Chapter 30

 

“Kim please come down,” I heard Mum shout up the stairs.

 

I ignored her and instead sunk lower into the bean bag I was slumped down on.  I had been in my room for the past two days and nothing would ever ever convince me to come out ever again.  The only person I had seen was Mum, and only when she had brought me trays of food to keep me going, she had tried to stay and chat but I was having none of it, all I wanted was to be left alone.  I knew this wasn’t a very grownup attitude and considering year 11 was important I should probaably go into school but I really couldn’t face it, the thought of even stepping outside my bedroom door filled me with horror.

 

I looked around my bedroom.  The curtains were still pulled tight shut, yet it didn’t seem that dingy to me, I hadn’t seen daylight for days and so my eyes had adjusted perfectly to my new surroundings.  The room was covered in old plates, piles of clothes and clusters of tissues that I had cried into.   I had lost count of the number of hours I had cried for, every now and again for no reason at all I would collapse onto my bed, bury my head in my pillow and cry like I had never cried before, each time I did the hot tears rolled right down on to the sore red ring under my eyes, causing it to sting painfully.  It hurt so much to cry, yet still I carried on, it was like I couldn’t stop however much I wanted to.

 

“Kim” I heard my Mum’s voice boom up the stairs again, “there’s someone here to see you.”

 

I couldn’t even be bothered to answer her now, I wanted to yell down to her and tell her to make sure whoever it was just went away and left me alone, but I had lost my voice.  Not that it mattered, if I sat here quietly for long enough she’d send them away anyway.

 

My eyes scanned over the shelf of videos by my bed, I needed something to occupy my mind, otherwise I really was going to go mad, every second I was just thinking of Ben and everytime I did it made my insides ache painfully.  I had tried to listen to music, but everything seemed to remind me of him, so now I was going to try films instead.

 

“Kim!” Mum shouted again.

 

I ignored her, and then was shocked to hear footsteps coming up the stairs.

 

Great!

 

Oh well, may be a brief visit from Jemma or Rena would do me good, they had been plaguing me with text messages for days, and I hadn’t bothered to reply to one, I owed it to them to at least see them, I’d explain calmly that I didn’t feel able to talk, have a quick hug and then they could leave me alone again.

 

The door handle pushed down and the door moved slowly open.

 

I didn’t bother to turn around, everything just seemed like so much of an effort, I had created a little nest in my beanbag and I was happy just sitting as I was.

 

Someone came into the room and shut the door behind them.

 

I could hear footsteps coming slowly towards me and out of the corner of my eye I saw a pair of trainers.

 

Ben’s trainers.

 

My head shot up immediately, he was standing looking slowly around the room, a look of worry on his face.  I felt myself warm immediately, he looked so concerned about me, I very nearly smiled at him then, until I reminded myself that it was his fault I felt like this in the first place anyway. 

 

“What are you doing here?” I snapped.

 

“I wanted to check if you are OK, you haven’t been at school,” he answered.

 

“Well I’m not OK”

 

“I’m sorry,” he said awkwardly.

 

It wasn’t enough, sorry was never going to be enough, I was fed up of his sorries and false promises.

 

I turned myself away from him again and fixed me eyes onto the blank TV screen.

 

“You look awful,” he commented, moving round so he was standing in front of me.

 

I refused to look up at him, and instead kept my eyes straight ahead, fixed at his legs.  He bobbed down so that he was level with me.

 

“I really am sorry,” he repeated again, bringing his hand up to rest gently on my face.

 

The contact shocked me, my insides rocked unsteadily, bubbling up inside until I was crying again.  He smoothed the first tear away and I winced as his finger brushed against the sore bit of skin under my eyes.

 

“That hurts?” he asked gently.

 

I nodded.

 

He got up and left the room, returning a second later with a flannel in his hand, kneeling in front of me he began to wipe it gently under my eye, the cool water dabbing along the hot pain and soothing it slightly.

 

“Helps a bit?” he asked.

 

“Yeah,” I whispered. 

Why was I letting him help me like this? It was his fault I was in such a mess, no amount of wet flannels was going to change that.

 

“How could you do this to me?” I asked.

 

“I’m sorry,” he repeated.

 

“You’ve hurt me so much.”

 

“I know,” he said, “but I can make it better.”

 

“You can’t” I said sadly.

 

“Would it help if I explained?”

 

I shrugged my shoulders, prompting him to speak.

 

“I am going to sort the Kelly thing out, you just need to be patient.”

 

“I can’t”

 

“I need to wait for the moment to be right.”

 

“It will never be right Ben,” I argued, “you will always find some excuse not to do it.”

 

“I will do it,” he said, “and whatever happens you and I will always end up together.”

 

“How can I believe that?”

 

“Because I fell in love with you when I was 11 years old, and I knew then that we would be together.”

 

He took my hands in his and shifted his body forwards slightly so he was right up against the edge of the beanbag. 

 

“Kelly doesn’t matter, she will never get in the way of what is inevitable, you are my girl, you will always be my girl and we are going to be together until we are old.”

 

He leant in closer to me.

 

“Kim I love you.”

 

“You don’t,” I said back, “I know you don’t.”

 

“I do”

 

“You can’t, if you loved me you’d never treat me like this.”

 

“I will make it up to you,” he insisted.

 

His words were bouncing off me now, I wasn’t interested in his lies anymore, anything he said just seemed so false. 

 

I slumped myself right back down into the bean bag and shut my eyes.  That was it, I wasn’t listening to him anymore, I was just going to sit here and wait for him to leave.

 

“Kim I love you,” I heard him say again.

 

“Just leave,” I replied faintly.

 

I felt him stand up.

 

“I do love you,” he insisted again.

 

I didn’t say a word, and he didn’t leave, he just stood in front of me, confessing his love over and over again.  I didn’t open my eyes, afraid that if I did I would see him and forgive him.  All too often I had fallen for his charms and let him walk all over me again.

 

In one last ditch attempt, he knelt back down on the floor and brought his body up against mine so his fact was right next to mine.

 

“I love you,” he whispered right into my ear.

 

He lay still on top of me for a moment, as if wondering what to do next and then suddenly I felt his lips pressing gently against mine.

 

I wasn’t going to respond, and I couldn’t be bothered to tell him to go away, I was just going to sit here and let him get on with it until he got bored and went away.  His lips moved gently around mine, and then pulled away, I could still feel his breath tickling over them though, he was so close.  Moving my head upwards slightly I reached out for them, they were now resting against mine again, back where they belonged.  Keeping my eyes tight shut, I moved my mouth against his, loving the way we felt together. 

 

I could feel his hands slowly moving down my body, tugging at my pyjama bottoms and sliding them off and onto the floor.  His hands ran up and down my legs as we contined to kiss and I felt myself move so that he could sit comfortably on top of me.

 

Inbetween kisses he was telling me over and over how much he loved me and how beautiful I was.  It felt so good to hear him say it again, after so many of days of convincing myself how ugly and worthless I was, to feel needed again was filling my insides up with a warmth that was working wonders. 

 

As I heard him unzip his jeans I didn’t think muhc of it, I was on autopilot and there was no going back now, he wanted me and I suddenly found myself wanting him back, and that’s all there was to it.

 

I felt him pulling down his trousers and then move in closer.  Any minute now I would feel him and we would be having sex on the bean bag in my bedroom with my Mum just a stones throw away.  It was wrong, but kind of exciting at the same time.  I craved the feeling so much, wanted him to make me feel the way that he always used to.

 

Would it feel the way it used to though, could it ever be as wonderful as it was before?

 

I opened my eyes and looked at him, his hair was hanging over his face and he was panting heavily, suddenly I felt completely disgusted with myself, yet again I had let him talk his way back into my life.

 

I put my hands hard againt his chest and pushed him off.

 

“Get out,” I said calmly.

 

He quickly zipped up his trousers and tried to come towards me.

 

“I mean it,” I said firmly, “get out.”

 

He tried to protest, but suddenly finding a new source of strength I got to my feet and pushed him firmly until he was outside my bedroom door.

 

“We are over for good.”

 

“But I love you,” he said weakily.

 

“We are over,” I repeated, “nothing in this world is ever going to make me take you back.”

 

I slammed the door and glowing in my new found confidence I got up and started to pack my bag for school the next day.