04/29/01

Let me tell you. Time is precious. I'm sure you've heard it before, but it's true. You don't really appreciate it until you have a lack of it. Let me elaborate.
I was over at Adam's house, and we were... well hanging out I suppose. His mother was going to drive me home, which meant that I would have had at least another 50 minutes with him, but NO! My dad decided for no reason at all to make the trip out and get me. I suppose I could have just ignored it. After all, to follow some popular philosophy my sister uses, "If it won't matter in a year, forget it". I could have said "Fuck this, it's not as if I'll never see him again." But it was bad, because for some reason I almost started to cry when I went to leave, which wouldn't have been good considering I hate to cry. Then my dad made some remark about 30 minutes counting for a lot when you're in love. Bah! Parents. But it's true. Thinking back I realize that there are a lot of times when, not just with Adam but with certain relatives, I could have been trying to get along and making the most of the short time we have instead of being.. well, me, and now I regret it because I just don't have that time anymore. I want it back and I can't have it. So I'm telling you now, if there is someone that you love and spend a lot of time with, don't take it for granted that you see them every day. One day you might not see them at all.

05/14/01

What is it in human beings that keeps us from trusting? Why do we have such suspicions of other people? Why can we never be in peace but always worrying, always expecting the worst??? I am SO guilty of this. Oh yes. Remember those days when simply relying on the power of your unalloyed love and trust was enough? I go into a relationship - between friends or otherwise - harboring worry from past experiences. I try to love and for some reason it doesn't work; I'm either betrayed or ignored. It is good, healing even, to love someone and know that they love you back. I am lucky and I know it. But I know it's going to be hard for both of us to have complete faith in love. I worry so much. What if he gets bored of me? What if he finds someone else? What if... I wish I could go into this as innocent and trusting as I could when I was eight. The problem with that attitude is that I would be extremely emotionally fragile and be hurt so much easier. Caution is (unfortunately) very necessary in this world. We learn at a young age that sometimes there are mean people, selfish people, cruel people, dishonest people, and we learn to be leery. I wish it wasn't so. All I really know for sure is that I've never loved or trusted anyone like this.

5/16/01
When I was young I lived next door to a boy, let us call him "Dean". I was four and he was six; and for almost twelve years after that I was infatuated with him. Then around Valentines day of 2001 I realized that although we were still friends, I didn't want Dean like that anymore; we weren't even close anymore and I doubt he remembers all the details about our childhood that I do. Now recently Dean's name was brought up in a conversation. The theme of the conversation was something like this: when you couldn't have Dean, you just went on to the next one in line and sort of settled for the second-best, right? Wrong, dear friends and neighbors. Dean isn't the one I think of before I fall asleep, Dean isn't the one I dream about, in fact I barely think about Dean at all unless I see him or someone brings him up in a conversation. I moved on. I know we would never work out, and while I do sometimes wonder what might have happened between us, it is only out of sheer curiosity. I don't long to hear his voice, I don't want to touch him or kiss him, and even though he may come in a pretty package now, the attraction is gone. It's not like simply moving on to the next prey. Perhaps if I had dated Dean, found out that he wasn't right for me, gotten tired and simply left him and searched for another significant other, one could say that. It wasn't like that. If Dean were to come to me today and say "Aly, I've been secretly in love with you for twelve years, will you go out with me?" I would reject him because I have already found someone who I love and who I am confident loves me back. I've already found someone who knows me inside and out, someone I can trust, someone I can enjoy being with even if no words are spoken and we just sit together. Someone who makes me rush home from school and battle to keep the phone line free just so I can hear his voice, or else I'll begin to cry. I don't want to fall asleep with Dean. I wouldn't give that up for a thousand Deans. I don't care about Dean!!! Why would I pine for Dean when I've already found someone who is perfect for me?

It is like if you want a vacuum, and you go shopping and see two vacuums that you like. The first vacuum is easily accessible (ie lives next door), what you think of as your ideal, VERY shiny (aesthetically pleasing), and the one you think will be the best for you. However, when you buy the vacuum and spend a lot of time trying to get it to work, you find out it just won't assemble properly like it should. Now after you spent all that time trying to get it to work to no avail, are you going to sit around and stare at it and cry because it didn't work? NO you go and get the other vacuum. You discover that the other vacuum is trustworthy, easy to assemble and get along with, also very shiny, fits your everyday needs, and can get into those hard to reach places. Why would you spend so much time feeling bad that the first vacuum didn't work when you have this beautiful, perfect, functioning vacuum? In the same way, I forgot about Dean. I moved on and did not just go for the next in line. I didn't settle for second best, I just found better.

Now that this no longer has meaning, you can disregard it if you wish.

06/12/01
ARRRRRRRGH
A crap day. I am waiting for Friday... then I wait till NEXT Friday. Why am I waiting? Because school is slavery. That is all.
I [heart] you people.