Chapter 1

How do you mend a broken heart? When after all you have been living for in the first place is gone. It was no one's fault, so there is no one to blame. I'm trying to be strong even though it's been a year since the accident. The group leader tells me to take my time. First off introduce yourself she says. Okay, my name is Kimberly and I work for the Orlando tribune as a newspaper reporter and freelance photographer. My husband Tim and 2-year-old daughter Christina were killed in a freak car accident. No other vehicles were involved. It was a rainy day and the roads were slick… I try to control my emotions. My husband lost control of the car and it flipped over into a ditch where they died of their injuries. I was sent to the scene to report on it. Never in my wildest dreams, did I ever expect to find my family being pulled from the upside down car. Well, that's a lot to handle for such a young girl. How old are you, asks the leader? I'm 23, I tell the group who are all in tears. She asks me why I'm here today? I'm here because I've attempted suicide twice and I want to live, but my last sight of them blurs their memories. I need to learn how to cope with all of this. Should it still be this hard after a year? Unfortunately, yes it will be difficult for some time says the leader. I've tried one on one counseling and I just didn't feel the therapist was compassionate enough and so you all are my last hope. I could see a lot of nodding heads agreeing with me. I listened to another man tell his story of losing his fiancee in an accident. It was one week before they were to get married. She was out picking up her wedding dress and picking up last minute things for the wedding. When she didn't come home he got worried. He started calling around to her friends and family and then call waiting interrupted him, it was the Orlando Police Department telling him of her accident. He was still very distraught. I would have thought it had just happened yesterday. He said to this day that he does not have call waiting. He said this was 14 months ago. The leader asked Nick what's his life been like since the loss of his fiancee? He said like Kimberly, I tried the suicide way out, but my family and friends rallied around me and told me that my death would no way avenge hers. It would only cause more pain and suffering. Where and when would it all end? I found myself shedding tears for someone other than myself. I was nodding at his words of wisdom. I was going to like it here. The holidays were approaching and it would be the second Christmas without my husband and daughter. I was not looking forward to another lonely holiday. Everyone was agreeing with me. The leader asked how I spent the last holiday? I said since the accident happened 3 days before Christmas, I was not in my right mind. I went home and threw the tree out onto the front lawn. I never opened the gifts from my husband and child. They still sit in the bottom of my closet. The gifts I bought for my family were all donated to charity and I stayed in bed until February. They didn't laugh because they knew it was true. They couldn't imagine losing my family at Christmas. My daughter would have turned 3 on January 28 so that's why I stayed in bed until February. I've just recently gone back to work. I'm not sent on any emergency calls anymore. At least not car accidents. Every time I see a car accident I well up with tears. Even though they are already dead, it's like I see them being pulled from the wreckage all over again. We've just about run out of time for today's session, but we still have to plan our Christmas party. I have a sign up sheet and I'll need everyone to bring something. I lowered my head and the counselor put her hand on my shoulder and said, I need everyone to sign up for the potluck. It wouldn't be anything fancy, we'd meet next week for our session and stay a little longer and have a meal together. Is there anyone here who feels they can't do that? No one raised his or her hand, good she said then until next week. Everyone stood and stretched and then signed up for something to bring next week. I signed up to bring Christmas Cookies. It was something I'd done with my daughter and haven't done since. So I signed up with mixed emotions. I headed out to my car and found myself overcome with emotion again. I climbed into my suburban and headed for home. I called my mother and told her I made it through one session. She was happy for me, but very emotional. She asked if I needed company? I said I didn't want to be alone, I'm so afraid to go to sleep after talking about Tim and Christina tonight. She said she was on her way. I hung up the phone and made some coffee. Mom couldn't stay long unless she had her coffee. When she walked in I was just about to lose myself in my grief again. She sat down on the couch next to me and held me. We didn't say a word for 2 hours, she just held me while I cried. Mom started getting fidgety and I finally said to her, I made coffee. She asked if I'd be all right for a minute? I said I'd be fine. She went and poured her the largest cup of coffee I'd ever seen. She had my thermos mug. She made me laugh and then my laughter turned to tears. She promised me that I would be all right. She said she just knew that someday I'd find myself another Tim. She knew I wanted Tim and Christina back, and that there was no replacing them, but she said she longed to see me smile and be happy again. She told me she loved me and then helped me up and put me to bed. She slept beside me for the next two nights as my nightmares were back.

Chapter 2

After three days I assured my mom I was all right and that she could go back home to dad. I invited her back on Wednesday to help me bake cookies for my session that night. I said I'm just not sure why I signed up to bring them, but I don't think I can do it alone. She smiled and rubbed my face and said she'd be back about 2 p.m. on Wednesday. I kissed her and thanked her for staying with me. She said she loved me and would do anything to make me better. I waved as she headed down the street towards her home. Dad called and I told him I was better now. He still got emotional every time he sees me or talks to me. He was the one who found me after the first suicide attempt with pills. Not a week later I tried again and he found me then too. He made me promise never to do it again, he said he almost had a heart attack the second time he found me. He wasn't kidding either. I promised never to do it again. I told him I loved him then he said mom was here. He said he loved me too, and if I ever needed him… I said dad I will always need you. We hung up and I cleaned my house. It's been something I do compulsively since the accident. Nothing is ever clean enough. My counselor called to check up on me and I filled her in on my week thus far. She was very sorry to hear that my nightmares had come back after the session. She said that I could always call her and also lean on people in the group. Lots of them go for coffee afterwards and hash out feelings too. You might want to try that. I said I'd think about it. She asked if I minded sharing my experience with the group members? I said why? She said it helps you build trust with those in your group. They become like a support group for you. I said okay, that's fine. She said you'll probably receive some phone calls today, is that going to be all right? I said it would be fine, my mother had left and I was alone anyway. She reminded me that I was not alone. I apologized, then she told me not to apologize. Okay, let them call I said, I'm here. She was right, my phone didn't stop ringing all day. I was invited to coffee after the next session and I agreed to go. I listened to these people and there stories and they asked me about my loss. After a year no one in my circle of friends had ever asked me how I was feeling. It was always poor Kim, lets not talk about them and upset her. They always treated me like they never existed. Like there was never a marriage and a child. That I even had a life before now. They all understood my story and my pain, I was learning to do some new things through this group. I was learning to talk about Tim and Christina by name, and I was also beginning to laugh again without feeling guilty. On Wednesday afternoon mom and dad came over and we baked cookies. I was actually feeling good for the first time in a very long time. I filled them both in on my new experience and told them both I was looking forward to tonight's session. Dad was emotional, mom too for that matter, but dad loved that there was a new spark of fire in my eyes. We finished the cookies and I went into work for a few hours before the session. I walked into the session with a bounce in my step. Something I hadn't felt in a long time. I walked in and greeted everyone with a smile and a hug. My counselor said well Kim, since you seem the most ready to speak we'll hear from you first. I smiled and said well, as most of you know, I said with a huge smile on my face. The last session did me in pretty good. There was some chuckles. I had my mom spend a few nights at my home and then Debbie, the counselor called and soon after all of you called. I must say the week was a good one after your calls. The nightmares are gone again, I'm looking forward to going out for coffee, I made the Christmas Cookies. It was like I was drugged. I said I almost feel bad for feeling this good. They all clapped and smiled at me. I had made the first step, even though I didn't realize it. I didn't "feel" bad. I didn't feel "guilty" for feeling good. I was happy for a change. How long it would last I don't know. I let the others talk and after that we sat down and had a potluck dinner. Nick led us all in prayer and then we ate. I exchanged my phone number with some of the others and we agreed to talk during the week. Saturday was the 1st anniversary of my loss so everyone was coming to my house. I told them it wasn't necessary, but they insisted. They told me not to cook or do anything special, it was their way of helping me get through the day. I told them I was planning on going out to the cemetery that day. Nick said go in the morning and be back by noon. I looked at him and said why? He said we'll be there at noon and without you what's the point? I said by why go in the morning? He said that would give them the entire day to cheer me up, it's going to be very hard leaving the cemetery. I can assure you of that. He also said don't go alone. I told him my parents were coming with me. We all headed out for coffee and talked about anything but our losses. We talked out jobs and children and in laws. Everything, they made me forget all about my loss. I hadn't felt this good in a long time. I said well this has been fun, but I must go I have to work tomorrow. Nick walked me out to my car and told me he'd see me Saturday. I felt strange talking to him alone. Not that I had a reason too, but not since Tim have I had a conversation with a man other than my immediate family. I got in and waved good bye. When I got home I called my mom and she said she'd be right over. I said you don't need to mom.

Chapter 3

I told her I loved her so much and I really appreciated everything she's done for me. She said she loved me and there isn't anything she wouldn't do for me. I told her I'd see her Saturday morning. Her voice started to crack, and I told her it was all right now. She wanted me to come home with her after the cemetery on Saturday but I told her I couldn't. I had guests coming and she was welcome to stay and meet my new friends. She said she would love to meet the people who gave her daughter back her spirit. I love you mom, she said she loved me too. I went to bed and for the first time in a year, I remembered some of the happy times with Tim and Christina. I remembered Christina's first steps and her first words. I remembered Tim's face when she was born, all of the happy times. I woke up feeling good but a little guilty that I was feeling so good. I cleaned my house and tried to get ready for Saturday. I went into work and my desk mate noticed a difference in my demeanor. I said this group that I've joined for grieving families, there is something about these people they really understand what I'm going through. It's like we grieve together and the pain doesn't seem so deep. She was glad to see I was feeling better. I worked on a few stories and went to lunch with Dana, my desk mate, and then went home. Thursday night was a great TV night for me, I didn't mind staying home on Thursday's. Around 7:30 p.m. Nick called to check up on me. I told him I was fine but he didn't sound really good. He said he had run into his fiancee's sister today and it opened some deep wounds for him. I asked if he wanted to talk about it? He said he really would like to talk to someone. I said he could come over I had just popped some popcorn and was getting ready to watch TV. He asked if I minded? No of course not, come on over, it would be nice to have some company. I popped some more popcorn and cleaned up a little more and Nick rang my doorbell around 8:10 p.m. I invited him in and offered him something to drink. We sat in the living room and I listened to him talked about Marianne. He loved her deeply. She was his first love and they'd known each other for about 3 years. They had planned a wedding around his birthday, which was the same day Christina was born, but then the accident…. His voice trailed off and began to break. I got up and got some tissues and he thanked me for them. I said I don't know what to say to ease your pain, if I had the words I suppose I wouldn't feel the way I do. All I can offer you is my friendship and someone to lean on. I hope that is enough. He said it was. I offered him some popcorn and I turned up the television. I said I love Frasier, he is so funny. We watched Frasier, and Just Shoot Me, and then ER. After ER Nick said he'd better be going. I walked him out to his vehicle and asked if he would be all right? He said someday he'd be all right, it was just taking longer than he thought. I reminded him it had only been a year. I gave him a hug and he left. I went inside and cleaned up the popcorn and soda cans. I dust busted around the coffee table and then took a shower and went to bed. Friday was always a busy day for me. I had the early shift at work so getting up on Friday mornings was always a chore. Unfortunately this Friday was different from the rest. I was reminded that tomorrow was the first anniversary of my loss in everything I did. I woke up remembering the sight of my baby being pulled lifeless from the back seat of our car. Then seeing my husband's lifeless body dragged from the driver's seat. I woke up shaking and cold. I wrapped up in Tim's robe it's the one thing of his I just couldn't get rid of. I still think I can smell him, but I know it's just my imagination. I got dressed and found one of Christina's toys stuffed in the back of my closet and then I saw the Christmas gifts my family gave me last year. I sat on the floor and just held them and cried. I made my coffee and called in sick to work. I sat on the sofa drinking coffee and looking through my photo albums. I called my mom but she wasn't home. I left a message for her and told her to call me when she could. I called my counselor and talked to her for a few minutes. I'm not doing well and I feel that tomorrow I'm really going to lose it. She promised we'd all be with me and they'd help me get through it. I told her I was afraid to face the day. She asked if I was alone? Yes, my mom's not home yet. I think she's Christmas shopping. She asked if I felt suicidal? I said no, just very lonely. She said she'd make a few calls and get back to me. I thanked her and hung up and cried. I'm so alone with no one. How will I get through this holiday season, never mind the anniversary of my family's death? About 20 minutes later my counselor called to tell me that Nick would be stopping by. Nick? Why is he coming by? I asked. She said you helped him get through last night and he feels a little responsible for you feeling bad today. I told her it wasn't his fault. She said she knew that, but he offered so he would be there soon. I thanked her and hung up. I got dressed and fixed up my hair and put on some make up. I straightened up my living room and washed out my coffee cup. I decided to wash my kitchen floor. About an hour later my doorbell rang. It was Nick, he asked how I was feeling? I hung onto him and just cried in his arms. He walked me into the house and closed the door. I just held onto him. I said it's like it's happening all over again. All he could say was, I know, I know.

Chapter 4

I finally let him go and apologized for crying on him like a baby. He said it was all right and I could cry on his shoulder anytime. I smiled and offered him a seat. Can I get you a drink? He said scotch would be nice, but he was just kidding. He said it's a hell of a world we live in isn't it? I just nodded. I got up and brought back two Pepsi's. He said so what's making you feel so bad? Last night you seemed all right. I said I guess I feel like something bad is going to happen tomorrow. Even though I know it's all ready happened. He said he felt the same way on Marianne's anniversary. He said once I got passed tomorrow that I'd feel better. I said I don't know if I will ever feel better. He said let's get out of here. I said what? He said let's go down to the pier. It will do us both some good to get outside. I smiled and said I'd be right back. I went down to my bedroom and got my socks and shoes. I put them on and when I walked back into the living room Nick was holding the last family picture taken of Tim, Christina, and I. He wiped away a tear as I entered. I took the picture from him and said this was my husband and child. He said, I'm so sorry, it's such a shame. God, you're daughter was so beautiful. I thanked him, I told him I missed getting compliments about her. He said he knows how I feel. He laughed and said how tall was you husband? I said 6'5. He laughed because I was only 5'4. I said I know, I know. He asked if I was ready? Sure, let's go. He helped me into his Durango and we headed down to the pier. It was pretty deserted and very cold. We walked around and sat and eventually watched the sunset. We spent most of the day lost in our own thoughts. We really didn't communicate much at all, but we leaned on each other and that spoke volumes. Nick took me to dinner and then he took me home. My parents were waiting inside and when I walked in with Nick they were relieved. I said I'm sorry mom I forgot to call you back. Dad was teary eyed and I hugged him. I introduced Nick to them both and then Nick said he had to go, but he'd see me tomorrow. I walked him out to his vehicle and hugged him, I thanked him for today and said I was feeling much better. He said he was too. I waved as he drove down the street and went inside. Mom asked what I'd been doing all day? I said well after I left a message for you, I called my counselor. She called Nick and Nick came over and after I talked things out with him, he suggested I get out of the house so he took me down to the pier. She said he was a nice young man. I said he lost his fiancee 14 months ago. He's still hurting too and we lean on each other. She said he's coming back tomorrow? I said he's in my group, they will all be here tomorrow. She said should we cook something for them? I said no, they're bringing food. She said well daddy and I are spending the night, we don't want you to be alone. I thanked her for thinking about me. I reminded her that she could have called my cellular phone. She smiled and said she forgot. I gave them my bed and slept on the fold out sofa. It's pretty comfortable and I slept fine. The next morning I woke to the sweet smell of coffee. Mom I called out. She came running in. She asked if I was all right? I'm fine mom, I just need you to hold me. She sat down on the sofa and I asked her if she knew how much I loved her? She let her emotions get the best of her and said she knew. Is dad still sleeping, I asked her? She said he was out getting a newspaper. I got up and headed for the shower. Today was the one-year anniversary of the passing of my husband and daughter. Just the thought brought tears to my eyes. I hopped in the shower and cried like a baby. I didn't want my parents to be concerned. I knew they would anyway. Dad returned with a newspaper and flowers for the gravesite. I thanked dad for that. He got a stuffed animal for Christina. Even in death he still bought things for her. She was their only grandchild. I ate some toast and drank some coffee and read the paper with my dad until my mom was ready. Mom is the type of woman who has to have every hair in place and make up on at all times. She's a beautiful woman though. Finally at 10:00 a.m. we climbed into daddy's car and drove to the cemetery. As we drove through the gates I started to panic. I'm not sure I can do this I told my father. He pulled over and mom sat in back with me. She held me and said let's go see your husband and daughter, okay? After a few minutes I said I was ready. We headed up to the site and walked slowly to the head stone. We had a special head stone for them. It's called a singing rock. The headstone comes to a steeple like point and is hollow inside. There are holes in each side and when the wind blows the air funnels through and it sounds like music. We loved music in our house and when I heard of this I had to have it. We heard the wind making music and I dropped to the ground. The pain cut like a knife as I read their names in engraved forever in the granite.

Chapter 5

I lay on the cold hard ground and wept for my family. Why am I here without them I screamed? It was more than my parents could bare. I kept screaming I want to die, I want to die! Now they were both weeping openly and there sobs were mixed with mine now. There is no reason for them to be here I said. There is no reason. I hadn't even noticed but my parents were both lying next to me. Dad had put the stuffed animal and flowers against the headstone. I was lying on my flowers, I had forgotten all about them. I tried to get up but I couldn't. My heart was breaking, again. I hadn't realized it would be this hard. It was almost like losing them again. I lay on their graves for an hour. My parents tried to get me to get up. I couldn't, I wouldn't get up. Mom reminded me that my friends were back at the house now. We really shouldn't keep them waiting. I told them to go, I didn't want to be with anyone right now. I just wanted to be left alone. Mom drove back to the house to get help as dad was tired and I was putting a strain on him again. He sat next to me rubbing my face and begging me to please just sit up. I said daddy, I'm sorry I can't. I should be here too. That's all I had to say. About a half an hour later Mom came back with my counselor, Nick, and two other people from my group. She also had a blanket. They all talked to me and tried to get me off of the ground but I would neither speak nor move at this point. Nick told them to go and he would eventually get me up. Reluctantly they all left. Nick gave my mom his cellular phone number. I don't remember much other than a few times I heard the phone ring and I'd hear Nick's voice thinking it was Tim's. Then I'd be sad and cry again remembering that Tim was gone. Around 10:00 p.m. I was freezing, Nick was freezing. He said let me take you home and I promise I will bring you back tomorrow. I didn't move, nor did I speak. He said Kim, I promise I will bring you back regardless of what anyone says. I lifted my head and looked in his direction. It was pitch black all around us, but he stayed right with me. I cleared my voice and said, do you really promise? He said he knew how I felt and would never lie to me. I felt his hand on my arm and then slide down to my hand. I squeezed it and he helped me stand up. I was freezing. I heard him punch in a phone number on the cell phone and he asked my mother to run a hot bath and make sure the coffee was hot. I said don't take me home Nick. I don't want to go home. He said hold on a minute, to my mother. He said where do you want me to take you? I don't care, I just don't want to go home. He said he'd call my mom back. He put me in his Durango and got in and turned on the car and started up the heat. He said where do you want to go? I said your house. He said my house? I said you said you understand how I feel, I don't want to go back to that house and be reminded of my family. I'll never get rid of my mother and I've hurt my dad enough for one lifetime. He sat silent for the longest time, then he slipped his vehicle into drive. We drove for what seemed like forever. He had a rather large home on the beach, not what I would have expected from him. He pulled into the garage and led me inside. He asked me to wait on the couch and I sat down scared now for the first time. I heard the sound of the tub being filled up. He came down the stairs and handed me an old pair of women's sweats and two towels. He told me where the bathroom was and that the tub was ready for me. I slowly got up and headed up the stairs. I found my way into the bathroom and stripped of my clothing and settled into the hot water. My skin was void of color. I was cold right down to the core. I soaked in the water for what seemed like hours. When I did muster up enough strength to get out of the tub, the water was cold. I dried off and dressed in the sweats and headed downstairs. Nick said he'd called my parents and they knew I was all right and staying with him. He handed me a cup of hot coffee. I didn't speak, I just sipped the hot coffee, choking back the tears that stung my eyes. Nick placed a box of tissues in my lap he asked if there was anything he could do for me? I just closed my eyes and let the tears fall down my cheeks. He walked upstairs and I heard him turn on the shower. I placed the coffee cup down on the table and curled up on his couch. When I woke the next morning Nick was asleep on the sofa directly across from me. I sat up and knocked over the cup of coffee that was on the table waking Nick from his sleep. He noticed what had happened and told me not to worry about it. He ran into the kitchen and brought a sponge and towel and cleaned up the mess for me. He asked if I was all right? I shook my head no and began to cry again. He sat down next to me and put his arms around me, telling me that it would be all right. I stood up and went to the restroom and changed back into my clothes and headed downstairs. Nick was already dressed and ready to go. I didn't even have to ask, we got into the Durango and headed back to the cemetery.

Chapter 6

We had been at the grave for about an hour when Nick's cell rang. I heard him say that I seemed to sleep okay. As soon as he said we were at the cemetery, I could tell that whoever he was talking to was not happy. He kept saying, but I promised her. I know what she's going through and this is what "I" feel is best for her. He finally said, well I'm sorry you feel that way, but this is what Kim wanted. After that he hung up. He said your parents are on their way here now. They are pretty mad at me for bringing you back here. I just sat and stared at the names of my daughter and husband as they were forever etched in granite. He said do you mind if I take a walk for a minute? When I didn't respond he got up and headed off in another direction. After a few minutes my curiosity got the better of me and I went in search of him. I found him about 10 rows behind Tim's headstone kneeling in front of his fiancee's. I waked to him and silently sat down behind him. His pain was as real and as fresh as mine. I could hear his pain and when he got up and turned and saw me, he was surprised. We didn't speak any words at all. Only our hearts spoke to each other. He sat down next to me and we stared at Marianne's grave marker. I heard my mother calling my name and I said for goodness sake. Nick looked at me and smiled. I said we better go find her before she wakes the dead. I helped him up and we walked back in her direction. Once she saw us coming she gave Nick a piece of her mind and then ushered me into her car. As she drove away I kept my eyes locked on Nick. He returned my stare, I knew at that moment we were connected some way. He was the only person on this earth, who knew my pain. I placed my hand on the window and he waved as we drove by. My mom was talking a mile a minute about how could he bring me back here after I spent half the night out here. I just phased her out and when she dropped me off at the house I climbed into bed. I stayed there most of the week, barely eating. My mother, whom I adore, was driving me crazy. I finally had it out with her. I said you have never lost anyone mom. You don't know how I feel. I'm dying inside and you want me to be happy. I can't be happy right now. I have no reason, my baby is dead, my husband is dead. I am dead. There is nothing to be happy about. She started to cry, she said she just wanted me to be all right. I told her I'd never be all right. Of course I would go on, but I'd never be happy. When Christina and Tim died, they took a part of me with them. A big part and the only one who has made me feel like they understood me, and that it was okay to feel the way I am, was Nick. You chased him away. She said she did not, he's called here everyday asking about you. I said nice try mom. She said she realized that he was just trying to help, and she realized that he knew better than she did because of his experiences. She just didn't want me hurt and constantly reminded of Christina and Tim. She could barely even say their names. I held up my left hand and said this ring is a reminder to me that they are not here. I lifted my shirt and showed the C-Section scar, this is a reminder that Christina really was here. She said just tell me what to do. What can I do to help you? I said what? Help me snap out of this? I'm sorry mom, this isn't something that just goes away overnight. I went and got dressed for the first time in a week and headed for the front door. My mom asked where I was going? I told her I had group therapy tonight, she didn't have to stay I'd be fine. She looked sad, I told her I appreciated her for staying with me, I couldn't have done it without her, but it's time that I helped myself. I kissed and hugged her goodbye and drove to therapy. I pulled up at the same time Nick did and we walked inside together. He asked how I was? I tried to fake a smile, but I couldn't. I told him I wasn't sleeping well and hated to be in my home. I'm thinking of selling it, but have mixed emotions because I swear sometimes, I smell Tim. I smell his cologne or Christina's baby powder. It's like they've become part of the house and it's haunting me. He said that's why he's at the beach now. He sold the apartment he shared with Marianne. He just couldn't live there anymore. His parents tried to do everything for him too. He eventually moved out of state but came back. He said it's still hard and he's thinking of moving again. We sat down in our circle and the counselor said she was glad to see me. I told her I had to be here. I felt really good before the anniversary and I want to get to that level again. She promised me that I would and even farther. We talked about Christmas, I of course spent it in bed. I didn't have dinner and I didn't exchange gifts. Some of the group was finally able to put the past behind them and those are the ones I envied. I struggled because everyone knew what had happened to me. Everyone felt sorry for me. I was tired of being referred to as "poor Kim." I had had enough. After group when everyone was going out to coffee I pulled Nick aside and told him I was thinking of leaving Florida too. He smiled and said he ran but I didn't have to. I said it's not running, it's starting over again.

Chapter 7

He asked me where I would go? I said I don't know, it's just something that's being tossed around in my head. Where did you go I asked? He said he went to California, his family is still there. Your family, I asked? Mom, dad, brother, sisters, they all live in the mountains of California. I said the mountains, now that appeals to me. He said it was nice, but not for him. I said I'm thinking Colorado, or Utah. Nick said that sounded nice. I started making plans in my head. I could probably get a job easily with another newspaper. I wouldn't know anyone and they wouldn't know me. I could start fresh. Nick said it's exciting isn't it? I said yes, he told me I had a beautiful smile. I then felt very guilty, I dropped my head and told him I missed Tim and Christina so much. I'm so lonely Nick, do you ever get lonely? He said all the time. He doesn't remember what it feels like not, to be lonely. I said I don't want to live like this anymore. I need to be able to move on and it's not going to happen in Florida. I said goodnight and when I got home I told my mother of my thoughts. She was just not going to let this move happen. She said those people are corrupting you with these thoughts now. You should be with your family. Dad wasn't well so I put it off for a while. I told her I would think about it for a while but I wasn't going to forget about it. I told her every time I drive by Christina's pre school it hurts, every time I pass by Tim's job, it hurts. Every time I drive down the freeway where the accident happened, it hurts. Every time I sit in this house it hurts. There are too many reminders, I don't wan to forget them, I just need a break from their memories for a while. Is that so terrible? She said it wasn't but where would I go? I told her I didn't know, I'm thinking Colorado or Utah? Well that just freaked her out. Why does it have to be so far from your family? Mom, as much as I love you, I need a break from you too. I've come to depend on you for my emotional stability. I've come to depend on you for a lot of things. I'm 23 years old not 13. You have a life that you're missing out on too. It's not fair to either one of us. She made me think about it long and hard before I made any decisions. I promised her I would. I told her she could go home tonight, I would be fine. She looked a little hurt, but I said I love you mom. The hurt look was replaced with a look only a mother could show for her hurting child. I hugged her and walked her out to her car. Tell daddy I'm sorry and that I love him. She said she would, I kissed her one last time and she drove away. I walked into my house and started cleaning. Even though my mother had been here all day and had cleaned the house herself I just needed something to occupy my mind for a little while. My telephone rang surprising me a little. I expected it to be my mom but it was Nick. What a nice surprise I said. He said you sound a little better. I said I had a long talk with my mother. He was silent, I told her I was thinking about moving to Colorado and she freaked out. He laughed, she's been doing a lot of that lately hasn't she? I laughed and asked if he was okay? He said just lonely, but he's used to that feeling now. I told him I was too. He asked what I had planned for tomorrow? It was New Year's Eve. I had forgotten all about it. I said nothing really, what are you going to do? He said he was just going to stay home. He wasn't up to celebrating much. I told him I wasn't either. I'd just stay home and sleep through it I said. He said he'd do the same, it's less painful that way. He asked me if I wanted him to take me to the cemetery for Christina's birthday? I said that would be nice. Thank you, with that I told him I had to take a shower and get to bed before I dropped from exhaustion. He wished me a Happy New Year and I hung up the phone. The next day I lounged around the house all day. My friends were calling and checking up on me. As was my family, I assured them all that I was fine and preferred to spend the day alone. I finally took off and drove to the pier to escape the telephone. I was pleasantly surprised to find Nick on the pier. I sat down next to him and he smiled. He said he was going to invite me here today but I said I wanted to be alone. I smiled and said we could be alone together. I sat back and stared out into the ocean. Again neither of us spoke a word. We let our thoughts roam where they may. We sat on the bench for hours. Finally the sun began to set and it snapped me out of my trance. I noticed Nick had draped his arm along the back of the bench and had been crying. I noticed also that there wasn't anyone else on the pier. I stood up and walked across to the banister and let my salty tears mix with the ocean water below. The sunset was so beautiful and I missed not having Tim to share it with. I missed the closeness of his touch or his breath on my face. I missed him so much that I ached all over. Nick walked up behind me and instinctively knew my thoughts and wrapped his arms around me. He told me I wasn't alone, he's here for me.

Chapter 8

Once the sun set I thanked Nick for his company and got in my car and headed home. As I drove through the streets of Orlando I couldn't help noticing the happy couples as they got ready to celebrate the New Year. I stopped off at McDonald's and bought my dinner. I ate my fries in the car and pulled into my garage. I sat there eating my burger and drinking my diet Coke. Once I finished I looked around my garage and noticed that it could use a good cleaning. I spent the next four hours cleaning out the garage. I listened to some music while I cleaned and it somehow helped a little. I came across some of Tim's old tools, and shirts. I came across Christina's baby crib and car seat. I bundled those things up and go them ready for goodwill. I finally walked into my house and took a shower. I checked my messages one from Mom and one from Nick. I called Nick back and he said he was getting worried. I told him I've been home for hours. I was out in the garage cleaning. He said he felt relieved to know I was all right. It was 11:30 p.m. and he just felt like talking. I said so did I. We talked about everything and anything. I glanced at the clock and told him we missed it. He said we missed what? I said it's 12:45 p.m. we missed the New Year. We both laughed, we were both worried about how we would feel when the clock struck midnight. How would be feel starting another year without the ones we love? We missed it, it was funny to us now. I wished him a Happy New Year and said good night. I fell asleep effortlessly for the first time in a long time. I don't think I even moved from the spot from which I fell asleep in. My parents, and my brothers and sisters all came over the next day. Dad and my brothers were watching football and us girls worked in my kitchen and prepared a meal. My sister Laurie said I seemed different. I said how's that? She said you seem content for once. I said it's taking time but I'm feeling better. We all sat down to dinner and I had a pretty good day. Nick called around 2 and I invited him over. He showed up after everyone else left. I fixed him a plate of leftovers and we sat down and ate dinner together. I told him I've come to depend on him now. He smiled and said he felt the same way about me. You are so easy to talk to because you really understand the pain he said. I could only nod in agreement. He helped me with the dishes and it made me a little sad, Tim and I used to do the dishes together every night. Once the dishes were done I swept the kitchen floor and sat down in the chair and switched on the television. We watched the repeat of the New Year's Parade. The floats were beautiful. Nick said he'd like to decorate one some year. I said I did it once before, it's no picnic. They keep them in refrigerated hangers, so it freezing cold all the time. It's not as easy as it seems either. He asked when I did it, I said the year before Christina was born. I had to write a story. He said when was her birthday again? I said January 28th. She would have been 3 this month. He said she shared his birthday. I said he didn't have to take me to the cemetery, I'm sure he would rather spend his day somewhere else. I didn't know you shared a birthday, I never would have accepted had I known. Nick said he knew her birthday because I'd shared it in group. He said he would still take me. He was going out of town for a few weeks to visit his family in California, but he'd be back in time to take me. I asked him if he would rather spend the day with his family? He said he wasn't ready too yet. I just looked at him with understanding. He stood up and said he'd better go he had to pack. When are you leaving, I asked? He said in two days. So you'll miss group then? He said he would miss the next 3 sessions. All I could think about was how I was going to get through the weeks without him. I walked him to the door and said good night. I called his house and left a message, as I wasn't sure I'd have the guts to say anything to his face. Once I heard the beep, I told him it was Kim and I knew he wasn't home yet. I couldn't say this to your face because I didn't want either one of us to feel uncomfortable. Especially me and I laughed a nervous little laugh. I said I would miss him while he was away and if he had the time or just needed to talk to call me, collect even. I don't mind I'm just used to talking with you now and actually look forward to your calls. So anyway, you don't have to call me back, tonight anyway. I just… um… wanted to tell you that you're a good friend and I'll miss you while you're gone. Um… okay, see ya, bye. After I hung up I had a knot in my stomach and immediately felt bad for leaving the message. I shouldn't have called him. I hopped in the shower and dressed for bed. I crawled in bed and heard the phone ring, but I was too scared to answer it. The machine at my bedside picked up and then I heard Nick's voice. I sat on the bed biting my thumb nail and listening to him speak. He thanked me for my message and said he would call me from California. He respects my friendship and he feels the same way about me. He said he'd call me before he left and… he would miss me too. He said good bye and then the machine clicked off.

Chapter 9

I went to sleep and actually slept in until almost 10:00 a.m. I called my mother and checked in with her. She wanted to go to lunch but I told her I just didn't feel like it. A close friend was going away for a few weeks to visit family and I'm having a hard time dealing with that. She asked why? I said I lean on my friend a lot now and now whom will I lean on? She said she's always here for me. I told her I appreciate it but it's not the same. I know that you don't think that I'm a burden to you, but I feel like I am and sometimes I hold back my true feelings and emotions just to spare you. With my friends I don't have to do that because they've all been through what I've gone through. She said so it's one of the people from group then? I said yes they're from group. She asked if it was Nick? I tried to answer but my tears prevented me from doing so. She said how long would he be gone? I said three weeks. She said well maybe you could fly out and meet him. I said I don't know about that. She said well maybe you and I could go to Colorado for a few days and look around and see if that's where you want to end up? I said really mom you would do that for me? Now it was her turn to cry, she said she just wanted me to be happy. If it meant that I had to leave then she wouldn't hold me back. I told her I loved her and would look into purchasing tickets for us. She said just a few days, I don't want to leave your dad for too long. I said three days would be plenty. Thank you mom, you don't know what this means to me. She said she had a good idea, she told me she loved me and we hung up. I called Nick's house but he wasn't home. I said already I miss talking to you and I have such great news. Call me as soon as you get this message. I tried to busy myself with cleaning and calling my travel department. I called from my cellular phone so as not to miss Nick's call. My agent called me back on my cellular and said if I waited two weeks I'd save the most money and if I waited 7 days I'd save less. I said my mom's coming just book us first class I'll pay for it myself. She said that I was sweet. I said you haven't met my mother, she really deserves it. She gave me the details and hotel confirmation. I thanked her again and hung up the phone. I called Nick's house and still no answer. I'm worried now. I told him to call me because I'm scared now. When he hadn't called an hour later I left another message on his machine to call me on my cellular phone. Something was telling me to go to the pier. I drove down to the pier and saw his Durango parked in the parking lot. I parked next to it and looked inside. He wasn't in his car. I walked down the pier towards our bench and found him sitting there. I felt such relief that he was all right. I walked up to the bench and sat down. He looked through me. I said Nick are you all right? He then realized I was there and smiled and said he was fine. I said I've been calling you all day. He said he just came out here for a while. I noticed his lower lip quivering and I asked him what was wrong? He let his tears fall freely now and then he told me it was Marianne's birthday today. I closed my eyes as I remembered Tim's first birthday after he passed away. I cried all day and wouldn't talk to anyone. I stood to leave but he asked me to stay. I told him I was sorry for intruding, I know he must want to be alone. He got defensive and said he was tired of being alone. He hated feeling this way but he didn't know how else to feel. I sat back down and stared out at the ocean. I told him I sometimes wonder how things would have been if it was me who died that day instead of Tim and Christina. Then I feel bad for thinking that way, I said. Nick said he feels that way sometimes too. I said let's get out of here. He said where do you want to go? I said come back to my house I want to share something with you anyway. He smiled and we walked back to our cars and he followed me to my house. I fixed him a cup coffee as he was half frozen. I ordered a pizza and we waited until it was delivered. I told him about my mother's conversation and my plans to fly to Colorado. He said he was happy for me, but it would be another loss for him. I apologized for not thinking. He said I had no reason to apologize, I was following my heart. Besides, he was the one that gave me the idea, he said. I asked him if he was all packed? He said he was, he leaves a 7 a.m. tomorrow morning. That early huh? I asked. He said his airplane arrives in Los Angeles around 11:30 a.m. and then he has a 2 hr drive to his family's mountain home. So he would get to his parent's house around 2:30-3:00 p.m. The doorbell rang and Nick paid for the Pizza, I tried to give him some money but he wouldn't take it. We sat on the couch together and ate our pizza. We talked about his trip and the fact that he was looking forward to seeing them again. They used to be very close but since Marianne's death it's been hard. I just nodded and grabbed for another slice of pizza. After we cleaned up Nick said he had to be going, he had an early day tomorrow. I walked him out to his car and he hugged me good bye. I said don't forget to call me sometimes. Our eyes locked and I felt my eyes well up with tears and that's when he did it.

Chapter 10

He leaned in and kissed me. It was just a small little peck on my lips but it meant so much more. It actually awakened feelings in me that I forgot I even had. He backed away from me his eyes locked on mine and he got in his Durango and drove away. I stood in the driveway and watched him drive down my street. I went in the house and cried. How could I betray Tim like that? Did I betray Tim? I went and lied down in my bed. I had so many emotions flying through my head. I was startled when the phone rang. It was Nick and he asked if I was all right? I said yes, why wouldn't I be? He said he doesn't know what came over him and he's sorry if he offended me. The last thing he wanted to do was to lose my friendship. I told him I wasn't offended at all. Surprised, but not offended. He said he surprised himself too. He's been debating whether he cheated on Marianne or not. I smiled, but said nothing. I had been having the same debate. He said he just wanted to make sure that I was okay, he'd call me in a few days. I said good night and wished him a great trip. I turned off my light but was unable to sleep. I tossed and turned all night. At 5:30 a.m. I got out of bed and headed to the airport. I waited by Nick's gate and when he saw me he was surprised. What are you doing here, he asked? I said I couldn't sleep and I don't know, here I am. He smiled and we sat down. It was 6:15 and they were making boarding announcements all ready. Nick was flying first class and was already checked in so he had another 30 minutes before he had to board. I said I hope you have a smooth flight. He said he hoped so too, he really doesn't like to fly. So what do you think you'll do first when you get to… he leaned in and kissed me again. This time I returned his kiss, I wanted it so badly. He broke off the kiss and I sat there with my eyes closed, afraid to open them. I felt his lips return to mine and he kissed me again, this time pulling me to him. The gate agents were announcing final boarding now and Nick stood up. I stood up and he hugged me. I so badly wanted him to stay and not go. I couldn't tell him that though. He looked into my face and stroked my cheek with the backs of his fingers. He said he promised to call me everyday. I smiled I said everyday? He said everyday. I watched him disappear down the Jetway and waited for his plane to push away from the gate. Once it did I slowly walked back to my car. I was sad but happy too, as I knew Nick had some feelings for me. I was growing to love him, I was afraid but not alone. I drove home and passed out on my sofa, I was so tired. I woke around 2 in the afternoon and made a sandwich. I had just started a load of laundry when my phone rang. I ran to my phone expecting it to be Nick. It was my mother, she was asking about our travel plans. She noticed the disappointment in my voice when I realized it was her and she question it. I said I was expecting Nick. I'm sorry, hold on a minute and I'll get the itinerary. I returned with the itinerary and gave her the flight information and hotel name and phone number. She said she wanted to make sure daddy knew where she was. My sister Laurie would be staying with daddy. She said she wouldn't keep me, as she knew I was expecting a call. I thanked her for understanding and told her I'd call her back after I heard from Nick. She told me she loved me and then hung up. I read the paper and washed my dishes and swept the floor still no call from Nick. It was 8:00 p.m., which meant 5 p.m. in California. Ten minutes later the phone rang and it was finally Nick. I said I've been waiting for you. He said it's been pretty crazy this is the first minute he's been able to be alone. His family met him at the airport and it was great seeing them again. Then they went out to an early dinner and then they drove home and more relatives, cousins and friends stopped by. I finally told them I was really tired and was going to bed. He said he's not tired, he just wanted to talk to me. He said about this morning… I said I'm fine with it if you are. He didn't answer. I said or if your not then that's fine too. He said he just wanted it to be for the right reason. I know what you mean I said. He told me his flight was smooth no turbulence which was a first in aviation history he said. I laughed out loud. He said he missed me all ready. I said I miss him too. I told him I'd be leaving for Colorado on Friday it was Tuesday now. I gave him the phone number and name of the hotel that I'd be staying at. He gave me his parent's phone number too, just in case he said. I thanked him for that and told him I'd let him go and get some rest now. It was 9:30 p.m. ET and I knew it was 6:30 p.m. PT. He said he'd call me tomorrow around the same time. I said I look forward to it and I said goodnight. He was silent. I said Nick are you still there? He said yes, good night Kim I'll call you tomorrow. Then there was a click and he was gone.

Chapter 11

For the next 2 days Nick called me at 5:00. He would talk about his family and I would talk about my upcoming trip. He said that I would love Colorado. It's really cold in January but if you're going to move there that this is the best time to go. You get to see it at it's worst. I said that's what I was thinking, If I couldn't maneuver the roads in the winter than there is no use living there. My flight left at 11 a.m. on Friday morning and we'd land at 2:15 p.m. in Denver. I went to group and being there and not seeing Nick made me sad. I didn't talk much but no one questioned why. Sometimes we have bad days so we just get through them the best we can. I skipped the coffee and went home to prepare for my flight in the morning. Mom was picking me up at 8:00 a.m. As mom and I waited at our gate I couldn't help glancing across the terminal at the gate Nick and I sat at a week ago. I could still feel his lips on mine. Feel his hands on my back. My mother was talking but I had no idea what about so I just nodded. It must have satisfied her because she continued reading her magazine. Our flight was finally called and she was surprised to find that we were sitting in first class. I said, where else would the world's greatest mother sit? She smiled and I offered her the window seat. We took our seats and headed for Denver. The flight was great, no problems. The service was good even the food was good. Until we approached Denver International Airport that is. The roughness of the landing was enough to convince me that if I did move to Colorado, there would be no winter trips for me. One strike against Colorado, it wasn't looking good. Once we landed safely and I let go of my mother's hand we exited the aircraft and headed down to baggage claim. We retrieved our luggage and headed out to the rental car area. I picked up the car and a map and headed to the hotel. I learned to brake very tenderly and slowly. Not to brake too hard or we'd skid. It was quite an experience for mom and me. We checked into our room that we would share and the clerk handed me a message. It was from Nick. Mom was surprised as I read it and my smile lit up my face. She said what is it? I said Nick's welcoming us to Colorado. She said how'd he know we were here? I smiled and said I told him mom. We followed the bellhop to our room. Nick had ordered a fruit basket for us. As we settled in my mom asked me more personal questions about Nick. She wanted to know what has been going on with him? I felt embarrassed and ashamed to tell her I'd kissed Nick so I didn't tell her. I told her I think I had feelings for him but I was afraid to pursue them. I said let's go to dinner I'm starving. She reluctantly dropped the subject as we headed to the diner in the lobby of the hotel. After we ate we walked in the park located across the street from the hotel. It had started to snow but it was the most beautiful night. I could see the thousands of stars in the sky. The air was crisp and cool. I could forget all my worries here I said. Mom said if you don't freeze to death first, let's go back. I smiled and we headed back to the hotel. Once we got up to the room mom went into take her shower. As I sat on the bed flipping channels the phone rang. Nick said you made it. I said barely, and then described the landing at DIA. He laughed and said he should have warned me about that. I told him my mom was taking a shower but we had just gone to dinner and then for a walk in the park across the street. He laughed and said isn't it dark outside? I said yes, but it's so romantic I could see all the stars in the sky so clearly. He was silent for a moment and then I said I wish you could have been here to see it. He cleared his throat and asked what I had planned for tomorrow? I said well if it stops snowing I'd drive around and check out the sights here. I'm going to tour the Chronicle at 3p.m. tomorrow afternoon. He said for a job? I said no just to look around, I haven't decided anything yet. It's not going to be a snap decision. I heard my mom step out of the shower. I said well I won't keep you any longer. He asked if something was wrong? I said my mom's coming? That made him laugh so hard it made me laugh too. He said you're 23 years old and you're afraid that you're going to get caught talking to a man on the phone by your mother? I said you've met my mother and it's not that I'm afraid, I just don't want to discuss my feelings with her all night long. He said so you have feelings for me? It was a hard question for him to ask so I thought that I would be honest and answer him honestly. I said I have feelings for you, but what they are for sure, I don't know. Like you said, I want it to be for the right reason. My mom walked out of the bathroom and I said I'm busted. That made him laugh again. Mom asked if it was Dad on the phone? No mom it's not dad, well then who is it she asked? Mom it's Nick calling to check on us. She smiled and then surprised me by asking me to say hello for her. I smiled and said my mom says hello. Nick laughed and said to say hello for him. Nick says hi ma. She grabbed her book and walked over to the sofa and opened it and started to read. He said so when do you go home?

Chapter 12

I said not until Monday afternoon. I'm nervous about flying out of here though. The landing really frightened me. Nick said not to worry I was lucky, I had two angels watching over me and they'd never let anything happen to me. I said I'm lucky huh? He said, see the majority of us only have one angel, but you have two, and lots of people don't have any. I thought it was sweet of him to say. I said goodnight to him and told him I'd call him tomorrow. He said he couldn't wait. I told mom what Nick said about having two angels and she didn't know whether to be mad or what. I said I'm not mad at what he said, so why should you be? She said I guess it's all in how you interpret it. I said I interpret it to mean that he was taking something negative and turning it into a positive instead of skirting the issue all together. She said what's that supposed to mean? I said mom I don't want to argue, that's not what this outing is for. She said she just wanted to know what I meant. I said Nick understands that Tim and Christina are real people to me. My friends and family figure that the best way to help me cope is to pretend that they never existed. My mom said is that what we do? I said I'm sure you don't mean to, but yes that's what happens on Holidays and Birthdays. I said Nick knows how I feel and he asks me about Tim and Christina and I can talk to him about Marianne. I said do you know when Nick's birthday is? She said no, when is it? I said January 28th. She said that's Christina's birthday. I said is that a coincidence or what? I said but it gets better. Do you know where he's taking me on his birthday? My emotions were betraying me now. She said where is he taking you? I said to Christina's grave. He's spending his birthday with my daughter and me. Mom was crying and she asked if I was in love with Nick? I said I think I might be and that really scares me. She sat next to me and held my and said why does it scare you? I said am I betraying Tim? Is this moving on, and if it is, have I moved on too soon? She said where does it say that you have to grieve for a certain amount of time before you can move on? She said maybe Nick's right. Maybe you do have two angels watching over you. Maybe they are sending Nick to you. I looked at her and asked her if she really believed that, or if she was just saying that for my benefit? She said she knew that there was something different about me since I started going to group. Laurie even commented on it, do you remember? I said I did remember. She said she thought that it was the group that was causing the changes in me, but now she knows it wasn't the group it was Nick. She asked how he felt about me? I said well, we kissed, twice. She had a huge smile on her face and her tears slid down her cheeks as she covered her face with her hands. Oh Kim, that's the beginning for you. Oh I can't believe it. We were interrupted by a ringing telephone. It was daddy. As I handed the phone to mom I asked her not to tell anyone about Nick not yet anyway. She nodded her understanding and talked to my dad as I showered and got ready for bed. The next day we drove around town and stopped in at the Chronicle and looked around and talked to a lot of the reporters. They were pretty miserable because of the weather. All they cover now are car accidents and weather related topics. Sign number two that Colorado was not the place for me. We left there and headed to the nearest indoor mall and went shopping. When all else fails go shopping as we say. We went out to dinner and then headed back to the hotel. Mom went to check out the gift shop and I called Nick. She said she'd give me some privacy. I kissed her cheek and thanked her. Nick's brother answered the phone, but I thought it was Nick. I'm glad I didn't say anything weird, not that I would. Nick said that was his little brother. I said you two sounded alike on the telephone. He said he hears that a lot. We filled each other in on what we'd been up too. I told him I probably wouldn't move to Colorado. I don't like the winters here. He said California winters are great. I told him not to rub it in. After about 40 minutes we hung up and I went looking for mom. She had met a woman from Florida and was deep in conversation with her. I finally had to butt in and ask her to come up to the room. It was getting late and I didn't like her in the lobby this late at night by herself. We both got ready for bed and watched a movie until we both fell asleep. We both slept in as we were leaving that afternoon. It had finally stopped snowing but things were still moving pretty slow anyway. We called for the bellhop and he took our bags downstairs. I checked us out and paid the bill. We drove out to the airport. We checked in and waited for our flight to board. Mom and I picked up a few more souvenirs in the airport gift shop. We boarded the flight and held on for dear life as our airplane tried to climb above the Rocky Mountains. After about 30 minutes the turbulence subsided. As we flew toward Florida my mother thanked me for a wonderful time. She said we needed to do more things like this. I smiled and told her I loved her. She squeezed my hand and told me she loved me too. She turned back to her book and I stared out the window wondering what Nick was doing right now.

Chapter 13

We finally arrived home about 7:30 p.m. Dad was happy to see us both and even he noticed a difference in me. I stayed at my parent's house for a little while and had a cup of coffee with mom and dad. Dad loved his souvenirs and mom and I talked about our trip. Around 8:45 p.m. I said I was going home. I kissed them both good night and headed for home. I was traveling down the highway headed to my house when the most beautiful song came on and made me cry. Its called "Angel of Mine." As I listened to the words I thought of my life and all that has happened in the last year. I came to the conclusion that angel's do exist. The loves of my life were taken from me in a horrible way. It was an accident, no one is to blame. I never thought I'd come out of this fog, but I'm coming out of it. I guess I really wasn't concentrating on where I was going, before I knew it I was parked at the cemetery. I sat in the car wondering why I had come here. I stepped out and headed to the grave. I kissed the head stone and told them I was back in Florida, and I wouldn't be leaving, ever. Maybe it was my angel's way of showing me that I was home. After all, just because they are not here with me, doesn't mean Tim and Christina aren't my family. I headed back to my car and drove home. By the time I walked in the door it was after 11:00 p.m. Nick had called 4 times. He said he'd call back at midnight. I grabbed my portable phone and hopped in the tub. I soaked in the tub for 45 minutes and then dried off and got into bed. I must have been more tired than I thought, because when Nick called at 12:10 p.m. I had already fallen asleep. He said hello, and I said Tim? He cleared his throat and said, no, it's Nick. Nick? Oh, I'm sorry I fell asleep and I guess that maybe I was… well never mind. I'm so sorry. He said that was okay. He asked where I had been? I recapped my day including the stop at the cemetery. I said what you said about me having two angels, it's been with me ever since you said it. He said he believes it's true. I told him I believed it too. When are you coming back, I asked? He said his flight lands Friday at noon. I'm going back to work tomorrow that should keep me pretty busy. He said so what did you decided out Colorado? I said it's a great place to visit, but I could never live there. I suppose I had to go and find out that Florida is home for me. I could never leave my family. He said that's why he moved back. Even though his family now lives in California, Florida is home. Nick said he'd let me go back to sleep. I said I guess I'll talk to you tomorrow then? He said he'd call around 7 p.m. tomorrow. He was going out with his family tomorrow. I asked him if things were going all right? He said my mom's noticed a "change" in me. What that change is, she doesn't know. She said I seem at peace now. I smiled as I had had the same conversation with my mom the night before. Although I did not share it with him, I knew what that peace was. He said he'd call tomorrow. Goodnight Nick, I said. Goodnight honey, I mean Kim. Then I heard a click. Honey? Did he call me honey? Now I was wide-awake. Was it a slip or did he mean to say it? Damn, I have no one to talk to about this. I looked at the clock again and decided to call Nick back. Some woman answered and told Nick he had a phone call. I said hello, it's me again. He said what's wrong? I said nothing's wrong, I just have a question. Can you talk now? He asked me to hold on, I heard him say Mom give me a minute and then hang this up okay? A few moments later I heard him yell okay and then I heard a click. What's up, he asked again? I said when we hung up the last time, you called me honey, or did you? What I mean to ask is did you call Marianne honey and then forget you were talking to me, or did… He said Kim. Yes I asked, feeling really embarrassed and wishing I hadn't called him now. He said he never called Marianne honey. He said he's been thinking about me a lot lately. Especially since the kiss we shared when he left for California. He said he thinks he has feelings for me. He knows he has feelings for me. He's just not sure how I feel, or what he feels for that matter. I was quiet and he asked if I was still there? I said I'm here, it's just so strange to me. He said what's strange? I said it's like we have the same conversations with ourselves about each other. After we kissed the first time, I felt like I was cheating on Tim. You called later that evening and said you felt like you were cheating on Marianne. I confessed to my mom last night that I thought I had feelings for you, but was wondering if a year was long enough to grieve for a husband before moving on. He said what did your mother say? I said, my mom said there are no rules for grieving. A year is neither too short nor too long. She said my heart would tell me when it was time to move on. He said what is your heart telling you? I said my heart is telling me that I loved Tim and Christina, but they're gone and it's time for me to start anew. He said are you sure? I said if I met the right person, yes I think I'm fairly sure. He asked me if I had met the right person? I said yes, but he's far, far away from here right now and that makes me sad. I asked him if he was ready to move on? He said he was ready to move on, but he wasn't sure how easy it would be. I said as long as we are both open and honest with each other I think we have a shot don't you? He said he knew we did. He said well now I'm going to bed, it's almost 10 here it must be almost 2 there. I said I think I can sleep now. He said he would see me Friday. Goodnight Nick, he said goodnight, honey. Then he laughed and hung up the phone.

Chapter 14

The next two days flew by, I went to group and everyone noticed a difference in me. I told them about my trip and that I met a guy and that I was hoping to start a new relationship. They were all happy for me and helped me through the "have I grieved enough" syndrome. They basically told me what I already new. When it was time to move on, I would know. I went out for coffee with some of the group but I was anxious to get home and talk to Nick. I finally excused myself and headed for home. As I put the key in the door the phone started to ring. I flew inside and picked up the phone Hello Nick? He laughed and said hi there. I walked back to the front door and closed it and locked it. I stripped off my jacket and told him I'd just got home from coffee with the fellas. He said so how was group tonight? I said the same, except I told them I met someone. I didn't say it was you, I just couldn't hide my happiness. I haven't felt this good in a long time. He said his family picked up on it too. His mom's been bugging him ever since I called the other night. Oooh, I'm sorry I didn't mean to put you under any stress. He said not to worry he could handle his mom. I said so you come home tomorrow right? He said 12 noon, are you going to meet me at the airport? I said I was planning on it. Is that okay with you? He said he was hoping I would be there. I smiled and said I'd be there. He said he's got to go, he has an early flight. I told him I'd seen him tomorrow. Good night Nick, I said. He said goodnight. I changed for bed and fell asleep immediately. I can't remember when the last time was that I slept so soundly. I awoke at 8 a.m. and read the paper and ate breakfast. At 10:30 a.m. I headed to the airport I arrived at 11:30 at Nick's gate. His airplane was due to land in 30 minutes. It was the longest 30 minutes I could remember. The aircraft finally appeared at the gate and now I was nervous. I stood back from the gate and watched as the first few people emerged off the aircraft. I finally saw Nick and he was looking around for me. I started walking in his direction and then he saw me. I don't know why I was crying but my tears were soaking my cheeks. I hugged him and he kissed me so passionately. He said you don't know how much I missed you. I just hugged him tighter and we stood there for a minute. We finally let each other go and I looked up into his eyes. They were wet with tears too. I wiped my face and laughed, you've only been gone three weeks and I feel like it's been longer than that. He said it felt like they were on the tarmac forever once they landed and then they couldn't get the door open. He picked up his bag and we headed down to baggage claim. Once we claimed his bag we headed to my car. I asked him if he wanted to come to my house or did he want me to take him home first? He said he just wanted to eat and spend some time with me. I smiled and he kissed me again, I get butterflies in my stomach every time he kisses me. I headed to a restaurant by my house and Nick and I were taken to a table. Nick sat close to me holding my hand while he flipped through the menu. We finally ordered and then he pulled me close and wrapped his arms around me. He said I know this may sound silly, but I couldn't wait to get home. I wanted to leave right after our talk Tuesday night but I couldn't. I said I know I couldn't wait for you to come home either. He kissed my forehead. We ate our lunch and paid the bill and went to my house. I can't even express how good it felt to have him back in Florida. I was a little nervous having him here again too. We had decided to pursue a relationship and I was still very nervous. I also had Christina's birthday looming overhead too. Not to mention Nick's, I would have to do something for him, but would I be able too. We didn't have too much to talk about since we'd been talking every day on the telephone. He caught up on his Florida news by reading the few newspapers I had in the house. I cleaned, as usual, and then we watched some television. It was getting late and Nick was tired. I hated to see him leave but I knew it was time for him to go. I drove him to his house at the beach, he invited me in but I was too afraid. I didn't know where it might end up so I said not tonight, I'm really tired. I kissed him good night. He said he'd call me tomorrow. I kissed him one last time and he waved as I drove down the street. Once I got home and walked up my driveway I could hear that my telephone was ringing so I ran inside. My mother hadn't heard from me all day and was checking up on me. Nick came home today mom. She said ah, now I know why I haven't heard from you. She said so… I said what? She said what happened? I said nothing happened mom, we went out for an early dinner and we talked and he read the paper and I just got back from taking him home. When are you going to see him again, she asked? Tomorrow, he said he'd call me. She said she was glad that we both found someone. I said he makes me so happy mom. I feel calm, and safe around him. She said that's what I used to say about Tim. I did? I asked. She said when you first started dating you would come home and we'd sit and talk about your date, and you would always tell me how safe he made you feel. As for how happy Tim made you feel, it was written all over your face. I said thank you mom. She said for what? I said for reminding me why I love you so much.

Chapter 15

Nick and I spent the entire weekend together. We went to a movie and out to the pier actually sat on the beach instead of on the bench. We were starting some new habits together. Monday was Nick's birthday, and Christina's. I spent Sunday night baking a cake for Nick. I was so very emotional, as this is what I used to do for Christina. Every year after she'd go to bed the night before her birthday, I'd stay up and bake her a cake. It would always be the first thing she saw when she came down for breakfast. Nick called and he knew I was having a hard time. I told him I'd be all right. He promised to come over first thing in the morning. I said I'd be all right but I couldn't stop the tears. He said, Kim I'm on my way. I tried to talk him out of it but he hung up. I called his house but there was no answer. About 30 minutes later he was knocking on my door. I opened the door and fell into his arms. He helped me inside and closed the door and just held me as I cried. I said another year without my baby. How am I going to go on? He just said Shhhh. He was here now. He rocked me back and forth and it just calmed me somehow. He led me to the couch and we sat down and he pulled me close to him. I leaned on him and dozed off on his shoulder. He woke me as he tried to get up. I asked him where he was going? He said he was going home. I said please don't leave me. He knelt down and asked me if I wanted him to stay? I nodded that I did. He followed me down to my bedroom and I gave him a pair of Tim's old pajamas. He looked at them and asked if it was all right. I said it was, after all I wore Marianne's clothes. He smiled at the thought. He disappeared into the bathroom and I removed my robe and got into bed. He came out and kissed me on the forehead and asked for a pillow and blanket. I said what for? He said for the couch. I said no, sleep here with me. He looked down and said he wasn't ready for that yet. I said I just want to lie next to you. I'm not asking, nor am I expecting any more than that. He looked deep into my eyes and asked if I was sure? I said I don't want to be alone, my tears started to fall again. He said all right and he climbed into Tim's side of the bed. I reached up and turned the lights off and cuddled close to Nick. We were both asleep in no time. When I woke up the next morning, Nick was not in bed with me. I slowly made my way through the house and found him looking out the back door. I walked up to him and put my arms around his waist and startled him. I noticed he was crying. I said what's wrong? He said last night when I called… You were baking a cake for me. I said yes, Happy Birthday! He hugged me and said he didn't mean to remind me of so much pain. I said your not a reminder of my past pains, you're a reminder that good times are ahead for me. He just tightened his hug around me. I said don't be sad, I didn't mean to make you sad today. He said no one, other than his mother, has ever done anything like this for him before. I said didn't Marianne ever bake you a cake? He said no she usually bought one or made reservations at a restaurant. I said well I'm a baker so you can plan on having one of these every year. He leaned down and kissed me. He asked what time I wanted to go to the cemetery today? I said early, so that we can spend the rest of the day together and celebrating your birthday. He said are you sure? I nodded my head and rubbed his face. I want nothing more than to spend my days with you Nick. He told me to go get dressed and he'd be right back. Where are you going? He said it's a surprise and he would be right back. I smiled and went and took a shower and got dressed. I was wondering what was taking Nick so long then I heard the doorbell. Ooops, he doesn't have a key. I ran to the front door and he said I was locked out. I laughed and stepped aside. I said how long have you been outside? He said about 15 minutes. I said well let's fix that right now. I grabbed Tim's keys out of the kitchen drawer and with mixed emotions pulled the house key off his key chain and handed it to Nick. He asked if I was sure that I wanted him to have a key to my home? I said there isn't anyone I trust more. He put the key on his key chain and I asked where he went? He asked if I was ready? I said yes, he said then come with me. As I walked to his Durango I could see in the back seat about a dozen pink balloons. I looked at Nick they are so beautiful. He said they are for Christina. It brought tears to my eyes. He helped me in to the car and I looked back at the huge Pink teddy bear that would act as a weight for the balloons. He got in and started up his car he squeezed my hand and placed it on his thigh. Without a word we drove to the cemetery. Nick had been so many times that he knew exactly where to go now. We walked up to the grave and found Tim's parents there. After we hugged I introduced Nick to them both. Was that ever an awkward moment. Nick placed the big teddy bear with the 12 Pink and white balloons next to the bouquet of flowers left by Tim's parents. They asked if I was going to leave the teddy bear here? I said it's Christina's, not mine. They said someone would just steal it, I should take it home. They finally left and Nick said maybe they are right, we should take that home. You can put it in Christina's room. I said how do you know Christina still has a room at my house? He said if he had lost a child, there would still be a room at his house. I smiled, he knew me so well. He untied the bear and then found a large stone. We tied the balloon around the rock and I said good bye, and Happy Birthday.

Chapter 16

I apologized for us running into Tim's parents like that. He said it wasn't my fault and not to worry about him. I grabbed for his hand and thanked him again for the balloons. He kissed me and said now what? I said let's go have breakfast. He smiled and said I read his mind. I looked back on last time at Christina's grave and said a silent prayer. Nick stood holding my hand and waiting for me until I finished. Just then the wind picked up and the balloons flew up into the sky. Nick tried to catch them but the wind was too quick. He looked at me and said he was sorry. I smiled and said, maybe it's a sign that I need to let go of them. He grabbed my hand and we walked back to the car. We spent the rest of the day together. I had bought him some cologne and a pair of pajamas. He laughed a little and looked a little embarrassed. I said what's the matter? He said well, um, don't take this wrong but, I don't wear these. Oh, I'll take them back and exchange them, what kind of pajamas do you wear? He said, he doesn't wear them at all. I looked confused, I said what do you sleep in then? Then it hit me. The confused look when I gave him Tim's pajamas wasn't because they were Tim's it was because he didn't wear them at all. I started to giggle and then laugh. Nick just smiled and looked embarrassed. I said I was sorry, I'd take them back and get him something else. He said he would keep them. I tried to say that I would get him something he liked, but he said he liked the pajamas. He stripped off his shirt and put the pajama top on. They were flannel green pajamas and he said they were soft and comfortable. My doorbell rang and Nick took off the pajama top and put his shirt back on. I said we're adults, besides it's probably a sales man. He smiled and rolled up his pajama shirt. I opened the door and it was mom and dad. I said what are you doing here? Mom said she knew I'd be spending the day with Nick and she wanted to come and visit for a little while. I smiled and invited them both in. I re introduced Nick and my parents to each other. Mom and dad handed Nick an envelope. Happy Birthday they said. Mom hugged Nick. He looked at me with a strange look on his face and I just smirked and shrugged my shoulders. She let him go and told him to open it. I sat down next to Nick and he opened the envelope. It was a $100.00 gift certificate to an expensive restaurant. He said he couldn't accept it and tried to hand it back. Dad said it was the least they could do for him. He said what do you mean? Dad got too emotional to speak so mom spoke. She told him how happy he made me and this is the least they could do to show their appreciation. Then mom asked me if I had any coffee made. I smiled and said in the kitchen. She walked into the kitchen and I heard her say, oh my… I got up and asked her what was wrong? She said you baked? I said it's Nick's birthday, of course I baked. She smiled and poured herself a cup of coffee and walked out past me. I stared at the cake and thought of my daughter. There would never be another birthday cake for her. No more parties, never any friends running in and out of our home. Then I felt Nick's hands on my shoulders. I turned and looked at him with tears in my eyes. He held me and promised my pain would subside one day. I tried to compose myself and said let's cut the cake okay? He said he was hoping I'd say that and then he kissed the top of my head. I called my parents into the kitchen and we sang Happy Birthday to Nick, who was very embarrassed. The cake was delicious if I do say so myself. My parents left shortly after that and Nick invited me to dinner. He said since my parents were buying. I laughed and said let me change okay? He said he'd be here waiting for me. I went and changed my clothes and reapplied my make up and fixed my hair. I came walking out about 20 minutes later and Nick was flipping through a photo album. I sat down beside him and he apologized. I said don't be silly. He said you seemed so happy. I said we were, but we had our arguments just like everyone else. Those just weren't caught on film. I laughed along with Nick. He said that as much as he loved Marianne he wished they had fought less. They had actually fought the day she died. She said she never should have accepted my proposal. I don't even know what we were arguing about. We settled the argument and then she was killed. I'm so sorry I said. He waved it off and closed the photo album. I grabbed his hand and said I want to show you something. I led him upstairs and opened the door to Christina's room. Everything was Pink and Blue, her two favorite colors. I said you knew it was here so I just want to share with you. The pink and white bear Nick had bought sat on her bed. He looked around the room and looked at the toys and her little frilly dresses hanging in the closet still. Her tiny shoes lined up in a row at the bottom of the closet. He said it's like she's out for the day. We had tons of pictures all over her room. Some of the family, others of just her. Nick said she was real wasn't she? I nodded my head as the tears slipped down my cheeks and said she was real. He said sometimes that he thinks that it was all a dream. He's forgetting things already. Marianne's favorite perfume her favorite song. I don't remember her laugh. When I try to remember her laugh, I just hear yours. I didn't move, nor did I say a word. He said he's losing her again and he sat down on Christina's bed and cried.

Chapter 17

We sat there together on Christina's bed and just held each other's hand silently allowing our tears to fall. I said let's just order pizza, I don't feel like going out. He said that was a great idea. We got up and I took inventory of her room one more time and closed the door. I followed Nick downstairs and called and ordered pizza. We spent the rest of the evening watching television and munching on left over pizza. Around 11 Nick announced he was leaving. I walked him out to his car and kissed him goodnight. He promised to call tomorrow. I gave him my work number, as I needed to go back to work. He kissed me one last time and drove off. It was hard getting up and getting ready for work. It was really hard, but I did it. I sat behind my desk with my mammoth sized coffee mug and weeded through past stories trying to find out what was next for me. Around 11 a.m. I got a delivery from the florist. A dozen red roses from Nick. He's so kind and always thinking of me. I called him immediately and thanked him. He said he's been thinking of me and wanted to make sure I was thinking of him. I said I was thinking of you long before you sent the roses. He asked me to dinner tonight and I accepted. He said he'd pick me up at 6 p.m. great, I'll see you later then. I hung up the phone and went in search of a vase. I received lots of comments regarding the flowers and many more stares. I know what they're thinking. Didn't she "just" lose her husband and child? It's been more than a year now. I want to scream it at the top of my lungs, but I don't for obvious reasons. They'd probably all have me committed. She finally cracked, we all knew she would. I could just hear then now. I went for a light lunch with Dana, my desk mate. I returned to work and sent everything down to my editor. He asked me to have a seat. Michael Parker, managing editor of the Orlando Tribune was an older man, a fatherly figure and my mentor. He was concerned about me since he hasn't seen much of me. I told him I was fine and was actually dating again. He seemed pleased, he reminded me if there was ever anything he could do for me, all I have to do is ask. I thanked him again and he said I still did good work, it was nice to know that that part of me had not died too. Then he apologized really quickly. I told him things like that didn't upset me anymore. I appreciate the thought and I'm glad he thought so. I headed back to my desk to finish up the rest of my work and then I said good bye to Dana and headed home. It was my first full day at work in I couldn't even tell you how long. I was pleasantly surprised to find Nick's car in my driveway. I walked in and found him reading the paper on my couch. He looked up a little embarrassed and I said it was nice to come home to a house that wasn't empty. He smiled and said, then you don't mind? I said if I minded I would never have given you the key. I kissed him and went to change for dinner. I was applying fresh make up, when I heard Nick knock on my bathroom door. I turned around and smiled at him. Hi, I said. He asked if I was almost ready? Almost I said, are you in a hurry? He said he hasn't spoken to me all day and was eager to spend time with me. I kissed him and told him he had my full attention. He liked that and we left for the restaurant. We were surprised at how beautiful the restaurant was inside. Neither of us had ever been here before. They had a dance floor and a bar. We were escorted to a table and Nick asked me if I wanted to dance? I'd love too I said. We slow danced together and returned to the table and placed our order. Before the dinner came Nick pulled me close and kissed me and just stared at me. What's wrong I asked him? He was so serious and looked like he had something really important to say, it almost scared me. He said I know we've only known each other for a few months, but I feel we have a very strong bond between us. I nodded my head in agreement, still afraid to speak. He said he wanted to tell me something but he didn't want to scare me. I told him he was already scaring me. He flashed me his million-dollar smile and then he got really serious again. He looked down at his hands and then back into my eyes. He said I love you Kim. I felt my eyes start to burn with tears as I told him I loved him too. I held onto him the best I could at the table we were sitting at. He said let's dance. He led me to the floor and I again just held on to him. My tears finding their way down my cheeks. He then kissed me and the magic behind the first kiss after he told me he loved me was enough to make me weak. We returned to the table and our food was brought out to us. We sat as close as we could and ate our dinner. Our eyes locking many times throughout dinner. Neither of us wanting to be here anymore, but still afraid to take the next step. Our dinner plates were cleared and dessert menus handed to us. Nick and I decided to share a piece of cake. We danced one last dance and Nick took me home. It was almost 9 p.m. I invited him in and we had some coffee and just sat on the sofa together. He asked if I was afraid? I turned to look at him and said afraid of what? He said of being hurt again? Then he let his tears break free. I wiped the tear and told him he'd never shed any of these on my account. I promised him that. I said of course I'm afraid but I trust you, and I know that you would never do anything to hurt me intentionally. He had to go it was getting late. I walked him out to his car and kissed him goodbye. He said he loved me. I said I love you too.

Chapter 18

Ever since we have been able to say those three most important words, "I love you," Nick and I have become more free spirited. I think it enabled us to let go in a way of our loss. Tim and Christina are still with me everyday. I where their pictures in a locket around my neck. Nick talks about Marianne, but only occasionally. I woke up this morning and took off my wedding ring. I placed it in my jewelry box and didn't get as emotional as I thought I would. Nick and I have been dating now for 6 months. The summer months are upon us and we spend a lot of our free time sitting on the beach and watching the sun set. He's very romantic and I'm so glad he's in my life. When we are together there seems to be a calm in our lives. Things aren't so chaotic when we are together. My dad isn't doing so well lately and I'm really afraid of losing him. Mom and dad are celebrating their 45 wedding anniversary this Saturday and Nick and I are going together. This will be his first "official" family get together. He's going to meet my brothers and sisters, aunts and uncles. He's not too worried about it. He said whenever you meet the family you couldn't help but be a little nervous. I smiled and kissed him and told them my family doesn't bite. The day of the party he was nervous. I assured him that if he felt too uncomfortable we would leave, together. He said he didn't want to make me leave my own parents party. I said we go together, we leave together. Nick drove us to my parent's house. My brothers and sisters were all ready there. They were still hanging decorations when we walked in. Once they saw us the immediately came to say hello. I introduced Nick to my brothers and sisters and their families. They all shook hands and immediately recruited Nick for his height, he's shorter than Tim but he's still over 6'. The punch was eventually spiked and the food arrived. My aunts and uncles all showed up, now we were waiting for my mom and dad. Dad took mom to dinner, she had no idea what was about to happen. When she arrived home she knew something was up as the street was lined with cars. She walked in and we all yelled surprise. She was shocked, we had pulled it off she had no idea what was going on. Dad just smiled and said Happy Anniversary dear. Mom was crying and we surrounded her and kissed her. Her brothers and sisters were here, and her children. She was most happy when surrounded by her loved ones. She kissed Nick on the cheek and thanked him for being here. She said it wouldn't be complete without every member of her family here. I squeezed his hand and he looked a little embarrassed. We made them both sit and open gifts. They got trips and dinners and my Uncle Stan bought them a new car. All they had to do was go and pick out the color. It's not like they needed a new car but Uncle Stan owned a car dealer ship. We all got our cars from Uncle Stan. I told him I was ready to trade in my Suburban for something a little smaller. Tim's the one who wanted the suburban anyway. Everyone got quiet and looked at me. I said yes I said Tim, it's true he always wanted big toys, I don't need big toys. I have a hard enough time finding a parking space for that boat I drive. They kind of laughed a little but still felt uncomfortable about my talking about Tim. Mom came to my rescue and said remember the time Tim wanted you to buy a boat? I laughed and said can you imagine me pulling a boat behind my suburban? Look out here I come! Everyone laughed and the ice was finally broken. They all knew it was okay to talk about Tim and Christina. Nick and I walked outside and spent a few moments together. I asked if he felt uncomfortable? He said he was fine. My brothers had taken him out earlier and drilled him a little and also threatened him. What? I said. Yes, he said with a smile. They told me that if I broke your heart they'd break my legs. He said if you were my sister, I'd probably say the same thing. I hugged him and asked if he wanted to leave? He said not yet, he was okay. We went back inside and we ate and drank and laughed and had a really fun time. Neither of us felt that good in a very long time. Nick fit in with my family very well, and for that I was grateful. It was getting late and Nick and I were the first ones to leave. Uncle Stan told me to stop by anytime and he'd give me a good deal on a new car. I promised him I would. Nick and I drove back to my house and collapsed on the sofa. He said he really enjoyed himself tonight. I'm glad I said. It would have hurt me deeply if you had been uncomfortable. He said he was at first but he appreciated my family's honesty. I laughed you mean the threats my brothers issued? He laughed and said that too. He said he appreciated what my mom had said as well as what my brothers said. He said I was from a very tight family and that's good. Now all that's left is for you to meet my family. I just looked at him and said uh… your family? He said his parents, brother, and sisters. They are in California aren't they? He said yes but they'll be here this weekend. Okay, now I'm nervous I said.

Chapter 19

He told me not to be his family doesn't bite either. It was late and we were both tired. I walked Nick out to his car and kissed him goodnight. He promised to call me tomorrow. I waved as he drove down my street and his tale lights disappeared. The wind was picking up and it looked like it was going to rain. The sky was filled with dark clouds. It scared me and I hoped Nick got home before the rain started. I no sooner walked into the house when I heard the rain crashing down on my roof. Oh Lord, please let Nick get home safely. He should have just stayed here. He was tired it's late and now it's raining. I tried his cellular but it was turned off. Should I go after him, no I should just wait. I called his home and left a message. Nick please call me as soon as you get home. It's raining, I'm sure you are aware of that but please call me. I won't be able to sleep until I know you are home safe. You should have just stayed here. I started to dust and clean my kitchen, anything to try to keep my mind off of Nick. It's been 45 minutes and he hasn't called yet. It was still raining but it was just sprinkling now. Another 30, 40 minutes and I called him again. His machine, I called my mom. I was borderline hysterical. Nick left 2 hours ago and he hasn't called me. It's raining and I'm so scared mom. She assured me that he was all right. She asked if I needed her to come over. I said no, I'm going to Nick's house. She said but it's 2 a.m. I don't care, mom I love him and if anything ever happens to him… She said call a cab, please don't drive you are in no condition to drive. Promise me you'll call a cab? I promise, mom I have to go. She said to call her no matter what time. I will, I hung up the phone and called for a cab. Another 30 minutes and a taxi pulled up in front of my house. The rain started to get stronger again. Is this a sign I asked looking heavenward? Please let him be all right. I couldn't control my emotions. All the way to Nick's house I looked for his Durango, praying it wasn't overturned or in an accident. We pulled up in front of Nick's house and I paid the cab fare. He asked if I needed him to wait? The house looks dark he said. No it's all right you go ahead. Thanks again. I knocked on Nick's door and rang the doorbell. No answer, did I miss him. I had just sat down on the step and buried my face in my hands when Nick opened the door. I jumped up and into his arms. You're all right. Oh thank God you're all right I cried. He said he was sleeping, he's exhausted. What are you doing here he asked me? He led me in and I was soaked to the bone. I said I called you and you never called me back and it's raining… he walked into his den and played the messages. He said he was sorry, he didn't even check them. He came home and went right to bed. I said I was so afraid that something happened… he said oh Kim I'm so sorry. I said it was raining when Tim had the accident too. I guess it just brought those memories back. He said we've got to get you changed, you'll catch pneumonia in those clothes. I followed him upstairs and changed into the sweats I wore the last time I was here. I took in the surroundings this time. His bedroom and bathroom were decorated in a seascape scene. Lots of shells and ceramic ocean life adorned his bedroom and bathroom. I walked out and he was lying across his bed with his eyes closed. I said are you still awake? He said barely. I smiled, I was so relieved that he was all right. I sat down on the bed next to him and watched him sleep. I grabbed a pillow and the afghan that was on the bottom of his bed and headed downstairs. I was still emotional, what if I had lost him? I called my mom and told her that Nick was all right. He was sleeping and never checked his messages. She said she was glad he was all right. I said mom, what if he wasn't? She said now don't go thinking like that. He's just fine and no need to make yourself all upset over nothing. I said but ma, what if something happened to him? I can't lose Nick like I lost Tim. Mom that would kill me I began to cry. She said I couldn't live my life thinking something bad is going to happen. I have to have faith that the bad is behind me and nothing but blue skies ahead of me. The Lord never gives us more than we can handle. You remember that, all right? I'll try mom but I think with Tim and Christina, there isn't very much more I can handle. She said she loved me and I should try and get some sleep. I told her I loved her and hung up. I wrapped up in the afghan and lay on the sofa. I saw a shadow and it scared me. Nick, is that you? He said yes. He asked why I was down here on the couch. I said I was talking to my mom and didn't want to wake him. He said he heard. I sat up, you heard? What did you hear? He sat down next to me and he apologized for scaring me so. He said and my falling asleep didn't help much either did it? My tears silently fell on the afghan. I said I tried to call you but your phone was turned off. He said his battery was dead, he needs to get a new one. He promised it would never happen again. He said let's go to bed. He picked up the afghan and pillow and led me upstairs to his bedroom. He kissed me good night and asked me if I was warm enough? I'm fine now, I said. He turned the light off and dove into bed. He said forgive him but he's so tired. I rested my head on his shoulder and we both fell asleep.

Chapter 20

The next morning Nick fixed breakfast and drove me home. He said he's been thinking all morning about something and he wants to run it by me. I said sure, what is it? He said remember when you went to Colorado and thought you needed a change? Yes, I said. He said then remember when you said everything here reminds you of Tim and Christina? Yes… He said well what if… well if you want too, no pressure or anything. Maybe you could just think about it for a while. I said what Nick? Think about what? He said move in with me? I just stared at him. Can you repeat that again I don't think I heard you correctly? He said you did, move in with me. After last night it just made me realize that we should be together. All the time, I hate driving home after spending the day with you. I like sleeping next to you and waking up next to you. I want that, don't you? I said of course I do. He said don't make your decision now, think about it and let me know. I said okay. He said okay. I said no, okay I'll move in with you. He smiled and said are you sure? I nodded and hugged him. I said after last night, I don't ever want to live through that again. He said he didn't want me too either. I wasn't sure how my parents would handle the news so I went over to their house in person to tell them I was moving in with Nick. They are very old fashioned and believe that you should only live with someone you are married too. However, they surprised me by saying it was a great idea. I asked if they were sure? Mom said there are no rules anymore. You are a good, decent, and respectable person. I know you will do the right thing. I hugged them both and told them I loved them. Dad was looking so much better lately. It's almost like my happiness has a direct effect on his health. He was going golfing again this weekend. Mom said he hasn't had this much spunk in a long time. I had to laugh when she said "you know what I mean?" They were high school sweethearts. Totally in love, I always hoped that Tim and I would be this happy, now my thoughts are of Nick and I. I gave them Nick's home number as it would soon be my home number too. Dad asked what would happen to the house? I said nothing for a while. I'm not ready to let go of it yet. Dad said he knew of someone who would love to rent it? I said whom? Your brother Danny. I laughed, Danny had moved back home after college and was driving mom and dad crazy. His music was loud and he talked on the phone all night. He was a lawyer and making good money, but had no desire to move out of our parent's house. I said I'd think about it. I hadn't touched Christina's room yet. Mom reminded me that she was just a phone call away. I kissed them both and drove back home. Nick was asleep on the sofa and I grabbed a few boxes and packed up a few things while he slept. I headed upstairs and sat on Christina's bed. Where do I start? I decided that I couldn't and closed the door and headed down stairs. Nick met me on the bottom step and I just hugged him. I just can't clean out her room yet. He said then don't. I said am I crazy? Shouldn't this be easier now? He placed his hand on my stomach and asked if I carried a child in here? I said yes, then he place his hand over my heart and said then she's in here now. It's always going to hurt. Nick helped me pack up my clothes and my shoes. He packed up the refrigerator's perishables and I grabbed my music. I grabbed photos and other reminders of my past life. Just before we were ready to leave I ran upstairs and got the pink and white bear Nick got for Christina's third birthday. I looked around her room one last time and closed the door. I headed down stairs and sat on the bottom step. I feel like I'm running away. He sat down next to me and said that maybe this is too much too soon. No I said I want to move in with you. I really need to be with you. He smiled and said that we don't have to do it all today. I want to I said. The longer I put it off the harder it will be. I do have to do one thing I said. Well, two things actually. I recorded a new greeting with my new phone number and then I pulled down a horseshoe off the wall. I said this has to come too. He said what's that? It's my lucky horseshoe. He laughed what's so lucky about it? I said this horseshoe brought love back in my life. I carried the last box out to my suburban and met Nick back in the house. I looked around one last time. My tears were beginning to well up in my eyes. Nick grabbed my hand and said, Kim, let's go home.

Chapter 21

Over the next few weeks I settled into Nick's house pretty well. Here there were no reminders of Marianne or Tim. Except the pictures, but that was different. Nick worked at home most of the time so he was always home. Our group was very surprised to learn that it was Nick that I'd been talking about all this time and they were very happy to hear that we'd moved in together. My counselor pulled me aside after group on night and asked me how things were going? I said I'm in love with a man who loves me for who I am and isn't intimidated by Tim and my daughter. I can talk openly and honestly with him as he can with me. We have no secrets, it's the best relationship I've ever been in. She asked how the sex part of it was? I said we don't have sex. She smiled a little and said what? I said we haven't matured to that part of the relationship yet. We both have very strong feelings for each other but are still dealing with Tim and Marianne's loss. It's just too early for us. She said she pulled me aside to make sure it was love and not a sexual relationship. She said a lot of people who have gone through what you two have, get involved for the wrong reason. Sex. I can see that it's not the case for you two and I'm very happy not to mention relieved, to hear that. She gave me a hug and reminded me if I ever needed to talk…. I smiled and thanked her, she had really made a difference in my life when she organized this group. She was one of us. She had lost not just her husband, but all four of her children in a house fire. That was 15 years ago, I can still see the pain in her eyes. I know in my heart that it will never go away. Unlike Debbie, I found someone who helps ease that pain for me. Nick has been my rock and I hope that I have been his. Nick came looking for me and said it's time to go for coffee. I smiled at Debbie and asked her to join us. She said no it's just for you guys. I said you are one of us, come with us. We don't discuss group we are just ourselves. She looked up at Nick and he said get your coat Debbie, let's go have coffee. Everyone was surprised to see Debbie at the coffee shop but they all welcomed her as an equal outside of her office. We pleasantly surprised her. Nick and I on the spur of the moment, invited everyone to the house for The Fourth of July. We'd barbecue and swim in the ocean. So bring your suits he said. He whispered in my ear that we have a lot to do this week now that he opened his mouth. I leaned in and kissed him. We can handle it together I said. He wrapped his arm around me and we joined back in the conversation. We went home and got ready for bed. We talked in the darkness about what we would need to get ready for Saturday. Yes, we had three days to pull this all together. I lay next to him with my head on his shoulder and I heard his rhythmic breathing that told me he was asleep. I kissed his cheek and rubbed his chest. How could I possibly love someone else as much, if not more, than I loved Tim? We woke the next morning and went shopping for hot dogs, hamburgers, and chicken. I'd make potato salad and macaroni salad. Nick bought a huge watermelon that he planned on making some sort of drink in. I've heard of it but never tasted it. We headed over to the party supply shop and bought steamers and plates and napkins. By Saturday morning we were ready. We got up early and inflated all the balloons, we hung the steamers. It was a perfect day. The sun was shining the birds were singing. What a beautiful day for a party. Nick and I headed down to the ocean to cool off as we had been working hard all morning. We swam out a little ways, I was too afraid of being taken by the current. I'm not a strong swimmer I told Nick. He said not to worry he'd protect me. He wrapped his arms around me and kissed me. He said, I love you. I love you too, I said and kissed him. We better head in I said our guests will be arriving soon. He said let them wait. I laughed and said we're the hosts we can't make them wait. He said do you think you'd ever get married again? I looked at him and said what do you mean? He said if I asked you to marry me right now, what would you say? Nick…, I started to say but he interrupted me. He said just what if, I asked you to today, right now. I'd say no, I'm not ready yet. It's not that I don't love you, you know that I love you don't you? He smiled and nodded his head. I said it's just too soon for me. He said what about a long, long, long engagement. I smiled and said how long? He said however long you want. I said as long as there was no pressure for a date, I'd say yes. He reached into the pocket of his swim suit and said then, Kim will you marry me, provided I don't pressure you with a wedding date any time soon? He held up the most beautiful engagement ring I ever saw. My tears were falling, I said Nick… what are you doing? He said he loved me and wanted to marry me. He'd wait till I was 60, if that's what it took. He said will you marry me? I said yes, I will marry you Nick. He slipped the ring on my finger and I kissed him. I promised not to make him wait until I was 60. He said he'd wait until I was ready. We swam back to shore and ran up to the house. I toweled off and put on some shorts. Nick found me in the kitchen and asked me if I needed any help. I told him my lips itched, could he fix that for me? He spun me around and kissed me. I wondered to myself, how long would he wait? How long do I need? Sounds like a question for Debbie. He let me go and asked if I needed help with the food? I smiled and said everything was ready. I love you Nick. He said he loved me too. The doorbell rang, Nick said let the party begin!

Chapter 22

What had started as a 4th of July party quickly turned into an engagement party once the last of our guests arrived I stood by my parents as Nick asked for everyone's attention. He told them all that he had proposed to me and I had accepted. They all cheered and mom and dad were both crying. I said it's going to be a long engagement so don't go picking out china patterns yet. Mom laughed and said she was so happy for me. I'm happy for me mom. Dad hugged and kissed me and then they went in search of Nick. I met Nick's family a few weeks ago, they had gone back to California though. Apparently he had discussed his plans with his parents because they called during the party and asked me if I accepted Nick's proposal? I said you knew about this? They said they did. I said I did, but… it would be a long engagement. I love Nick and want to marry him, but I just can't do it right now. He understands that I said. His parents were both on the line and asking a million questions, I said let me get Nick for you, as I felt overwhelmed. Nick came to the phone and spoke with his parents while holding my hand in his. He said he was very happy, and that we both agreed on a long engagement. He said he hoped next summer but he was leaving it all in my hands. As long as we're together, that's all that really counts he said. He eventually said good bye and hung up the phone. We played volleyball on the beach and ate hot dogs and hanburgers. We had a lot of fun. Everyone stayed until after the fireworks. Once the fireworks were done most people started to leave. The last of our guests left around 10 p.m. Nick asked if I was tired? Why do I look it, I asked him? He said I didn't but he wanted to know if I was up for a night swim. In the ocean I asked him? He said of course. I said but it's dark out there. What if something happens? He said nothing would happen. I begged him not to go, I'm just not comfortable with it. He said he does it all the time, there is nothing to be afraid of. Please Nick, I begged. Please for me, don't go out in the ocean at night anymore. If anything happened out there, I wouldn't be able to find you and even if I did, I'm not a strong swimmer. He said fine, he wouldn't go he'd take a shower instead. I kissed him and apologized for being so paranoid, but if we're going to get married next summer then I want you alive and in one piece. He smiled and said he just said that to his parents. It's my decision, I said it should be our decision. If you think you'll be ready next summer, then I will be too. He said if I hadn't already said yes to his proposal he'd ask me to marry him. He ran up the stairs singing at the top of his lungs. He was still singing in the shower when I went upstairs. I had loaded up the dishwasher but didn't turn on the water for obvious reasons. I sat in the chair waiting for Nick to come out of the shower and I guess I must have dozed off. Nick woke me and told me my bath was ready. He knew I preferred a bath over a shower. I walked into the bathroom and he not only drew my bath, but he made it a bubble bath and had lighted candles lining the tub. I looked back at him and smiled. I'll be out next week I said as I closed the door on him. I stripped out of my clothes and slipped into the tub. The water was perfect. I was relaxed in no time. Nick kept knocking on the door. I'm just making sure you're all right in there he kept saying. After 50 minutes in the tub I turned on the shower and washed the sand and salt water from my hair. I dried off and got dressed. Nick was lying on the bed reading the newspaper. I walked out of the room and he asked where I was going? To start the dishwasher I said. He said leave it until tomorrow. I'll be right back I said. I ran downstairs and turned on the dishwasher. When I turned around it felt like something passed through me. It was the most amazing feeling, I just can't explain it. I smelled a faint smell of baby powder. At least I thought I did. I called for Nick. He came scrambling down the stairs asking what was wrong? I said come here. What do you smell? He said what is it, gas? I said just smell do you smell anything? He said just my powder. I started to cry. He said what am I suppose to smell? I'm sorry Kim, what is it? I told him I wasn't wearing any powder. He looked at me and said okay, then your shampoo. I don't know it smells like baby powder to me, he said. I hugged him and sat down on the floor. He said I was scaring him. I told him what had happened. The feeling I felt as if something or someone passed through me. Then smelled the baby powder too. He said, Christina? I said who else could it be? I don't believe in this spirit, mumbo jumbo stuff, but I can't deny what I felt or what I smelled. He asked if I would be all right? I took a deep breath and said I think so. Nick helped me up off the floor and we went to bed. The next morning the smell of baby powder was gone. I didn't speak of this to anyone but Nick. I didn't want people to think I was losing my mind. Over the next few months Nick and I settled into a normal routine. My brother was now living in my house and I was finally able to clean out Christina's room. Her clothes and stuff were given to charity. I kept a few mementos and the rest was given to family or charity. I haven't felt her since The 4th of July. I do believe it was her though, and what's more important so does Nick.

Chapter 23

Nick and I were flying to California for Thanksgiving. We'd spend it with his family. I was so nervous I didn't sleep very well the night before we left. We arrived the day before Thanksgiving and the airplane and the airport was crowded. Even sitting in first class we felt cramped. Every seat on the aircraft was taken. Maneuvering around Los Angeles wasn't as tough as I thought it would be. There was still traffic but they have carpool lanes that move very well. We took the scenic route to Nick's parent's house. Along the ocean even though it was out of the way. I had now seen the Atlantic and Pacific Oceans. We drove up into the mountains and arrived at Nick's parent's house three hours after we had landed. His family all welcomed me with open arms. They all inspected the rock on my left hand. Nick and his brother and father took off for a walk and I was left with the women. Nick's mom was really nice. She asked me about Christina, which kind of shocked me a little. She said Nick told her that Christina shares his birthday. I said they did. She said no honey, they still do. I smiled, as she knew exactly what to say. She said when is your birthday? I said November 29th. She said that's this weekend. I nodded and said yep, that it is. She said does Nick know this? I said I didn't know for sure. He's never asked. She smiled and said that doesn't mean he doesn't know. He's a smart one, he's probably snooped already. As if on queue Nick and his brother and father walked through the door. His mom looked at me and said watch this, Nick when is Kim's birthday? Without missing a beat he said Sunday, November 29th. I said I never told you that. He said he saw my license once. You did, when I asked him? He said when I left it on the counter one day. He didn't remember exactly which day, but he's well aware that this Sunday is my birthday. I closed my eyes just thinking of what he was capable of. He led me outside and we spent some time alone. We headed back inside as his mother had started dinner and it was almost ready when we left. She had been baking pies all day and preparing for the feast tomorrow. We sat down and I enjoyed a good old-fashioned family dinner again. Mom, dad, and children, each talking a mile a minute. Nick was so much happier here. I was beginning to understand what his mother meant about the "change" in him. He was much more relaxed being around his family. I don't mean to suggest that he's uptight in any way. He's one of the most laid back people I know. Sometimes he's a little childish even. He still keeps a Nintendo 64 game set in his house. He said it relaxes him when he's tense. What ever makes you happy I told him. He kissed me and said his Nintendo 64 and me make him very happy. I had to laugh as I was compared to a video game. I got to know his family a little better and I was beginning to feel more relaxed myself. I helped with the dishes and sat down with Nick and rested my head on his chest. I was really tired. It was only 7 p.m. but 10 in Florida. Nick said to follow him so I did, he said good night everyone we'll see you tomorrow. He ran a bath for me and told me he'd see me soon. I stripped out of my clothes and settled into the warm bath. I could sleep in here, it was that comfortable. I got out of the bath and was stepping into my panties when Nick knocked. He scared me and I said yes, I never in a million years expected him to open the door, but he did. He quickly closed it and apologized. I stood there a little paralyzed over what had just happened. He had seen me naked. I quickly finished dressing and sat down on the side of the tub. I was too afraid to move. He knocked again and asked if I was all right? I'll be out in a minute I said. I stood up and tried to compose myself. I turned off the light before exiting the bathroom. He said he was sorry he didn't mean to walk in on me. I said it was all right, you just surprised me. He tried to hug me but now I felt really uncomfortable. I walked around to my side of the bed and slipped under the covers. Nick took a shower and I laid on the bed frozen, afraid even. He finished with his shower and turned off the light and climbed into bed with me. I had my back towards him and pretended to be asleep. I felt his lips on my cheek as a tear slid from my eye. He draped his arm over my waist and tried to sleep, he was restless and I knew he felt awful. I turned to face him and scooted closer to him. I love you Nick, I said. He said he loved me too. After that I don't remember anything, we woke in the same position the next morning. I found it hard to look Nick in the eyes. He found it hard to look in my eyes too. We busied ourselves with Thanksgiving preparations but his mom knew something was up. She pulled Nick aside when they came back into the kitchen Nick's eyes were wet and red, and he wouldn't look at me. I walked over to him and sat next to him. We didn't do anything wrong, he surprised me but I got over it. Why was this bothering him so much? I grabbed his hand and led him outside. He sat on the cement wall that lined his parent's garden and I sat on his lap. I made him look me in the eye and I said Nick I love you. I'm sorry you feel bad for walking in on me last night, I have to admit that I felt bad for a minute too. But you know what? I said with a smile on my face. He said what? I said we're getting married next summer and I suppose you should know what you're getting yourself into. He laughed out loud at that. I said now don't feel bad, I know you would never do anything to hurt me.

Chapter 24

We went back inside and Nick was his old self again. Joking and laughing and looking me in the eye again. I loved him with every ounce of my being. I never thought in a million years, I'd ever feel this way about another man. Nick's father carved the turkey and his mother placed the food on the tables. Nick's dad led us all in a prayer of Thanksgiving and then ordered us not to leave any leftovers. Otherwise he'd be playing Santa again this year, he patted his stomach as he said it. We all laughed at his joke. After dinner the men retired to the living room to watch football. I helped in the kitchen with the dishes and such. Nick's mom asked what I said to make Nick feel so good? I looked at her and said what did he tell you? She said that he walked in on you last night and felt awful. Like he betrayed your trust. I said, oh my goodness, he didn't do that. I knew it was just an accident. She said she didn't know we hadn't had sex yet. I looked down really embarrassed. She led me into her room so that we could have some privacy. She said it was nothing to be ashamed about. I said it's not that I don't want to sleep with him, it's just that I don't know if either of us are ready and I don't want to disappoint him, and I know he doesn't want to disappoint me. She said we would know when the time was right. We returned to the kitchen and found Nick's sisters arguing over who would do what. Nick's mom said nothing ever changes around here. I smiled as she said that and knew that's what we needed in our lives. After the girls stopped arguing and we cleaned up the kitchen, we served pie and coffee in the living room. I sat with Nick as he routed for his team. Later that night when we were getting ready for bed I asked him to sit down for a minute. He sat down and I said I was thinking. He said uh oh. I smacked him and said hear me out. You seem so at peace here. I know you love your family and you know I love my family. He said but… I said but I think I want to move to California after we get married. He said but what about Tim and Christina? I took a deep breath and said they'll always be with me, but we need a fresh start. I want us to have a good start too. He said but your family will never go for the move. I said you're my family now Nick, it only matters what you think. He smiled and kissed me. I lay back on the bed and he followed me. He kissed me so passionately and then he stopped. I said what's the matter? He said he couldn't… I sat up feeling like I'd done something wrong. He said I want to, but are you ready? I turned and said I want you so badly I ache for you. Why I was crying I don't know. I said but if you are not ready then I can wait. He lowered me back down on the bed and turned off the lights and locked the door. He kissed me and very slowly removed my clothes. He was dressed and I wasn't. He kissed my entire body and made me feel alive again. I sat up and pulled of his shirt and he dropped his pants. We lay beside each other totally naked. This is the closest we had ever come to making love. But we didn't make love that night. He said I want you Kim, I just want to take it slow. I don't want you feeling bad or guilty tomorrow because we made love and you weren't ready. I cuddled closer to him and we both fell asleep. The next morning I woke to find Nick leaning on his side and stroking my cheek. I looked at him and smiled. He asked how I slept? I breathed deeply and said wonderfully. He said his mom and sisters would probably go shopping today if I wanted to join them. I said I'd rather stay with you. He leaned down and kissed me. I got up and walked to the dresser. I was totally naked but didn't care. Nick said would you have felt guilty about last night? I said maybe, but if I did I would have gotten over it. He called me back to the bed. I slipped back under the covers and he climbed on top of me. He asked one more time if I was sure? I pulled his face down to mine and kissed him. Very slowly he entered me. We've known each other 13 months and it was finally happening. He was very good at this and I felt myself give in to what my body had ached for. He brought me to my climax and then he climaxed himself. He told me he loved me more than anyone could love another person. I hugged him and told him I loved him too. We lay on the bed side by side holding hands and just staring into each other's eyes. I asked him if he ever thought he'd be this happy again? He said never in a million years. I said neither did I. We got up and took a shower together. Tim and I never did this I smiled at him. He said Oooh, another first. We got dressed and headed downstairs. We were the only ones home. I said Nick we could have done it anywhere. His eyes got big and he said, I'm going to like you. I smiled and he kissed me. He put his hands on the breakfast nook checking for it's sturdiness and it made me laugh. He said he was kidding. We ate cereal and took a hike in the local mountains. We came back for lunch and had what else, Turkey sandwiches. His family returned around 4, they had done all their Christmas shopping in one day. Nick of course was trying to look in bags but his parents were getting mad at him. He let it slip and said do you really want to live by these people? His mom said what?

Chapter 25

We both started laughing and he said should we tell them? I said you kind of have to now. He sat his family down and told them all that we were getting married on July 4th and would make our home in the mountains of California. They were all so happy, I never felt so much love from a family not my own. Nick's mom hugged me and asked if I was sure? I said as sure as my love for your son. She hugged me again and said I made her as happy as I'd made her son. We ordered out for Pizza that night for dinner. It's a family favorite I guess. We talked about the wedding and I jokingly said my dress would be white, red and blue. They all laughed but I tried to keep a straight face. I said I'm not kidding, I plan on having an American flag as my train. Nick said he didn't realize how eccentric I was. I'm kidding I said. They all laughed. I said I don't know what I'll wear. Something simple I guess. Nick said we're going all out for our wedding, so you go get a dress. I smiled and said we really didn't have to. He said oh yes we did, he wanted to show me off. We made love again that night and got up the next day to go visit some of Nick's relatives. Nick and I took in a movie and went out to dinner. We drove through some of the neighborhoods and Nick said he'd like to stay in the same area as his parents since they had checked out the schools and stuff in the area already. I said schools? Schools for whom? He said well our kids, eventually. Don't you want more children? I never even thought about it. I nodded, unable to speak. Yes I want more children. He wiped my tear and said he didn't want me to shed any tears. He loved me and would do anything to make me happy. I told him I was happy. We made our way back to the house and watched a movie with his family. We went to bed and when I woke up the next morning there were 2 dozen roses beside the bed. I sat up and rose petals were all over the blankets. I turned to Nick who had a rose clenched between his teeth. I laughed when I saw him. He pulled the rose from his mouth and kissed me. Happy Birthday he said. I kissed him back. I said when did you do this? He said while I was sleeping, of course. I said it smells so wonderful in here. He helped me out of my clothes and he made love to me. He was so gentle and loving. I never thought that I'd ever feel this way again. I showered and went downstairs and Nick's mother had made us breakfast. She wished me a happy birthday. Nick and I drove down to the ocean for lunch and to check out the California beaches. We spent the afternoon visiting a lot of California sights, Mann's Chinese Theater, Hollywood Blvd., Rodeo Drive. We did it all then we headed home for a "family" dinner. We walked into the house sunburned and windblown and Nick had arranged a surprise birthday party for me. His family was there and my family was here too. I cried when I saw them walk out of the kitchen. I hugged my mom and dad and asked what was going on? Mom said Nick arranged the whole thing. He felt we should get to know his parents. I turned to look at Nick who was wearing a huge smile on his face now. I said is it any wonder I love him so much? I kissed him and told him let's not wait until the summer. I want to get married now. He said now? I said today, will you marry me? He looked around the room at all the people and didn't know what to say. I said wait a minute and I got down on one knee and said, eh hem, Nick will you marry me? Everyone was laughing now and Nick was turning red. He said baby if you want to get married today, we'll get married today. Everyone cheered and started crying. Nick helped me off the floor and kissed me so passionately everyone was blushing. I looked him dead in the eye and he smiled finally. Nick said someone get me a minister. I laughed Nick's dad asked if we were serious. Nick looked at me and said last chance to change your mind. I said call him. My mom said you'll have to get cleaned up, what are you going to wear? Nick's mom said I have something for you Kim. Nick went up to take a shower and change and I followed his mom into her bedroom. She said she had a dress she used to wear years ago. It doesn't fit her anymore but she thinks it will fit me. She pulled out the most beautiful white dress I'd ever seen. It was a spaghetti strap dress that fell below my knees. It was a little big, but we made it work. I took a shower and put my hair up. I sent my mom up for my make up bag and Nick's dad said the minister was here. Oooh, now I'm nervous. My mom said there is no reason for you to be worried. The minister brought the marriage license and sat and talked to me. He wanted to make sure that I wanted to get married. I said where do I sign? He showed me where to sign and I noticed Nick had already signed. He said okay, whenever you're ready. I said could I have a few minutes? Dad came in and told me he loved me and asked me if I was happy? I asked him if I was doing the right thing? He said do you love him honey? Dad I love him more than life. He said that I'm doing the right thing. He kissed me and said let's get you married.

Chapter 26

Dad led me out of the bedroom and Nick's mom played the wedding march on the piano. I smiled and kept my eyes on Nick, who was in tears. His brother by his side he turned toward Aaron and put his hand on Aaron's shoulder. He turned back and his face was all twisted with emotion he made me cry too. Once dad led me beside him, the minister asked who gives me into holy matrimony. Everyone in the room said we do. I turned and smiled through my tears at them. I slipped my hand into Nicks and he was still crying. I whispered "I love you." He squeezed my hand. The minister had us say our vows and when he pronounced us man and wife the emotions we were holding back came out. I kissed my husband and we ran outside to be alone for a minute. He was pacing and asking me if we were married? I said yes, we are husband and wife. He kept pacing and said he couldn't believe it. I said do you want to do it again? He said are you happy? Was this enough? I said no it's not enough, I want more. He said what? I said I want a family. He said right away? I said do you mind? He said oh no, I don't mind. He kissed me and said he can't believe we did this. I said it's the best birthday present I've ever received in my life. He said oh yeah, it's your birthday isn't it? I smiled and said yes. Now how are you going to top this next year? He laughed and said he didn't know. We walked back inside and Nick's dad had the camcorder and his mom was snapping pictures. Mom asked me if we were all right? I said we just couldn't believe we just did what we did. She laughed and said she still didn't believe it. She called home and everyone knows. Aaron had run down to the Albertsons Grocery store and bought us a wedding cake. It was so unbelievable. We partied well into the early morning, my poor parents were exhausted. Nick and I retired to our room and made love for the first time as man and wife. Nick and I slept in really late the next morning but we were still the first ones up. We snuck out of the house so that we could be alone and also

to purchase two wedding bands. We didn't exchange rings last night. We headed to the jewelry store and window-shopped as they were sized for our fingers. We drove by the church and had the minister bless them and then we slipped the rings on our fingers. The minister wished us a good life and we headed home. We were supposed to leave today but after last night, we decided to stay another day. When we got home everyone was awake in the kitchen. Mom asked where we were? We held up our hands and showed off our matching wedding bands. They applauded and congratulated us again. So what's next Nick's dad asked? Nick looked at me and said kids, kids, and a few more kids. I laughed and said well maybe not that many. He kissed the top of my head and said okay, just kids then. We pretty much lounged around and just stayed together with our families. The next day we said goodbye to everyone, my parent's stayed for a few more days to get to know Nick's family. Our friends met us at the airport and we had another party celebrating our wedding. Later on that evening I told Nick I had to do something and I hoped it wouldn't upset him. He asked if I needed him to drive me? I asked if he minded? He said not at all. We headed to the cemetery and I sat down by the headstone and kissed the top. I spoke mostly to Tim. I hoped he was happy for me. I found happiness again, I never thought I would after you left. I ran my fingers through their names etched in stone. I had this calmness about me, for the first time there were no tears. I asked him to forever take care of our Christina. I placed some flowers at the foot of their headstone and turned to Nick. He asked if I was ready? I asked if he wanted to go to Marianne's grave? He thought a minute and then said no, he was only looking forward now. I smiled and grabbed his hand and we went back home. The next day I turned in my resignation notice and over the next few weeks Nick and I packed up our home. We spent one last Christmas in Florida with my family and then headed West. We stayed with Nick's parents until we could find a house of our own. Once we did find a home, Nick carried me over the threshold. We had a lot of fun decorating the house and trying to conceive a child. We flew back to Florida for Christina's birthday it was Nick's gift to me. I was a little sad that I would be so far away from her. He promised me I would always be able to go home for her birthday. We flew in the night before and met up with our old group. They were glad to see us again so soon. The next morning we headed to the cemetery for Christina's birthday and headed directly to the airport. I said the rest of the year is for you babe. He kissed me and we headed back to California. One week later we got the news we were waiting for I was pregnant. When I got home from the doctor I was really emotional and Nick feared the worst. I couldn't talk because I was so overcome with joy that I just handed him the lab slip from the doctor that said we were pregnant. Nick started to cry too. He held me and I felt his body start to shake from his sobs. He kissed my face all over and asked if I was afraid? I nodded that I was. He said he'd be with me every step of the way, and begged me not to worry. Once I was able to speak I confessed that I didn't want to lose another child. Nick said if he could promise me I wouldn't he would, but all that he could promise was that he'd love me for the rest of my life.

Chapter 27

We called my parents and told them the news. Mom for once was speechless and dad congratulated us. He was going to be a Grandpa again. He was so very excited and mom, all she could do was say she loved me. I told her I'd call her back, we were going over to Nick's parent's house right now. Nick said we're going to have to talk to Uncle Stan sooner than we think. I said why? He asked if he had any influence on California car dealers? I laughed and said I'm afraid not. We had only purchased one car since we'd moved to California, but now Nick wanted to buy another one. He said I have an idea. I just smiled, when Nick got an idea you never know what would happen. Nick pulled onto Auto Row. I said what are you doing? He explained to me his plan and I said it's okay with me. We spent the next three hours purchasing a mini van. We drove over to Nick's parent's house and he ran inside and called his mom and dad outside to see our new van. They asked why we got a van for the two of us? That's when Nick's plan kicked into high gear. He's quite the actor, he said well as you know we want a family… and in 9 months we'll have one. His mom's eyes almost popped out of her head. Then she hugged me and Nick hugged his dad. Then his mom hugged Nick and she wouldn't let go. She was so happy for him he'd be a father after all. I said what? His mom then said Nick, I'm sorry. I didn't mean… I looked at him and his parents and asked what she meant by that? Nick looked down at his feet and when he looked up at me his eyes were over flowing with tears. He said Marianne was pregnant when she died. I felt my heart break for him again and I hugged him and cried. Oh Nick, why didn't you tell me? He said because he knew it wasn't the same as losing a child that it wasn't the same as my losing Christina. I put my hand over his heart and asked him if that child was in here? He said yes, I said then it's the same. Nick's dad opened the door of the van and started to look through the van. He said this is really a great van. We all laughed, Nick's dad loved anything that had to do with cars. We went inside, as it was still very chilly. Over the next few months Nick and I were even more inseparable than we'd ever been. I thought I'd be really emotional being pregnant again but I enjoyed it as much as the first pregnancy. We went in for the ultrasound and we were asked if we wanted to know what we were having? Nick and I said let's be surprised, I asked him if he was sure as he hated surprises? He kissed me and said he had everything he needed in me. I said okay, she said well the babies are fine. Nick and I looked at her. What did you say? She said the babies are fine. We started laughing babies? She said didn't you know? We shook our heads no. Oh I'm sorry the technician said. You are having twins. Nick and I couldn't control our excitement. Twins he kept saying. I said there aren't any twins on my side of the family that I know of. He said his little brother and sister were twins. Well that could be all the genetic connection we needed. Nick and I went home and started to plan for the arrival of two. I called my mother and told her to sit down. She said oh no, what's wrong? I said on the contrary, everything is good. We're having twins! I heard the phone hit the floor and Nick and I started laughing. We got the same response from Nick's parents. So many things had gone wrong in our lives and for once, we would be on the receiving end of a wonderful blessing. The summer was miserable for me. It was hot and muggy and I was huge. Nick said he never thought skin could stretch that much. He treated me like a queen. He rubbed my belly and sang to the babies. When I was placed on bed rest during the last month of my pregnancy he got really scared. I told him it was just precautionary. He didn't care, he never left my side. My water broke on August 10th. Nick made all the calls on the way to the hospital. 8 hours later our precious two little girls were born. We named them Faith and Hope. They were the two ingredients Nick and I lacked in our lives until we found each other. God gave us a second chance at being happy. The least we could do was have Faith and Hope.