3/17/05
wah!! the phlebotomist is cool!
(he's the guy who sticks you with the needles!)
so there's like...three phleboto thingie people surrounding my arms. i never quite knew my forearms would draw so much attention. after being forewarned from me that it's really difficult to find my veins, they are further spurred on forth by their own ambitions...
so i'm pumping (pumping is when you squish your hand several times as if a heart was in your hand and you squeeze it to beat...is that too blatant? i like my analogies ^_^ ) and they're like
"you have really tiny veins"
"her veins move!!!"
"you can do it. i don't wanna do it"
dum dum dum "bring in fernando, he's the best!" (they say that every time after attempting to look for my veins...)
but he is the best!!! he was scary and intimidating at first but i like him now :)
becki's past experiences include
(1) being stuck 9 times by my dentist under nitrous oxide (laughing gas) for my wisdom teeth. he gave up and gave me several shots of novacain in my mouth. i didn't care! i was on nitrous oxide ^_^ whee!!
(2) the lady who was like "i never miss." (later...after attempting) "that's odd...i never miss"
lady...you just did... -_-
(3) the time i first gave blood...and my entire arm turned purple and bruised right before prom. it was kinda...the last time i gave blood...:P
but i'm a pro at it...even if they're not ;) i like him tho, he's silly and nice to me while he sticks me with a sharp thingie. haha...i wish i got a lolly pop :(
anyway the results are back. the doctors have taken several tests including a CBC, ANA, PPT, and an SLE Profile B test and they're pretty sure that it's lupus, but that itself is still very general.
there are different forms of lupus, and there are a lot of ways lupus can manifest itself throughout one's lifetime...so that is what is kinda scary...kinda cause you don't know what will hit you, when or what organ my immune system may attack.
but other than that...i don't yet have joint pains, or kidney problems so!!!!!!
i wanna do everything!!
who wants to join me ^_~ it's very difficult to kinda self cure though...
cause it's like a catch 22...my immune system is low so i'm at risk for infections, but i shouldn't do anything to promote it because it's my immune system that is attacking everything...
meanwhile i'm getting kinda confused cause i don't know exactly the right foods to eat...so i've been eating junk food! YAY!!!!!!
i'll eat better next week -_-
all the symptoms have just kind of exploded in the past month and i'm wearing like 50938032 creams with like...5 different kinds of rashes. the creme has a very oily like appearance so i look as though i'm sweaty, oily with rashes -_-
baby i look hot. literally. ^_~
i'm not so fearful anymore...i'm still really lucky because nothing is serious and we're catching it still kinda early...
i think i made my other doctor think i was a hypochondriac and thus he didn't take me seriously -_-
i have reasons!!!! i've calmed it down. hahhaa...but still. right now might be the best state my health is in. i don't really know what the future holds but again, that's in Gods hands...
and lupus, compared to the other autoimmune diseases seems to be the least scary ^_^ the only thing i am scared about is if it starts affecting my nervous system...to the point where i can't really control my emotions, my memory, etc...
but i keep forgetting who really is in control hmm.
*hugs* I <3 you all.
maybe along the way i'll fall in love with a cute doctor *wink*
err..med student. doctors are too old....mommie and daddy said i have to marry one to cover my medical insurance hahahhaa. gotta work the charms.
w/love
-becki
3/12/05
hey...
haha...even this feels open ^_^ but i get a little overwhelmed telling individuals or explaining everything all at once..just because so much changes..
or maybe it just seems like so much changes this week.
God gave me a wake up call to change my life.
i'm going through a lot of blood tests...a lot of doctors...so much so that my preconcieved plans have been cancelled.
but so often i go by my own plan...
i forget His plan. to change me. mold me. shape me.
the doctors are diagnosing me soon with a disease....i think i wrote in my xanga before how i have an undiagnosed autoimmune disease...so ever since i decided to change doctors and to get a second opinion before i was to leave off for a trip with my roommate...
there came another slew of blood tests...
i guess i didn't expect that the results would be any different from before...
i mean every time i go to the doctors it's a different thing but i think they're heading towards diagnosing it as systemic lupus.....
/they took a blood test before i was to leave for my trip and found out my white blood cell count and platelet count is low.
basically..my white blood cell count is at a 2.5. normal range is 4.4-10.4?
and my platelet count is 66,000. normal range is 130,000 - 400,000.
i was leaving to the dominican republic...it was a trip i had saved and worked extra expecting to be able to have some time to hang out & bond with my roomie...kinda a trip of a lifetime...
i love the sun...the beach...the water...the ocean...
there were some crazy once in a lifetime activities...cascading down waterfalls, quadtreking tours on a four wheeler, exploring caves with a water to wade through...
i guess i felt like something may happen in the future, so i wanted to have a trip like this to get away from the doctors and while i still could...
my doctor called me the night before and pleaded with me not to go because of my blood tests...
being told that your body isn't strong enough to even travel to a foreign country and not be able to take a vacation from everything...
is kinda scary...because except for the rashes on my face and back and hands...
i look healthy..and most days i feel healthy.
so i had to call the group leader, my boss, and the dean of recreation called....
i wasn't allowed to go on the trip. being told the night before you have everything packed hits you just a little harder.
for the first time, i realize what it means to say ..
my body is weak, but He is strong.
i've been leaning heavily on a few friends right now but i can see how the weight of the burden can get to them...especially my roommate who finds me crying sometimes..
usually near my period or when my platelet count drops really low -_- otherwise i kinda take the results of the test in stride...but anyway,
i'm gonna try to transfer it all here. kinda like...so i can still be normal but every time u guys wanna ...commiserate with me and learn how God is shaping my life...you can read it! without me piling it on top of you and being like "BOOM" hahaa...
i mean most of the times i usually am okay !
i've been okay...it's just progressing i think...
so i'm trying to turn this into a positive experience....
hopefully after a few days i'll be able to let you guys know what i'm trying to do with this time...
other than...eating out. hahaha...
but yes. when i am outside...i experience life just a little more fuller...
not that i expect life to be shortened...but
i think this might have been something I wished for. for something in life to kick my butt and tell me to wake up to life...
the mundane routine of life can program the thoughts of a person and limit the imagination..
i wanna switch up the routine.
so maybe i can't go to far away places...
even in some ways i feel that nature here is material...and God is telling me that it is okay if i don't experience it here...He has something even more beautiful in store in Heaven.
i mean really it wasn't that i was disappointed in not going...
but more that it's a wake up call that i'm limited from doing certain things.
anyway...i write on and on how i'm going to change and in the end i still rely on my own strength, not His.
but. this time it's different.
i'm experiencing life in a deeper way...one that i've never experienced before.
taking a vacation to the dominican republic was my way of running away.
but i'm going to stop running away and wrestle with the things that come my way.
i love you guys...this isn't meant to be a burden...
it's kinda like i dont know how to tell my closest friends when honestly i wanna talk about other things with them..but i dont want them to find out from someone else and be like "what? you never told me"
or the times when i do act funny, for them to misunderstand it...or if i seem busy or stressed..i mean...
just a lot more that i'm trying to learn to balance.
most of the times...I see myself sleeping in God's hands...
and that gives me the greatest comfort of all.
i'll keep you guys updated here...i think a lot of the results to confirm everything will be coming in this week...
oh btw..sorry, this site needs a makeover ^_^ i'll give it one soon.
with love
-becki