Untitled
1/31/04
[afternoon]
it's funny how you watch all of the people you used to look up to...and realize that they're human too. my problem is that i idealize. i remember when i was younger and i watched all of those who i respected and love fall quickly...
i wanted to fall too. so i did a while back. many times. you never want to be the only one left standing...but it took me time to realize that's because my faith and respect back then was placed on man. the frailty of human nature is so easily broken .
as i said. God is my only constant. and when i watch people fall....i no longer want to fall too. i know i must become stronger so i can pick them up. but it's really hard. the tears fall because i can't catch everyone when they fall. and i just want to run away and not care. i start to feel my selfishness set in and ask why they weren't there for me . but when it comes down to it. i have to stop running and feeling like i want to give up.
it's funny how even tho my world would seem flipped upside down in any other ordinary circumstance...God's holding me upright. it's so easy to watch the world's weight fall on you and to break but during these times...i encourage all of you. stay strong. if life's problems seem to be weighing on you...love. it will mend all of the hurt. hahaha and no i'm not talkin about going out and getting a girl or a guy tonite :P love your friends. love your family. your dog, your cat...your hammie!!!! whee! love strangers. and try as difficult as it is...to love those who have hurt you the most.
bitterness will eat away at you inside. i know. it's the hardest one . but it's the most important. you cannot love with the burden of hurt breaking your heart.
i love this quote... "If nature has made you for a giver, your hands are born open, and so is your heart; and though there may be times when your ahnds are empty, your heart is always full, and you can give out of that..." - The Little Princess
^_^
with love
-becki
[9:55pm] i went to the pan lunar festival or somethin like that...haha...i saw so many asians it was insane...[and when you see so many asians you're bound to see all of the asians you don't regularly see]
it was kind of odd...
i was coming out of judson this morning to go to work and i'm walking through the hallways past the room where the asian sorority girls are...they're really nice...but this guy's comin out and he gives me this look like he knows me....but i just keep walking cause i'm goin to work [haha...i'm so serious when i'm off to work....kinda like..."i have no time for anythin" attitude...] so i kinda...nod off the guy cause i guess his girlfriend is one of the sorority girls...and like...i turn back and i see him still looking as if he knows me...
so for the rest of the day i'm not thinkin about this...
then at the pan lunar festival i see him again and he's like...2 people behind us in the food line with his girlfriend still giving me that same look...
and i finally realize...i think that was my computer lab guy and that's why he keeps giving me that look ? i can't be definite...he shaved off all his hair?? egh. he looked better with spiky...it might be him..i can't really explain why else a guy would look like he knows me...i could be paranoid. but some stories should be laid to rest.
to be honest despite the idea that i put off that i'm boy crazy ^_^ i'm not!!
if you look at me...and how i interact w/guys...you'll know. i'm very clear on how close i'll let a guy get to me. and clear on letting him know...i'm not going to lead him on, i'm not getting into a relationship.
to my girls again. please be careful. make sure he proves it to you. watch for your hand and if he reaches out for it, then it's a good sign. i know i'm really bad at learning these myself..but my heart cries out to protect all of you.
but yes...despite how i rant and rave about boys...there's still only guy who i honestly....i don't know. i've never had this feeling before. ^_^ i should really stop mentioning names...i don't know who finds this journal...man if i was on xanga i'd be dead....
anyway. the drummer guy was really cute. haha. maybe i am boy crazy...hahaha and you can only think how i don't think these things when i'm in a relationship ^_~ but honestly i don't. [that's why i never go anywhere when i'm dating a guy???? maybe i just deny it myself but...hey. when i find that right guy...i'll only have eyes for him ^_~ ]
becki just wants a life with many abundant stuff animals that she can curl up to at night and mebe one hammie that lives forever!!!
i think that's all the comfort i need right now.
many many stuff animals! whee!
ahh..some new pictures up at [i still have so many more pictures to upload] helen's birthday, misc. & calligraphy ^_^
http://f2.pg.photos.yahoo.com/rebecca_tom
oh btw, here's my schedule.
Monday
9-11am WORK
3 - Macro CAC
4 - Soc of Med & health care BC
5 - Exploring Teaching CAC
6 - Philosophy LC
6:30-6:55 Ab workout CAC gym
7:50-9:10 rock climbing w/mommie
Tuesday
2 - therapeutic massage CAC
3 - Macro CAC
4 - Cont Sociological Theory DC
9:00-10:30 Jujitsu CAC gym
Wednesday
7:30am-11am Rutgers Readers
4 - Soc of Med & health care BC
5 - Exploring Teaching CAC
6 - Philosophy LC
6:30-8:00pm WORK
Thursday
3 - Macro CAC
4 - Cont Sociological Theory DC
5 - Cont Sociological Theory DC
7:00-11:00pm WORK
Friday
(1,2,3 starts February 20th. no classes on friday until then)
1 - Exploring Teaching CAC
2 - Exploring Teaching CAC
3 - Exploring Teaching CAC
1:30-5:00pm WORK
7 - Hip hop & funk WRC BC
Saturday
free!
Sunday
12:00pm-2:30pm Calvary Chapel
8:00pm-11:00pm WORK
hit me up if you're free ^_^
with love
-becki
1/28/04
^_~ haha. i think i told most of you, but i found it silly when i'm absolutely freezing outside walking from the tennis center back to the suites...and i see this girl clutching onto this guy in the cold. i look down at my arms...and the fresh aroma of a wendy's double cheeseburger and the warmth of the fries are clutched tightly.
puahaha ^_^ whee! mm. short entry ^_^ cause it's 5am in the morning and i just finished watching helen paint an entire canvas (my cheap 8 dollar ikea curtain) w/her chinese calligraphy. looks mad hot ^_^ and i cleaned..haha so it's prolly a good time to take another picture of the dorm ;)
i forgot to tell everyone i fainted during winter break...yea. i fainted. for the first time! so odd ^_^ i just kinda felt the world grow dim and the next minute i'm on my knees and i see people gather around me...i swear it's one of the oddest feelings.
mm what else. i'll try to put my schedule up so you can all find me...stalk me...whatever ^_^ i'm taking 4 recreation classes....hip hop & funk [i know...it's going on such a limb for me...i decided. i'm gonna face my fears ^_^], therapeutic massage [so i can give all of my aching friends massages], abs [so i can have a 2 pack by the end of this semester] and jujitsu [so i can...fall w/out dying. ] haha...
i know. i'm insanely packed and busy..i think i also might be doing the rutgers readers program but i'm not sure yet...they accepted my application but i had to change my times so i'm not sure if they have room...aaaaa! what else.
....CUTE GUYS AT LIVINGSTON...and in my macro class. whee!!!!! *blushes* hahaa...i swear it feels like first semester freshman all over again and i'm completely embracing it *hands lifted high* jackpot jackpot!!
haha...and it's silly. frank, the guy who used to find me at the quiet lounge 1st semester...and i would never know whether to say hi to him but he'd always come up to me and ask me why i didn't say hi to him....like i still don't know whether to say hi to him or not, but i had to at the computer lab b/c i needed to print out my colored copies...
hahaha and iono. the way he interacts with me. it's cute. i mean it's these short lil quips and i'm actin u kno...with my slightly sarcastic look with a smile..i can't describe it. i have many different looks for many different ppl but with him...i always leave smiling cause i swear he's the nicest guy..haha ...nono....
i'm not doin that derrick, derek, frankie, frank thing. no. it ends :P it's just there are some guys who when i interact i feel...haha i'm not sure how to describe it ^_^ just silly mebe...he probably is one guy i wish i knew better but i've really been keeping my distance with guys...
i haven't been nice to guys -_-
i should
...not too nice. haha...but nicer. maybe.
*hugs* okay ..insanely long day tomorrow. 5am already :( gotta wake up in 5 hrz
haven't been able to sleep late b/c of blood tests at the health center :P
is it a bad thing when the ppl at the health center know you by name? haha.
with love
-becki
1/24/03
i thought i'd give a real entry b/c it's been awhile...
it's 3:31am Saturday morning? and i can't go back to sleep b/c there was a huge knock on the door which was one of my suitemates...haha i was so scared it was like a huge guy trying to get in ^_^ but her b/f was drunk and i heard him wretching so yea...
i'm awake ^_^
been thinkin a lot. where i was then and where i am now. i am blessed.
it was one of the pastor's sermon at Calvary Chapel that hit me...he said the best testimony he ever heard was where the guy was like "first life was bad. then it was really really bad. but then it became good. that's when I meet Jesus and here's how He's changed my life"
and i think that makes a lot of sense. when we stop focusing on our bad or messed up our lives were before Christ as part of our testimony, and instead start focusing on what He's done now.
so lemme start. first life was bad. then it seemed to be really really bad. but then it became good. beyond good. that's when i let God take over again and here's how He's working in my life. He has blessed me with some of the most amazing most incredible friendships in the world, who He uses to guide me, support me, wipe away my tears, and bring me from my knees. He has committed me to learning how to love others better and leave my selfishness behind. There is a joy that resides deep within and peace that calms me that I have not felt for so long. I am blessed with a family who loves me at my worst moments and who continually sacrifice their time and love for me. He has given me the ability to pull up my grades, the opportunity to work and excel, the time to use wisely. Loved ones are healthy and safe. He is patient in teaching me and disciplining me but never failing to bring me back when i stray too far away. In my darkest times of loneliness He is there and I have the freedom to call out to Him with perfect assurance. There is a reason to rejoice, to love more, to serve, to be. I am still growing...but this is how He's working in my life now.
and I can only think...how could i live w/out Him? i couldn't.
schedule will be up soon~
1/17/03
here's to my last entry before i move back to the dorm
quick news.
to describe the situation.
2 days crash course...4 hrs total driving.
test on jan 15th at 11am. i wake up extremely late. the morning of i still can't get my parallel parking right. it snowed 6 inches. i shoveled like mad that morning. mom got the wrong registration card. we made it just in time with 4 cars ahead of us. 4 jovial guys walk out with smiles in their face who test the drivers. i'm praying they come to my car. they skip. out walks a lady who looked like she was going to kill someone. guess who she was testing?
she yells at my mom in the car to check her lights. at this point even my mom was fairly intimidated. she gives me a look and the woman comes into the car. i utter a shy small "hi" but was previously expecting to carry on a joyful conversation. she says nothing.
*breathes*
we drive. when i meant to push the gas peddle i stepped on the brake? [i should be thankful it wasn't the other way around] [i don't think she caught it ^_^], during my k-turn i was driving in the snow...haha.
i land my parallel parking perfectly. i forget the handbrake on the hill. i forgot to watch the road at the intersection. she...is insanely scary at this point. we drive in another circle.
she tells me to pull over. she says
"okay. i'm going to pass you"
HAHAHAHHAAHhaaa...oh man. whew.
on january 15th when all the schools closed due to snow,
becki passed her road test baby!!! *time to stalk cute guys on the road* whee! ^_~
haha so that's my short story ^_~
sweetest moment this week
when i got a package out of nowhere in the mail from nan...saying "the hammie" tom hahaha....
and inside are pocket warmers for my blue hands! *siGh*
best conversation this week.
with betty. you rock...i adore our silly conversations about boys ^_^
songs
more to life - stacie orrico
make me whole - amel larrieux
okay. i'm out ^_^ i apologize for the abruptness of the entire entry. life's moving fwd. i must move with it ^_^
with love
-becki
1/12/04
^_^ it's 3:10am in the morning...
i always adore writing at night...b/c it's quiet and while the world sleeps with their imaginations running their dreams...i am awake :)
so i've been embracing all of the time i've been spending at home...reformatting my entire computer, throwing out clutter, scrapbooking memories, cutting/tailoring my clothes, knitting, watching movies with my family, cooking the dinners i most love every night, baking any food i crave, eating out the kitchen...
okay...that's three on food...hahaha...
mochi love back ^_^ reading all the books i want to read, pursuing guitar, and all in all...adding depth to myself. it's been some time since i've...cherished moments? to the purest form that it can be enjoyed...
it's simple. i know. but i adore it.
when home is no longer a frightening place filled with uncertainty and tears...there really is a huge part of me that wants to love it.
it's odd. i know ^_^ haha i embroidered an "i <3 hammies" shirt too ^_^ i'm such a loser! hahaha.. i must tell the world that i love hammies now...i'm gonna convert the world ^_~
currently i'm on an 80's phase of music once again...filled with Peter Cetera [my personal favorite] and Phil Collins...haha...but it is odd listening to the lyrics and no longer believing so strongly in such words b/c ultimately... you cannot find those promises in the world.
i always thought i'd find this perfect guy who would rescue me from everything that was scary in the world...it's not that i don't believe the right guy exists for me...but my expectations should be placed on what's constant. what's steadfast.
i never realized how wrong i was when i was younger...i think my ultimate aim was to fall in love...
haha i know it sounds so silly ;) cause i'm silly ;) but i think i placed guys and my dreams about guys on a pedestal they should have never been placed on...a part of me so deeply craved that someone in this world could be everything to me [?]
but it's crazy that it took me...12 years to discover that...yes...my first crush was when i was in 2nd grade ^_~
and one thing i am trying to change for this year...
not necessarily a resolution but...just a change.
to let go of my fears. my insecurities. my sadness. b/c a hand was held out for me while i was drowning at a cost i can't even begin to comprehend...why am i still at the edge of the sea wanting to drown in my sorrows and self pity when i should be climbing a mountain.
a mountain i shall thus climb ^_^
other things i'm working on...being more clean and fitted. haha cause if you see me on campus u'd always see me with my hair all messy and in my tennis uniform...i'm hoping to present a cleaner look this spring semester...a ready to face the world attitude...a stalk all the boys wear. hahaha j/p j/p...
one thought to leave everyone with. i found this quote. i guess it's what i hope most for the new year...
"Lord, make me an instrument of Your peace.
where there is hatred let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light; and
where there is sadness, joy" st francis of assisi
okie! time to sleep ^_^ *hugs* with love always
-becki
recent ebay buy
iriver 190T mp3 player
silly moment of the day.
i walk into my room and i see mochi my kitten walking ...i take a closer look and i see that something is wrapped around her....i take an even closer look and i realize that it's my underwear and she's walking around with it as if it's a sash. -_-
i would take a picture and show everyone but i personally didn't feel like broadcasting my underwear on the web...but i thought it was so odd in the strangest of all senses ^_^
randomness.
pictures at http://f2.pg.photos.yahoo.com/rebecca_tom
hopefully i will add more later ^_^