Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.
--Elbert Hubbard
 

Genius may have its limitations,
but stupidity is not thus handicapped.
--Elbert Hubbard

May the forces of evil
become confused on the way to your house.
--George Carlin

Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.
--Dave Barry

The secret to creativity
is knowing how to hide your sources.
--Albert Einstein

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.
--Hector Berlioz

Know thyself? If I knew myself, I'd run away.
--Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
 

Dedicated to my sister Bea, for whom smoking is a HOBBY...
Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
--Fletcher Knebel
 
 

I am patient with stupidity, but not with those who are proud of it.
--Edith Sitwell

Suppose you were an idiot
and suppose you were a member of Congress.
But I repeat myself.
--Mark Twain
 

I'm living so far beyond my income
that we may almost be said to be living apart.
--e.e. cummings

The brain is a wonderful organ.
It starts working the moment you get up and does not stop
until you get into the office.
--Robert Frost

Business conventions are important
because they demonstrate how many people
a company can operate without.
--Unknown
 

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour.
Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute.
THAT'S relativity.
--Albert Einstein

I've always wanted to be somebody,
but now I see I should have been more specific.
--Lily Tomlin

Life is what happens to you
when you're making other plans.
--Betty Talmadge
 

God gave us all a penis and a brain,
but only enough blood to run one at a time.
--Robin Williams

There's so much comedy in television.
Does that cause comedy in the streets?
--Dick Cavett

Ours is a world where people don't know what they want
and are willing to go through hell to get it.
--Don Marquis
 

Programming today is a race between
software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs
and the universe trying to build bigger and better idiots.
So far, the universe is winning.
--Rich Cook