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 News Release: New Element Discovered

The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by
physicists. The element, tentatively named Administratum, has no protons
or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However it does have:

          1 neutron.
        125 assistant neutrons
         75 vice-neutrons
        111 assistant vice-neutrons

This gives it an atomic mass of 312. The 312 particles are held together
by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles
called morons.

Since it has no electrons, Administratum is inert. However, it can be
detected chemically as it impedes every action with which it comes in contact.
According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administratum causes one
reaction to take four days to complete when it would have normally occurred in
less than one second.

Administratum has a normal half-life of approximately three years, at
which time it does not actually decay but instead undergoes a
reorganization in
which assistant neutrons, vice neutrons, and assistant vice-neutrons exchange
places. Some studies have shown that atomic mass actually increases after each
reorganization. Research at other laboratories indicates that Administratum
occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points
such as government agencies, large corporations, and universities and can
usually be found in the newest, best appointed, and best maintained buildings.

Scientists point out that Administratum is known to be toxic at any level
of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reaction where it is
allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how.
Administratum can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results
to date are not promising.
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