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7/22/04
it's 3am and i can't sleep.
it's difficult regulating my hours when i'm used to sleeping at 4am, so turning around and sleeping at 10pm to wake up 6am is a huge change.
becki is now employed in corporate america. isn't that crazy? but i know already that it's not where my passion lies...so i'm kind of torn.
the people are really friendly, but i really feel my age at the office...so it's kind of a stepping up to a challenge. i know i can handle the work, and the environment is pretty laid back but ...iono.
it's crazy my summer, b/c the 1st half i spent taking care of all my lil ones which i adore so much and the 2nd half i'm in corporate america in the accounting department of a large firm.
it's a little difficult switching mentalities, spending most of my time now with the Adults that are the Parents of all the little squishies haha...it's not like i can lie and tell them that economics is what iv'e always wanted to pursue. i wanted to be marketable so i chose economics which opens up a lot of opportunities for those who are economics/business majors but i just switched out of teaching and nursing. big difference.
i guess this is what's on my mind and why i can't sleep.
don't get me wrong, i'm really happy to be employed and the experience i'm gaining is insurmountable in the business world...haha "building my human capital" ;D but i guess it scares me, how easy it is to fall in the 9-5pm category and stay with it the rest of your life.
mommie laughed when she saw me try to dress up in business wear ;) i just look funny haha...maybe cause i'm so used to scrubbin it with my lil ones hahhaa. at least now i can afford to spoil them and send them a care package or two :) yay! b/c i was on the verge of hacking into my savings account to pay for my books this semester >_<
haha maybe i am afraid of committment or i'm afraid that i have a deadline to pursue what i really want to pursue and if i miss that deadline i've missed a million opportunities.
but this time i think maybe i am placing too much in my own hands.
when i first received the call for the job from peter i was literally screaming and hopping around the house ;) just b/c earlier on that week my father had given me a stern lecture b/c he knows that i'm really afraid of being rejected which is why at most times i dont apply for jobs [or colleges for that matter] nor try to go beyond what i know i can accomplish. but it made me cry b/c i realized what he was saying is true. i try to avoid things that i'm afraid of handling for fear of rejection.
haha i know i'm sounding really insecure right now. but the experience of having a job provided especially so soon after my father's lecture made me realize something.
God's unfathomable love. b/c no matter how far i am away from Him, He still takes care of me...
i can't fathom this love.
*hugs* my saturdays are yours.
Faith, promise me one saturday that i can find you before school starts again, i miss you so much!
everyone else, dorney park aug 14th?
with love
-becki
7/4/04
so that was probably the best july 4th i've ever spent.
thanks to my man linda. haha ^_~ i spent the day at her cousin's house and it was this beautiful place is burlington south jersey, completely unexpected. the backyard of the house faces an open lake with a dock and boats, the other side is a smaller lake.
what can i say, holdin onto my man linda while speeding on those kawasaki water boats hahahahaa. she brought me to the point of almost fear ;) it was insane. we discovered while i was holding her that i need a guy that is adventurous ^_^ that brings me to the brink of fear, but until then, she'll be my substitute hahaha...
then i went water tubing while her cousin drove the boat, omg. my butt hurt. and i'm trying as best as i can to nudge myself into the little donut hole determined not to fly off b/c they tried [successfully] to throw me off the tube by speeding the boat back and forth until you literally feel the entire float jump 2 feet into the air and you can't hang on anymore ^_~ everything aches haha....<--weak
my 1st taste of cognac and coke...i haven't yet decided on that one haha...the 1st time i was ever so close to fireworks and holding up the cutest 2 year old in my arms so he could see also. volleyball!!! til night ^_^ b/c i missed it so much, and being able to jump into the lake to cool off...digging for clams while swimming and swimming to the middle of the lake with a life jacket. i was so happy when i found clams!!! but when i found a clam and then i brought it to linda's mommie she told me it was an empty shell *cries* haha...only the yellow ones ;) who knew... i can't even explain the feeling of just being in the middel of a lake. it's like the biggest pool i'll ever be in ;)
but i love nature. i can't wait to go camping w/everyone. lets jump into the lake ^_~ err. i need to buy a life jacket hahahaha....
hahaha and karaoke...i never laughed so much listening to linda's lil brother and his friend sing...her cousins place literally had everything, a disco ball, pool table, bar all in one room...they danced...i can't believe they danced and it was so silly b/c everyone went around the house and gave flowers for their outrageously silly performance :)
so yea... then....my embarassing moment...
when i hear people say the next day "does becki have a boyfriend? because that white guy was hitting on her" wah! >_<
the thing is..is that he was a really nice guy and in the national guard which i found really fascinating...and talking to him was really easy...but he would throw in a phrase like "yea i used to work at TGIF, maybe i can take you there sometime" or "when we have parties down at stockton next year you should definately come" or "lemme get your number" haha...
iono. i tried to kinda back away ...sometimes walk away and follow where linda was, but he'd always come up to me and talk some more...not like one of those scary or perverted guys....
he's one of those guys you'd love to get to know...cause he's a lot of fun...but you have a sense that they wouldn't look at you as a friend. and that's important to me that a guy can.
iono. maybe i'm afraid too much. i am scared of getting to close or if i feel like i may be giving a guy the wrong impression i'll back away....hopefully before any real feelings develop on their part.
b/c to me it hurts more when i start to really care about the friendship only to tell them that's what i need from him and what they want what i can't give.
i don't know...you tell me. is it better to give a guy an honest chance in friendship when you know he's looking for something more?
alright...enough about guys...
i've been spending a lot of time at the beach/pools w/my boys b/c all my girls are still in asia. i miss you all.
favorite moment this summer, sitting on the back of mun's car with mun and eric and eating rita's icecream late at night ^_^
i have more to write..not enough time to write it all...21's definately the best year ever..that's all i can say. wahh i didn't even write about staying in nyc with my lil ones ;) next entry. so busy....
w/love
-becki