The book case next to me was full of romance novels. I used to enjoy the nights alone reading in my room listening to music. All the books I enjoyed reading had flashy covers and noble knights. Ideas of love and things I�ve missed out on flashed in my mind when ever I was alone with my books. I became the heroine in my mind and was able to forget about my problems. Some books have endings that are predictable, others make you want to read on. But some of those books, make you think the characters are alive and continue living even when the cover is closed. But tonight I�ve already gone through three different books. But none of them could hold my attention long enough for me to fall in love with their characters once more. Normally the music just fades away and comes back when something brakes my concentration. But some how the CD I received back in Massachutess worked its way into my five disk CD player.

      The Youth Minister, Dave, calls us to a quick group meeting before bed check for the night. Dave helps each person on the youth ministry find his or her way to God. It�s his goal to try to make the youth ministry better people. All he wants to do is to help. He wants us to become one with God and to feel like a whole person. He doesn�t want us to be scared of each other like I am. The youth ministry has about twenty-five or so kids in it and we all are sitting at Dave�s feet as he preached to us. Dave is asking us to think about the things we�ve learned so far this weekend. It was the last night but there was still more to come. But what did I learned? Let�s see I�m afraid of opening up to my peers. And I�m afraid of being loved by them. And, what�s worse, I�m afraid of being alone without them..

      The books self next to me has dairies I�ve filled with random thoughts and play bills and programs scattered though out the contents. There has never been any order to that bookcase. I grabbed a pile of books just to find something to take my mind off what ever�s going though it. I�ve grabbed one of the Rent play bills and this green program from the retreat. It was from when I tried to figure out who I was. It was from when I was trying to find the girl I locked in my closet. That girl is still screaming trying to get me to accept things I�m scared of and who I�ve become.       Things were falling out of this program. Even when I tried to put things back inside more things found their way to my bedspread and more fell to the floor. One of the pages was read lyrics to songs we learned on the bus. My favorite lines were highlighted in neon blue on the lines. Light The Fire always brings smiles to my face.

      �Ann, what did you realize?�
      I can hardly speak. All moisture in my body drained out though my eyes during the Adoration part of the nights event. My hands are clenched at on my lap. I need a drink. I can feel the cracks in my through. The water is bottle next to me o almost empty. It was time to finish the few hour old water. Even though the water bottles been out in the sun with me all day, it still fells so cold going down. �I�m afraid of love.� I somehow managed. The bowl of butterfly�s I had for breakfast was finally found its way to me. I never really spoke to this group as a whole before. I hated having all their eyes on me. I hated being in their spot light. I was sure if I was standing I would have found the floor before I uttered my first word.

      The heroine of the book is brave. Not brave in the way I am. I�m brave in the I�ll run into a fire� way. But in the �I�m not afraid of things I can�t control� way. I like having some kind of control. She�s everything I�m not. She�s fair, graceful and knows who she is. She doesn�t need the prince at her side, she just wants him cause he�s her best friend. I want a best friend who�s a prince. That would be fun.

      �Juli, how �bout you?� Dave quickly went to the girl who I was hanging out with all day. Could Dave have figured out that I hate public speaking and I hate being the center of attention? I only say so much when I�m with them.
      My eyes met my knees as I heard Juli�s voice say something over the back round noise of people playing games. I tried to stop the tears from being there. I hated crying in front of people. I felt so week. Soon it was over and I felt someone�s hand on my shoulder. My eyes met the eyes of my friend Juli. We had just started talking this weekend but we were already growing closer. She helped me up and we started walking off. Juli�s hair was brown and in high pony tail while thick nerd glasses rested on her face. We were both tired from waking up at the crack of dawn, and it was close to midnight. We started walking in silenced.
      That tent let all light in though the canvas. We all laid side by side and kept everything we brought with us at our feet. No one wanted to wake up early that morning but it was impossible to sleep past six. The sun was so bright that I needed sunglasses just to walk to the showers that morning. The showers were about 50 feet from the tent.

      �I didn�t think that you could change me/ Wasn�t searching for the truth.� Is this CD on repeat. I thought I heard this song about a half hour ago. Maybe I�m just going crazy. I don�t really understand why my friends seem to mock me for finding some kind of religion. Sure the Youth Groups cult like at times. And sure Dave preaches not to be numb. But that�s how I thrib. I�ve been numb of most emotion since freshmen year. Things just became too boring. I stopped caring about most things for a good two years. Somehow, Dave is responsible for me being able to feel again. If I didn�t go on his retreat I would still be asking for someone to �Show me what it means to be set free.� Now I have something to look forward to and I have something to fall back on when everything falls though.

      Another hand found its way to my shoulder. My eyes were finally dried when I turned to see a teenage guy who I knew only because of the youth group standing before me. �Hello?� I questioned his action. I questioned someone wanting to talk to me.
      �Ann, can I talk to you for a second?� He said to me as his eyes glanced over to Juli. I wanted to know how he knew my name. I hardly spoke in front of him.
      �I�ll meet you back in the tent.� Juli said as she walked backwards and turned around. I watched her join up with a group of girls heading back. I looked for an escapes. I wanted to turn tail and run back to the tent. But my feet seem to plant themselves in the dirt under me.       I still can�t believe that Juli left me there with him alone. I am also scared of talking to people I don�t really know. All I knew of him was he played foot ball and made fun of my friends and I when we were younger. He was someone I�ve never talked to before this.
      My eyes turned back to the teenager in front of me. His blonde hair is merely fuzz on his head. While his blue eyes seemed to be glowing right now. The light of a full moon and stars is showering us. �I know that was hard for you to say.� I looked away from him at the stars. Their brighter here then they ever were at home. �I also know that you came into this weekend not knowing any of us.� I looked up at him once again. �I�m sorry for what happened last year. How bout we give this another go?�

      Lights don�t feel as bright as they used to. Even with three lights on around me and it still feels too dim. Right now I just want to find some kind of light that will let me fall into it and just feel it wrap around me and make me feel safe. These lights in my room don�t feel real.

      Tears came out of nowhere. His arms wrapped around me and held me as I cried for a few more minutes. I feel so weak crying on him like this.
      �It�s okay if you don�t open up to us all at once.� His shirt smells like the incense that they were using in Adoration. �But what you said today was amazing. It was truly beautiful.� I�m trying to hold back the tears again. I was weak again. �You can cry. It�s okay.�
      �No I can�t. You don�t understand.� I wanted to scream to him but nothing seemed to come out when I tried. Only soft sobs are escaping my mouth as he�s holding me tighter. His arms were really strong and welcoming.

      That prince seemed to always welcome the princess in distress. But how about a girl who was emotionally lost and tired?

      But he know I am scared to open up to people.. It scares me to know that he knows I�m scared. �Do you really want to get to know me? I don�t even know your name.� I asked him looking up to him.
      �It�s Brad. And of course I want to get to know you. The real you.� His arms are slowly letting me go. Don�t let me go. I don�t want to be alone.
      �I can�t.� I backed away and started off to my tent. My feet stumbled under me and didn�t want to leave. They were rooted in the soft dirt. His voice called to me as he followed. I walked faster trying to get away. I walked into the girls tent where I could be alone with my thoughts. One of the logs keeping the tent up was perfectly placed right by the opening flap. If it wasn�t there I might have fallen on some poor girl reading one of the many romance novels that seemed so perfect in how innocent she looked in Beauty and the Beast Pajamas. Stupid princesses and their princes.
      Brad was calling for me. I can still hear his voice in the back of my mind.. But then there was a second voice with his. It was Dave.
      �Talk to her in the morning. She�s had a long day. She�ll feel better in the morning after she eats something.� The canvas door is kind of hard to move. Canvas moves as wood does, as one piece. Canvas is hard to spy on people though. It doesn�t gracefully push to the side like mom�s silk curtains do. But I made a small window and I could see Dave standing out there with Brad. The two turn towards the path to the boys tent and disappear into the crowed of boys running around trying to find their way to their weekend home.
      I counted the wooden poles holding the tent up as I walked. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Tripped on someone�s suit case. Seven. And there was Juli sitting on her suitcase at the foot of her sleeping bag brushing out her long hair. Juli had already changed into her pajamas and was about ready to go to bed. �So what did Brad want?�       �Nothing. It was nothing.� I don�t want to change. Its too much work at this hour of the night. I just crawled in my sleeping bag and berried my head in my pillow. Beauty and the Beast stared back at me happily as they danced. Even my pillow showed a happy romance that I�ve always dreamed of having. They seemed to mock me as I stared at them.       �Tell me in the morning.�

      My room fell silent at the end of the CD. The phone rang next to my ears. �Hello?�
      �Hey Ann, It�s Brad. You going tonight?�
      �I don�t know. Maybe.�
      �Come on Ann. Its not the same without you.� His voice pleaded to me.
      �I don�t know. I�ve got some stuff to do.�
      �Bring it with you. You can multi task. You wrote your Creative Writing Paper with us back in October.� Why did he remember that? I didn't.
      �Fine, I�ll be there. Someone�s calling on the other line, I�ll see you there.�
      �Remember we start at 6:30. Ann don�t be late.�
      �Kay Brad. I�ll see you there.� Ok hang up with Brad and switch lines. �Hello?�
      �Ann its Juli. We have to be at crossroads tonight right?�
      �Yeah, Brad just told me were starting at 6:30?�
      �Brad? When�d he get your number?�
      �Um...� shit. �I donno� um� I think I gave
it to him to work on something with him.�
      �So is he going to drive you?�
      �Na, I�ll walk. Its only around the corner.�
      �Get him to drive you. The two of you are so cute together!� Why is she pushing this? Its not like anything is really going on between Brad and me. Were just friends. That is all I�m going to let us be.
      �Its only a block. ONE block. I�m not asking him to drive me one small block.� I sighed into the phone putting down one of my novels.
      �Fine I�ll see you there.� I heard the click on the other end. Juli hung up on me that bitch.

      It has been six months since the retreat but I still have not told Juli what happened. In addition, I do not think I can tell her. For all she knows, there was a secret romance between Brad and me that night. On the other hand, she might think that nothing happened between the two of us and I was telling the truth about that. She can be so naive at times. Hopefully she forgot it even happened. Not like Brad or I have brought it up since then.
      At Youth Group, were starting to plan the retreat for next summer. Dave�s going to talk to us about it later this month. There�s no question that the group from the last retreat is going to on this years retreat. For so many of us, that was the retreat that made its all okay. We will all go this year because of how much better it made us feel last summer.
      This year it will make us remember why we believe. Alternatively, we will go this year because of how much fun we had with the friends we made. Some of the friends we left things behind by believing but we are still going and were bringing our friends with us. Some new members of the youth group are going to find out what we have been talking about since last July. I wish I were going because I know who I am and what I want to be. I wish I was going because I�ve got it all figured out. Truth be told, I�m going because I�m still afraid.