guys with glasses, there's something so insanely cute about it...there really is. [edit]
i think another sad thing that i realized is that all those perfect romantic moments passed by me. the cutest stories i could tell my children of how i met their father...but again I think whatever God has planned for me will pan out in the most beautiful way.
luvs
becki.
11/29/03
[edit]
i think i realize there are more important things to life than to dwell on the past.
11/25/03
there are few people who i rely on anymore.
people are selfish. they take...you give...they talk...you listen...they hurt you...you cry...
i just don't trust anymore.
thank you to the world for shaping me like this...
you want my trust, you have to earn it.
i'm not dealing with people anymore.
[later]
it's what i had written earlier today...
it's amazing how God works the circumstances to bring me back to him.
i was on the G bus and class was cancelled so i had a long time on the bus...i found the book my mom had given to me in the beginning of the year that i never read...i had placed it in there without the intention of really reading it...
...but i read it...and...this is what struck me the most.
it relates to what i wrote above.
"Jesus knows how you feel...People take more from you than they give? Jesus understands....You are precious to him. When you struggle, he listens. When you yearn, he responds. When you question, he hears."
...it's uncanny but it's not...
i was really hurt today...i felt like i was falling into helplessness and self pity...
sometimes i think i can take care of everyone but today was one of my real downfalls when I want to be as far away from people ...the world is becoming a really scary place for me and i don't know who to trust often....i don't know what i can rely on...it makes me cry because there's so much corruption in the world and i crave simplicity...
i tried toughening myself out and not spending time with people who only took and kept taking.... i tried running from those who would not accept me if they knew the part of me that i'm not proud of...i tried not caring. ...
...i dont think God will let me lose anymore of myself...He has given me the greatest gift, Himself...and so many times i fail to remember that His gift is my gift to give to others...I became as selfish as those who are around me...
just because i'm so afraid that I can never reach a certain standard of Christianity...because i've made mistakes..huge mistakes and my testimony is tarnished because I still struggle with being worthy of being called a Christian.
...it is so difficult to remember that God loves me despite all of my mistakes and that being a Christian isn't about being perfect...but being perfect through Him...despite how far i try to run away from Him...despite how much I hurt Him by my own decisions...how can i say i love Him when all I do is hurt Him and pretend He's not there...
but He's always been there for me. always. He's broken me for a reason...so many times i lose focus and get so caught up in the world...and then i fall without Him to hold me. and He catches. His gift is there so I can be stronger to reach out to those who don't yet know Him and the peace he gives.
...this feels more right.
people are in need of love. they take...you give. they talk, you listen. they hurt you, you love them more.
Max Lucado "The Gift For All People"
*hugs.
luv
-becki
11/20/03
a few pictures of misc..haha i always miss the special events :) i'll get better at taking pictures!!
11.03
mm...and i lost my [june 2000 to october 2001] entries...but i figure that means it's time to just move on. i will not be backing up journal entries. I think it's the same reason for how i lost my juno account and all the e-mails with my first boyfriend and my best friend and too many numerous letters to mention. if i'm meant to keep something it will be written out in paper ^_^
an online journal could never last as long as one written in paper. when entries disappear, it's another chapter of my life permanently closed.
so i i finally started one of my art projects ^_^ well it's semi kind of an art project...i have this huge ikea frame that has little squares so i'm going to gather all of my favorite quotes over time and have them fit in the cubes...it'll kinda be three dimensional as well...haha i'm so bad at describing it :D u'll see..when it's done, i'll take a picture with my digi camera...OoOHh..which reminds me :) i'll publish some pictures in this entry ^_^
but i want to first share this....i came across it when i was reading my communications book...
if a child lives with criticism
he learns to condemn
if a child lives with hostility
he learns to fight
if a child lives with ridicule
he learns to be shy
if a child lives with shame
he learns to be guilty
if a child lives with tolerance
he learns to be patient
if a child lives with encouragement
he learns confidence
if a child lives with praise
he learns to appreciate
if a child lives with fairness
he learns justice
if a child lives with security
he learns to have faith
if a child lives with approval
he learns to like himself
if a child lives with acceptance and friendship
he learns to find love in the world
...children are shaped so easily...sometimes i feel like it's my role to guard them from the criticism, the hostility, the ridicule and the shame...
i want to protect them from so much.
children are so pure. i adore them.
i think if i were to become a teacher this would be my philosophy to encourage, praise, be fair, provide a child with security, give approval and always accept and offer my friendship to them...
mmMm...i've been so on the go i haven't had a chance to write...will write later *hugs
luvs
-becki
11/17/03
haha *siGh*.
i live in such a silly little world.
it's crazy how so often i don't expect people to actually be reading my journal entries.
and a lot of time that leads to embarassment ^_^
when i write i think that i'm merely adding another piece to my journal that will allow me to see more clearly.
other times i write because i'm so insanely happie...recording those moments allow me to cherish them.
and the times when i'm feeling alone...my writing keeps me company.
i was talking with judy this morning and she was saying how ones journal would usually be ones most private and guarded treasure..never to be seen by anyone...
and i think that's true...how so many people let acquaintances or even strangers learn so much about them so openly...
i guess for me....i feel like i can hide here...i feel secure more than i probably should, although my deepest thoughts are not revealed...
it's kinda like decorating my home with a lot of words that make up me.
hahaha...i must stop the writing about boys thing...
*huge grin* i always feel so stupid after i write it!!! ...i'm such a sap...
SAP....i'm done...no boys!! no boys -_- i have more to write on that too...
on why i want a hammie.
....it relates somehow...i'll get back to these points :)
got sociology in a couple of minutes
luv
-becki
11/13/03
*brrrr* it's so windy today!! *burrows under covers*
*siGh*...i adore burrowing...all my lil stuff animals burrow with me :D
hmm...it's been awhile since i wrote...
i've been studying the last two weeks for my 3 exams this week...one more tonite left to go ^_^ but always as i'm walking i contemplate what to write...haha i think i go thru a lot of strange thoughts...
i was watching the wind blow the leaves...
leaves are poetic. or maybe it's wind that creates the poetry. they roll through the wind like tumbleweed, airborne and traveling. if you've ever watched the grass in the wind, it's funny seeing all of the tiny shoots of grass sway in the same direction...as if the wind was combing it's hair...
i could spend a day observing nature on a windy day...i think it's absolutely beautiful.
of course i was also thinking today about the guy on the bus who's sideburns are like...one line of hair....or as i was observing the couple in front of me i was looking at how big the guys nose was and how his girlfriend was clutching to him...
oh...and on the way from my exam i was the only one in the bus...i was like....shoo....i own this bus.....it be like my own limo...my own limo bus driver too....dude...i rule the world with this bus...and i was all spread out haha....so chill :D
i observe a lot...and from there my imagination takes its own flight *huge grin* i'm happie in my world ^_^
yea... i want a guy who wants to share in my world with me. who i don't have to be shy or feel that where i want to take him will be too boring...i've always been too shy to tell the guy where i really want to go...i hate dates.
i think dates..the conventional kind are boring. i really do... i hate movies and dinner...
i guess i'm afraid if i tell a guy what i really want to do, he'll be like "oh..." i also hate dates that are planned...because it doesn't seem entirely natural...and somehow when dates are planned i seem to step more out of the box...haha...lets just say i'm really good at making something that should be smooth...unsmooth ^_^ but when a guy asks me where i want to go or what i want to do...
i will never reveal these things to him unless i feel comfortable enough knowing he'll embrace them as i do.
...i adore walking hand in hand at night when no one else is around...i think this stems from the memories i had with my best friend...the most wonderful memories were the ones we created ourselves...i want a guy who i can hold his hand and walk outside and he won't ask me "why are we going outside?" and it wont seem like i'm taking him away from anything...i want to swing on the swings late at night with him after kicking off our shoes and looking at our toes beneath the sand....i want to read with him on a winter day and while he holds me i hold the book and we turn the pages...someone who will build tents with me and make sure all of my stuff animals are secure in the tent. ^_^
but i think that's when a guy will know i have completely fallen for him...when i have courage enough to tell him my dreams with all the safety and security that he'll protect them and won't think of me as strange...i'm still shy. he'll help me build them. he'll have time to listen to them.
i never had a guy who asked me questions...who took time to ask me what my dreams were, or what my favorite memories are...who cared enough to discover everything beyond the obvious...a lot of me stays hidden within the confines of this journal...
[later]
...there's something about moments of solitude that leave much to be said.
i enjoy them because i can dwell by myself without any outside factors to influence how i feel.
sometimes the world becomes too much for me...i can never run far enough away...
...my solitude covers me. i never have to feel like i have to act a certain way, nor do i always have to be happy because of other expectations...nor always be sad because of feelings of being alone. solitude is choosing to be alone and embracing it for all that its worth. no one in my solitude will judge me by the activities i do as boring or as a waste of time...
...its times like these where i can lay in my bed, look up at the ceiling and stay in the moment. everyone needs a bit of solitude for themselves...it's your own personal space that's invisible to everyone else.
luvs
-becki
11/6/03
i miss being lil...
i don't think that that is granted to me anymore. i always associate growing up with seriousness...that's the part of me i don't like...
my quiet reserved side that ...contradictorarily was my shield as a child...
i love myself most when i can laugh....be happie and carefree...
those moments can be taken away so easily...
i think one has to learn how to hold onto them so tightly that no one can take them away...
so my moments will be cherished.
times when i'm most content...i think it's when i curl up in my bed and burrow...hahaa...like a hammie :) and i kiss all of my stuff animals and say hello to them...and then helen my roomie complains because she's last on my list when i say goodnight -_- puahaha...
but i dont think anyone can take those moments away from me.
*hugs*
with luv
-becki
11/4/03
taking a real look at myself...
...it's hard to know who i am anymore...
i try so hard to take life at its superficial value and embrace those moments...
embrace the carefree thoughts...embrace the present...but a part of me still tugs the other way..
it's been fun...
but it's time to draw me back to the real world...
...this is me...
the girl who sits in the corner with her arms crossed over the other, hugging around her knee...
and i embrace moments like these the most..
lately i've been confused because i don't know which side to show to people anymore
i've been trying so hard to deal with everything that's so messed up on my side by myself...
i didn't want to be sad and draw everyone down...
sometimes i feel like i'm strong enough...
and the times when i fall i fall by myself...curled in my bed longing for the tears to stop falling...
but i never want anyone to see my tears anymore...i don't want to cry out to anyone anymore...
you guys love me more than i ever deserve...
i never want to hurt you by my own tears...by my own mistakes...
i am sorrie to all of those who i have disappointed...
to all those who had expectations of me and i couldn't fulfill them...
i'm sorrie for running away from so many people who have meant so much to me...
i become afraid that you won't accept me for all that i am...
i pretend that i'm okay and that i can leave...but it hurts because i can't face you...
...but sometimes i can't live behind a lie anymore...
...this is me...
i can only try to protect all those who i love from growing up the way i did...
sometimes it feels so futile and i grow weary...sometimes i want to dwell in my own apathy and selfishness
and at times like these when i feel unfulfilled i know God is calling me...
he's given me enough time to heal...enough time to dwell on the surface...
so i guess i'm still trying to find myself...and renew my own passion of caring...
...trying to find a place where i can be accepted...trying to figure out a lot of things...
...i feel comfortable with the girl in the corner...
...i feel at home.
