| A heartwarming, completely unsolicited message from Wilkey Hello, adoring fans, and welcome to my new hilarious syndicated email show "Whose line is it"..being typed".anyway!" At least until I think up of a better title. Since my ego wasn't satisfied with merely telling my horrible jokes to family members and pets, I've decided to harass people electronically. I introduce you to my new world of improvised typecast humor that will probably suck and only be sent out once a month. You can choose to unsubscribe at any time by replying to this email with "UNSUBSCRIBE" written in the subject heading, a file attachment of a dancing baby, a 600 word essay of why you want to unsubscribe, your full name and address, and what time you shower. After this I will promptly subscribe you to over 100 spam services in spite. Since I enjoy "spreading the love," if you want to subscribe some other poor sob, email me with his/her address and "Subscribe" in the subject heading. I'll then sign him/her up for some spam as punishment for not joining earlier. INTERVIEW CORNER EDDY MURPHY- Thank you for accepting this interview WILKEY- No problem EDDY MURPHY- So Tom, let me ask you, where do you get your ideas? WILKEY- Well Ed, you mind if I call you Ed? EDDY MURPHY- Not at all. WILKEY- Plagiarism tends to get the best results. Few things are more "inspiring" than a Jay Leno or Conan O?Brien joke book, if you get my drift. If I'm really desperate, I'll use the same joke over again, except with "Jews" in the place of an ethnic group. For example: "What do you get when you cross a witch with an iceberg? : A cold spell" � "What do you get when you cross a Jew with an iceberg? : A cold spell" EDDY MURPHY- Fascinating. We'll continue this later WILKEY- Right on man. LAFF o' THE DAY It's very embarrassing when you receive what you think is a gag gift from a friend, when it actually turns out to be a heartfelt and sincere tribute. WILKEY- Ha ha! Thanks for the Budwieser Frog beer cozy! This is wicked funny! Ha ha! My friends will get a kick out of this! GIRL- *lip quivers* I'm glad you like it. *runs out of house crying* I've ruined more than one relationship to that mistake. This sort of thing happens in reverse as well. Bad gifts I have given- Origami, a "Bake it like a man" cook book, a plant, a pre-made card upon which was hastily glued "Because it's your birthday, these kittens will have to be blown up," a ruined Scrabble set, a can of Coke that wasn't mine, a gift certificate for JCPennys, sweatpants, etc. When your birthday is coming up, fear me. (note, this piece suggests that the author has been in a relationship. We regret this error and any confusion it may have caused) TIDBITS TITLE FIGHT Mike Tyson vs. Human Dignity MIKE TYSON- This motha' is going down like my girlfriend on Christmas eve! ~ MOTHER- Billy, don't forget you lunch! BILLY- Lunchables? Sa-WEET! MOTHER- Also Billy, your father and I are going to have a divorce BILLY- Lunchables? Sa-WEET! ~ Freedom Brand potato chips- Now 20% more free ~ A man walks into a bra and gets in touch with his feminine side (I love that one) ---------------------------------------------------------------------- FUN "FAX" Did you know that the human body generates enough anger to heat a thousand homes for a thousand years? Did you know that human waste exits the body in three forms, urine, feces, and goth poetry? Did you know that your continued existence is more harmful to the environment than if 10,000 acres of rainforest is cut down every week? These will improve over time. I swear |
| Wilky's newsletter 1st edition: (1/19/03) |