Chapter 25

 

The little horse picked up speed, galloping faster and faster on the invisible road, shaking its pink tail as it went.  I sat watching it, snuggled up in the soft folds of the cloud, each time it went past I smiled to myself, it was beautiful and I was lucky I was in such a good spot to see it.  Pulling the binoculars out of my handbag I pressed them to my face, leaning forward to get an even better look at the flying horse.  At that moment a sudden gust of wind rushed up behind me and to my surprise I fell, toppling out of the safety and comfort of the sky, the ground below getting closer and closer with every second.

 

Thud.

 

Opening my eyes I gingerly looked around, I was on the bedroom floor.

 

I glanced upwards, expecting to see the pink horse in the air above me, but there was nothing. 

 

It took a moment to gather my senses and realise that there are no such thing as pink horses, it was in fact a Thursday morning and I should probably get ready for school.

 

It had been a lovely dream, the kind that you never want to leave, and seems so real when you wake up the harsh reality of life really affects you.

 

It wasn’t very often I got amazing dreams like that, most of the time I wouldn’t remember them, or if I did they would be nightmares that you’d really want to forget, occasionally they were really funny, like the time I had dreamt that Take That were gardeners working in the grounds of my school, but it was hardly ever that I got a beautiful dream.  Something must have brought it on.

 

I moved over towards my wardrobe and began to pull my uniform out.  Taking off my vest top I quickly slipped my shirt on and did my tie up before the cool spring air hit my naked skin.  Taking off my shorts I put my black skirt on, before looking out of the window to see if it looked warm enough to be going tight less yet.  I decided that maybe it was and so slipped my shoes on and sat down in front of the mirror.

 

I looked different I decided as I brushed my hair.  I couldn’t put my finger on what it was about me, but everything just seemed different, I had a silly grin on my face and everything around me felt so surreal.  I carried on brushing my hair, only stopping when all the knots were out and it was hanging in glossy tendrils around my shoulders.  Opening up my makeup bag I began to launch into my usual routine.

 

It wasn’t until I had got downstairs and started chewing on my breakfast that it hit me.

 

Last night I had slept with Ben again, and this time it had been amazing.  How could I have forgotten about the best feeling I had ever had in the world?  My smile got wider as I remember exactly how it had felt, and how wonderful Ben had been.  Was it possible that I loved him even more this morning?

 

I doubt it got much better than that, maybe I would spend the rest of my life being disappointed by sex, because there was no way that anything was ever going to beat that.  He had been so gentle, so kind, showing me things about myself that I had never realised before, he had given me a rush of confidence and made me fully relax.  He had known I was scared and he had been so careful with me.

 

Careful.

 

The word suddenly hit me, plucked out of my thoughts and swimming in the air around me, segregated from everything else.  And the more I thought about it, the more my whole being shook with worry.  I swallowed hard, trying to force the bran flakes down my throat, but instead managing to make myself choke.

 

We hadn’t been careful.

 

He hadn’t used anything.

 

We had done it completely unprotected.

 

All those sex educations I’d had over the years, all the times my Mum had given me those cringe worthy talks about the birds and bees, all the times I had glared at her and told her that I wasn’t stupid, that I wasn’t some little slapper who would get herself in trouble, I was a good girl, and good girls didn’t get pregnant. 

 

How wrong I’d been. 

 

Suddenly I felt awful.

 

All those people I’d judged over the years.  We had all bitched about Carly Wiliams last year when she had quit school at the age of 15 to have a baby.  We’d all said that she was just a tart who truly deserved everything she had got, but now I realised that she wasn’t – she was a girl just like me, a girl who had taken things too far and had made one stupid mistake that changed her life forever.  I was no better than Carly Williams – we were the same person, she was my equal … and I now realised that no matter who you are and what you do you are just as vulnerable as anyone else.

 

My first reaction was to run over to Ben, hold him tight and tell him all my troubles until he had made it all better.  But this wasn’t some petty little thing that he could magic way, this was something I had to deal with myself, and I knew what I had to do.

 

Picking up my coat, I slipped out of the door and down to the bus stop.

 

I was sure that everyone knew exactly what I was up to.   It felt like they were all pointing at each other, smirking at me, and telling their friends that little goody goody Kim had got herself up the duff. 

 

I turned away from everyone, burying my face in my science book, pretending to be revising, yet really trying desperately hard to blink back the tears.

 

Oh mi god! My exams!  How was I going to do them if I was pregnant, and then what did it matter anyway! Teenage mums can’t have careers, they are too busy getting kicked out of home and having to live in grotty little flats, clothing their babies on hand me downs. 

 

By the time the bus turned up I was in a right state, I had imagined myself into several horrifying baby situations and each one seemed worse than the previous.

I was relieved when we finally got to Wroxham, at least now I could seal my fate one way or another.

 

I waited until everyone else had got off the bus before cautiously creeping down the steps, across the playground and out of the main gates.

 

I hid in a bush down the road, rolled up in a tight ball underneath the leaves, hoping that no one would find me.  I didn’t want to move too early in case one of the parents saw me walking down the road.

 

I glanced at my watch – 9.30 am, registration would be starting, maybe now would be a good time to move.

 

I moved silently out of my hiding space and began the walk down to the main town.  If the situation around the whole thing hadn’t been so frightening I may have even found this funny.  Kimberly White, one of the best behaved girls in the whole school

was skiving!

 

I headed straight for the health clinic on the other side of town – knowing that not many people I knew would use it however I still found myself glancing around nervously as I crept into the building.

 

The walls were adorned with leaflets and posters – ironically most of them promoting safe sex.

 

I felt so nervous as I got showed into a little room to “speak to someone in confidence” … somehow this didn’t seem very appealing, but I knew it had to be done.

 

“Can I help you?” a middle aged woman asked me from behind the little desk.

 

She looked about the same age as my Mum, she probably had a daughter the same age as me, she was going to be so shocked when I told her.

 

“I …” I started, my voice coming out in little chokes.

 

“Take nice deep breaths,” the woman gave me a small smile of encouragement.

 

“I need the morning after pill,” I burst out.

 

I let out a huge gush of air – there I had finally said it.

 

Half an hour later I was released – utterly embarrassed and ashamed of myself, I had had a severe ticking off and a huge lecture on practicing safe sex, I knew I deserved it, but it didn’t stop me feeling upset.  The only thing I had got out of the experience was a satisfaction that at least I wasn’t pregnant and a bag full of strawberry condoms.  Not that I was going to use them, I was never going to do it ever ever again, I obviously want old enough for a responsibility.

 

By the time I got back to school it was first break, I had missed two whole periods of lessons, but now I had only one thing on my mind – Ben, I had to find him and I had to call it all off.

 

I found him eventually, stood behind the bike sheds smoking with some of his friends.  I no longer cared who saw me going to speak to him, none of that really seemed to matter any more. 

 

I marched straight in, and tapped him on the arm.

 

He looked surprised to see me, but followed me as I lead him to a far corner of the field so we could talk in peace.

 

“You OK?” he asked, realising immediately that something was up.

 

“Not really,” I replied, refusing to look at him, and instead looking at a very interesting blade of grass that was being squashed at a funny angle by my shoe.

 

“What’s up?” he asked and touched my arm gently.

 

The second he made contact with me, I shuddered all over, and I wished immediately that I had stood further away from him, I knew that things would now be harder.

 

“Last night,” I forced myself to reply.

 

“I didn’t hurt you did I?” he asked worryingly, “I’m sorry I should have checked you were OK before you went, but I panicked when Mum came home and so…”

 

“Ben,” I said gently, “I’m fine, it was amazing and I had a lovely time.”

 

“What’s the problem then?”

 

“We cant do it ever again.”

 

“Why?” he asked and for the first time I looked up at his face, and he looked truly hurt.

 

“It’s all wrong.”

 

“Didn’t feel wrong to me,” he replied.

 

“I’m too young for all this.”

 

“You’re never too young to fall in love,” Ben said firmly, “you do love me don’t you?”

 

I nodded my head, “but we have to finish?”

 

“Why?”

 

“Because things keep going wrong.”

 

“Like?” he prompted

 

“You’re embarrassed to be seen with me.”

 

“I’m talking to you now aren’t I?” he asked indignantly

 

“OK, but other stuff too,” I said

 

“Like?” he repeated.

 

“Unprotected sex.”

 

“What?” he asked in confusion.

 

“I’ve just been to the health clinic,” I confessed, “I was so worried I was pregnant and I don’t want to ever go through that again.”

 

“Because we had unprotected sex?” he said, a puzzled look on his face.

 

“Yep”

 

“Kim, I used a condom,” he said gently, “of course I did, I would never have done it without one.”

 

The colour drained from my face, I could feel all the warmth run away from it until I was left standing there pale and shaking.

 

“What?” I finally uttered.

 

“I had a condom on.”

 

“You can’t have done,” I replied, completely confused, “I would have felt it.”

 

“I assure you I did,” he said seriously.”

 

Now I just felt stupid – really really stupid.  I was so naive and inexperienced I didn’t have a clue what I was doing.

 

“I feel so embarrassed,” I said quietly, turning my back on him.

 

He gently put his hands on my shoulders and pulled me back round.

 

“Don’t be daft, it was just a misunderstanding.”

 

“One that a normal person never would have made,” I said bitterly, “I’m so innocent, I don’t know anything about anything.”

 

“I like you like that,” he whispered, “its lovely.”

 

“I’m stupid”

 

“No, your inexperienced, and there’s nothing wrong with that,” he told me gently, wrapping his arms around my waist.

 

“I still feel like an idiot,” I insisted

 

“Well don’t, anyway, I like showing you how to do things,” and his whole face lit up in a cheeky grin.

 

I swatted him on the arm.

 

“We don’t have to do anything else if you don’t want to,” he told me, “but I promise that I’m never going to let anything happen to you, and you are perfectly safe.”

 

“I know,” I said calmly, and I hugged him tightly back – not letting go until the bell had gone for lessons.