It is hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.

The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

IF GOD WANTED ME TO TOUCH MY TOES, HE WOULD HAVE PUT THEM ON MY KNEES

Lead me not into temptation (I am good at finding the way myself).

If you're living on the edge, make sure you're wearing your seat belt.

Never take life too seriously. Nobody has ever gotten out of it alive. Nobody. No Way.

Life is sexually transmitted.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Living is terminal.