9.5.00 1:09 pm I am moved in.
my room is a disaster area. I miss drew. I miss my own place, my own bathroom,
my own refridgerator, even the syrup stains. shit that picture came
out bigger than it should have. oh well. i forget to resize things. oh
well drew, sweety i just made you huge. cos you know one day your gonna
finally get your new phoneline and be on the computer all of the time and
then your going to look at this page and be like... hmm i wonder if becky
put any pictures of me up there, well sure enough i did. ha! love it or
leave it. anyways. yeah i started my final year of undergrad, i start my
internship next monday. oooooooh ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. im not sure what im
going to be doing, all i know is that its with kennedy kreiger's family
center. hmm yeah. usually im a lot more entertaining. but i suppose today
im just not. So what is new: i saw jets to brazil again the other
night, still rockin, evolving into something very pop-ish. not sure
what to think. sex creates trouble-- i will not elaborate on this. basically
hanging out with jessica. oooooh i went shopping with my brother on monday..
i got some jeans, grey pants, brown skirt, navy blue pants. and everything
fits nicely... cept the jeans are kinda big. oh well, if i gain back all
the weight i lost, i have room to spare. i need to put some more recent
pics up. i suppse. drew scaned all the good ones, i dont know where he
is hiding them online. i know they are in his directory somewhere. anyways
im going to clean now.
xo-becky||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
t<-
thats my former roomate... ladies hes availible. *snicker*s
8.27.00 12:31am now im really moving out.
tomarrow morning. this is the last night i will be sleeping in my
apartment. This should be exciting-- but really i just want to lay
around and cry my eyes out. Im very resistant. Im not sure
why im mad. It shouldnt be a big deal. There is a differnce
between a house and a home... and tomarrow i become part of a new house....
it will be a while before it will feel like home. A new place where
i will be a new face... a no one. I will hide away. im so terrified
that i will dissaper into reclusivness. And suddenly all that crap i talked
about in theapy is beginning to make sense. I did it again tonight. Im
sorry drew. -- i wish i could tell you what im talking about,
maybe tomarrow. I wish you were here, i wish someone were here. So
i went to my new house... everyone was home... we watched battlebots, and
i had a miller lite... yuck. man these boys need to learn some beer.
im either highclass or no class... not working class with my beers.
shit. miller lite.-- maybe at a cookout, but shit. if im gonna be watching
battlebots... im all about the natty boh. Man what the hell..? i
dont get it, why choose miller lite over budweiser? it doesnt make sense.
regarless i sat on the floor listening to inane conversations, wishing
i was some place else. i cant share this shit with them. I
just feel kinda repressed. I wish there was other crap to talk about but
there isnt really. school will start next week and then things will
perk up. i hope i meet some new people, or get to know old ones better.
I need to shut up and make the best of it. maybe i should just go
to sleep. fuck it. it will all be taken care of, over and done with by
thursday. and then i can be miserable and alone in my new bedroom
that is the size of my current living room. weird huh? goodnight
moon. stars, sharnee, chad, drew, jess, sam prekop, mom, dad, bobert, drunken
crush boy, cat, mike kinsella, charmander, squirtle, pandora, domo,
valentine, mookie, banjo, nicky in kitty heaven, and all my exboyfriends.
kisses and fairy tale endings.
8.26.00 2:09am Here i am on the verge
of moving out. on the verge of changing my life. on the verge
of something or other. i don't want to fall asleep because i know that
it will be the last time i might sleep here, though that will probably
be tomorrow night. regardless of when it is going to happen, its going
to happen. im depressed. My parents separated a year ago, and
even though i wasn't living at home it still hit me pretty hard.
My dad moved out of the family home, then my grandmother moved in.
After i moved out, they didn't keep a room for me. So basically the house
that i considered home for about 16 years, no longer is my home... sure
i grew up there, but im at a point where i am totally disassociating myself
with that house. anyways im moving into my cousins which i've said
before, and that wont feel like home for a while either, im leaving *my*
apartment. Its my apartment. My name is on the lease, i've
lived here for two years. Its my home.... it took a year for it to feel
like that. The first person who i lived with was basically a bad
match for me as a roomate. Don't get me wrong, i love casey... i've
known the guy since 2nd grade, but he has some quirks that just don't fit
me, and i didn't really fit him either. Then a year ago... probably
exactly... drew moved in. We've had rough spots, but over the
past year.. he has become my closest friend in the world. We share
a lot. I just basically wanted to document this for him, and let
him know how much i am going to miss him. How much im going to miss
all the late night hugs, all the Conan, all the view, all the Roseanne,
all the boy meets worlds, all messes in the kitchen, all the cigarettes
i've bummed from you, all the times you had underwear problems, all the
80's mp3s, all the political arguments when we both really know nothing,
all the ice cream, all the over due videos, all the naps, all the idiosyncrasies
i know about you that annoy the fuck out of me, but i love you anyways,
all the times i was jealous of yr prospective girlfriends, all the times
i ditched you to have sex with my exboyfriend, all the one time you ran
out of gas, all the pizza boxes, all the phone books, all the boys you
tried miserably to introduce me too, all the times we overslept and skipped
class, all the times we acted like an old married couple, all the times
we recorded answering machine messages, and all the the times i've said
how much i care about you... i meant it. so color me sentimental,
im going to miss comming home to my bestfriend. anyway. its 2:33
now and i have to get to bed. more packing tomarrow, i have to be
at work in a few hours.
8.23.00 so he is alive. at
least i know that much. not to be cryptic and all, but i at least
know that he is alive. I don't know exactly if he wants to be talking to
me, but he is. Its hard knowing that someone you care about very
much, doesn't really care for you. There really is no conversation. My
stomach hurts really badly. its time for bed... 1:35 am.
8.22.00 so i just woke up and i have more packing
to do. I had sweet dreams last night about walking to utah to visit my
friend chad. it was kinda sad when you think about it. In my
dream we went to mcdonalds, and they had all sorts of funny shit on the
menu... a double big mac, called the mc'ultra burger. I remember
when i was in wisconsin last year they had bratwurst on the menu. At one
point i remember (im in MD) that they had crab cakes on the menu. Man Mcdonalds
is really humorous, I don't eat there very often.. i don't like what
it does to my tummy. But i love how they turn everything into a scottish
delicacie, the McRib, Mc'Salad shaker, Mc' Flurrie, Mcbreakfast fajitas
or whatever. Hmm i could go for a breakfast fajita right about now.
shit im hungry i havent eatin anything yet today. I need to pack,
get some food, i need new shoes too. But as for right now i just kinda
want to sit around in my underware listening to chavez. They were
one of those bands that i heard a few songs of and at first i really didn't
like it too much.. but going in deeper, listening to their albums...they
fucking rock. I like to rock. I want to rock and roll all night and
party everyday! or something like that.... i hate kiss. I wish they would
stop.. the 70's ended 20 years ago. they're all a bunch of fatsos
in pants that are too tight for them. i really should just go and
put some shit into my car. i feel bad. my mom is making me nervous that
i wont get any packing done. I have to be out of here in 9 days and
i havent hardly started. My mom and g'ma rampaged my living room
yesterday so i at least know that that part is done. I mean my room
is just books, clothes, girly shit, and cds, stereo equipment and a computer.
theres not much more too it, regardless, i have boxes all over the fucking
place and i just need to load up my lil geo that could, and drop that shit
off. Thats not so hard, its not like i can really fit much into my
car anyways... but just enough to get it out of the way and make me feel
like i did something. allright so maybe i just need to get off my
ass, and do something. Oh someone give me the motivation to do this.
How hard can it be... to get up put my pants on, lift some shit, take it
down the steps, load it into my car, and take it down the street to my
cousins.
Allright so i becky, decided to add on to this
page, by putting in my two cents. I think this will be the page that
i ramble on, drew my roomate says he likes to read my online ramblings...
they're not that funny. I wish i knew what i was doing. Sharnee
called me today 8.21.00, and asked for kevin bacon, i thought it was pretty
funny. its nice getting calls all the way from japan. It makes me
feel important... globally connected. i'm on the jetset. So here
it is monday night, i just watched 7th heaven on the WB, thats quality
televison let me tell you... it made me cry. I like how they end
each show with a sermon from rev. camden. Im not a hardcore 7th heaven
fan or anything, but since there was nothing on and im extreamly bored...
it served its purpose. Im moving in a week, leaving my first apartment,
moving into my cousins. I took my mom and g'ma over there today and
there was a hash pipe sitting out on the coffee table and some leather
S&M belt type thing... big spikes and hoops ( i guess for a leash)
regardless, my grandmother picked it up and said 'this is something i really
didn't need to know about my grandson.... i thought that that was
hysterical. Blah, im lonely and i need a boyfriend. I know the URL
is idonthaveboyfriends, but you know, its pretty lonely with out one. sometimes
they can be more trouble than they're worth. I swore back when i
was about 15.. im 21 now, i'll be 22 in october, that i would never be
the kind of girl that has to have a boyfriend all the time, but at this
juncture. im home alone on a monday night with nothing to do... and im
thinking shit some sex would be pretty damn good about now. They
say "self love is the best love"-- Im not really up for that, there is
something way better about having someone else touch you. Im not a hornball
sex kitten or anything, im just kinda lonely and could go for some makin
out. I need to meet more guys. I have this habbit of
rambling on to certain internet friends about how lonely i am... but the
fact of the matter is... I bring it upon my self. i could meet guys..
im a fucking hottie. Those pictures do me no justice-- lemme tell
ya. regardless, im just kinda bored and could use some company.
So maybe its not a matter of wanting a piece of ass, its more about wanting
company... of the male persuasion.
Im a relentless flirt. i havent done it in a
while so im a bit out of practice. I like a man with scars. i don't
like pretty boys. Manly men. Im tired of baby faces, i want a man
who has to shave everyday. I realized that i keep getting older and
I keep winding up with guys who are 19. no more of that shit for me.
I need a man who can by me drinks and take me back to his place.. not sodas
and then back to the dorms. Funk dat. he works hard for the
money, so hard for it honey. I want a modest life.
regardless, without having boyfriends... i wouldnt
be able to relate to all the sad love songs about heart break.
songs by kermit the frog, are really sad and
honest... theres a commercial for the sage colored IMAC and it has its
not easy being green in it, kermit the frog sounds so sad and tragic.
Kermit was feeling it man... it really isnt easy been green, the color
of leaves.
anyways back to my discussion on the importance
of boyfriends. Yeah for me, i have relationship probs with my dad,
boyfriends are really good at compensating for that. Im not talking
all electra complex or anything. But seriously... i have issues,
and i like attenchion from males cos it makes me feel better about myself...
so yeah im facking needy. anyways. I give up. I just wanted
to share the genius that is sharnee... this is her discussion about a drunk
guy i met in a bar last week.....::: Oh shit... i was going to cut and
paste it in... but i suppose i deleted it... shucks. damn. regardless,
it said don't be affraid of the nice drunk guys that you meet, people don't
get much lower than when they are drunk, and if they seem like good people
when their drunk, then they are better sober. I understand her logic.
It makes since. sharnee=brilliant. I wish i didn't delete that message..
..it was pure accident. anyways i give up... enough for tonight.
I have to take a wiz.
goodnight... over and out--- end transmission.