everything about him in this journal and i will find a way so that you guys can put input haha...it won't come out of nowhere....

as far as my perfect guy goes :)
becki: my perfect imaginary guy :)
katrina: the one every else must compare with
katrina: he's a good choice
katrina: ;-)

haha...cause i know everyones been imming with "so who's this boy??" silly luvs :) he does exist in real life...and our paths crossed more than one time, but my own decisions have pushed that away...

but yea...first semester...he played guitar, i looked into his eyes and he smiled...and i smiled...i couldn't help but smiled...it was like that during the whole song...it was so cute...but he's the one guy who i thought i could never be good enough...

i gave that chance up ...more than once for other decisions i made. now i hold him just in a special place. maybe we'll cross again, maybe we won't but he keeps me safe... he's the standard. :)

*hugs
luvs
-becki

10/1/03

i was on the bus this morning to go to the career center...
i was looking out the window and b/c there was traffic we were driving in a different direction...hardly moving across the commuter parking lot... i saw the familiar blue color of the same car i used to look for every day i came back from class last year...the same feeling...thought it couldn't be it...thought it couldn't be him...
...we were driving slowly and the car came closer to stop and make a turn and it was unmistakeably him. he drove into a parking space, got out and walked toward the bus stop...

i watched him the entire time.

first time i saw him in two months. it didn't hit me then. it hit me on the way back from college ave and the tears kept falling while ...they kept falling and i couldn't stop them...

i couldn't stop them. i love my roomie...cause no matter how hard i try to hide my tears from everyone she always finds me curled up in my bed crying...and she tells me he's not worth the tears....

she comes back from take out and she met up with glen and she's tellin me how him and her were cursin off him and she got so pissed off ...my roomie is very protective of me...she feels betrayed too...but i feel loved.

so i've been going through spouts of tears all day...which makes me think my period is coming up because i cried while watching the animal vet show while this doggie had to be put to sleep ...but then helen cried too...haha. we were both a mess...

i get so sensitive :) so yea...that was my day...i must study now. *muah* i'll be over this period luvs...pickin myself up to make it a better day...and it will be a better day. one day the tears will stop altogether. and when that day comes, he will miss the me he knew, because he will never be able to reach that part of me ever again.

i think i cry most because i'm not allowed to care about the guy anymore. that's all...

luvs
-becki

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