10 Things In Golf That Sound Dirty

1. Look at the size of his putter.
2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent.
3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker.
4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
6. Lift your head and spread your legs.
7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.
8. Just turn your back and drop it.
9. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls.
10. Damn, I missed the hole again.


Lonely Fishermen

What do you call a lonely fisherman?

A Master-Baiter.


Bozo's Big Beautiful Ass

There was an old man named Bozo, and all he had was a female donkey. One day he wins the lottery and gets $50,000. He doesn't know what to do with his money, so he decides to spend a night in a five star hotel.
He asks for the finest room and starts going up the stairs with his female donkey. The manager sees him and asks where he's going with his donkey. "Anywhere I go, she goes." said Bozo.
"I'm sorry, sir," said the manager, "but you can't take the donkey upstairs. Leave it down here with us and we'll take good care of her."
So Bozo goes up to his room and opens the door. Everything is made of gold, there is a table full of food, and a huge television. He doesn't want to ruin anything so he takes his raggedy coat off and falls asleep on the floor.
The next morning the manager comes up to the room and asks how his night was. ''Great!'' replied Bozo. ''How much do I have to pay?'' he asks.
''One thousand pound for the food.''
''But I haven't touched the food."
''It was right there, so you should have. Two thousand pound for the TV."
''But I didn't even know how to turn the damn thing on!''
''It was there, so you should have. Five thousand for sleeping on the bed."
''But I slept on the floor!''
''It was there. Your total is eight thousand pound."
''You owe me ten thousand pound for screwing my donkey.''
''But sir, I didn't screw your donkey.''
''It was there all night, you should have done it twice!''

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Blonde

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Essex. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: ''I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!''

The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, ''You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!''


5 Counterproductive Pick-Up Lines

1) If you and I were squirrels, I could bust a nut in your hole.
2) How do you like your eggs: fried, scrambled or fertilised?
3) My love for you is like diarrhea; I just can't hold it in.
4) If your right leg was Easter, and your left leg was Christmas, then could I meet you between the holidays?
5) How about we play lion and lion tamer? You hold your mouth open, and I'll give you the meat.


Big Boss Man

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss.

The brain said, "I should be boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions."

The feet said, "We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go."

The hands said, "We should be the boss because we do all the work and earn all the money."

And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs, and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work.

Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the boss just sat and passed out the shit!

Moral of the story: You don't need brains to be a boss - any asshole will do.

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Britney Spears 'n' Pepsi

What does Britney Spears and Pepsi have in common?

They both come with plastic jugs.


Smoking in the Rain

Two old ladies were waiting for a bus and one of them was smoking a cigarette. It started to rain, so the old lady reached into her purse, took out a condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her cigarette and continued to smoke.

Her friend saw this and said, "Hey that's a good idea! But, what is that thing you put over your cigarette?"

The other old lady said, "It's a condom."

"A condom? Where do you get those?"

The lady with the cigarette told her friend that you could purchase condoms at the pharmacy. When the two old ladies arrived downtown, the old lady with all the questions went into the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if he sold condoms. The pharmacist said yes, but looked a little surprised that this old woman was interested in condoms, so he asked her, "What size do you want?"

The old lady thought for a minute and said, "One that will fit a Camel."


What, No Golden Goose?

A man comes home late one night, drunk.
"Where have you been?" asks his wife.
"In the Golden Bar! They have golden chairs, golden glasses, golden beer, and a golden urinal!" This sounds awfully suspicious to the wife, who calls the Golden Bar.
"Do you have golden chairs?"
"Yes."
"Do you have golden glasses?"
"Yes."
"Do you have golden beer?"
"Yes."
"Do you have a golden urinal?"
"Hold on a minute." On the other end, she hears "I think we might have found the guy who pissed in your saxophone."

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