CHRISTIAN MARRIAGE SEMINARS

By Revd Dr. Ifechukwu U. Ibeme

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Christian Marriage 1 …
Christian Marriage 2 …
Christian Marriage 3….

CHRISTIAN MARRIAGE 1: CONCEPT AND CUSTOMS

A Seminar Handout by The Rev. Canon Dr I. U. Ibeme

THE CONCEPT OF CHRISTIAN MARRIAGE

Christian Marriage is based on Christ’s teaching in Matt. 19:3-12; Mark 10:1-12; the Apostolic teachings in 1 Cor. 7:8-17,39; Rom. 7:1-3; Heb. 13:4; and the institution/ordination of marriage at creation by God in Gen. 1:27,28; 2:18,22-25. From these the Church has deduced that Christian Marriage is a lifelong union and partnership between one Christian man and one Christian woman to the exclusion of all others (All Anglican Constitutions).

Christian Marriage Solemnisation (or marriage in the Lord i.e. according to God’s ordinance) is marriage in which a Christian man and a Christian woman entering into lifelong, exclusive union, for better for worse, till death parts them, take their vows before God and the Church and seek God’s grace and the Church’s blessing to fulfil such holy and honourable vows. (The Revised Catechism).

Purposes of Marriage are:

(a) for raising godly children (not bastards Deut. 23:2) to continue the human race Gen. 1:28; 1 Tim. 3:4,12; 1 Cor. 7:14;

(b) for guaranteed, lifelong mutual help and comfort irrespective of circumstances Gen. 2:18; Eccl. 4:9-12;

Symbolism of Marriage: Christian Marriage symbolises the covenant union and relationship between God and His people in the O.T. Isa. 54:5; Jer. 3:14; Ezek. 16; Hos. 2:19,20; or Christ and His Church in the N.T. Matt. 9:15; John. 3:29; 2 Cor. 11:2; Eph. 5:22-33; Rev. 19:7; 21:2,9.

NOTE the elements in the above four definitions which distinguish Christian Marriage concept from other marriage concepts in the world today. These include:

(1) Man–Woman partnership (not Homosexual);

(2) Exclusive monogamous union (not Polygamy);

(3) Lifelong, indissoluble covenant relationship (no Divorce);

(4) Joined in God’s name – by God (not by man);

(5) Covenanted according to God’s Word – in the Lord (not worldly contract);

(6) As originally instituted by God (not as innovated by man);

(7) Couples leave parents to cleave together (not under their parents) Gen. 2:24; Ps. 45:10,16;

(8) Wife married to her husband unto the Lord (not to the clan and their idolatry);

(9) Couples to confide first in Christ and each other (not first in outsiders/relatives);

(10) Good, holy and honourable (not a necessary evil). Prov. 18:22

HISTORY OF MARRIAGE CUSTOMS:

In the O.T. during the Patriarchal period, marriage was similar to our traditional marriages of today. Then the authority for marriage joining and dissolution was left in the hands of the Patriarchs as parents and clan elders (Gen. 24:51,60) according to the laws of their time.

After the Exodus, Moses introduced the City-Gate Court of Elders (Deut. 22:15; Ruth 4:11-13) and later the witness of the Priests (Isa. 8:1-3), which took over some of this role.

After the Exile the Synagogues replaced the priests and the city-gate elders.

In the N.T. after the Pentecost, the Apostles shifted such Synagogue witness and blessing functions to the local Church.

All through the ages, Marriage Customs have always had these stages/phases (Deut. 20:7; Matt. 1:18):

(1) First is the Consent/Agreement at which a Suitor and his Sought enter into the process for Confirmation of intentions;

(2) Second is the Commitment/Engagement/Betrothal at which the Suitor-lover and his Sought-beloved become Fiancé and Fiancée respectively, leading to the period of formal Courtship;

(3) Third is the Covenant/Joining/Wedding when the Fiancé–bridegroom and his Fiancée–bride become Husband and Wife respectively, leading to the period of Matrimony (Married Life).

(4) Fourth are the Consummation and then the Continuation till death. (NOTE: Sexual intercourse is the covenant seal and consummation of the marriage covenant).

These days due to lawlessness and immorality many a time, we see people starting “courtship” without betrothal. Some go as far as starting “matrimony” without wedding or even without betrothal! This is clearly the heinous sin of fornication. We must remember that sex is only honourable and safe after wedding and within matrimony. This standard distinguishes humans from animals and believers from unbelievers.

CHRISTIAN MARRIAGE 2: PROCESS AND PRACTICE

A Seminar Handout by The Rev. Canon Dr I. U. Ibeme

THE PROCESS OF GETTING MARRIED.

From what we have already learned, in getting married we need to ensure that we be our best, get God’s best for us, and give no room for the devil; in this way we get the desirable/ideal home. This could only be possible if we do the following properly:

(1) Praying for God’s guidance in choice of marriage partner as early as possible, even by your parents from early age.

(2) Preparing to marry as well as to be married.

(3) Proceeding to marry as you –

a. Choose (desire and decide) according to God’s standards;

b. Find (discover) according to God’s leading;

c. Secure consent/agreement to start confirmation of intentions – clearing doubts, confirming God’s will, securing parental consent, building trust/love and planning together for betrothal and eventual marriage;

d. Make commitment/betrothal to proceed to courtship – hastening to marriage;

(4) Purity and sincerity in all courtship relationships – avoiding all appearance of evil (1 Thes. 5:22), and giving no place for the devil (Eph. 4:27) till after the wedding;

(5) Partaking in godly marriage covenant (wedding), followed by consummation (sexual union) to solemnise and seal matrimony (married life), Thereafter is the continuation with complementary roles that make for the desirable/ideal Christian home.

PASTORAL DISCIPLINE AND SOLUTIONS TO WEDDING PROBLEMS.

Normally when wedding a Christian maiden that has kept herself pure, she wears White wedding gown (Rev. 19:8) with veiled face (Gen. 24:65; Song 4:1) and the order for full wedding service is used. This portrays and promotes chastity before marriage. In other conditions, varieties of very necessary modifications are made to avoid giving false impressions about the Church’s moral standards:

(1) For chaste widows – coloured dressing, unveiled face, but full wedding service;

(2) For unchaste brides – coloured dressing, unveiled face and simple blessing service;

(3) For pregnant brides – coloured dressing, unveiled face and simple blessing service sometimes postponed till after childbirth.

Usually any unchaste or sexually immoral couple whether living together or not, with or without pregnancy before/outside holy wedlock are also deprived of some privileges in the church/fellowship such as non-eligibility for Church office and non-participation in Holy Communion, until repentance and rectification. This equally applies to divorcees, polygamists and their second and subsequent wives and ‘unequally yoked’ members. This is strongly stated in all Anglican Constitutions. The church does not condone sexual immorality in all its forms, as the Scripture teaches.

COMPLEMENTARY ROLES IN CHRISTIAN MATRIMONY.

For any couple to enjoy the favours of Christian Matrimony (Prov. 5:18-19; 18:22; Eccl. 9:9; Song 3:3-5) and please God who ordained it, the husband and wife must understand their complementary roles in the marriage covenant relationship, and fulfil them enthusiastically in the fear of God.

(1) Both husband and wife must have covenant concern, mutual respect and conjugal love towards each other (Mal. 2: 14-16; 1 Cor. 7:3-5; 1 Pet. 3:7);

(2) The husband should lead and rule as the head; while the wife should support and submit as the body (Eph. 5:22-25; 1 Pet. 3:1,5,6);

(3) The husband should cherish his wife, protecting her; while the wife should honour her husband, helping him (Gen. 2:18; Eph. 5:28,29,33);

(4) As the father, the husband should provide for the home; while the wife, as the mother, should keep the home (1 Tim. 5:8; Tit. 2:5);

(5) The husband cleaves to the wife, cheering her up; while the wife desires after the husband, satisfying him (Gen. 2:24,25; 3:16b; Deut. 24:5; Prov. 5:18,19; 1 Cor. 7:3-5).

CHRISTIAN MARRIAGE 3: PRINCIPLES AND PRECAUTIONS

A Seminar Handout by The Rev. Canon Dr I. U. Ibeme

TRUE MARRIAGE

Christ’s teaching on marriage was a denunciation of the marriage standards and patterns accumulated by human cultures and traditions over the ages. For Christ these accumulations of marriage standards are a departure from (and a negation to) the original purpose and pattern at Eden. When Christ declared, “From the beginning it was not so!” (Matt. 19:4-8), He implied that marriage could be TRUE/Holy (As ordained by God in the beginning) or FALSE/Sinful (Not as ordained by God in the beginning). Any multiple “marriage” to any other spouse(s) while the first partner lives is not marriage but adultery or fornication (Matt. 5:32; 19:9; Mark 10:11,12; Luke 16:18). This is the standard for True Marriage taught in the Gospel of Christ.

When Christians approach marriage issues, they must be diligent to distinguish true marriage from the false. For instance marriage is:

FALSE (E.G. TRADITIONAL), WHEN IT IS:

1).Between a couple who hold unto their parents and so, remain separate as two.

2).Dissoluble by Man, Multipliable, Polygamous, Homosexual.

3).Seeks to please people and subservient to the world rather than to Christ.

4).Symbolises human infidelity.

5).Effected by payment of Dowry and Bride Price set by the receiving party.

6).Validated by blessing from Parents, Community, or false gods.

7).Non-binding, but valid as long as interest lasts (1 Cor. 7:12-16).

8). Biblically described as the rest who HAVE A WIFE/HAVE A HUSBAND they live with (1 Cor.7: 12,13).

TRUE (I.E. CHRISTIAN), WHEN IT IS:

1).Between a couple who leave their parents and so, become joined as one. (Mark 10:6-9; Ps. 45:10,16)

2).Indissoluble by Man, Exclusive, Monogamous, Heterosexual.

3).Seeks to please Christ and operates from heaven above the powers of this world.

4).Symbolises Divine covenant fidelity.

5).Effected by Covenant Vows based on standards set by Christ.

6).Validated by blessing from God through the Church and its Ministers.

7).Binding as long as life lasts and valid till death (1 Cor. 7: 10,11,39; Rom. 7: 1-3).

8).Biblically described as the truly MARRIED (1 Cor. 7: 10).

It goes without saying that the best of traditional, civil, or other marriages, cannot qualify as true marriage to a Christian. At best, they serve as mere engagements and should not warrant a Christian man to take/have a woman as his wife. Those married before conversion are permitted to patch-on in peace as long as the unbelieving partner is willing (1Cor. 7: 12-16). If both become converted, their marriage must take a new form in accordance with holy ordinance of the Gospel of Christ (Mark 10: 6-12; Rom. 7:1-3; 1Cor. 7:1-11), and then it could be described as being in the Lord. (1 Cor. 7: 39)

True Marriage is therefore a public marital union between one man and one woman who are both in the Truth of Christ, and who resolve solemnly to live exclusively as man and wife for life in accordance with the Truth of Christ’s Gospel.

PRECAUTIONS IN THE COURSE OF GETTING MARRIED

We have already seen that to get married one goes through the phases/stages of

- Choice and Finding,

- Consent and Confirmation,

- Commitment (Engagement) and Courtship,

- Covenant (Wedding) and Consummation, then

- Continuation in Complementary roles.

For each turn of these phases there are precautions that Christians must be well advised to take.

1. CHOICE and FINDING

(i). Believers should marry only fellow believers (1Cor. 7:39; 9:5; 2Cor. 6:14-`7) after having prayed to God for help and guidance (Gen 24: 12-19).

(ii). Only believers are determined to base relationships and conflict resolution on the Word of God and commitment to Christ. Unbelievers depend on ever shifting opinions, interests, and philosophies – lacking any sure basis for agreement (Amos 3:3). Form of virtue not anchored on God’s Word is unreliable. If you are a believer, save yourself the heartache of not being able to please God all through your married life!!!

(iii). Those getting married should have come of age (males from about 25years old and females from about 20years old usually). They must first be born again by the Holy Spirit through a lively faith in Christ.

(iv). Before choosing a marriage partner believers must have prepare themselves to become:

(a) Mature in human relations and sense of responsibility.

(b) Knowledgeable in basic teachings on Christian Marriage.

(d) Ready for marriage – Physically, Socially, Mentally, Financially, and Spiritually.

(e) Experienced in knowing God’s will and used to seeking God’s guidance.

(v). Your marriage partner should be someone you truly love, a mature Christian, with compatible religious and social background, compatible educational status, tastes, visions, interests and age brackets. This is to avoid tensions and conflicts.

(vi). Our choice must be determined by our desire and decision to meet God’s standards for marriage. Whom we find to marry is determined by how we depend on and follow God’s leading.

2. CONSENT and CONFIRMATION

(i). Usually it is the man who proposes and the woman who accepts marriage intentions. The man finds the wife as God leads him to choose. (Gen. 24:27; Pr. 18:22; 16:9; 19:14, 31; Ps. 37:23, 31). However, there was the unusual instance of Ruth (Ruth 3:6-9).

(ii). After being peacefully assured of God’s leading, the brother proposes to the sister in simple and plain language (Gen. 24:33). After prayerful and sincere consideration, the sister accepts the proposal or rejects as the case may be.

(iii). Waiting for a brother to propose or for a sister to accept may take a long time. A brother or sister should wait as long as he or she still has the conviction to do so (Gen. 24:49-58).

(iv). In rejecting proposals, sisters should be polite, considerate but plain enough. Brothers on the other hand should not take, “I won’t marry you” to mean, “We are enemies”.

(v). Christian believers do not think about nor condone boyfriend and girlfriend propositions as practiced in the world today. These must be shunned together with their usual carnal affection and sexual intentions. The Church is the household of God and we must treat ourselves as the Bible teaches in 1Tim. 5: 1-3, with all purity and respect (1 Pet. 1:22; 3:8-12).

(vi). After being sure that they have agreed to marry, the couple must inform their parent and pastors or fellowship leaders as soon as possible. This opens doors for counselling while shutting out mistakes and regrets.

(vii). Before going further your consents must first be confirmed i.e. clearing doubts like HIV and SS tests, confirming God’s will, securing parental consent, building trust/love and planning together for betrothal and eventual marriage.

3. COMMITMENT (Engagement) and COURTSHIP

(i). Engagement is not wedding. When two mature Christians (a male and a female), having agreed to marry each other enter into a betrothing commitment, they are said to be engaged. This usually involves the consent of their parents and/or pastors.

(ii). Courtship is not marriage. It is the period between the engagement and Church Wedding. Others may, but Christians cannot afford to indulge in sexual relations before their wedding: no matter how far they have gone with traditional engagement ceremonies. Don’t defile your relationship. You can wait till you are TRULY MARRIED!!! (1 Cor. 6:18,19; Eph. 5:1-7; 1 Thes. 4:2-8; Heb. 13:4)

(iii). Couples in courtship should appoint times to pray. With the wisdom of God’s Word, they should build each other up in the faith; discuss family plans, visions, views, and ministries. They should learn how to adjust to and respect each other, love and be loved in all purity. They must avoid staying behind closed doors, late nights, or in dark corners. Flee evil appearances to glorify of God and be serious with fellowship and Church activities.

(iv). Sexual relationship (or its appearance of fondling and petting must be avoided at all cost during courtship. Some who have tried to play with the fire of passion have gotten themselves burnt bearing scars of fornication and guilt. (1Thes. 5:22; 1 Cor. 6:18; Jas. 4:7).

(v). There are safe and honourable ways to show love, which are also inexpensive.

(Gen. 24:22; Phil. 4:8), e.g. letters, notes, texts, books, cards, flowers, helps, advice, smiles, and affordable gifts.

(vi). Christian couples in courtship must mean to marry (not to try-out themselves). Apart from fornication, other dangers to avoid during courtship include: Deceit, suspicion, betrayal of confidence, neglect, discouragement, loss of interest, disengagement, etc.

(vii). Some laws, customs, and traditions are usually encountered during courtship. The Church agrees that some of these should not be despised but be utilised to serve for betrothals, but never as marriage union or joining. For instance involvement of the extended family, payment of bride price to the bride’s parents, or dowry to the bride by her parents or by the groom and court registration of marriage.

(viii). In following these practices Christians should refuse to be dragged into idolater, or practices that are against the Word of God. Nevertheless, gentleness, steadfastness, wisdom and patience are needed in handling such issues. Sound counselling is important here.

(ix). Courtship is a time to ensure that the parent and relative agree to willingly release the couples so they could effectively leave their parents to be joined as one flesh. It is also the time to approach marriage councillors, pastors, and elders, Christian books and seminars on marriage, are important at this time. (Pr. 11:14; 15:22).

4. COVENANT (Wedding) CONSUMMATION and CONPLEMENTING

(i) For Christian believers, the wedding day marks the beginning of Holy Matrimony or True Marriage. It is the day that true marriage is publicly contracted, enacted and celebrated.

(ii). The wedding service is a public examination of the basis of marriage, demonstration of consent, declaration of marriage covenant vows, and joining in the name of Christ.

(iii). In choosing the wedding date, all concerned must be considered; not only the couple, but also their parents, and the church and the officiating ministers.

(iv). Appoint and ascertain officials, Ministers, and venues well ahead of time. Give adequate publicity. Plan a brief ceremony according to your pocket and to God’s glory. Rejoice for marriage is God’s favour for your good (Ps. 118:23,24). It is you day of royalty (Ps. 45).

(v). Arrange adequate privacy and procure your own home for the honeymoon consummation (Gen. 2:22-25; Deut. 24:5; Song 4:6), and for the continuation of the married life.

(vi). For the continuation of matrimony to be enjoyable, it must have a relationship nurtured by the couple playing their complementary roles well (as outlined in Seminar 2 handout).

Revd Dr. IFECHUKWU. U. IBEME

Last revised: October 24, 2005