4/30/04
it's so much more difficult to write when it's been long periods of not writing...
just because...don't know where to start...
i guess write now i'll start by writing how grateful i am for the friendships that...grow with me as i grow.
i love you guys so much...the best conversations are the ones with you.
those conversations make me smile every time and i'm so proud the way everyone is growing up and becoming so strong...my girls are so strong ^_^
secondly. i wanted to dedicate part of this entry to a few of those from the past that i've asked to stay in the past...
somewhere along the road you missed me growing up. it doesn't mean i care for you any less...it means that where we left it was left there for a reason...and any other reason would be selfish.
when i cry over a friendship, i don't intend to cry over it for the same reason twice.
if it seems like i'm cold it's b/c i can't give anymore to someone who always takes. i don't leave w/out a reason.
to the other...words without action mean less than words with at least some form of intention. how much more must i try to be the friend that fits your schedule? i can't give you a superficial friendship...
how long did i try until i can finally stop trying and realize that it's not going to work out. could you even offer me a friendship that is worth sacrificing for? i'm going to stop trying...and you could argue why should you even start trying if i stopped...the point is you hardly tried...and if you ever start, then you'll see my point of view for the past two years.
to the last...you'll probably never see this...but i probably miss the safety i had in your friendship the most. to see you grow up in ways that i can't understand i guess we were both shocked when we look at each other.
people think i let go or i run away from friendships so easily...but they don't see how much i cry before i say goodbye. people take so much away...
when i first meet you i'm hesitant as a friend.
when i trust you i'll do anything for you.
when that trust is broken once. i step back.
when it becomes fake. i let go.
i sometimes wonder how many walls i keep up to protect myself.
sigh. sorry for the sad entry. it's been weighing on my mind and lately the more people i've been running away from.
i try not to be so complicated >_<
it's just i've always trusted so easily in the past. like a child. you want to believe that everyone means what they say but it turns out so false. it's trusting with wisdom tied to my feet i think.
people are shady.
guys especially ^_~
...*siGh* i look at how hard i'm trying to stay away from guys...
i wonder if they even know...silly boys...
my being socially awkward helps...hahaha...
i don't want or need a boyfriend. maybe just a best guy friend. who i can fall for in a couple of years ;)
although i still do love imagining the silly romantic stories. i told myself i will make waffle boy an amazing waffle if i see him again :) just b/c. it was the sweetest gesture ever given to me and it's only right if i return the favor.
hahaha okay okay...enough sap ^_^ i'm sappy but i'll never let a guy be sappy to me
my awkwardness plays out in my pretending to be oblivious
despite what people think they know about me.
i'm not as oblivious as people think i am ^_~ i know what's going on and when a guy is trying to get my attention....
i guess it's just the way i grew up. playing oblivious b/c there are so many situations i don't know how to handle. this one time at church there was some ceremony going on and i was walking around outside at night, and i passed this new guy who was sitting in the foyer...and i looked at him just cause he was there to see who he was as i walked pass him...
and i kept walking but like 25 feet away i had felt him get up from his seat and try to follow me, i guess he misinterpreted it as a signal, so i looked back and i saw him looking at me and walking towards me...
you gotta understand that there was no one out there at that time of night...and i was walking into a dark corner where the house is. luckily when i went inside, it's where the children who were being babysat were and when i was inside, the guy had opened the door and saw all the children, closed the door and left.
i was in 7th grade. i grew up learning how to avoid guys b/c i dont know how else to handle it unless the guy approaches me straightforwardly and bluntly. haha i guess that's why it's so dangerous for me in new york ;) rather than being upfront with the guy, i'll pretend he's not there.
*sigh. i know. <--socially awkard. i feel like i've stayed away from so many guys...i feel bad b/c a lot of them might think i'm stuck up...but i'm shy...i'm awkward...i don't know how to act at the right moment or what to say...and in the end i'm ultimately still scared of getting hurt.
all the most important guys in my life have hurt me.
it's why when a guy friend first hurts me i'll let him go.
it's sad.
i made my birthday gift for my daddy tonight. i haven't made him a gift for over 10 years i'm guessing. it's a picture frame with stuff animal thingies...and it says "thank you daddy" and in the background i wrote all the reasons why i'm thankfull for him...
on the back it says "...because i could never truly write down all of the reasons why i am thankful...but thank you daddy most for loving me. i love you daddy (happy birthday! 4:30:04)"
...so i'm nervous.
...i feel like life is too short to be scared. i want to be daddy's little girl...but sometimes i feel he makes it too hard. and it hurts and i cry...i cry so hard wanting to trust again and having that betrayed so badly.
...i'm ...scared. b/c i'm making myself vulnerable again. and i know i make this present foolishly for wanting to love and have my daddy back. it makes me cry.
...i'm always so sad during the summer...
thats why you see me smile so much during the school year. b/c i'm embracing this time...with all of my heart.
my tears dont flow so easily...and i can curl up in my bed knowing that my world won't change over night.
security. i miss that i guess. i've been trying to keep myself safe.
...am i foolish?...
i'll take another chance. haha. i guess it makes me sad how similar my relationship with guys is like my relationship to my father.
so u wanna know the ultimate reason why i'm not letting any guy get close enough to date me...b/c i feel like it will never turn out differently. call it a self fulfilling prophecy.
...the only guy i'll give a chance to is the one who is stronger than me inside. strong enough to not hurt me b/c of his own shortcomings.. strong enough to be the better man in all cases. strong enough to keep his character and his values. ...
strong enough to protect my dreams and hold me in his arms when i fall.
guys are selfish. always looking for a relationship to see what they can get out of it, or how this girl will make him feel. it's true, i want a guy who's strong, the selfish part of me that wants that...but i also only want a relationship where i can protect the guy in the same way he protects me.
i don't think i ask for much. i'm not high maintenance...i like the offer of an expensive restaurant but i'd rather mcdonalds ;)
someone honest. strong. who i can talk to til all hours, and who i can run away with. there's more...but i would offer him the same. tired for tonight :)
it's 3am. taking my daddy out to breakfast at 8am.
i do want the relationship with him.
much like how i think in the future i'll give one more chance to only one more guy.
but only one more chance.
i never give my chances away easily unless they're stolen from me. and when they're stolen you can guarantee it will catch up.
a girl always has a reason for acting the way she does. i put up a cold front but once u reach past it, i will love. deeply.
my heart has bandaids all over it >_< i just want a hammie. sigh. all i want is a hammie.
^_^ *moOah* sorrie for the mellow-ish entry.
promise more happie ones.
with love
-becki
4/17/04
some of the best nights are jus spending it with my roomie all day :)
i like simple nights like these.
i crave that sometimes. simplicity. ^_^ it's a wonderful feeling to a girl who carries so many thoughts on her mind.
sometimes i just need a release from everything...from the world. from the pressures. from expectations and all of my cares. where i can cuddle up to my lion Aslan and feel so completely safe.
you can't trade these moments. or this feeling. haha i just like basking in it for awhile ^_^
who wants to climb trees with me? when i'm on the bus on the way to busch from college ave, i saw all of these climbable trees!! *i think* i just never have enough nerve to do so on my own...
there's a lot of things i want to do...i need a partner in crime ^_~ things i want to do before i graduate rutgers...
i want to hit up the golf course at rutgers in the middle of the night...and just lay...like a baked potato. puahahaha. i heard it's amazing b/c there are no trees around ^_^
i wanna climb those trees!!! ...without falling...err. without falling too hard. hahaha ;)
i wanna play with my food like how i used to at buffets...and build weird creatures with roasted peppers and peppercorn *huge grin*
all out snowball fight baby....forts and hostages haha...daayamn straight! u can take hostages!!
hide and go seek within the confines of alexander library...i still haven't explored it all yet...
i want to walk passion puddle late at night...and go fishing?? sit at the benches and talk all night...
i wanna walk the entire campus holding hands with the guy that's really meant for me past 3am...
pillow fight. with 10+ people. amazing.
read an entire book out in the sun from morning til night...
to see the breakdancing competitions at livingston cause it's soo cool!! spinny ppl ^_^
spend a day/night finding cool hiding places and secret spots at rutgers...& find my own special spot
manhunt. amazing game. i'd cry but it's amazing. hahaha...
haha...that's all i can think of right now ;) i just feel like there's so much more to do at rutgers...
a lot more than what i take out of it every day...
mm
i will ^_^
hahhaha for now i have to be more tame in my activities ^_^ my knees are swollen from volleyball...it's really ugly... >_< two inch diameter bruises...i can't wear shorts! hahaa..i might still wear shorts..i just don't want people to think i was abused -_- puahaha. i think my doctor might get mad at me :)
oOohh hahaha....yeaa i meant to explain what ITP was before you all go crazy on me and start looking it up ;)
...you already looked it up?
hahaha it's not serious...i don't think it is. ITP just means i bruise a lot & all the yuckie bloodynoses i used to have [hahaa i know ;) ] so it explains why my bruises are bigger than normal...but i'm still tough yo -_-
it's called idiopathic thrombocytopenic purpura...idiopathic is b/c they dont know what exactly is the reason for my low platelet counts. platelets are the cells in the blood that help blood clots, so basically i only have to worry if my platelet counts are low. normal platelet count is from 145000 to 400000. the 6 times they've taken my platelet count, it's been the low 100000's around...
my platelets look fine...but the doctor's only concern is that my body is producing enough platelets but i have some antibodies that are being produced that is attacking my platelets...
so iono :) i'm not contagious!! i'm not gonna die -_- hahaa...so you don't need to go looking it up ;)
i.love.you. please don't mind my ugly bruised knees haha...>_<
it's all good. maybe i'll look tougher so i can intimidate more of those guys and call'em wimps! hahaha....
i think then the perfect guy for me will be the guy who accepts my bruises ;)
and gets ones to match...hahaha j/p j/p
must sleep :) long day...
with love
-becki
4/13/04
whaa! i need to take better care in keeping in touch with people.
owe call to linda, <3 to angi & faith, chill with jen, eat with sylvia, study with helen, get in touch with christina, & e-mail anna, call sora.
i don't know how people do it.
*siGh* cause they are all peoples i love. imma make a running list.
it's so easy to get caught up in the college world and i know it goes both ways ^_^. jus know i love you. regardless.
wha! <--new favorite expression...haha.
as all of my friends seem to be getting boyfriends [that i haven't yet begun to interrogate!]
jus know you can call on me if he ever messes with you and i'll give him the beat down of his life -_-
muahaha....
am i intimidating yet? but i am trying to give space ^_^ as i am so happy that all my friends are happy and i think i semi approve of them. hahaa..
just keep safe? okay...i would protect all of you until the end but i think it's time i loosen it up ^_^ *siGh* i wonder if this is going to be the feeling when all my girl friends get married :) i just know all of you better have friggin amazing buffets at the banquet....
and hot single groomsmen....hahahhaa ^_~
okay less time contemplating on all of it. i love you!!!! even tho i don't say it every day & we're all horrible at keeping in touch...
i miss you all, get good grades -_- , & i will find you somewhere in the near future ^_^
with lots of love
-becki
4/11/04
so i was really scared when i saw how ITP may affect pregnancy.
i almost cried thinking my own body could harm my own child. i guess i'm scared...to the idea of losing my child.
i can't imagine how a mother must feel to have that happen...my heart drops.
haha...i guess it's also bad when i slide on my knees to get the volleyball during games. my knees are all bruised up and the doctor said i should try to stay away from getting bruised -_- silly doctor, how does he expect me to play games? ^_^
it's not serious...if it was i probably wouldn't be writing it in this journal. yea i'd be the jerk that if i was dying i wouldn't tell anyone ^_^ haha like my raynauds with my hands turning blue -_- i'm so amused with it.
but i have to say i feel relieved that all the blood tests are over although sometimes i have this feeling that the doctor isn't telling me everything...but i do feel better that i'm not just another hypochondriac.
the results of each test could have been a number of things...they tested me for a lot of different autoimmune diseases so it's funny that now they conclude it's idiopathic. [idiopathic means they don't know what's causing it] i also believe that God has put me on this earth for a longer time just because...i havent even yet begun what I should have accomplished by now. what's holding me back.
it may just be my own selfishness. to want to live a life for me...it's ironic. what i'm most pissed off at is the very thing i do. inside i'm so angry at my own selfishness i act out against it on other people.
my life is selfish. my whole damn life is selfish and if i die tomorrow i will have done nothing to contribute to the lives of others.
i want a big wake up call...so i can stop living foolishly. but i have a feeling God doesn't want to give me a wake up call with death. He's urging me to find my purpose before that. i'm so foolish.
tomorrow is a new day. to start over. to be renewed. i have to give up my pride, my anger, my hurt and cast those things aside.
my superficial worries and cares. my everything that I have not yet lifted up to Him.
...why am i so caught up with the world.
let me leave the baggage of this world behind. i am trying to learn that every day. with all the baggage carried in my hands, my hands feel too full to give. leaving the baggage behind my hands are open again. they are open.
i like this journal. it's private enough for me to write what i want without the entire world knowing. but open enough to confide in those who check up on me day to day. i love you. thank you for your patience. your kindness. your love. i am undeserving.
with love
-becki
4/8/04
fight or flight. i chose to fight this week.
sounds dangerous. haha i know.
i found all of these old journal entries in my e-mail as i was deleting e-mail so i could have more space....
hahaha...about my wanting a "ghetto boy" ^_~ summer before freshman year. so silly ^_^
[6/25/02
.a guy should kno when i like him when i'm shy around him..if i'm not
shy
around him and i talk a lot that means i dun...it's kinda
funnie..haha..]
haha. that's so true. i haven't changed much in two years. it's funny tho, all of the things i said before i got into a relationship and i end up repeating them. so i'm not really trying to define what kind of guy i want anymore, or imagine all the cute stories jus because.
i want it to catch me off guard. i think that's the only way a guy can get close to me too...catching me off guard b/c the minute i put it up again i'm too far to reach ^_^
but i like it that way. i mean shoOo...i can check out all the hot guys i want ^_~ i get so stupid every time i'm walking behind a cute guy...or beside a cute guy. *siGh* wheee.... haha i feel like such a lil kid.
nono i'm not makin this entry about boys :) except the scary guy in my macro class. he's so stupid. i was with jo takin her around and we take a bus to college ave. so this guy walks in and she says that he looks familiar...so he turns around and does a double take and starts making conversation with her. so i don't like him. i think he's sleazy.
so i'm sittin in macro cause bertina sat in macro on monday? and i was alone and he comes up to me and sits right next to me. [notice there are sometimes when you're very aware of your space?] so he's completely taking my papers one by one to look at them, asking what i'm studying and telling me my handwriting is ugly. i could usually care less if you take my papers, even criticize my handwriting but i don't like him!!!....he's so stupid! he's like that stupid asian guy in my english class who used to be really mean to me and take my pencils and call me names. -_-
i was so uncomfortable...DUN TAKE MY PAPERS. feh. i'll beat him next time. hahahahhaa.
no no cute guy stories lately :) oHhhh. wait one. the guy from the tennis center who was in my jujitsu class. so i saw him for the last time b/c that's the last time the tennis club meets and he comes up to talk to me [hahaa...i'm crushing :D] end story.
hahah I KNOW!!! :D err...end story. nothing cute...well him...but hahaha... hehehehe...i was just happie. his personality is really appealing to me...b/c he's not talking to me trying to impress me or say lines. he's just cute. and intelligent...betty said he was really intelligent...hahah no i'll never tell him! why do guys always tell me to tell the guy...
i think a lot of guys are cute ^_^ i'll never go out with them...i'm just good at observing -_- i'll comment if i think a girl is hot too and then everyone gives me funny looks -_- c'mon if i don't sound straight enough, i think it's only right after my 10 comments on guys that i can make one comment on a girl -_- hahaha i'm cursed with a talent! j/p j/p...
me agreeing to go out with a guy is me willing to let this guy hurt me as well. i'm not gonna just let anyone hurt me unless i can grow strong enough to beat him -_- haha...i can only say that b/c i'm weak...but i'm liftin iron! ohhh baby! watch out...
the process goes oh so slow....
sigh. this is becoming a guy entry. haha...i have bursts of guy entries. all these guys kept on coming back into my life the past two weeks which i think gives way to my wanting to fight. when i leave, i don't leave w/out reason. it means that i already closed the door to you in my life. guy friends. i just don't really depend on anyone anymore.
least of all them.
i guess this week i also grew really sad about friendships. to see all the effort you put into one...and sometimes i think it just gets tiring. to keep giving and everyone keeps taking. so sometimes i need to take a week off or two b/c i get to the point where i have nothing left to give. you give your time, your energy, your love, your care...and it's just taken away.
people are so damn selfish. tell me why i should give a damn about you.
so i guess i'm just tired. of not knowing who's real. the people who i used to look up to...there's still a lot of things i don't understand about people. about the world. but i am sick of people and their damn selfishness. it pisses me off.
ehh i don't really want to end on this note. it's more hurt than anger. a part of me just doesn't want to care anymore. the bigger part of me is fighting it. haha i guess it's the whole "i'm tired of being nice" complex. what can i say. it's like when i was little and these kids kept throwing toys at me and my brother from their window [i mentioned this before] so i picked up the toys and gave them back, and they kept throwing them again. my brother tried to stop me but i kept doing that b/c ...iono.
that was innocence. me being naive. stupidity.
that's what i feel like sometimes...does it make sense now?
time. give me time to be the bigger person in all of this and to catch myself before i start running again.
with love
-becki