1/8/03
"throwout unnecessary relationship stuff"
was on my list of things to do this winter break while i'm in new jersey
the trash has been emptied.
no regrets.
i learn from them and that is what i shall pass onto my children...not the heavy laden burdens of superficial writings.
it's all gone in the trash...every letter, every gift save one...
i saved my teddy bear from derek...i can't throw away stuff animals who i love ^_^
it's 2004. it's a new year...i have many many more things to do and i'm so behind! which is why i fail to write...
sillie moments of the day.
when i'm driving and my mom says "don't let the driver behind you intimidate you"
*BEEP* *BEEP*
"remember...don't let the driver behind you intimidate you"
"but mom! but it's a green light!! let me go!"
*BEEEEEEEP*
"oh OHHH! okay drive"
puahaha...
and then at the stop light there was this white boy i swear not passing 17yrs old with his shirt off and he's flexing his arms at me and smiling...
...i always seem to have a natural capability to attract the strange ones...
^_^ what else...it's been awhile since i've updated and i think i will be writing in here less often...the times when i write come and go...
6 hr conversation with linda til 3am in the morning...good stuff...
retreat for GNC jan 1 - 4 good stuff...have pictures and video clips.
reformatted entire computer. javascript is up and working and DC downloading will happen
new toy - nintendo gamecube...everyone bring ur gameboy games...it will hook up to my gamecube so we're gonna bust out this semester ^_^
will soon buy - iriver 190T 256mb mp3 player. becki has tech toys.
waiting for - my victorias secret pink wool jacket that arrived at helen's place
realized - i have 6 skirts now. i wear light make up and i like pink. no i'm not gonna cry if i break a nail...but it's odd. i wonder if me being feminine is my rebellion against the world now.
thanks to - mike. for sticking with me and not taking me seriously. because i need that sometimes :) and u hit the button on the phonecalls always.
need to meet up with - faith...womans!!
best moments...family. there are not going to be many more times in the future that it will feel like this. i'm hanging onto them as best as i can.
it's short quick and sweet. call the home phone if you need me, i will be desperately busy the week before school starts trying to meet up with everyone and get my applications out.
i will probably write a more formal journal entry to start off the new year.
happie birthday anna! even tho i dun think she'll find this ^_^ my best birthday wishes are in spirit! hahaa ^_^
with love
-becki
12/28/03 [11:59pm]
^_^ i love winter days...haha...
i went to sears with mommie to look for a long black satin skirt either for the CSO semiformal and my cousins wedding...so i found this wonderful skirt!!! it's like one of those princess skirts, so i was trying it on in the dressing room and showing my mom...and i'm prancing back and forth running like a princess with my hands on my skirt...
and i trip -_-
so the rest of the day my mom is making fun of me and telling this story to everyone haha....*siGh* ;) it was also cute yesterday, i was trying on hats and in the mirror and an old lady must have seen me from afar [i must have looked silly :D] and she said "don't cover up your pretty face!" haha...and she starts this conversation ...
and you ever have that feeling like your angel has taken on a persona...? haha maybe it's just me ;) ever watch touched by an angel? that's what she seemed like ^_^ and she tells me to watch out for boys haha....she tells me also about her son who said that he never thought he would find a girl and now he's married to a nice girl who's from the dominican republic and they have a beautiful baby girl...
hahaaha...it was cute. ^_^ silly liil stories..
*siGh* i love staying at home....i liked pikmin...CUTE ADORABLE CARROT THINGIES!! that follow me all around!! on the nintendo game cube ^_~ and i've been insanely cooking...
[bought a hammie calendar!]
okay...i gotta...be more productive...give me a call at my house number if you want to chill..
always
-becki
12/26/03 [10:15pm]
finished "between boyfriends" by cindy chupack...haha...i got it for christmas ^_^ go figure j/p j/p ^_^ it's insanely hilarious and my mom remembered the book from when i was going to pick it up for a friend...she's also the writer for sex and the city, but it's so funnie ^_^ the way she writes is so clever :)
so it's been a wonderful christmas. voila...i am officially the new owner of a nintendo gamecube so all you who wanna hit up my dorm ...i'm jacked!! jacked! hahaha ^_^
and!! i am halfway done with knitting a scarf...[dork]...ahem...but i just learned how to knit yesterday! [yay!]
i realized my mom brought me up in such a way that my whole being in existence is to be a housewife and nothing more. i can knit, crochet, cook, bake, clean the bathroom, kitchen, stove, you name it, vacuum, iron [properly now], do the laundry [when i have patience], sew more than just buttons and properly operate a sewing machine, shop for fruit and vegetables, shoe shine my goodness, ...i am completely....
what's that called...made to...
....SERVE MANKIND...aghhh. ...i was made to be shipped off and married to some unknown guy and serve him for the rest of my life.
but i kinda like the idea of being a butler instead. oOoh ^_^ butler! so i've learned the pitifulness of my existence...apparently i have a great talent for knitting...hahaha...what am i going to do? go up to a guy and be like...hey. i can knit...ain't that hot babycakes? -_- but apparently...despite my complete embarassment at me being a [dork]...i LOVE KNITTING! [yay!]
so! i'm going to knit all winter...just as i planned to. but hopefully to offset my knitting i've been continually practicing guitar...i do want to gain the skill so that someday i can write my own songs...as i would adore working with lyrics and gaining a new talent...i guess i'm pulled so many different ways :) i just need to find what i want to do and where i want to be...
and i think what my uncle said really is true...education gives you the means and opens doors to enable you to do what you want to do...and i think i realized how much that means this semester especially. i pulled grades better than i pulled in highschool this semester ^_^ AGhH! but there's one thing that's killing me!!
it's my comm grade....here's what she wrote in the e-mail right...
You will see a final letter grade for the semester, and a final score. [right right???] so here's what showed up on my course grade.
[87.5 A]
A?? WHAT"S THE A FOR?????....does that mean someone accidently typed in an A???...does that mean i have an A?? *crosses fingers*....i even checked on the rutgers transcript but it hasn't showed up yet :( *siGh*...
and apparently...my CS class that i was worried about....i had a 489/500 points...which is ...insane. and then my microbiology class where i had a D on the first exam [there were only two exams] apparently i ended up with a B+...
it's insane i swear i don't deserve these grades....but i really want to thank my suitemates...you guys are amazing...everytime i tried to sleep and judy threw that really hard black ball of hers at me [and the dog. and the nickel??? and whacked me with the long tube...*mumbles...study nazi. haha...*]....the coffee machine judy and bertina bought me that we survived on during that finals week...helen yelling at me for sleeping [everyone yells at me for sleeping when i should be studying :( but never hesitating to take the time to tutor me in anything i have questions on and i'm on the floor dying...haha...] ...the lack of cute guys at arc this semester...but the increase of cute guys at the dining hall *huge grin*.....just all of us studying together and keeping each other accountable...you guys keep me sane, grounded and accountable. you guys are wonderful and i owe it all to you...
*muah* iono what else to talk about...i had another John dream...i feel like i don't deserve such wonderful dreams...
...it's happie but it's sad...b/c when i wake up ....
what's that called...it's like groundhogs day....where you felt like you've spent so much time with that person only to wake up and realize nothings happened :\ so it's cute...but it's hard. but i smile...and that's enough ^_^
*siGh*. alright...this is a moderately useless journal entry...but i'll be reading more books this winter to hopefully write about some things more indepth. haha.
i kinda like these entries sometimes ;) it's me not thinking and my hands just type ^_^ i must continue knitting...i'll be finished by tonight and hopefully will be able to upload a picture...
i can't seem to get my picture gallery up b/c my eden account at Rutgers won't allow me to sign in :( sigh. but i will figure out something so everyone who has slow modems [including myself] can load the pictures.
with love
-becki
12/25/03 [3:49am]
...so i finally understand what it's kinda like to be santa clause ^_^
it's 3:37am in the morning and i have awoken after my parents have went to sleep to carry x amount of presents downstairs so when they wake up they will be surprised :)
i make so much noise as my feet squeak down the stairs! hahaha..
i know what you're thinking ;) if it's not me who's squeaking it's my feet!! ;)
...i don't know if i say this every Christmas...
but what I think I absolutely adore most is seeing my 25yr old brother act like a little kid when he tries to wake us all up at 6am in the morning to go look at the presents...like we would always do so...
and he would always be the most enthusiastic one. but his spirit would always rub off on us and even break markie.
to see us all...as kids again when we were little and having the same tradition...
i want to hold onto these moments oh so tightly. because they are precious few.
it's like our new years eve movie night where we all watch movies and eat junk food new years eve and at 12 we would watch the ball drop and then continue our movie.
i'm so happie my family has instilled certain personal traditions that i treasure so much.
when we were little we thought they were just neat.
but now they are true gifts.
haha i guess the only thing different about this Christmas is lil mochi love. hence the...lack of ornaments on the Christmas tree breaking my tradition of spending at least one night sleeping under the Christmas tree. she has thus taken over that responsibility ;) but yea. i always used to curl up under one angel. or my favorite ornaments and kiss them and fall asleep, and each ornament would have their own special color light that i would designate to be theirs...
i wish they were out so i could take a picture of the two ornaments i loved most. time has faded their features but i adore them still.
i think i was a very enchanted child. and I thank God for letting me have such a blessed world in which my imagination thrived...b/c it saves me as i grow older.
merry Christmas, but mostly,
happie birthday Jesus!
wishing everyone safe, happy, and healthy holidays. have a wondeful blessed day
with love
-becki
[12:05 am]
merry christmas everyone! yay! yay!!!!...
...YAY!! ...who else is going to wake up at 6am in the morning to look under the Christmas tree ;) it's soOO tradition.
so i'm THIS close to getting a photogallery up :( ...i will soon. i have an INSANE amount of pictures now.
i'm a monster.
monster!
^_^
*moOah* everyone lemme kno when ur free! all busy til next
tue/wed, 'pending. save me a day after jan4th, i don't think i'll be going to cali...and if anyone wants a scarf knitted tell me ;) haha...
loves always
becki!
12/24/03
so the night before ...i dreamed i was with john...and we talked...and in my head the entire time i couldn't believe that all my dreams finally were coming true.
...it was cute. i remember exactly saying that i must be dreaming...
and i was.
my heart dropped...
...i'm head over heels.
[later on ]
i spent the day sleeping til 11 ;)
watched the princess bride by myself,
got up to lesson 2 for guitar,
sewed and ironed my clothes,
gift wrapped christmas presents,
and i have an eclaire and napoleon in the fridge ^_^
sigh. life is so beautiful.
it may be simple. but i adore the simple things in life sometimes ^_^
12/23/03 [4:07pm]
happie birthday judy!! yaayay!!!
writing is my way of escaping...
whenever i'm crying and down on my knees feeling my insides tearing apart...
all i need is a pen and a notebook.
i think that's perhaps education's most valuable gift to me...helping me learn how to express. words are so infinitely powerful. and healing.
i'm back at home and everything starts up again.
and i'm scared. old emotions coming back to haunt and taking steps back. so i shut my door and pretend it's a different place. i put on my jason mraz and let my soul sleep. it's time to educate myself and to get somewhere.
i'll be okay. i'm under God's protection and i feel safer than i've ever felt before.
loves
-becki
one more comment before i sleep.
what do you do when you can't escape your past. and you want to run.
...i want to run.
12/22/03
i finally understand what the word pleading means...
much how you often try to plead with those you love to not put themselves in hurtful situations as you know what will happen...much how you often try to plead with those you love to show them they are worth so much more than what they settle for...much how you often try to plead with those you love so much that it hurts you and breaks you and makes you fall to your knees because all you can do is watch, and plead, and cry with anger towards those that will hurt the one you love...
is how God pleads with us, and how often times we ignore him to run with our foolish emotions. and he watches and he hurts by the decisions he tries to keep us from making, but we still do, and we still fall...and we run back to him...and he's still there.
standing at the door. strong and unwavering, patiently waiting, always loving.
i will love you despite whatever decision you make, although i will plead with you my entire heart to be careful and plead with you to show you are invaluable and precious...and though it hurts me so much i want to run away and breaks me and makes me fall to my knees because i feel helpless ...
i will wait and be patient, and be there for you for whenever you need me...i will try to be a better friend and love you more. please. be careful.
becki sleepie :) time to packing...i have so many pictures to share with everyone but i need my javascript to be up and working...*muah*
to all of those who pick me up when i fall too....thank you for always being so strong and unwavering...patiently waiting, always loving and showing me real love. i can't express it enough.
happie birthday to mommie! yay!
luvs
becki
12/20/03 [3:44pm]
waffle story.
b/c you guys haven't heard one in awhile :)
so i'm heading over to the waffle maker and i'm waiting for this guy to finish making his waffles...and he says to me, 'i was going to make another waffle but you can go first'
so i told him thank you, and we were talking about the waffle machine...i was also looking at his waffle funny but it turned out to be a banana waffle haha...
so i put on the batter onto the waffle thing and he's like "ohh...did you forget to spray the pan???" i was like "i don't think so..." and i sprayed the top...
[two minutes later]
after the waffle is done i open it and i realized the bottom is stuck! you should have seen my expression...so i'm taking the little handle thingie and trying to lift it up with my thingie....
and it's not coming off!!!!
so i'm digging at it for 3 minutes and he looks over and asks me if he can help me...
so he's digging at it for like 5 minutes...mad effective....he's like spraying it all professional
and my roomie comes by and i'm telling her what happened and the guy's laughing/smiling...
so finally after we're done with it and my waffle is completely...not a waffle anymore
he has like a bowl of banana batter...and he asks me if he can make a waffle for me!
(aaaaaaaaaa!) (i know!!)
so! he MAKES me a waffle....HIS SPECIAL WAFFLE and we talk and he asks me questions visa versa...he's a senior at Rutgers...and he learned how to make a waffle from his sister's restaurant and he was telling me all about the different toppings that there were...
so the waffle is finished and he's like...i'll be right back...
like...5 minutes later..
and i'm looking aroudn i see him putting on the toppings and it was AMAZING....he put cantelope pieces and mango slice, 3 scoops of icecream, chocolate syrup, pineapple..
it was really...really really adorable.
when i saw him come back i was like wow.
but yea. haha. ^_~ i didn't go back to find him. i think he thinks i'm not interested...he's really adorable and he looks good in a wifebeater :D but i didn't give him any "signals"...because.
haha...it was cute but...haha yea it's cute like all of my little dining hall stories that i make up you know...but if it's meant to be he'll find me again. or i need some strong sign from God...
and i remember jus thinking that something could start up so easily and that i had to evaluate it quickly.
so i chose to wait.
and i promised my guy in the future that i would wait.
and i will wait until i know who is the one God chose for me.
*mooAh*
while it was an amazing waffle ^_^ and a cute experience to share with everyone
...i'm waiting.
and to reiiterate. it takes more than an amazing waffle display to amaze me ^_~ maybe if it was shaped like a hammie then i'd marry him. like right away...hahahaha...
i think his name is nick...i'm not sure ^_^ but yea. to my girls, set your standards high.
loves
-becki
12/20/03 [11:00am]
so to continue my last entry...
as far as being impressed goes. i want a guy who i'm impressed by...in terms of his thoughts, his actions...everything.
but here's the difference. i want a guy who impresses me without trying to. i think with the last guy especially i thought i was impressed with everything, but it's because he told me everything i should be impressed by...rather than me discovering it myself and looking back, i saw pride and trying too hard. i guess a huge thing was that i was never impressed by his character. i hated his temper and road rage in the car or the superficial comments he would make towards people and although he found it amusing, i found myself regretting the relationship.
one thing...you never want to be in a relationship with a guy who's character you don't respect.
because it weighs you down inside. i'm not as easy to impress anymore. because it's not like i haven't heard the poems, the "i love you", the money spent on dinners and movies...
so this is what i want to instill for my girls. haha. i would gladly take the place of the guinea pig in being out there and having relationships so i would be able to better inform my girls to protect them...and at least instill their self worth and how much they are valued. and although i make different mistakes, please learn from my mistakes...b/c to all my girls out there...i love you. you are precious. find a guy who impresses you because he can quote shakespeare and has the depth to understand it. find a guy who's well read...who reads every book he can find from the classics to the contemporary. a guy who treats his family well and finds way to serve other people with a genuine heart. a guy who is educated, who writes...but not a guy who never fails to tell you how intelligent he is in case you didn't know. nor do you want a guy who thinks he's a failure.
you want a confident guy who's ambitious b/c he knows he's serving the Lord, and even though he may be knocked down, he'll get back up. you want a guy who has a strong relationship with God and it's evident through his actions.
forget the cars, forget the money, forget how good a guy seems to treat you or how cute he seems to be.
find a guy with character. i think the rest will fall into place.
haha. these are my words of wisdom as my friends draw closer to different relationships. please take my words and never forget your value. *moOah*
i'm so sleepie! oh! u also want a guy who works hahaa. because you don't want a guy who gets you expensive gifts but it's coming from his parents pocket hahaha. or it's coming from chinese new years :P a working boy. guys who work are so hot. *siGh*. puaha. :) oh! and pity relationships. nono. you want a guy who's already changed, who has figured out issues by himself ^_^
with love
-becki
12/19/03
hooked on ceres celestial legend...*siGh*
many siGhs.
short update...i think i aced all of my exams so my grades this semester should be high.
haha...that's me not freshman year and not with a guy ^_~
but i am thinking of transferring schools. i am scared. and nervous of new environments. but i need to be far away...there are too many bad memories vested in new jersey.
and while there are many good ones...they are bittersweet.
i guess that's still the debate in my mind. i adore all of my suitemates endlessly and if anything they would be the reason why i wouldn't leave...
...but in life i should stop being afraid of taking chances.
i will decide. but will be applying to other schools this winter break.
on a side note. i hope when i said i think i'm going to marry a john...ajay and eric don't start thinking "a john" is mun. mun is called mun and not john.
but the guy who i imagine...i think he's absolutely almost perfect.
in all the ways he's taken care of my brother...makes me believe he could take care of me ^_^
...i think this is a long term crush. i don't think i've ever felt this way. having a crush on a guy who impresses me by his words and by what people say about him. and i haven't seen him since may ^_~
haha. i know you all love my crazy ridiculous spurts. (wait wait.. may??) maybe it will pass.
did i tell you i used to clutch my heart every time i saw him and he waved?
hahaaha. *siGh* i'm a sap! ...it never failed :)
loves
becki
12/14/03
some pictures up ^_^
in.sight
so i've decided i'm going to marry a John when i grow up ^_~
*siGh*
luvs
-becki
12/6/03
old people are so cute. i adore them.
every monday and thursday morning i open up the tennis center for the senior citizens...
different facets of people complete me.
i feel how much of myself has grown up since last year.
when i look back on myself i see someone completely different.
i see a girl in the mirror who is now beginning to let go of her childhood.
its time to grow up, to have set ambitions and to carry the responsibility to fulfill them.
i still act like a lil one at home ^_^ just because it's my duty haha ;)
and all around the suite i'm jumping all around the place ^_^ because i'm really so happie here, especially when we all get to play *^_^*
but on the outside as i grow older...i shelter myself.
so many different facets of my personality come out...and a lot of times i'm not sure how to gage what's appropriate or how i should act.
sometimes i'm the girl on the streets with the mysterious eyes that shyly meet yours. or the girl that busts out in the baggy pants and trudges around campus. i'm the awkward clumsy girl whose chopsticks fling in the air in a formal restaurant or the one who bursts with a confident walk down the sidewalk. i'm the girl who's too hard to reach or the one who you confide everything to.
sometimes i wonder if i change too much to fit the people around me and their expectations. but i know i protect the part of me that's still a child fiercely.
...that's how you know when i'm close to you. when i'm playful ^_^ haha...
because i don't have to hide or feel embarassed...or i might feel embarassed ^_~ but it's okay because i love you!...
there are few people who i share my world with.
those who i've lost in touch with will never reach this part of me again...but it's because i care deeply without reserve.
i think that's something i want to change about myself.
...learning to love without fear of getting hurt...
...learning to love the unlovable...
it's so easy to love the lovable. to love the unlovable takes something greater. it's something i was thinking about on the way walking to my microbiology class.
...i want to learn how to love those who are thought to be unlovable...and to love without reserve. and unending reserve that is supplied by God's love. i think i have a long way to go.
on a different note
i'm scared. ...a part of me is deeply afraid and finds it harder to face certain things without the comfort of another person who was supposed to share those responsibilities with me.
but through this i gain my independence. my loss of reliance on those who i had given my vulnerability to and have taken it away. so if my voice sounds more mature and speaks as thought its been withered through a couple more years of experience...it's because my perspective has changed. my mind has matured...wisdom has been learned through time and i've finally. grown up.
my fears will handle themselves. learning reliance on God. although my reliance on people has dwindled sharply...my past bitterness is being replaced by the realization that many people carry a different mentality from myself and expectations aren't meant to be met. but i should have certain expectations of myself...
if the world that surrounds me becomes a certain way...how much better am i if i succumb to it. it breaks my heart...
but... i hope it continues to break me ..over and over.
just because. i think a person needs to be broken to have their character molded and sculpted by the hands of God. to live a numb life i'll still be in the same place i was yesterday.. it's kinda like growing pains :)
and i'll embrace them.
^_^ *yawn* i sleepie sleepie! ^_^ it's so funny listening to helen sing to the wizard of oz (it's playing on our tv in the dorm :D ) i haven't seen this movie in soO long :) good stuff good stuff
*muah*
i'll include pictures soon
luvs
-becki