I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb...and I also know that I'm not blonde.   ~ Dolly Parton

You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy.   ~ Erica Jong

I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels GOOD for 36 hours.   ~ Rita Rudner

I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I've done my job.   ~ Roseanne

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.   ~ Rita Rudner

I was on a date recently, and the guy took me horseback riding. That was kind of fun, until we ran out of quarters.   ~ Susie Loucks

This guy says, "I'm perfect for you, 'cause I'm a cross between a macho and a sensitive man." I said, "Oh, a gay trucker?"   ~ Judy Tenuta

He tricked me into marrying him. He told me he was pregnant.   ~ Carol Leifer

I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.   ~ Wendy Liebman

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth to.   ~ Erma Bombeck

If high heels were so wonderful, men would be wearing them.   ~ Sue Grafton

I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.   ~ Roseanne

I would love to speak a foreign language, but I can't. So I grew hair under my arms instead.   ~ Sue Kolinsky

I look just like the girls next door... if you happen to live next door to an amusement park.   ~ Dolly Parton

I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. My mother told me it's because it's cold in there. And I'm like: How did my mother know THAT?   ~ Wendy Liebman

"I think - therefore I'm single."   ~ Lizz Winstead

"When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country."   ~ Elayne Boosler

"I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch."   ~ Gilda Radner

"Behind every successful man is a surprised woman."   ~ Maryon Pearson

"Our struggle today is not to have a female Einstein get appointed as an assistant professor. It is for a woman schlemiel to get as quickly promoted as a male schlemiel."   ~ Bella Abzug

"In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman."   ~ Margaret Thatcher

"If I were going to convert to any religion I would probably choose Catholicism because it at least has female saints and the Virgin Mary."   ~ Margaret Atwood

"I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career."   ~ Gloria Steinem

"Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry."   ~ Gloria Steinem

"Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then."   ~ Katharine Hepburn

"I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night."   ~ Marie Corelli

"Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths."   ~ Baroness Edith Summerskill

"If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?"   ~ Linda Ellerbee

"I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house."   ~ Zsa Zsa Gabor

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