5/29/04
i'll give one real entry...to be brutually honest with my thoughts in this journal...as 21 is a year to grow up i think.
people. i'm not as scared of people as i once was. by their acts, their deeds are no longer as shocking. betrayal, deceit, lies...i am silent. i used to cry...b/c it overwhelmed me. how could people lose themselves so carelessly... but when i saw those in my life who also fell...i wanted to fall too. and so i did.
maybe the numbness to the world around me is because i realized that everyone falls from time to time. and maybe numb is not so much the word as being less naive is.
where i was and where i am now...i couldn't trade it. the experiences i thought i'd regret...i use it to make me stronger..
still. being less naive with fewer things shocking me...i am not honest with my feelings.
how do you love someone with the innocence of a child when you carry the knowledge of their betrayal, deceit, their lies. when you know full well their selfishness would save their own ass while they watch you fall...
when they hurt others whom you love, who do you choose?
it's dealing with the knowledge that i've gained that i am at lost. inside of me there's a constant struggle...to love despite all of the hurt, regaining a bit of my innocence and my childhood...or to despise with a strength that protects me when all of my guard was down and everyone else has failed.
i use both. at different times...i am torn.
to lose the fakeness i cut off. maybe i'm hard at forgiving...really forgiving or trusting people once that trust has been breached. maybe i am embittered and most of the time i probably choose not to show it. you'll know it through my silence.
there are times when i am so angry that words do not reach my mouth. there are times when there is such a build up of emotion towards people i haven't forgiven for being so damn selfish and why the hell should i spend time talking to you. listening to you. trying to care for you when you are so blind to seeing all the hurt you are causing. or you have caused.
to others who want it to be like old times...
you missed out on me growing up. who the hell was there? do you even know me anymore? those who don't know why i cut you off...call it a delayed feeling of uncaring.
i am tired of caring. of giving a damn about people who are worth shit. who have hurt me in irreparable ways and still i try to love all these years? this one i'm not dealing with anymore. i am leaving it behind.
you don't understand half of all the ways you have affected me, b/c i chose not to remind you of all the shit you put me through. so for you to expect me to act civil i will. but to love you as much as i love those who are friends. no. you can't ask me of that anymore. my silence towards you is gift enough. a saving grace from giving you a mirrored picture of your own reflection and tearing away that self portrait of lies that you hold in your memory.
there are those who i love so much...i know that you'd be there in a heartbeat if i were to call. you love me more than i deserve. you retain my childhood and your love protects me in the many ways you cannot see. it's that constant that reminds me of God's love that you've shown me. that ties me to Him in more ways than you can imagine.
to others. i want the past....but i've become so accustomed to being independent i've forgotten what it's like to need someone else. to need to talk to someone else or escape/run away with anyone. i've learned ways to deal and to those i have no pity for, i expect them to deal the same.
when you sacrifice your grades, your life for everyone else and you fall behind. you realize no one ever asked you to do any of that. so you can't blame anyone. but it's harder to take time out for yourself and have those same people who left you behind, ask why you're not there anymore for them.
...i choose more carefully those who i sacrifice for. is it wrong?
and maybe deep deep inside. i am just tired. i have too many different sides to deal with...too many ways of trying to protect myself i no longer know how it feels to be naked. so i build layers.
so many layers i lose myself. but deep inside i think i'm also of afraid of finding what's underneath everything. what if i really don't give a damn about anyone, what if i really am selfish. what if all of these are just words?
and this fear makes me afraid.
i don't always want to make the right choice. i am not innocent. i can relate to lil ones b/c i embrace the same world they embrace but i have the power to protect that world only by the shield of experience. i don't like the shadyness of grownups still but it doesn't mean i can't deal with it.
to those who i choose to i can act grown up and handle my own shit like the rest. but there are few who see me at my most vulnerable silly state. i allow this part only to you b/c as much as i can love like a child...my hurts are tripled when you destroy parts of that world.
...i may not be the clearest at expressing my thoughts...
but i guess u can call this an entry of ways i've learned to deal..coming to age 21.
yes i like champagne and wine and i will have a healthy stock in my dorm next year.
no i don't like getting drunk. yes i've gotten drunk twice in my life. once when i was 13 at a wedding, and 2nd when i was foolish and weak in my stupidity. by the 2nd time i learned i don't like the feeling.
my "bad" side ambitions..hah...to get a tattoo, to dress scandalous, to ride a motorcycle, to go clubbing and date many guys without committment...to punch out my first ex for being the ass that he is and the ass that i overlooked when i was younger...to curse out all those parents who ever gave me a shit attitude.
my "good" side ambitions...to get a nursing degree so i can go to 3rd world countries and provide free help. to sponsor a child with a salary i earn purely for him/her. to boost up my gpa... to get back on track with God...b/c I miss Him. to love...with a love that forgives and loves harder than it hurts. to read the entire summer and redo my parents entire house.
i feel better knowing that i no longer hate who i'm becoming as i was a year ago. for keeping the lies i knew about people i tried to overlook inside me.
i can't do that anymore.
real this is real. b/c it's not all that i'm proud about. i'm 21 now tho'. and i'm facing it up.
i will try to call everyone when i get back from cali...faith <3, i owe you a phone call ^_^ linda, jen d. who i usually call at the airport before i leave but it was too early last time, betty, eric, kevin, and i have letters to write.
owe getting in touch with anna. ahh. and finding everyone else.
angi i miss you and hope that all is well in china
to all my roomies in asia haha...love always.
with love
-becki
5/23/04
randomness. i was in safeway running an errand to pick up strawberries and rasberries ...a guy smiled at me, said "you're beautiful" and walked on by...
i felt so shy...
silly moments.
so yes...i am on the road by myself now ^_^ watching everyone shiver with nervousness and anticipation. j/p j/p. i'm safe. almost. ^_^
i've been reading all these nights too... to build my human capital ;)
nahz j/p. b/c i haven't read in so long.
so far. a chinese cinderella by adeline mah. [i've been finding books that my lil cousins read ;) haha don't laugh...i saw this book in the bookstore and wanted to check it out.] and i've started the redwall series...about animals and an entirely different series.
it's silly cause i was recommended to read this by a friend once...a guy actually who i fell for b/c of his passion for books... silly silly, i won't go into details on that one ^_^
my lil cousins ask me "becki, do you have a boyfriend?" "of course not!"
hahaaha.
could i ask for greater contentment? :)
my aunt's mom actually took me with her to service at a small methodist church.
and i have to say..there is something you can't trade that's found in the hymns. or find the serenity among the crowd of elderly. it was beautiful.
been building muscles also ;) washing windows. whoa i swear one of the guinea pigs must have farted. oh...so my lil cousins are having a blast with the invention of a whoopie cushion hahaha. it's kinda funny ;) in a raunchy way. potty humor!!
haha okay besides my infantile level of maturity ^_^ food is wonderful. but i jog to balance it off with crunches to go.
the lil ones are so silly...i must make window washing look like fun b/c they always want to join in haha....
and the trampoline is one crazy place still. 5 lil ones jumping all around...one gets hurt, starts crying & u have to do somethin silly to make them laugh again...and then 10 minutes later another one is down. hahaha...meanwhile lil ally is jumping on everyone...mostly me and everyone else follows in suite.
i am only this much closer to invincibility haha...
yo check out the name they gave me "buttkicking becki" yea baby!! tremble with fear :)
one more week in cali. i'm embracing it. completely.
did i mention the amazing brownie, chocolate covered strawberries, blackberries, omg the FRUIT. insane.
haha.
heaven. i am moving here after ig raduate ^_^ *moAh*
withlove
-becki
5/20/04
haha..i can't write here :) i'll save my writing til after i come back from cali. back in nj by may 31st.
but things i wanna record & i'll get back to them later
"thanks for breakfast becki, you're a great chef" from my 6 yr old cousin
reckless driving in a mercades. that's right. mercades [i'm not even sure if i'm spelling that correctly haha]
my "almost" accident. my fault. my fault >_< i'm going to be one of those bad asian girl drivers
werblin guy teasing me about my 10 lb weight lifting
my tough view on guys. it's coming ^_^ soon.
my frankenstein hamtaro that was given to me!! ahh! i adore..
made deans list
mommie's award ceremony :)
jobs this summer
the cute floppy dwarf ear bunny that i adore and need. :P
road trips i wanna make this summer
*hugs* sorry for the teaser. i'll be back later to write....
here's my clip from 5/15
"so i...uh...kinda got lost in san francisco? haha...i'm writing while i'm on the BART train, kinda like a subway but semi cleaner...
oh and i think i got the ticketbooth guy weirded out b/c i couldn't find my money (it was so silly, i can't even begin >_<) so i asked him where i could find an atm, but then 3 minutes later i found my money but i couldn't figure it out..
oh damn...i think i'm going back where i came from *gasp* this is so confusing!!! why are we going backwards!!! gasp.....okay...i'll deal with this later
so i couldn't figure out why the organe thingies weren't opening and he was looking at me like what was the problem and told me to look over to my left and it was open hahahah -_- sigh...i give up -_-
[later]
haha i am exhausted...many plates at a buffet, celebrating sammy's 7th birthday and being srurrounded by a 6 yr old, 4 yr old and 1 & 1/2yr old climbing on my back and tickling me..
don't they know i'm invincible? pshh ;)
i love the weekends here, for all the ways that it is laid back"
with that, good night *moOah* maybe update once in awhile.
love
-becki
5/19/04
i look at all the lil ones here and it just amazes me...oh the world we take for granted in a fast paced society. that we forget the wonderful tickle excursions or the simple answers to what used to be our most complicated questions.
i'm in love with this place...although i'm always tired and exhausted at the end of the day, you can't trade these moments for anything in the world.
i am enchanted.
can u believe? lil ally who i held in my arms at 6 months...is now completely adept at tickling. hahahaa... ^_~ maybe i'm a bad influence!!! she is walking and talking now....she even has her own little doll to take care of, while she's still running around in diapers and drool ;) all of the children are growing up so quickly...
i played wiffle ball for the first time in a long while with my cousin jarrett [7] and he was teaching me how to throw/hit a ball haha....he is so intelligent, i dare anyone to challenge his knowledge of sports. and gwendolyn [9] i adore her so much!! yo! we made fudge baby! haha...and of course my daily does of neopets :) we make origami at night...
today i played with sammy [6] max [5?] and ally [2] on the trampoline...marco polo ;) haha...it's cute cause ally would always fall down b/c we would jump so high so she always reached out for my hand and held my thumbs with all of her fingers [so little!!!] and sammy & max are always so fun to tickle...
haha yeaa ...it's like being a kid again but having these precious lil ones to protect...
to find out what fascinates them and be fascinated by it...i can't even capture the moment in writing, they pass by so quickly. tons of hugs...b/c they love so freely... i've forgotten that it's these moments that save me.
nightmare last night >_< the first time in awhile...i wonder what it is that haunts me about him. maybe it's a reminder of where i was and where i am now. i wouldn't trade this place that i'm in now for anything. i'm in love ^_^ with these precious moments.
haha ohh!! i meant to write about other things as well... ;) haha...but it chops up my writing :P haha
okie anyway...waffle boy...so i saw him again right??? like the fire alarm went off at the student center while i was studying for my macro exam...and i saw him outside!!! so i was trying to find him again but then everyone held me back and said no...cause i had this cute idea!! [mad sappy] cause he was at the study lounge right in front of the glass looking out...and i was going to write in huge letters on pieces of paper...
okay...i'm stopping now from writing....i can see everyones expressions..haha
sigh. i think the sweetest moments are stopped b/c of nerves :P but iono. i feel like it's okay if i embarass myself...b/c he took that leap with me... u know? and he's graduating...
i know..no boys. it's jus hard to think that a guy who did such a sweet thing will think his favor was unappreciated. kinda the right thing...at the wrong time. but if he asked me out i'd go out on a date with him... haha shh. i may crush easily but go out with a guy...almost never...i guess i jus figured it wasn't right if everyone was against me going up to him...
helen told me i had to study for my macro final...c'mon :P siGh when i could have made all my dreams come true in one night? hahaha j/p j/p
i'm going beyond the sap mode. it's silly! i know! i'll stop ;)
...maybe it's b/c sweet gestures are no longer common...i treasure them.
...sometimes i think maybe one day i'll catch a guy at the right time...it's why i'll take a chance...i guess i still keep that pure.
omg. i saw the cutest dwarf flop eared bunny... AAAAAAAAAA...
sigh. unfair that i can't ship it back to nj. but i know what i want to buy next year :) *moOAh* sweet dreams
haha..my lil cousin just woke up....it's time for me to sleep :)
sleepie.
must wake up early. jogging :)
with love
-becki
b
5/15/04
it's sad...
when i see people try so hard pretending to be strong and hiding behind a facade of money, power, sex.
they wear a veil that few people take the time to see through. and when they fall they still look like they're standing tall.
isolated by the same wall they tried so hard to build. in the world the all have the same goals.
you see the rich hide behind their towers of dollar bills...so haunted by the fear of losing it all, they become slaves to the very thing they built their life on.
you see the powerful fall under their own spell...they've abused so many people to get to the top that their own conscience has turned against them.
you see those who claim the pleasures of sex without its intended nature...guys with their shamelessness become the cause of girls ...girls who tried so hard to fit into the guy's want for a whoreish display of sexuality. a knife falls against their wrist and they repeat the cycle trying to embrace it. numb.
maybe i was too harsh with the last one.
but it's reality behind closed doors.
all my life i've been looking up to those who stood on my pedestals and held their heads so proudly...
in fault without realizing all the hurt they held deep inside. certain expectations of mine were wrongly held as well.
i guess the rest of my life i've been trying to break walls and hold up those who i found lost. hoping that someone would do the same to those who i love but could never be in the position to break down those walls... that someone would walk along their path and find them, even against their facade
happie angel...i wonder how much my chinese name really does take part in who i am...
my grandmother gave it to me with an abundance of love when i was too little to even speak. i cherish it, she cherished my mother through her hardest times and passed on that love to me.
sometimes i wonder if my own happiness is a facade...but i won't discount it at all. i'll admit i'm weaker than i appear to be and that my strength or my perceived strength is in my distance i keep from people.
when i care about you i get hurt. when i don't give a damn, you don't matter.
i admire those who from know about the world, and choose not to be a part of it by their own will. they are lucky...and while i find myself in constant battle between both sides...i ultimately feel torn when i choose the world.
maybe because my grandmother meant more for me in naming me...maybe because God meant more for me than i've become.
i want to be stronger...to grow apart from the world.
i have such a long way to go.
i think there are two times in life are we sandwiched by wisdom, and in the middle is our ignorance. we start off knowing whats really precious about life...only to forget about it later on...to then return to our childhood understanding once again.
^_^ *muAh* which is why i love my time with my squishies in cali...
off to play playdough for hours on end.
will update when i can
with love
-becki
5/11/04
ahhh i think i killed everyone with my childhood sappiness in the last entry...
childhood..hahaha...like 16 years old. humm...
i guess that's not childhood... :( it's okie haha...the best quote from matt ;)
matt: you're such a preteen
matt: lol
me: i am!!!
matt: you're cute
me: *huge crush*
matt: don't worry, maybe you'll see a movie with him...and HOLD HANDS OMG!!!!
me: AAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!
silly silly ^_^ exams are almost over...
i can't believe you guys are still reading my entries after the last one...
forgive me. i should have archived it in a different link.
oh so i was going to do a tougher entry about guys so it would be far more amusing...but then i figure i'd give everyone a break from my nonsense..
cause it's exhausting ;) even for me...
haha and if you ever noticed if you really know me...i never write what's currently happening now until i think it's safe enough to be found out on an open journal...
b/c i'm not so oblivious to the openess in my journal...
except when i'm extremely passionate about something... ^_~
i won't write about something unless i'm okay with it being found out by everyone and everybody...
but xanga is way too open so unless you know my screenname or know someone who knows my screenname and stalk me with my screenname...
you can't find me.
and if you do find me, you find all of me here...almost. so i think i'm okay with it.
it's personalized cause it's my world. but maybe you don't see this side if you just met me...
hahahhaa maybe i don't wanna show this side to ppl i jus met cause i'm so stupid in my journal entries sometimes >_<
hey hey take me as i am ;)
altho my entries are always stupid when i'm happie...
ahhh i'm too happie ^_^ *jumps up and down* puahaha...
maybe i reveal too much in my journal entries.
i need a separate journal -_-
hahaha i apologize, i'll write something of substance next time ^_^ *moOAh* i <3 you!
with love!
-becki
5/10/04
happie mommie's day!!
took mommie out to dinner ;) suffered eating salad for her >_<
yeeechhhie...gah *chokes*..
so full-ay..saw my baby mochi !! she <3's me!! i <3 her...my lil kitten all grown up ^_^
mommie's excited cause my parents 30th anniversary is coming up and me and my brothers are finally able to send them on a cruise ^_^ so my bank account will officially be *blown* hahaha..
it's silly tho' :) mommie won't let me spoil her...she wouldn't let me order the appetizer and entry for her so i ordered the appetizer for myself that she wanted so she could order her entry..
and it was this salad...oh man i died. >_< but she was happie i think :) good desserts!! i forgot to bring my camera to take pictures :(
...yea...i'm gonna be working off my butt this summer :) off to cali may 15th-may 31st, taking one summer class at middlesex june 1st to august 23rd on wednesdays 6-9pm
haha i think i'm also going to read up about landscaping to try to fix our front yard. it's mini but the idea of gardening really appeals to me & i think maybe i can do it ;) i wanna maybe learn how to plumb and do electricity this summer also...damn i want powerdrills!!!! -_-
and learn to become a carpenter ;) wahh! i had so much fun in my technology class in 6th grade with the drills and the electric sander muahahha.. hey i may be clumsy but i'm not that clumsy ^_~ i damn near got the highest grade in that class *holla!* wut now?!! same thing for my automechanics class... imma learn how to fix it ^_^ ohh motorcycle!! i *possibly* might wanna learn how to ride one too...while i'm still young and won't look stupid riding one...
iono i got turned off of riding one ever since my drivers teacher who took me out for those 6 hrs kept sayin "ooh. so you wanna ride a motorcycle? girls who ride motorcycles...that's so sexy...are you a good girl or a bad girl?"
...
i know. pedophile. eww *shivers*
^_^ but this summer will be fun i think...imma take daily trips to the beach and woodberry and and...all over the place ;) hopefully i can get a job too...whee...lately i've been spending more money than i make hahaha...
but i want to gain job experience & build my human capital. oh baby ^_^ i be a workin girl...dishin it out ...
yes i'm lethal and on the road. hahaha.
whee! my brother called me today ;) it's silly how i was just thinking about him ^_^
he tease me a lot -_- bum imma beat him. haha.
okay...off to save the world!!! *
[later on]
so i stumbled upon my old page that i've kept since i was...16 years old and i found some old writing...i was so silly ;) and sometimes i think i'm so much the same ;)
here's a stumble into my past... [it's a long compilation, it's more for my sake in case my angelfire account ever closes down to archive it here]
11-15-2001 [how i described myself]
p.e.r.s.o.n.i.f.i.e.d
i hide behind layered writing. i love the stars. i fall away from crowds. i love walking in the rain when i have waterproof shoes. i hiccup. i am inquisitive. i eat.
[my loves]
hammies.food ! lots of food.eating lots of food.playing with lots of food. heh.. :) hanging upside down while i talk on the phone.reading.walking late at nite.spending a whole nite talking to one person.making memories.doin html stuff that i can't understand -_-.reading manga. watching anime.5 second romances.reading books.listening to r&b/hip
hop/korean/japanese/chinese/alternative music.crushing on rutgers guys. busch dining hall. sketching. lookin up at the stars late @ nite. sittin on the edge of a lake by myself. meeting new people. sniffing food before i eat. writing letters. making gifts. watching sappy movies & listening to sappy songs :( .little kids-crazy adorable :). hiccuping in a quiet room when no one speaks. :D guys who are big brothers
[disloves]
selfishness. pastey faces. stuck-upish ness...that's not cool. cursing. egos. drinking until you get drunk. smoking. drugs. strip clubs..that's disgusting. guys who play with girls minds/hearts..u ever mess with my friends i'll beat u up..i swear... ppl who have the power to lower the self worth of another and abuse that position that they're in. superficiality. fake smiles.
[and an endless mess of mushy dreams :) here is my innocence for you...i held these entries separate from my journal entries, into my dream part. note the *year*]
5/9/00
was thinking about something else today..i wish everything wasn't such a competition...in a way i wish i never had anything other people want so i couldn't lose anything.. i wish i never had crushes so i couldn't ever lose my crush..i wish i never had a heart so i couldn't ever lose my heart...i wish i never had anything so i wouldn't find people trying to take away my everything... but...i guess i wonder if there is someone out there...who i can hold and keep...love and give my heart to....and realize he�s with me forever... luv always -becki
5/10/00
did i ever tell u 'bout mah duckie? hehee ;) iza mah ducki!! mah most boOteefull duckie in da whole wide world *muah* cuz i lubs it.. yaash yaaa!! i lub mah duckie sooo sosososo much.. my mommie got it for me :) hehee..i think thats why mah duckiez be so special to meeh :) cuz i saw dis duckie before....most fuzzie evah!! and mommie was tryin on stuff...so i found duckie...held onto duckie..mommie tried on stuff for sooo long ;) so the more i held duckie...mah special duckie.. and when my mommie finished tryin on her stuff..she got me duckie cuz she knew how much i luved mah duckie.. *sigh* iz lika platypus wit wings!! and iz gotta lil white fuzz at top...mah duckie...most beautiful duckie in the world :) *muaaaahhh*
8/17/00
i dunno...i think i've given up a lot of my dreams on how i'd meet my perfect guy...then what do i dream about rite? hehee...i have a million hammie dreams a nite..so serious ^_^ for real...i'm not sure...all i really want is a guy who will protect me...from all the bad things that seem to go wrong in this world... i guess that's why the esteemed knight in shining armor...or prince charming is so...admired...b/c they protect a girl...and it means the world to them.. ^_^ rite now my hammie is my knight in..fuzzie armor ;) he's sooo adorable..i lub him soo much *muaah* my lil baby... ^_^
8/22/00
my dreams...i dream of a world where i can fall in luv with a guy and not have any fears...a world where my father is proud of me...a world where i don't feel so alone or so torn apart...a world where hammies populate in the gazillions ^_^... u kno sumtimes i jus really want to ...spend a whole night on the beach and fall asleep in the guys arms...mebe it sound silly....but i think i'd feel so secure..hehe it'd be fun...i could build like..sandcastles on his feet...ohkay..haha..that soundz funnie...doesn' it? "yez thats wut she does...dream of building sandcastles sum1z feet" haha...nooo!! not like that..jus...hehe i'm playful...it'd be fun...to kinda like..play around like that and he'd look at me n give me a look that would tell me i'm silly...^_^ and in the morning as the sun is rising i'd take him by the hand and we'd walk across the waves and the beach until we come to that rock pileage...and he'd take me..we'd kick off our shoes...and we'd sit on the rocks...or we couldhave collected shells and draw pictures with them on the rocks...hehehe... ;) i'm crazy i kno... doesn't it seem so sweet though....i mean to kno that the one you love is protecting you all night long and is keeping you so warm...and that when u wake up you can turn around and watch him as he sleepz and...whisper that you love him...and he'll never kno you said these words... ^_^ i'm a dreamer.... ;)
8/25/00
*siGh* wut do i wish i could dream about tonite...hammiez...i hab an incredible amount of hammie dreams...food...hahahha...sylvia!!! mah taco dream!!! hahaa....;) dis dream i had 12 tacoz.. and i was liek "WOW! YEAAAA!!" and then like..dis stupid person..before i knew...STOLE MAH TACOS!! i woke up so mad..hehe..i was like "WUT?? WHO STOLE MAH TACOS!" hehe...the nerve!! ;) i dunno...imma silly ^_^ aww..den i once had dis dream of a hammie that was da size of a doggie...aaaaa!!!! ;) ohkiez hehehe..i dunno...what do i wish for... it'd be near sunset...and i'd be sittin on dis bridge..u kno like the onez at playgrounds..except this one would be over a mini stream thingie..where all the fishies are.... so the sunset would be..before us...and i'd be all upset lookin at da poor lil fishes while danging my feet in da water...cuz dem like..lookin at me for food....and my guy would come up from behind me n put his arms around me...open one of my hands with his...and it'd be like...a container of fish food... hehe ;) i dunno..that seemz sweet to me..told u imma silly ^_^ sweet dreamz
9/11/00
*i wrote this on paper yesterday cuz...i didn't want to lose this feeling...^_^ ...i felt this whole feeling after "This i promise you" by nsync..i kno ;) sillie..but...i feel...so in luv.." i could kiss the sky...i feel as though i've fallen so deeply in luv with a guy who i don't even kno, don't even kno where he is, don't even kno who he is but i feel he's so close to me right now i could cry.. ^_^ he's the guy who i kno will take me into his arms, who will hold me so tight, who i kno i can laugh with and tickle him and scream when he tries to tickle me back, a guy who will kiss all my tears away and take my hand leading me into the most beautiful parts of the world that i've never seen, the same guy who i can feel so little around him and know that he will always protect me, who i can look into his eyes and see him smiling at me with the sweetest unspoken words...the same guy who can feed me icecream and make me laugh at the same time so that it doesn't quite stay in ;) *Puahah* jus to kno that one day i'll be so happy with a guy i luv... to kno that he's out there waiting for me as i am waiting for him... to give my heart away into his hands to keep and know that he'll treasure it..always....to kno my heart will beat faster when i feel his touch... to play with whipcream and smudging it on each other's faces...and when he wipes away the whipcream on my face with a napkin...he would kiss me...first kiss *siGh* i'm silly... same guy whose fears i could take his hand in mine, kiss him on the cheek and whisper that everything is goin to be all right...we could be sitting on a little table in a buffet place and ew'd build this amazing castle out of food...it would be our castle, the place where all our dreams come true....a guy who i could sit on the beach with and we'd build a moat out of the sand and as my hands are building a part..his hands would pass gently over mine each time... the one guy who is looking at the same sunset i'm looking at right now...i can feel him for the first time in my life...i could cry out loud wanting to feel his arms around me...to tell him i already love him before i even know who he is because we were meant for each other... i will be there for him always and i will wait onlee for him...he'll find me...i kno it ...^_^ i promise him i will be waiting... oh yea...and he'll luv hammies ^_^ it's a given!! ;) *muaah* much luv...
[i know ...that's my innocence for you back then. there's still a part of me that thinks that way ...haha although i speak about a million guys or i seem too detached. i still crave...the simplicity of falling in love with one guy . and my eyes would only be for him.
til then my heart is closed from any other guy trying to perverse my dreams for his own selfish pleasure and satisfaction. i keep them safe for a reason...so i have something left to give to the one in the future that deserves it.
i guess the safest thing to say right now...don't fall for me..
every guy who's read this...i've given you a part of my past...so keep it safe.
mm...last walk into the past. i wrote this in 6th grade :) haha so if the rhyming is bad or awkward, blame it on my sappy mushy 6th grade mind ;) ]
Imaginin You Dream
imaginin you dreamin this same starlit night
caressed in your arms, the moon shinin so bright
forever from the day we meet and never let go
sharing luv that fills the heart mind and soul
someitmes i can't imagine jus where u may be
under a starlite sky or watchin a sunset beach
i jus can't see
why we so far apart
or too close to pass by
sometimes its jus too hard
to imagine u finding me
i imagine the days your eyes meet with mine
goin deeper than thoughts
and yours to find
to explore and listen,
to share and hold
memories to reminisce
and futures to unfold
holding your hand i've dreamt of afar
we'd walk hand in hand
right towards the stars
passing hte milky way
the constellations and planets
its too good to be true
i wake up
that's how things are
sometimes i think i was never meant to be held
the irony i feel in the cards i was dealt
cause i want to luv freely and give so much
to feel the warmth of someone and feel his touch
tho i know most chances i'll end up breaking my heart
cause i could never break yours
i'd jus fall apart
i'd give up everyone
save the pieces of myself
to let you know i've been waiting
straight from the start
will u be there and never leave?
cause i've been hurt too much for my feelings to concieve
anymore anger and confusion
the times when i cry
hiding myself in a closet
from believing all these lies
it scares me cause i need
someone to take me from this land
to put my trust in
release my burdens
i need you to understand
to hear you say you luv me
so i can believe
that you truly mean it
believe it, just take my hand
cause this always happens
way too fast
i fall for sum1 so easily
and it's not going to last
i look outside to see if you're there
finding myself lost
and fulfilling my fears
cause maybe this is true God's way for me
not meant to find you
that's how it seems
but there's a chance you are out there
still looking for me
i'll still be here thinking of you
imaginin you dream...
[with love - becki ]
5/9/04
it's 5:02am...
i always like writing so late at night...it feels safe :)
cause the room is all dark around me, roomie is sleeping and i have all my stuff animals piled around me while a blanket is curled around me ^_^
i miss my brother...i know it's random but it's been over a month since i've talked to him...
it's not like i haven't had periods when i haven't talked to him...especially when he went to college, i never saw him for months at a time...
but this time it's different. he feels farther away now...now that he's not living at home...
i feel this tug at my heart realizing that the winter that just passed may be the last time that home felt like that...
and maybe it won't be the same anymore.
it's silly and ironic at the same time that when i finally can embrace the comforts of home, that the feeling is stripped away again.
... lately i've been worried about him a lot...
sometimes you have to wonder...about the people in your life who have always been so strong in protecting you, who is there to protect them? must they be so strong to take everything upon their own shoulders... i know he's strong...on the outside. who protects him inside...
i really love my brother...i don't think i say that a lot...especially to him...
we've never really talked a lot...serious talks except when i had problems and he would give me advice...so it's...silly and cute at the same time when he leaves messages on my voice mail asking me how i've been doing and leaving long messages. when we talk there are awkward silences sometimes just because we never talk on the phone hahaha..except when mommie used to call :) and my brother would shout in the background haha...
i sometimes think that that's the way he checks up on me tho ;) i think the feeling of being a lil sister to a brother who takes really good care of you is one of the best feelings in the world...
even though he's not here all the time to take care of me & i've learned to take care of myself...
he's there at the times i need him most. my other brother takes care of me too, hahaha just in other ways ;)
i got so mad at him today!!! we were carrying boxes to move out of the dorm, and i told him to take the heavy box cause he's a guy and he made me take it!!!! hot damn! if my own brother doesn't treat me well, how can i expect other guys to -_- feh...hahahaa so i was laughing when he took the heavy package on the second trip....
hahahhaa i'm so evil!! evil!!!.... ;)
haha...with my oldest brother i feel like it's my job to take care of him sometimes :) he hardly spoils me but he talks to me a lot...which is silly i think but cute cause he's 6 years older than me...he's very much like a little kid sometimes and i think that's one of the best things about him...because he'll still wake up with me Christmas mornings and look at the presents...
and he'll still wanna play board games ....he'll take my stuff animals and make them talk also hahaha.. and even tho he's cheap, he's stronger than me in ways i could never be...
i guess this is my brother entry ;) b/c i realize how lucky i am...
maybe that's the real reason why i like writing so late at night...to realize how lucky i am. and how much God has blessed me.
man...i swear tho'... it's mad tough gettin thru the childhood stage with brothers tho -_- i got beat up so many times!! damn!! so if you think somethins wrong about expecting them to spoil me now you're wrong!! I DESERVE IT!!! i swear nothing makes you tougher than having two older brothers :P
mann especially after we watched bruce lee movies or some kung fu and then they'd try to imitate the moves on me >_< *cries*
*Hugs* i was made tough ;) that's why i can beat up all them guys that mess with my girls ;)
sunrise is so pretty...i wanna trek out to the golf course one of these nights to stay up for it...one day :)
must sleep :)
with love
-becki
