NEW!!!! 2002 HOROSCOPES!!!!

This year is all about shedding old skin, starting anew and not caring about what anybody else thinks. This horoscope prepares you a year in advance so you can sidestep all those twists and turns, and come out on top.

Aries(March 21-April 19)
You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are quick tempered, impatient and scornful of advice. You are a prick.
Your fiery temper gets you in a little bit of trouble. A former girlfriend, your employer, and your mom all decide to take you on various TV talk shows, including Judge Judy. Watch what you say -- they don't edit this as much as you think!

Taurus(April 20-May 20)
You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bull-headed. You are nothing but a goddamn Communist.
You will be enticed into listening to french rap, and will develop and addiction to it. This is NOT HEALTHY. Neither is hiding in your room, sequestered from everyone you know, getting a nice tan from your monitor because all you do is DOWNLOAD SHIT OFF KAZAA.

Gemini(May 21-June 21)
You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are a bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard. Gemini are notorious for thriving on incest.
You want to become a revolutionary fashion designer and so start to design clothing made out of such durable materials as duct tape with cotton swabs for insulation. Then, because your innovations SUCK, you go bankrupt.

Cancer(June 22-July 22)
You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and won't be worth a shit.
You get yelled at for having a crappy crappy job. You can't feed your eight kids, your wife and your 55 year old brother who owns three properties but somehow still finds excuses to live with you. I suggest prostitution if you groove on the whole disease thing (or stripping, if you think you can move like THISSS!!! *wiggles hips frantically*).

Leo(July 23-August 22)
You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are pushy. Most Leo are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving bastards and kiss mirrors a lot.
You decide to accentuate your flashy wardrobe and buy some "ice" -- for those of you who are not 'with it", this means those big honking chunks of silver or gold positively encrusted with glittering diamongs that form either the shape of a letter (possibly your inital, but any random letter will do. You can pretend that it stands for something) or a dollar-sign. Your "ice" costs as much as a brand-new luxury vehicle. Everyone still hates you.

Virgo(August 23-September 22)
You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nit-picking is sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while screwing. Virgos make good bus drivers or pimps.

Libra(September 23-October 22)
You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If you are a male, your are probably queer. Chances for employment and monetary gain are excellent. Most Libra women are whores. All Librae die of venereal disease.
A small blonde child will break into your house and begin to turn on all your lamps, laughing hysterically. This is an OMEN. Make sure to have your bricks handy gentlemen.

Scorpio(October 23-November 21)
You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are a perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpio are murdered.
DAMNED PISCES. DAMNED DAMNED PISCES.

Sagittarius(November 22-December 21)
You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you have no talent. The majority of Sagittarii are drunks or pot heads. People laugh at you a lot because you are always getting fucked.
You really really really really really really really really really really really really have to pee.

Capricorn(December 22-January 19)
You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically a chickenshit. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. You should kill yourself. You are a snotty bitch to everyone. They all hate you. A redheaded boy named Jesus kicked you in the shins for calling him a 'damned hippy'. Well you'll get what's coming to you: someone is stealing your car right now (hint: it is Jesus).

Aquarius(January 20-February 18)
You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. On the other hand, you are inclined to be careless and impractical, causing you to make the same mistakes repeatedly. Everyone thinks you are a fucking jerk.
Shout "Whoopi runs the water show!" at the next person you see. Be prepared for a delicious spectacle of hilarity.

Pisces(February 19-March 20)
You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have minor influence over you friends and people resent you for flaunting you power. You lack confidence and are generally a coward. Pisces people screw small animals and pick their nose a lot.
You will piss your pants in the backyard as you get locked out of the house and try to wriggle throught the dining room window. However since you are coated in urine, you just howl at the moon until they take you away.

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