Untitled
6/20/04
moments in the past few days that i have adored and embraced.
holding lil kate [2yrs old] in my lap at the top of the beachhouse at LBI while she asks me where the bugs and birds fly...
she flaps her wings to imitate the birds...when she sees a bunch of birds i tell her that they're friends and that they're traveling somewhere together
and she always points to a tree and asks if they are going there ^_^ i tell her yes, sometimes they go to the trees and sometimes they go far away like where she is. she giggles when a bug lands quietly on her hand.
it's so funny when tries to get on my lap and wants to go exploring at the same time hahaha...she kept on coming off and going on that she started trying to jump on my lap hahahhaa...so little!!!! we talked about waves and bugs and we'd sit on the couch together...
she is soooooo polite..."kate do you want...." and she'll reply with the cutest "no thankyoo" in the world...and when i leave to get something she'll start asking where i am and when i come back she says "thankyoo for coming back!" hahaha. my goodness..my heart dropped...she is so completely adorable.
at the beach she asks to hold my hand and always giggles everytime the water touches her feet...
\i found out today that she never usually leaves her mom's side nor opens up except when i came...
haha...iono. maybe it's b/c i was like her when i was lil ;)
then ally [2] literally pulled me along with her tiny hands back and forth hahaa...she loves being swung into the air and walking on my feet while i walk...she loves cake and eating cake with her hands...i was running with caitlyn [3??] b/c she wanted to go jogging and i'm shoutin "hup 2,3,4" and ally runs with me to do the same haha...she pokes me b/c i poke her ;) and she's in a little watermelon dress...
wahhh mad cute..
played tag, and freeze tag...skipped around the block with caitlyn and tried not to step on cracks...
went on a tickle fest with max [5] and then completely got clobbered by jarrett [7] when he wrapped himself around my leg and sammy [6] followed in suit...so then i found all of them all wrapped around me not letting me move and then ally even jumped in. it's hilarious to see a little 2 year old try to cling on too hahahhahaha....i died ;)
at the beach jenny [10] and marissa [6] it was amazing...i will miss them so much...taught them how to fold stars and fold origami roses, haha actually i first met them at the wedding, it's been so long since i've seen them ;) they are my cousin's children and they started asking me where bernice was...hahahaa...[there is no such person as bernice] and then we went to the bar and i ordered them shirley temples ;) it's so funny how they just take my hand and i follow ;) but we built sand castles and jenny got me into building moats that were so futile cause the waves kept rushing over us....and they both wanted to go in the water but marissa doesn't like going as deep as jenny does so i have two hands being pulled in opposite directions...my oldest brother went also haha...we played this game where we were pretending we were in a movie and were being dragged in to the ocean where there was a beast, but we found this treasure hahaha so i made matt's toe that they had to bury the treasure where matt's toe was hahahaha...so the rest of the day, the lil ones are like "the toe!!!" hahaha and chasing after matt's foot hahahahha. i am so evil ;)
i can't even capture all of the moments. but i had so much fun.
precious moments.
i stayed 2 days at the LBI beachhouse right at the shore [2million+ dollar house] where whenyou wake up and look out the window, you see the waves crashing down. it was amazing.
my cousin invited me out to san diego this summer to take care of jenny marissa and kate..i'd just have to skip one class maybe ;)
i will be off to new york next week to babysit my lil ones [max, sammy, ally] while they're in new york visiting..my exam wednesday in micro. busy busy :) wahh so sleepie ^_^ i have so much more to write, but will have to write later...
with love
-becki
6/12/04
haha....tipsy ;) 3 champagnes, 1 sangria, 4 wines.... [they didn't have any more champagne :( ]
*siGh* i <3 champagne!!
i'z a lil dizzy ^_^ wahh!!
best part about being single, able to check out hot police guys.
^_^ there was this hot police guy kinda in the middle just watching the road...
i couldn't help but smile at him when i was in the car, and he smiled back ;)
wahh ;) he's so hot....i was so shy i had to look away afterwards...
oh my goodness...and the finest males i have ever seen in chinatown new york..
there is somethin about them new york guys that is so foine.
*swoOn*...
mad hot. i was dying. amazing 12 course meal i have pictures of from friday,
all you can eat buffet and drinks tonight at don quixote restaurant, and wedding at woodberry tomorrow
okay. haha...i dun think i'm tipsy anymore ;) just kinda fuzzy ;)
i want more champagne -_-
off to sleep!
wedding tomorrow...more champagne...more champagne....whee!!
haha i know...i sound bad. it's silly tho, i only drink to this extent at family events hahahahhaha. -_- just b/c i can ;)
haha..my squishies are here..haha...there's that fine line in still being able to act appropriate in front of them, and i think i'm responsible enough to do so...so after all that, i'm still normal ;) just in front of my brother ic an still act silly ;)
must sleep, another long day tomorrow
with love
-becki=
6/11/04
....so i guess you can say...i found a guy ...who intrigues me.
but i couldn't explain why if i tried...
...he kinda breaks through my barriers...one by one and all the shields i put up...
he makes me realize there's no reason for them...w/out even realizing it.
he's very sweet...
he makes me realize how i push even the nicest guys away w/out knowing it.
he's the exact opposite of me...i don't even think we clique at all, but he doesn't seem to take that into account...
he's very free...and unburdened..
...so different from me. b/c he is so open.
i sometimes wonder what it is with this facade i have built up. why does everything have to be so complicated...why do i always have to let go of every guy friend...
...there is all that weight on me...the weight of my past, people from my past, events, memories that haunt me...
i always thought i was one of those girls who smiles & laughs a lot..
but deep inside there's a little girl crying in the corner of her soul...
whose fears and insecurities haunt her daily...
but i kinda get a sense from him that no matter how far away i would try to be away from the crowd, he'd be one of the people to invite me in...his personality is very disarming...
i like that about him.
haha is this vague enough for everyone not to know who it is? ^_^ good.
just my thoughts for tonight.
weekend schedule, friday night - red egg party, saturday night - my aunt & uncle's wedding anniversary celebration, sunday - wedding...'sigh. i dun think i like these family celebrations except for the food. >_< i will take pictures of the food tho ;)
and i'll be dressed up -_- boo.
btw, i don't think i'll be babysitting for my cousins next week..or my other cousin might want me actually...wahh! haha...i'm not quite sure ;) but i might be free next week...
i'll try to get in contact with everyone...
keep me company the 28th to the 3rd...
oOoh. i might throw a party ;) err..or escape somewhere....depends how dangerous i feel and how many ppl will be free.
*hugs* thanks nan for takin me fishing today!! i had so much fun even tho most of the time i was trying to bait my hook -_- hahah......and yelling at you for catching 5x the amount of fish than me puahahah ;)
with love
-becki
6/8/04
random collections of writings that i never really finished for a full entry...
[writing 1]
my uncle in cali has been trying to convince me to go into writing...
so here's a bit that i wrote at the airport...
with watchful eyes, she held out her hand with hesitation as the dewdrops on the surface of the flower fell...drip..drop...drip...drop...forming a puddle in the cradle of her hand
she squealed at the cool touch of each new addition. satisfied that her collection of morning's tears were enough, she clasped both hands together and tumbled along the grass. her tiny legs carried her as fast as they could.
thud!
and then i stopped...you never realize how intricate writing truly is until you take time to examine the great works that you've read...
[writing 2]
i havent really made a no guys for 2004 statement, just b/c when i made the last one, the most pitiful circumstances came about...so i kinda think if i don't really make a statement, [kinda like how you say that you're gonna go on a diet, and all the sudden a rich chocolate fudge cake shows up in your refrigerator? hahahaa] then no attention will be drawn...it would just kinda be something just for myself...
i have a whole half a year left, i'm not gonna vex myself ^_~
but i will pull away...
i don't really want anyone waiting until new years either...
it's kinda an indefinite type of celibacy...
[writing 3]
it's silly....
i guess i should make this clear again...
i'm not really into dating guys...and i guess i give the wrong impression with all of my silly dreams...
but anything that anyone pursues with me now, i view it completely as friendship and no more...
i can't say i'm falling anytime soon..nor will i let myself...
but please don't take my gestures the wrong way.
yes i think a relationship could be a very sweet thing...
but only with the right person. and i've never held to that in all the past relationships.
but i will now. seriously...God's gotta like...strike me with lightning when it's the right guy :)
it is immensely fun being single tho ' ;) hahaha...my 5 second romances with the guys on the subways, or at the restaurants. silly silly. but i adore ;)
do i miss holding hands with a guy or taking moonlight walks on the beach?
haha...
in the end it's not worth it, unless it's "the guy"...b/c no feeling can compare when you're with the right person. but i'm not willing to sacrifice the "on the surface" feeling, b/c i already sacrificed too much...
it's gotta be the right guy who i can grab by the hand and run in sprinklers with..
or who i feel the ease of talking on the phone, wishing we could be together in person...
it's not every guy who makes you want to better yourself or achieve higher goals....
nor is it every guy whose words you admire...
you want the right guy who you love doing nothing with, but your heart still beats fast..
and maybe a lot of what i'm writing now describes the beginning stage of a relationship, when everything is new...
but i would want to fall for someone with character...who i'm allowed to let go when i'm with him. there are many qualities that i want in a guy, but i don't feel validated saying that until i've developed certain qualities as well....
so i was trying to think about what makes me me...and i kinda came up with this, i know it sounds silly but i think how i describe myself is far from how a guy would describe his perfect girl..haha.
so i have a ways to go :) i jus thought it was unfair to always be subjecting qualities that we want in guys w/out subjecting ourselves to it
[i'm playful and silly, and i can usually make a guy laugh [usually hahahaa...if he doesn't laugh i tend to not lean on the side that maybe i'm too lame, and more on the side that he has no sense of humour -_- hahaha] but i also have a very different side that is not so open or childlike...it takes someone special to reach that side of me w/out me turning away.
i'm shy at first, but not once i feel comfortable...then i open up completely ;)
i don't easily give my heart, but when i do, i give completely...i care. a lot. more than most people...so the depth of my feelings usually carry more weight...i tend to think that i'm intelligent but just lazy...hahaha i am trying to change the laziness :P
there's still so many more qualities i want to develop before i'm with a guy...but one thing is for sure, i want to be completely on track with God before i get into any other relationship.
and i haven't gotten there yet....my evil side is fighting it
hahaha...rebellious nature...wahh i'm so torn!!
so until then, no boys! but shh..
[writing 4]
played volleyball with my bro ;) he bought me a volleyball for my birthday so we were tossing up to see how many times we could throw back and forth *wahh* neck hurts ^_^ but i really wanna improve...
watched a movie with my father the other day. "the day after tomorrow"
omgoodness!! IT WAS SO SCARY!!!! i almost cried...hahaaha.
me<--wimp -_-
i guess you could say i embrace family a lot...
there are precious few times you are able to spend time with them...
[ends random writing tangent ;)] i know it's all scattered, but usually i don't like putting an entry up until it's finished. haha it's silly, i know...but i usually like to resolve my thoughts in the entry.
maybe next time
with love
-becki
6/2/04
i wonder...if it's really been so long that a guy has ever asked me a question about myself...
that i no longer know how to answer or respond...
haha i guess i've been so used to asking guys what they're interested in and listening to them talk...
i've never had a guy ask me so many questions that i've been so unprepared for...
it's silly i know...
usually i jus go on random spurts...about food...or hammies...or the silly klutzy things i do on a daily basis.
but i'm so shy when someone asks about me...or what i love...
or what i like to do...or what did i do...
...it's new. and i'm shy. haha. i know.. *blushes*...
or maybe i've become so accustomed to writing that i don't know exactly how to articulate my thoughts anymore...
...
so i guess i'll try to answer these questions here...
what do i like to do?
i think i said reading. i do...i adore reading....or sitting in a bookstore or library for hours and reading...
ahhh plaster a huge sign that says "dork" on my forehead ;) it's okay. i'm okay with it. haha...
but i can't describe the feeling ...it's not just reading...it's always been my escape...or the reason why i like books that are based in a different world is because there's still that magic in discovering all the little intricacies within that world...
i think i said exploring also. just b/c my favorite memories were going exploring...like in the woods with the flashlights turned off...and talking late at night while walking through the streets at night...walking the beach before it hits dawn and just sitting there with no words.
you know i never realized how much my boyfriends didn't know me...
or i didn't let them know me...b/c we never did anything that i really loved to do. the whole dinner and a movie thing...i never liked it. and i never felt comfortable enough letting them know what i wanted most to do.
i love iceskating. i could go iceskating every day...
volleyball...i love decorating...and...ikea...
whee!
i also like fixing things and working with my hands...or putting together things with tools...
like power drills...omg that was amazing...talk about power hahahhaahaa
i love swings. i haven't gone on swings for so long. and bridges....and places in nature. did i tell you? i found the most amazing place for a picnic...
ohh i love dim sum! and lately i like trips to the mall with my girls....CLIMBING TREES....
i still need a partner to climb trees with. c'mon. and like...surrounding myself with alll my stuff animals and kissing each and every one of them...
or those DZ discovery zone stuff that i was always too old with. i love tickle and pillow fights...haha i think i like goin to the gym too...or just late night conversations in general....
i love baking b/c i love eating...playing with little ones. and running aroudn tickling them. it's SO FUNNY hahahahhaha. and then they go and tickle me back and it's not funny anymore -_- hahahaha
i have to say the trampoline was pretty fun...altho it's mad hectic when one of them gets hurt b/c they tripover each other, but u gotta understand, they're not really hurt...cause u jus gotta not make a big deal about it and do somethin to make them laugh.
it's really so funny haha..
i miss my squishies.
must go ^_^
with love
-becki
6/1/04
haha. listening to old songs bring back memories . maybe tomorrow - nouveaux
i gotta say. about this one Christian guy i was almost involved with. i told my mom i was going to marry him...but now i say that about every guy so i don't think that counts hahahaha. sorrie future hubby ;) i don't know if i really think that. but i could have seen myself with this one.
we had a lot of fun...and really funny memories...he'd always drive from so far to pick me up and we'd go places spontaneously...we'd talk til all hours of the night and have silly adventures of making different recipes...
and when i first saw him from across the room, he gave me the sweetest smile. he was shy but so approachable...
when we went to new york and everything ended up being closed...it was still okay.
but it was the right thing at the wrong time. i wasn't over my 2nd ex. i didn't want to give the next guy only half of me...i realized that when we were going to watch a movie together in his house and i sat on a different sofa...b/c i didn't want to lead him on...
it was such a sweet friendship. a guy you could really call a best friend...
i guess he's one of the people i wish i had met later in life.
but these qualities i found in him...that's what i want in a relationship. for the guy to have a certain depth but gentle nature...for me to feel comfortable enough to do silly things and not feel like the guy doesn't want to do it either...to have adventures and to laugh...i adored these qualities in him.
i wonder if dating really is about that...finding the qualities you like...silly silly.
it's kinda sad when i run into him at the computer lab and it's not the same...but life goes on.
he was the closest guy in my life who really fell close to the qualities i want in a husband.
i would only have wanted to give him all of me. but i couldn't at the time.
thank you. for the memories.
maybe tomorrow by nouveaux is his song.
"the heavens meet with silent symphony
as orion shines for me
and are you there feeling the same as i
whispering little songs to the lonely sky
and no i don't know where you are
i know you must be there
i'll kiss the air that covers you
i'll watch the moonlight dance in your eyes
i'll hold you safely in my arms
maybe tomorrow you'll be mine
i'll say a little prayer for you today
may troubles be far away
and i'll be here on bended knee
until the day you say you'll marry me
and no i dont know who you are
i know you're beautiful
so for now i'll lay me down to sleep and dream
and maybe tomorrow
i'll be waiting patiently
promise you will wait for me
no one else to hold on to
until i'm holding you"
with love
-becki