Just Charles vs. Noid
 

"City of Angels" by The Distillers blasts out, as the Battle Of The Turds
logo appears on screen for a few seconds, followed by a few clips of the
feud between Noid and Charles played over the music.

***Fireworks hit off around the sold out Madison Square Garden in New York,
as "City of Angels" continues to play, and the fans go nuts as the pyros
come to a finish. Tonight, two of ICW's top names - past and present - will
go at it, after a feud spanning a mere month, in the name of pointless
violence.***

Matt: WELCOME, to tonight's Battle of the Turds! I'm Matt Hayes, and with me
as always is my sidekick, Jamie K!

Jamie: WHOOO! Hey, whaddaya mean, "sidekick"?

Matt: Tonight we were supposed to be having a Three Way match featuring
Charles, Noid and Archie Boyd, but unfortunately Archie has decided to
remain at home with Celeste, and cannot be here tonight.

Jamie: Scumbag. I knew he wouldn't show!

Matt: Would you?

Jamie: Not against Charles. Just Charles.

Matt: But for now, lets show how this bizarre match came about.

***"City of Angels" plays again as footage is shown of Charles becoming Just
Charles - his wrestling alter ego - and of Noid in his days with  Bubba
Frost, as well as recent times, when their paths crossed for the first
time.***

Matt: And now, to start the match off, here's MICHAEL BUFFER!

Jamie: Ha. you said "buffer."

***Some unspectacular music plays, and the fans cheer as Michael Buffer
walks to the ring, in his tux and red bow tie.***

Buffer: Ladies and Gentlemen. the following contest is scheduled for ONE
fall, and features two of the biggest names in Valeting -***

Jamie: Is "Valeting" a word? I think he makes this crap up.

Buffer: So without further ado. introducing first, standing at 3 feet and 2
inches.  weighing a mere 83 pounds. the former friend of ICW great Bubba
Frost. he is. NOOOOOOOID!!!

***"Party Hard" erupts from the MSG PA, as Noid appears on the ramp wearing
a pair of custom shorts, taped fists and a gray robe with the hood up. He
looks like a dwarf boxer. He shadow boxes his way to the ring, as the crowd
jeer him, and paper cups fly in his general direction. He dodges his short
ass underneath them all and takes the mic from Buffer***

Matt: See that? He kicked Buffer in the shin to get the mic!

Jamie: Yeah, hes my hero.

Noid: Its come to my attention that a lot of the guys in the back have some
heat with the Short One, so after this match, after I'm done wiping my ass
with this "Charles" guy I'll have to -

***Noid is cut off by some cheesy superhero music, as the camera cuts to
backstage, where Charles is making his was to ringside. He walks through the
corridors, head bowed, looking at no one. Walking a few feet behind is God's
Favourite Wrestler - The Dragon - in pinstriped suit, bowler hat, with a
silver tipped cane. Don't ask why.***

***All those Charles passes watch on in awe. He passes Luscious Larry, who
pats him on the back. He passes Bob, who actually BOWS to the spaz. He
passes a make up girl, who passes her number to him. He passes Firestorm,
who nods in a manly way at Charles, and scowls at the Dragon.***

Jamie: My God! Business is about to pick up, Charles. Just Charles, is here!

Matt: And will you listen to those chants?

***Chaaaaaarles. Chaaaaaarles. Chaaaaarles.***

Jamie: Goldberg WHO?

***Long, tense moments pass. The lights dim, and Charles stumbles through
the curtains, flanked by Rik in his suit. Charles appears to be a little
anxious about his match, and refuses to walk any further... but the fans
erupt, and the dormant Just Charles awakens!***

***He runs behind the curtain, and just 15 seconds later, Just Charles
emerges, complete with cape and bandana, and "Suckerpunch", by Bowling for
Soup takes over the PA, as Just Charles jogs to ringside to a huge pop from
the crowd as he poses on the ring posts.

***What can we say? The people LOVE Charles... Just Charles.***

Jamie: Uh oh. Rik's coming to our table!

Matt: Maybe he heard the stuff you were saying? You're in for it now, HA!

Rik: Move over Scrunchy, the Chosen One is here to talk.

***Back in the ring, Noid and Charles are in their separate corners, and
Michael Buffer raises the microphone he has just wrestled back from Noid***

Buffer: Ladies and Gentlemen. are you ready? I said. ARE. YOU. READY?! Then,
for the thousands in attendance, and the millions watching around the world.
LETS GET READY TO RUMBLLLLLLLLLLLLLLEEEE!!!

Matt: The timekeeper rings the bell, and the match is officially under way.

Jamie: Charles better have brought some incontinence pants, cos Noid is
gonna kick the crap outta him!

Rik: How did you know about his incontinence problem?

***Both "competitors" circle each other as Buffer exits the ring, and they
waste no time in tying up in the middle. They lock up, and Noid comes out
with a swift succession of kicks to the shin. Just Charles releases Noid,
and runs howling around the ring***

Rik: C'mon JC! Buck up!

Jamie: Did you actually say "buck up" then?

***Noid turns to the crowd and poses as they jeer, and seeing him
distracted, Just Charles grabs him from behind by the ears, and swings him
around by the head***

Matt: Its Just Charles with the upper hand after that devastating. Oh for
crying out loud! I bet that's illegal!

Rik: He learned from the best.

Jamie: What's with the tux anyway?

Rik: Gotta look my best, I'm on national TV man!

Matt: Ouch, Noid is finally on the ground, after Charles released that
bizarre hold. Charles is advancing on Noid now, and applies a pretty good
looking sleeperhold!

Jamie: That looks like a choke to me. The ref should call this match in
Noids favour!

Matt: The ref is actually in the corner laughing his ass off!

***Noid is too close to the ropes, and JC releases the hold as both men
climb to their feet. Charles makes another run for Noid, who runs under his
legs. ***

Rik: Oh, he'll regret that in the morning, I think he got some Charles Juice
in his hair, know what I'm sayin'?

Matt: What the hell is that brown crap? Oh. I see.

***Noid is infuriated from getting shit in his hair, and tackles Charles at
the ankles. Just Charles is screaming for mercy, and holding onto his
precious shiny boots, as Noid hoist JC's legs in the air. He appears to be
going for a head butt to the groin, but thinks better of it, for obvious
reasons.***

Rik: "I pity the foo' who attempts that move" as Mr T would say.

Matt: Noid decided for another tactic, and has mounted Just Charles, and for
the first time in this match, we're seeing some real aggression as Noid
punches away on Charles!

***Noid is delivering some hard left and right to JC. Noid gets up off JC,
who curls into a ball, and Noid climbs onto the top turnbuckle***

Rik: Yaaaaa! Booo!! Hope you're not scared of heights, midget!

Matt: hey, you cant do that! Kendell Just threw a paper cup at Noid, who
loses his balance, and falls into the ring in a heap!

Jamie: Ha! Rik, you're right, midgets ARE funny!

***Gods Favourite Wrestler laughs into the speakers, drowning out the other
two commentators, as JC climbs to his feet and puts the boots to Noid. He's
stomping on him hard, and using the ropes for leverage***

Jamie: Cheater, cheater!

Rik: Ah, the old "Stomp n' Run" tactic! Good stuff!

Matt: Look at the little spaz go!

***As JC is sprinting around the ring Noid sticks a stubby leg out and trips
JC. Noid applies a bizarre, half-assed crossface to JC. As JC is flailing
his arms around, he catches the referee, who trips and lands heavy on a
turnbuckle, knocking himself out cold. As the referee drops, "Party Hard"
erupts from the speakers and all eyes turn to the stage, as BUBBA FROST
sprints down the ramp to the ring!!***

Rik: Aw shit, gotta go, catch later stinky!

***The Dragon drops his head set and runs to the ring to intercept Frost.
Frost pulls Noid of JC  and is about to pull JC up, when The Dragon spins
him around and swings at him with the silver tipped cane. Frost ducks, boots
Kendell to the midsection, takes the cane and aims a shot at Riks stomach
with the cane. Rik dodges, and Noid takes it in the face instead.***

Matt: It Frost! BUBBA FROST is BACK!

Jamie: Thank God, some semblance of order at LAST tonight!

Matt: WHAT?!

***As Frost is distracted by a now bloody Noid, Rik assists Just Charles up,
and they execute a double clothes line on Frost. As both Frost and the
midget are down, Charles ducks in a corner, and waits for Nodi to get up***

Jamie: C'mon Bubba, get up!

Matt: What the - ? I know Rik is a former cruiser weight, but is this the
right time to go up top!?

***Charles runs off the ropes, and drops a killer legdrop on Frost as he
tries to get up. The impact and/or smell knock him out. Rik is now upstairs,
and Noid regains his feet and walks straight into a SUPERPUNCH!***

Jamie: My God! Won't Clash do anything? This must be illegal!

***Charles heads off the ropes again, as Rik readys himself on the
turnbuckle***

Matt: Rik goes up high. a Moonsault on Frost!

Jamie: Charles hits a legdrop on Noid!

Both: JEEZ, DON'T YOU WIPE!?

***Rik goes for a cover on Frost and calls for JC to cover Noid. The referee
crawls over groggily. He goes for the count***

Matt: Rik is over Frost, Charles on Noid. 1. 2. 3!! This match is over!

Jamie: Only cos Rik got the assist! Noid coulda taken Charles!

Matt: The Dragon is lifting a shocked Charles up, and seeing the fans cheer,
Charles realises hes won! What an upset! What humiliation!

Jamie: Wheres Rik's Down Syndrome manual.. This must be an infraction

Matt: Ladies and gentlemen, what an upset! We hope you enjoyed this GTX
sponsored show! Good Night!

***Charles' music hits, as he celebrates his first win in the ring, as Rik
poses over the fallen, shit covered bodies of Noid and Bubba Frost, still in
the suit and cane, as Battle of the TurdsT goes off the air!***

Credit - Rik Kendell