Chapter 22

 

I took a deep breath as I stood on the doorstep, hand poised, ready to knock.

 

This was going to be hard, what on earth was I going to say? And how was I going to explain myself?

 

Things had seemed so simple when I’d been with Ben a few moments ago, I was so carried away in the situation it had felt rather like I was invincible.  But now I was just worried, worried that maybe Ben didn’t love me as much as he said he did, and worried that I was about to make the biggest mistake of my life.

 

Simon opened the door a split second after I’d knocked, his face becoming worried as he clamped eyes on my pale face.

 

“Oh mi god, are you OK?” he asked, quickly throwing his arms around me.

 

I didn’t return the hug, instead stepping in the door and closing it behind me.

 

“Can we go upstairs?”

 

He lead me up there in silence and we both sat down on the bed.

 

“I’ve been so worried about you,” he said, “did you feel really ill?”

 

I avoided the question, too busy trying to calm down the nerves that were bubbling up inside me.

 

I felt as guilty as hell.  It was obvious he cared about me so much, he looked so worried about me and I knew that I was about to only make his misery worse.

 

“Kim you OK?”

 

I still didn’t reply and so he just carried on talking.

 

“If you feel bad you didn’t need to come over you know, and we definitely don’t have to do what we planned.”

 

I’d almost forgotten about that! Tonight we had planned to lose our virginity to each other, yet now I had nothing to loose.  How was I going to tell him that?

 

“May be you should just go home,” he continued, “we can talk when you feel a bit better.”

 

“No we need to talk now,” I said, wanting to get it over with.

 

“Is something up?” he asked, detecting the hint of urgency in my voice.

 

“Kind of.”

 

“Has something happened?  Are you hurt?”

 

Why did he have to be so damn sweet all the time?  Why couldn’t he just be a complete bastard, it would make things so much easier.

 

“Stop being so nice,” I said suddenly, thinking out loud.

 

“What?” he asked in confusion.

 

“You’re making this so hard.”

 

“Making what hard?”

 

“Just be quiet and listen.” I said a little more forcefully.

 

He was looking hurt already, his shoulders had slumped a bit and his face was shocked, almost as if I’d turned round and actually slapped him.  I was a bitch! Oh my god, I was turning into a complete cow – the kind of girl that sleeps around and hurts people’s feelings on purpose.  I didn’t want to be that kind of person.  I felt tears start to well up in my eyes and before I could stop them they were trickling down my face.

 

“I’m so sorry,” I said, openly sobbing.

 

“Hey, its OK,” he soothed, coming closer towards me and wrapping his arms around my neck, “whatever’s happened we can sort it out together.”

 

“We cant,” I said, “I’ve done something.”

 

“What?”

 

“I’m so sorry,” I snivelled as a fresh flood of tears escaped.

 

“Kim, what’s up?”

 

“I just slept with Ben,” I blurted out.

 

I looked up at his face, he looked completely stunned.  He had taken his arms away from me and instead had them sat on his lap, his fingers winding round and round each other.

 

“When?” he whispered.

 

“Just now.”

 

“How could you? He asked, “we were going to do it tonight, it was going to be special.”

 

“I’m sorry,” I repeated, reaching out for his hand.

 

“You’re sorry?” he asked.

 

“Yes, really really sorry,” I confirmed.

 

“OK, may be we can work through this.”

 

The guy was unbelievable, I’d just told him that I’d slept with the bloke he hates most in the world and here he was ready to forgive me and carry on.

 

“We can’t” I said firmly, “we have to finish.”

 

“What?”

 

“We can’t be together anymore.”

 

He started rocking gently, and I could hear him taking in deep breaths of air.

 

“I love Ben,” I said, hoping so much that the words weren’t about to tip him over the edge.

 

“You don’t love me?” he asked.

 

“Not like that no,”

 

“But you said you did,” Simon argued, “earlier on this evening in the pub you said you loved me.”

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

“I knew there was something going on.” He said miserably, not even attempting to hide the tears that were now rolling freely down his face.

 

“There wasn’t anything going on, I didn’t realise I felt this way until tonight.”

 

“Get out!” he spat out suddenly.

 

His face was red now, and he had stood up, his fists clenched in anger.

 

“Get out!” he said again.

 

“Simon please, let’s talk about this,” I replied, “we have to remain friends.”

 

“I don’t want to be your friend, I want nothing more to do with you.”

 

“But we’ve been friends for years,” I cried, “we are best friends, I cant lose you.”

 

“GET OUT!” he screamed so loudly I was worried that someone might hear, picking up my stuff I ran quickly down the stairs and out of the door.

 

I could hardly see where I was going as I ran up the pavement, the tears from my eyes making my vision all blurry.

 

He hated me.

 

He truly truly hated me and I couldn’t bear that.  He was my friend, we had known each other since we were tiny and now he wanted nothing more to do with me.  I had thrown away everything for Ben, and I wasn’t even sure that Ben wanted me.  What if he was still just playing games with me?

 

I shut my eyes as I ran, trying to keep the hot tears inside my eyes rather than letting them drop down my sore face.

 

I ran and ran until eventually I hit something solid.  A pair of arms wrapped around me.

 

“Shhhhhhhh,” a voice soothed, “don’t worry I’m here.”

 

I opened my eyes up and saw that my head was resting in a black shirt.

 

“Ben?”

 

“Who else was it going to be?” he asked.

 

“Dunno,” I replied.

 

“You OK babe?” he asked me gently.

 

“No”

 

I started to cry again and felt him begin to gently stroke my hair.

 

“Everything is going to be OK,” he soothed, rocking me gently from side to side, “I’m going to look after you.”

 

And as my tears shuddered to an almost halt I felt a little glimmer of hope. 

 

At least I still had Ben.

 

As long as I had Ben everything would be fine.