Sci-Fi episodes #901-1013:
#901- The Projected Man (1967) color
This film stars nobody important. After some boring credits, they show a woman driving around and then park. She goes up to a building, and enters it. She talks to a guy (hereafter referred to as the orange haired guy.) He tells her he's working on teleportation. She doesn't believe it can work at first. The guy demonstrates the projection by taking a watch and projecting it across a room. He tells her that it works on inanimate objects, but that living tissue doesn't work. However, we see that the watch runs rapidly backwards. Then a very boring guy in a suit and bow tie talks. He eventually calls another man, and they argue. Next they show how the woman manages to make it work on living tissue. Then we have more boring talking scenes. Then they project a mouse across the room with a bunch of stuffy stuffed shirts watching the process. However, things go wrong, and things explode. They later find out the experiment was sabotaged. The orange hair guy tells us that they convinced the people there to see another experiment. After more talking, the woman insists upon going back to the lab and checking things over once again. She does so. The orange haired guy decides to experiment on himself. He gets the woman to help him out. The guy vanishes. Then they show two guys trying to tear down a wall, and a woman looking out for them. She walks off a little, and then screams. One of the guys finds her dead. The orange haired guy touches the other guy, and he screams. The third guy then comes back there, and sees the orange hair guy kill him. We then see that the orange hair guy is hideously deformed. He then breaks into a store and meanders around. Then one of the guys is told that the hapless three from earlier are dead. They were electrocuted to death. After a drinking scene, the bearded guy drives (after drinking) to the lab. He is informed of the accident. We then find out someone was riding along in the trunk. The bearded guy assess the situation. He then suspends Mitchell. After that, they show the woman undressing to her underwear as the orange haired guy stalks one of the other men. The woman senses him coming, and tries to leave, but cannot. They show some computer tape burning. The orange haired guy breaks an iron bar. Then the bearded guy leaves the place. He tells them not to reveal anything that they have seen here. The orange haired guy then finds the woman in her underwear. She faints, and he picks her up. The bearded guy goes to the lab and sees the damage that the orange haired guy did. Then another woman and one of the guys from earlier go to an apartment together. They have a make-out scene. Back with the orange haired guy and the woman, he's taken her to his place and questions her. Next they show a couple waking up after a night. The guy can't keep his hands off the woman. She serves him some tea. The phone rings, and she answers it. They tell her to come down to the lab, which the couple does. The bearded guy is there and they're looking over a corpse. They also go over the lab, and find the marks that the orange haired guy made. The bearded guy wanders off. He finds a phone ringing, but ignores it and raids the liquor cabinet. Then the phone rings again, and he answers it. He talks to a mysterious man who tells him they have something in common. At this point, Mike has "died" and keeps falling onto Servo. Anyway, the orange haired guy locks Sheila in a room, and then there's a fire in the room. Next we see the bearded guy do some filing. This makes this boring film even more boring. Mercifully, the orange haired guy shows up, and kills the bearded guy. Then he goes away. Then they have the couple talking to a guy. Back with the orange haired guy, he goes back to a place but stops. Then at the couple's place, they get friendly. Then the orange haired guy enters after blowing a lock. The guy of the couple tells the orange haired guy that he can cure the orange haired guy, but the orange haired guy refuses. Then the police arrive at where the guy of the couple thinks the orange haired guy is. They find the orange haired guy, and shoot him several times. This doesn't hurt him, however. The orange haired guy just goes away. The blonde of the couple goes after him by herself. When she finds him, he's hitting a car and creating a bunch of sparks. She tries to reason with him, but to no avail. She starts to walk away, and then the orange haired guy follows her. Next they're in the lab, and then the orange haired guy tries to project himself again. This sets the lab on fire, as he fades out. The whole thing is preposterous. I had a tough time not tuning the film out and listening to just what Mike and the bots were saying.
In the hosting segments, Mike tells us they're still in a wormhole. After they come out, Gypsy tells us they're at modern day earth, just when they left. Tom and Crow theorize that what rules the planet is some weird things. After the commercial break, we find out that Pearl is moving into Castle Forrester, the ancestral home of the Forresters. Brain Guy tells us the place is haunted. Pearl gets possessed and plays the organ. "I have never played before." She says (and it shows.) Brain Guy tells them what the movie is and then sends Mike and the bots the film. Next Tom and Crow try to project Mike's class ring. Mike then hands a medal his aunt gave him and some love letters. Mike then uses Tom's autographed picture of Shirley Jones, tricking the bots. Tom breaks down and cries, but Mike laughs about it. Next Mike calls Lembach and tries to convince him to stay. Down in Castle Forrester, Pearl finds an old diary of her ancestor. She finds out that the Forresters have all been mad scientists. Mike gets a call back from Lembach and he tells them that he's leaving. Next Mike tells the bots he's going to dye his hair orange. They tell Mike they have the touch of death from their projection experiments. Mike doesn't believe them at first. He shakes hands with Crow, and gets electrocuted. The bots try to move Mike into the theater, but have a lot of trouble doing so. In the end, Mike establishes a foundation for scientific research. He's going to give a grant o either one of the bots for an invention. Tom miscalculates, and his experiment doesn't work. Crow wants the money for a pair of leaf blowers and a hat. Mike gives the grant to Crow, much to Tom's dismay. Down in the castle. Pearl has claimed her ancestral home completely. She goes on a rant about how Mike will break and how great she is. Brain Guy and Bobo march off. Then Bobo stumbles and falls.
#902- Phantom Planet (1961) black and white
This film stars off with lots of stock footage of nuclear explosions. Then they talk about how the moon is a launching point for space exploration. It's set in the year 1980, They show a ship landing on the moon. However, the gravity of an asteroid draws them off course and into the asteroid. Then another ship takes off and they have a boring sequence of two guys piloting and talking. The rocket they're piloting is very phallic looking. They go off course. Then very fake looking asteroids attack the ship. The ship's instruments go whacko. After the asteroids leave, all instruments are dead and everything doesn't work. They do a spacewalk (traveling at 4.3 miles per second, how they manage to stay on the ship is beyond me) and find a hose that has a leak One of them gets his air hose shot at, and passes out. The other gets shot in the heart after dragging the first one back into the ship. The first one recovers and finds that his ship is being pulled by a tractor beam to an asteroid. After landing there, he goes out for a walk. He then runs into a bunch of small men. His suit springs a leak, and then he's small sized too. He gets captured by the people there and taken to their leader. The leader questions him. The tiny people also have several babes whose sole function is to be eye candy to horny males. They try him for accidentally squashing one of their people. They find him guilty and tell him he must become a subject of the place or die. Then a buxom blonde woman explains to him that everything here is in proportion to the planet's size. Of course, this astronaut wants nothing more than to get back to his home world. Next the astronaut has a blonde woman fawning over him, but he wants to leave. She tells him that his spaceship was sent off while he slept. Next the people of earth send another rocket to investigate what happened to the first one. They find the rocket there, and enter it. Next the astronaut is told that the planet is slowly dying and that a sudden burst of heat could ruin everything. Next one of the natives that's in love with the blonde challenges the astronaut to a duel of bravery. They strip to the waists and get explained the rules. They get a small clothesline rack and have to push each other over. Naturally, the astronaut wins and the blonde takes him away. The blonde complains that the astronaut didn't kill him. Astronaut rants that he wants to return to his people, and sends the blonde away. Next the defeated guy tells the astronaut he can get the astronaut back to his people. Then the mute brunette enters and takes both of them off. The planet's under attack by the enemies of the inhabitants, named Zorax. After narrowly avoiding getting hit by the Zorax, The blonde takes the astronaut to see a captured Zoraz. After more repeated footage of asteroids passing by each other. At the end of the battle, the captured Zorax is freed and manages to find the sleeping mute brunette. The Zorax attacks her and takes her off. He then attacks the old man, throwing him to the ground and walking off. The others rush in and the Zorax goes off. The astronaut finds the mute woman with the Zorax. Then THE MUTE WOMAN SCREAMS. (Stranger still, the brains don't say anything about this.) Crow leaves briefly after they defeat the Zorax by making him stand on the gravity square. They then make up for this by making a convoluted explanation. The astronaut makes some moves on her, and they kiss. The astronaut tries to get the brunette to leave the planet and come with him. She gives him something to remember her by. He climbs back into his suit and returns to normal size. Two other astronauts find him, and take him away. It stars Richard Kiel and Francis X. Bushman. Kiel is the tall alien. What shoots it down is this: very cheesy special effects, a planet that looks like an old piece of fried chicken, and some very bad acting, especially from Bushman and the women in the film.
In the hosting segments, Mike and the bots have an Andy Rooney off. They all wear fake white eyebrows. None of them are really that good at it. Gypsy declares no winner because Mike and the bots won't shut up. Pearl gets a package from Spiegel to get a doomsday machine. Bobo enters with a bunch of live rats on him. The fuel for the doomsday device was delivered to the SOL by mistake. A three-eyed Crow tells Mike he wants to keep the radioactive material used to fuel the doomsday machine. Next Tom tries to make a balance between the good and the beautiful. He starts with a candy bar & a picture of Anna Nicole Smith. Mike substitutes that with a hearty, well-balanced meal and a picture of Alanis Morrisette. Next Mike gets stuck outside the SOL while Pearl calls. She's still assembling the doomsday device when some haunting moaning goes on. It turns out to be Bobo dragging a chain behind him. Pearl orders Brain Guy to kill Bobo. Mike's still outside when movie sign comes on. Next the bots make a glass xylophone. Mike tries it out and it's pretty obvious that he's faking it. He doesn't even touch the glasses. In the end, Crow dresses up like the alien of the movie, and dresses up like one. Crow then complains how he dresses up like an alien every time and doesn't enjoy it. Back at the castle, Pearl can't get her doomsday machine working. She's not happy about this. A riot-crazed mob attacks, and Brain guy almost pours boiling oil on them. Then it turns out it's some people who want to see Bobo. Pearl 'accidentally' knocks the pot of boiling oil onto the people below. Then Brain Guy does the same to another pot.
#903- The Puma Man (1980) Color
Originally titled L'Uomo Puma. You really have to feel sorry for Donald Pleasance. His career went south very quickly after playing Blofeld in the James bond movies. Here he's in an Italian film, from those wonderful people who brought us Devil Fish, Escape 2000 and the Hercules series. This movie puts the PU into puma. An Aztec legend talks about a man known as the Puma man. According to the legend, the Puma man is the only person who can stop an evil man (Pleasance) from taking over the world. The evil man has a mask that will put people under his control. An Aztec man discovers the Puma man, and tries to recruit him into fighting for what is right. Unfortunately, he doesn't want to do it. Once he does, he's pretty incompetent at it. It's hard to believe that the hero has Mexican ancestry. The Puma man can fly, walk through walls, lift heavy objects, tear through steel with his hands and seems to be bulletproof. There's a lot of cheesy special effects here. Think The Greatest American Hero done even worse than the original. If that wasn't enough to turn you off, he's in love with a blonde wig on a stick. She can't act either.
In the hosting segments, Tom gets a booster hover skirt. Pearl hosts a masquerade ball that falls flat. The bots tell Mike he's Coatimundi man. They put on a show. Next they have a song called Puma Man. The bots make a head of Roger Miller and he shows up at Pearl's ball.
#904- Werewolf (1996) color
This is the most recent film to be MiSTed, and one of the few made since the show's inception in 1988. These guys should have known better. Starring Joe Estevez, also known for Soultaker (see experiment #1001.) They start off with some confusing credits. Then they go to a desert scene where people are excavating the place. Someone finds something, and they get into a fight for no apparent reason. Then a buxom woman enters, and then stops the fight. They uncover a skeleton of a werewolf. (Bad call: The jaw seems to be permanently fused open on the skull.) Back in the lab, they look of the skeleton and decree it's a werewolf. Then on a ranch, we see a Native American crying in a truck. They examine the bones some more. Next at a local hospital, the Native American is resting in a bed. The doctor and nurse are pretty bad actors. Back at the dig, Joe tells us the Native American got cut on the werewolf's bones. Then back at the hospital, the doctor checks on the Native American man again. After that, a guy in a suit and tie visits a man in cammo that weilds a gun and smokes cigars. He looks kinda like Sana Claus. The guy goes up the stairs to find the buxom woman from earlier. She hits on him and makes a date with him. They go to a fancy, formal ball where he gets a little tipsy and then dragged out by another guy with platinum blonde helmet hair. Afterwards, the woman and another guy talk. Then they have a scene where the tipsy guy talks to a security guard. They go over to the werewolf skeleton. The guard takes a few drinks and passes out. The guy then does something. Meanwhile, the woman and the other guy she was talking to earlier go off together. After that, they show a guy climb into a car, and he slowly turns into a werewolf. Meanwhile, the woman and the guy she was talking to have a kiss goodnight. Then they show the werewolf driving. He eventually crashes his car in a fireball. After that, the woman and the guy she kissed look over the werewolf skeleton, and talk. Then Joe enters, gets mad, and hits the guy with the skull of the werewolf. This cuts him. Next they show the guy turning into a werewolf during the full moon. (Never you mind there were days that had two full moons in a row.) He stops when the woman enters the room. Next they show a couple of teens making out and having fun. Then the guy who got hit with the skull crawls in at a snail's pace. The woman of this couple sees him, screams, and runs off. The guy is oblivious to the werewolf, who seems to pass him over for her. She gets her dress muddy for no apparent reason, the werewolf attacks the woman, and bites her. Her lips don't match her screams at this point. Next they show the guy turn into a werewolf again. Then they show the lover of the werewolf enter again. Her hair changes from a bright red to a light brown. She gets knocked around by the werewolf. Next morning, He talks to the woman. Next day, the woman talks to the guy with platinum blonde helmet hair. After that, the redhead (Who's now a redhead again) plays pool with the werewolf. He eventually turns into a werewolf. There's also a guy that looks like a bloated Johnny Ramone.. In the bathroom, the guy changes some more, then staggers out of the bar, attacks a guy, and then chases some cub scouts. The werewolf fights some guy, and they chase each other around. Then the redhead gets mad because Joe wants to make a fast buck off of the werewolf. Meanwhile, the werewolf goes back to the Santa dude and hurts him. Next the redhead enters and tells Santa dude to kill anyone who enters the place. She tries to calm the werewolf down. She tells him to leave as he's being hunted. Another werewolf kills one of the guys there. Then the redhead enters. She goes back to the werewolf's place. Poor lighting here doesn't help the mood at all. In the end, we find out she's now a werewolf too. Many of the people were chosen for their good looks and not their acting ability, especially the redheaded woman. Her range of emotions goes from bored to disinterested, ONLY! If that wasn't enough to turn you off, the theme song is a cacophony of bad singers. Although the bots do a nice chant at one point called Tusk!
In the hosting segments, Mike thinks he's James Lipton, and puts Crow through a very boring interview. After smacking him on the head, Mike turns back to normal. Mike tries to go down the planet to attempt a rescue. Unfortunately, he ends up in Castle Forrester. Pearl, Bobo and Brain Guy are eating breakfast. Brain Guy points a cannon at Mike, who quickly climbs back up the ladder. Next They talk about Joe Estevez. They talk about having famous relatives in a werewolf movie. Next Mike and the bots parody Grease in the beginning where they talk about their love. Mike sings about how he's a woman in love with a werewolf. (They're in 1950's drag at this point.) Next Mike has fallen on top of Crow and gotten cut on the forehead. He's now developing a lacrosse mitt on his head and gold tone hands. Mike turns into Crow, much to the chagrin of Tom. In the end, Mike has turned completely into Crow. Tom has some essence of Mike that he spilled on himself, and he's turning into Mike. Pearl wants to switch the essence of a wolf with a peasant, but all Bobo can come up with is a cute dog. Beez McKeever is the peasant.
#905- The Deadly Bees (1966) color
The film starts out with a shot of a beekeeper shaking bees off a honeycomb. Then they have a shot of Whitehall. A couple of British guys They talk about some guy who bread deadly bees. They say he's threatening to kill someone with these bees. Next they show a really bad 1960's British band on television. Then they show two women talking. One is the next guest, a singer named Vicki. She's clad in a fur coat. She sings pretty badly. They show shots of the camera crew filming her. She then collapses on the air. Next while she recovers, the doctor tells her she has to take things easy for a few days. He sets up a hiatus on the same island where the bees are. Then the doctor's friend goes to the local pub for a drink. He asks the bartenter's wife Doris if she'll help him take care of the Vicki. She arrives on the island and settles in. Then the singer has breakfast with the family of the doctor's friend. He's a beekeeper. Then the singer plays fetch with the dog. However, the dog spots a cat and goes right for it. This leads her to the home of the deadly beekeeper. He gives Vicki some of his honey. Later the doctor's friend tells Vicki to stay away from the other beekeeper. He gets evasive when asked why. That evening, Vicki can't sleep because the animals in the bar are making noise. She gets some milk, but then spies the doctor's friend with a large syringe. Next morning, Vicki brushes her teeth and goes out to the farmyard. She goes into the barn with the dog. There they show a horse with several white dots on it. The doctor's friend comes in, and he tells her the horse is sick. He takes a towel out, and then swats the dog with it. Next Vicki tells the smoking wife that she's going to visit the deadly beekeeper. Then the phone rings. For some weird reason, the smoking wife won't answer the phone. Later Vicki hitches a ride to the pub. The smoking woman and Doris rush out into the barnyard to find that the dog is dead. Smoking woman then throws gas on the beehives and tries to set the bees on fire. Her husband catches her doing this, and puts the fire out. Vicki and Doris watch. Later smoking woman gives the horse a pail when the bees attack. They swarm all over her, and kill her. It shows in detail the bees stinging her. Then the man finds her, and so does Vicki. This is after she dies, of course. Later Vicki is at the bar. The beekeeper shows Vicki a sound he taped that has an intoxicating effect on the bees. Vicki tells the police on this. They have a brief inquest about this. They rule that the death was accidental. Later Vicki (now clad in a pair of figure-hugging jeans instead of the miniskirt she was wearing) snoops around the place. She takes some pictures of some documents of his. She opens the window to find that the doctor's friend was watching her. Then the good beekeeper and Vicki develop some photos. He then tells Vicki that bees are attracted by the smell of fear. Next we have more of the same scenes over and over. Vicki is trapped in her room with a bunch of killer bees. To get rid of the bees, she sets fire to a towel. Unfortunately, being in a confined place, she passes out due to smoke inhalation. Then Doris sees the smoke and tries to help out. Then the deadly beekeeper puts her in her room with more deadly bees, or at least it seems. Vicki then swipes a car and drives off. I tell you, there's nothing more boring than watching two British cars chase each other. The deadly beekeeper manages to catch Vicki and bring her home. Doris goes out into the woods, and the bees attack. Later a guy talks on the phone, getting chastised by his boss. Then the beekeeper asks the deadly beekeeper for a book.. Then at his place, the deadly beekeeper reveals everything. He tells how he had a fluid that attracts the bees. He then tells her that now that she knows everything, she must die. The deadly bees swarm in the doctor's friend's place. They almost kill a person who was visiting there. Vicki manages to free the bees and cover the deadly beekeeper's coat with the fluid that attracts them. She then gets a burning log to keep the bees away; however, she drops the log, setting the place on fire. Some pretty slow pacing and bad British acting shoot this one down. There's also a lot of annoying 1960's music as well. It's also somewhat disjointed and confusing.
In the hosting segments, They make a bunch of disconnected, non-sequential highlights from various shows. First is a hospital scene, where Tom Servo is on the table, and his life is in danger. In this shot you will also see the flavored IV bags Dr. Forrester invented back in season 4. Next Mike and Gypsy are romantic lovers having an intimate dinner for two. Mike kisses Gypsy. Next they show the bots grilling Mike. Tom holds a stuffed chicken in his hands. He says the chicken was stuffed with explosives. Next Crow struggles against a sauce that he's trapped in. Next Mike points a gun and says "Don't make me have to shoot you! Crow!" Later Tom tries to strangle Mike. In the castle, Brain Guy and Bobo are watching a game, eating and drinking. The other observers visit Brain Guy. They chastise him for living in a crude manner. Brain Guy sends Mike a sensible tie. Mike likes it. Pearl enters and tries to stop Brain Guy from leaving her. Back on the SOL, Mike has spilled gravy on his tie within minutes of getting it. Later Crow writes a sonnet for the smoking wife of the doctor's friend, in classic Shakespearean style. It's pretty bad. Later Tom decides to raise wood ticks. Then Observer sings as he packs up to leave. Pearl and Bobo try to convince him in song to stay. Back on the SOL, Crow brings in some lice, and they get mixed with the wood ticks. Mike dresses as a bee. He decides to communicate through movement like bees do. Tom gets it, but Crow is clueless. In the end, they parody the ending and have a guy in a suit, tie, and bowler hat. Meanwhile at the Castle, The observers battle Brain Guy. Bobo stops this with giving them chilli dogs. Brain Guy takes the Observers brains away, and then gives them to Bobo, who takes them off. This turns the Observers into idiots. Brain Guy puts them into dorky clothing, and tells them they must live the rest of their lives on a Wisconsin dairy farm, and be raging Packers fans.
#906- Space Children (1958) black and white
W/short: Century 21 Calling (1962) color
The short, "Century 21 Calling" is a
film presented by AT&T about a young man and woman who go through the world's fair in Seattle in 1962. The place is filled with technology of the time, and things that we take for granted today. It's a film that just didn't stand the test of time. Things that they found exciting then (such as touch-tone phones) are taken for granted today. The young man and woman don't really give us much to endear them to us. A lot of this short is dedicated to phone services we take for granted today. The couple is also pretty lily white as well. This is also on the Assignment: Venezuela video.
Jackie Coogan (Uncle Fester in The Aadams Family,
the kid in Chaplin's The Kid) and Russell Johnson (Gilligan's Island, This
Island Earth) star in this film. The credits are all bent up lettering,
interlaid with pictures of kids. Then they show a couple traveling down a
lonely highway with their two boys. (Why didn't they riff "Are we there
yet?") The kids spot a weird cloud in the sky. Next they arrive at a
trailer park. They move into a new home. The parents talk in the kitchen. We
find out that he's employed on a secret military base. The wife then chats with
another woman. The boys play, and then wander into a cave. They meet a bunch of
other kids who play as well. They spot the cloud from earlier, and go to it.
They find it ends at a cave. Next two scientists (They look like Rowan and
Martin.) are on the beach fishing. The Children go over to where they saw the
cloud touch the earth. One of them gets stuck, then another kid unsticks him.
Later on the two kids are arguing with their parents. One of them runs away and
is pursued by his father. His father catches him and is about to beat him, but
something glows and stops the father. Next the other children show up with a
guy. Then we find out it's late. The man brings home the alien blob and the
woman is horrified by this. Next the neighbor comes by and talks again. The
mother wants the blob out, but the kids say no. They tell her that she has to
do what it wants. Next the kids go into the cave again, and the father follows.
Next the dad tells his bosses what happened. The son enters and stops his
father. Next to bring the son home, the car goes crazily around, and then off
the road. Next Coogan goes into the cave, despite the warnings of his daughter.
He then gets blinded by a bright light, and falls down. Later the kids walk
around, and meet another adult. Then one of the adults makes a connection
between the children and the mishaps that have been going on. One of them finds
out the children have somehow managed to get passed a locked gate. The guy he's
talking to breaks down and confesses that he saw the blob. They go back to the
cave and see that the blob has grown considerably since they last saw it. Then
at a nearby rocketbase, the children enter the place. A guard catches them, and
throws them out. Then an alarm sounds, holding the countdown. Something goes
wrong. The rocketship fails to fire. The town wants to enter the cave, but the
kids stop them. The kids form a barrier as the creature in the cave oozes out.
Then the blob goes off on a beam of light.
In the hosting segments, Tom sets up a kissing
both. His prices are pretty outrageous. Then a guy sets up a new
state-of-the-art phone system. Unfortunately, it doesn't work too well. To teach
Mike and the bots a lesson, she sends them the short here. Later Mike pardodies
the short by being the obscenely cheerful young man in the short. Not amused,
the bots hit him with a metal ball hung from a chain. Later Mike tries to fire
a model rocket. Pearl calls while they try to fire. She's got a large rocket
and is planning to launch Bobo into space. Unfortunately, Brain Guy forgot to
put the cotter pin in the centrifuge and this sends Bobo flying. Later Crow
designs a bunch of fashions for Jackie Coogan. They're not quite what you'd
think he'd wear. At the end, the holy blob visits the SOL, and asks them to get rid of their nuclear weapons. Tom has one atomic bomb. Pearl and Brain Guy are about to shoot Bobo into space. After they fire the rocket, Bobo enters. He tells them all there was in the capsule was Tang. He got out to get some more food, and forgot to get back in.
IMDB link - Century 21 Calling
#907- Hobgoblins (1987) color
Arguably one of the worst movies ever done by
MST3K, right up there with Monster A-Go Go, Castle of Fu Manchu, and Being from
Another Planet. It starts with a stoner Bill rip-off. He's a security guard at
a bank. There's something amiss after a dumb argument with his boss. Next he
goes around, and then appears on a stage. Then they find the guy dead. The bots
get so horrified by how bad this is, they try to leave the theater. Mike drags them back in. Next the same old coot hires another young man as the security agent. Next the young security agent sees some friends of his. They look very lilly-white and preppie. Two of them get into a fight with garden implements. Afterwards, the security guard and one of the women argue. Next the security guard talks to his boss about his girl problems. Despite being told not to go near the vault, he does so. The old man rushes to save him, and narrowly saves him in time. Then we finally see the Hobgoblins driving the golf cart. They look pretty silly. Flashback to the 1950's, when the guard was just starting out. He tells about how the Hobgoblins came from space in a space capsule. The old man tells the new guard that these creatures grant people's wishes, but in such a way as to corrupt them and make them weak. Next back at the house of the younger security guard's girlfriend, some hobgoblins show up as the people there dance. The Hobgoblins then attack one of the women. In the struggle that enuses, it's clear she's wrestling with a dummy. She then kills the thing with a garden hoe. The hobgoblins attack everyone inside. They rush out and try to avoid the Hobgoblins. Next one guy called a phone sex line and listens to a woman imitating having sex with a guy. Next he hears that she's outside his door. He goes outside to find a buxom blonde bimbo clad in spandex. She takes him away in her car. Next the young security guard tells his friends not to fantasize about anything. Back with the loser with the buxom blonde, he takes her to the local make-out spot. It's clearly marked with signs that say "kissing only" and "all the way!" She tries to push him and the car off a cliff. Just before she can succeed, the young security guard kills the hobgoblin responsible for this fantasy, and saves the life of the loser. When he gets back to the house, he finds that his girlfriend goes off fantasizing about things. The gang goes off to a club trying to find her. They see a band that's hard to understand what the singer's singing. Next they're served alcohol, even though they're under 21. After a scene of more bad stuff, Mike and the bots set up cardbard cut-outs of themselves. To save them, the guy gives into a fantasy and fantasizes that he's saving them all. He dives on a live grenade, and gets caught on fire. Next, the teens climb into a van filled with Hobgoblins. They go back to the older security guard, who blows up the place to kill all the Hobgoblins. While the end credits run, they have the director as a cardboard cut-out. They insult him quite a bit in the form of an interview.
In the hosting segments, Mike and Tom have an
argument about who has turned whom on. Pearl gets involved later. Pearl sends
Mike and the bots a couch, which they promptly ruin. Next Crow makes a short
film about how men should treat women better. He says that women are mythical creatures and that their existence is doubtful at best. Mike tells him that Pearl is a woman. Next Crow sets up a hotline for people who were traumatized by watching Hobgoblins. The first caller is Bobo. Next Mike and the bots set up cardboard cut-outs of themselves and sing a song about Hobgoblins. Pearl notices something different about this, but none of them can put their finger on what's wrong. Brain Guy finally figures out what's going on and then Pearl is angry. "Nothing gets by me!" She shouts as Bobo gives her an insect to eat. Only after Pearl pops it into her mouth does she realize what she ate. Eeuu. In the end, Tom Servo travels back in time
to kill the director of the film. Crow says that the director got the inspiration for Hobgoblins from Servo. Then Pearl brings the couch back to Castle Forrester, and then Bobo and Brain Guy jump around on it. Pearl gives them bombs for their actions.
#908- The Touch of Satan (1970) color ?BBI
The film starts off with a farmer leading a cow
through the dark. When he gets to his barn, he gets killed. Next we see a
stereotypical 1970 family having dinner. Then an old woman crashes through a
door. She's holding the same doll that we saw in the barn. Next they show a
1970 pinto-like car driving around. The guy driving it stops at a gas station.
He's pretty much long blonde hair on a stick. He stops the car, and then walks
alongside a pond. Then the daughter of the family enters. She's brunette hair
on a stick. They talk for a while. She tells him she's not dating. They drive
to her home. The girl tells her family about the boy. Her dad's not too happy
about it. At the dinner, the family talks to the young man. It's pretty boring.
Then the young man and woman walk by the pond again. They stop, and kiss. Later
on, the put the guy up for the night. Then the old woman enters the room. The
guy then goes to brunette on a stick and asks her about the old woman. She
explains that the old woman is her great grandmother and not to be feared.
Later on, she looks into a mirror, and turns into a young girl briefly. Next
morning, the family has breakfast. Then the local sheriff comes in as the guy
drives away. He says that he has to poke around the farm for a little. Next the
young couple go to town and buy some stuff at the local store. She tells the
guy she's a witch. After that, they go walk in a field. Tom gets hay fever
here. The guy suggests she make him disappear. Then the policeman finds
something on the ground: The murder weapon. He goes to report this, but the old
woman tries to kill the sheriff too. The family stops her. They take the old
woman inside, and then the girl falls to her knees outside. They show the young
man worrying. The young woman comes in. The young man figures out the old woman
killed the man earlier and almost killed the sheriff. She tells him yes, but
don't hold that against her. At dinner, the tension runs very thick.
Afterwards, the young woman holds the doll from earlier. The young man has a
tough time sleeping. While the young woman and her father talk, a mob gathers
and wants to burn the witch. The mob takes the young woman out, and burns her
at the stake. Then the young version of the old woman comes out and stops the
burning. The young old woman curses the rest of the townsfolk. She then unties
the young woman. The young man gets suspicious, and goes to investigate. The
young woman stops him, and talks to him. After that, the old woman gets angry
and breaks down a door, She rushes to the young couple. The young woman sets
her great grandmother on fire with a magical spell. This burns the barn down.
Next morning, the young man leaves the place. He stops, and then turns around
to go back. He then tells her he's in love with her. They kiss, and then make
love. She ages very quickly. The young man strikes a deal with the devil, and
then she's young again. They continue to make love again. This film's pace is
slower than a sleepy snail and drags to a grinding halt a lot. The characters
mumble quite a bit.
In the hosting segments, The bots go wasseling,
but Mike doesn't have any. They sing about how trouble come to those who don't
come through. Mike brings in some canned wassail. Down in Castle Forrester,
Pearl went on vacation and left Bobo and Brain guy with a babysitter (Beez
Mckeever.) She's making Brain Guy play with blocks. Brain Guy hates it, and she
threatens him with a time out. She chastises Bobo for leaving hair in a shoe.
At the end of that, she sends Mike the movie. Next Mike has started a walnut
farm on the SOL, and he's wearing a smelly shirt. Tom enters, having been pecan
farming. He says it's easy to do (it's not, believe me.) Next Mike piles a huge
pile of rocks on top of Crow to see if he's a witch. Mike tells Crow he's
surviving because of his construction. Then crow thinks he's a frog. After
that, Tom dresses like the old woman in the film and tries to kill Mike. Then Tom appears and tells Mike this is his grandmother. Tom then leaves and Grandma tries to kill Mike again. In the end, Crow sells his soul to Satan for unfathomable power. Mike reads the contract and says that Crow sold his soul to Stan. Stan has sold Crow's soul to Citicorp. Back at Castle Forrester, the babysitter has Bobo in a pet traveler, and Brain Guy bored out of his skull. She reads them Green Eggs and Ham. Brain Guy questions why that the green eggs and ham guy won't leave Sam alone. He also states Sam is very repetitive. The babysitter starts hitting Bobo for talking too much while the credits run.
#909- Gorgo (1961) Color
It's surprising that the studio didn't get sued
for creating this Godzilla rip-off. Gozilla goes to the circus would be a
better title for this movie. A British production, Gorgo is a prehistoric
lizard. It starts off with a volcano exploding, and a bunch of fisherman going
out to explore a new island that formed. They send divers into the area; one is
lost, another is barely rescued in time. Later on some fishermen go out to sea,
and find Gorgo. They narrowly escape feeling its wrath. Gorgo follows and
people throw fire at him. Since he's standing in water, that doesn't do much
good. Somehow Gorgo gets caught by some people, (They don't explain how) and
then sold to a circus. There's also a bratty kid who tries to free Gorgo. The
kid speaks with a thick Cornish accent and is hard to understand. Then we find
out Gorgo is but a child and will grow to about 200 feet tall. The beast has a parent that destroys a remote island and they use a bunch of stock footage here. Next the larger version of Gorgo comes looking for its child. Gorgo Sr. goes on the obligatory rampage, destroying an obviously fake set of London in the process. Equally cheesy is the set of the carnival where Gorgo Jr. is held that Gorgo Sr. destroys. Pretty wooden acting is here. Out of all the MiSTed movies, this is the only one I saw beforehand without the MiSTing in it (of course, I've seen Master Ninja, but that doesn't count since it was a television series.) It stars nobody important.
In the hosting segments, Pearl is in L.A.
researching more films to send Mike and the bots. Leonard Maltin guest stars as
her consultant. He sends Gorgo to Mike and the Bots. Also memorable is the play
"Waiting for Gorgot," a cross between Gorgo and the play
"Waiting for Godot" by Samuel Beckett.
#910- The Final Sacrifice (1990) color
Originally titled Quest of the Lost City. This makes more sense than the reissue title. Not since City on Fire (experiment K16) has Canada made a movie this bad. It starts off with a bunch of people in the woods in the winter. Snow is on the ground, and they're chasing after some guy. A guy that looks like Joey Ramone watches. After some credits, we're taken to 7 years later. Then some kid in a red sweater goes to the attic and pulls out a book. He then finds a letter that he researches on. The kid kind of looks like 1970's Miami Dolphin quarterback Bob Griese, thus the riffs on the Dolphins. Then someone wants to kill the kid after he's studied things. He saws down the front door and enters the place with some thugs. They chase after the boy on the bicycle in a car, but he manages to escape. The kid hides in an old truck driven by a guy that looks like a reject from a 1970's southern rock band. They drive the old truck to a place where he makes a phone call. Then the thugs come after the kid. Panicking, he drives off the truck, and the guy he was with barely managed to get in the truck in time. He then sacrifices some bottles to stop the thugs in their Grand Turismo. Later on they sit at a fire, and the kid tells the guy about what he found. The man doesn't want anything to do with this. Later on the thugs find the kid as he is sent away by the guy. Later on they meet up again and find the entrance to the lost city. The guy gets caught by the thugs. They take him off and beat him up, and then he escapes. He gets hit by a car, but that didn't seem to phase him. Meanwhile the kid's still in the cave, trying to enter the lost city. Eventually he goes out and meets the guy again, and then the thugs chase them into a shotgun shack. Then the Steve Smith (The Red Green Show) clone comes to their rescue, although he mistakes our heroes for the enemy at first. He fills our heroes in on the full legend: a city exists that has a lot of riches in it. But it sank into the ground after a long rainstorm. During the night, the man dreams that the cult brands him on the shoulder.
We find out the guy was a former member of this cult the thugs belong to. Then we have, once again? ROCK CLIMBING! This, of course, drags the film's already slow pace down to a grinding halt. The former cult member confronts the leader of the cult. They fight with a torch and a grappling hook. In the end, the leader gets flamed to death. The members take their masks off and head to the light. At the light they find the lost city, which rises out of the muck to the surface. They get rich, and celebrate. For some weird reason, the old coot does a Yosemite Sam impersonation. This kid has loser PLASTERED all over him.
In the hosting segments, Gypsy has to turn off the
power for a brief while. The bots take up looting while the power is off. Crow gets a television, and Tom gets Mike's recyclable materials. Pearl wants to rule people one at a time. The first person isn't threatened by Pearl at all. The second is Tom Servo, who blows Pearl off as well. Tom dresses like a RCMP
man and then sings the Canada song. Bobo eats a bad can of Canadian Bacon, then infects Pearl with hockey hair. Then the bots get it as well. Mike gets grizzled old prospector syndrome. The bots start a cult and then stop it. Crow pitches an idea for a TV series for The Final Sacrefice.
#911- Devil Fish (1984) color
Originally titled Shark Rosso Nell'Oceano. It's
another stinkburger from Italy. Unlike the Puma Man or Warrior of the Lost
World, there's no Donald Pleasance desperately trying to save it. It starts
with a blonde bimbo yakking nonstop while a guy eats dinner. Next they show the
boat from underwater. It's a small pleasure craft. Then some weird sea creature
attacks the boat. Next we're at a Seaworld type park. Dolphins play, sharks are
thrown into a tank, and the like. Then there's another blonde woman who's long,
stringy blonde hair on a stick. They have a tour group come through. Next they
show a coast guard chopper from Italy flying over the wreck of the boat from
earlier. They find two dead bodies and a wrecked boat. They airlift the bodies
out, showing that the man is missing his knees and feet. Then they intercut
this with the dolphin and blonde on a stick. Then they show the devil fish in
the water with blonde on a stick. She gets out. Next at the morgue, they show
the dead bodies. A corner says it's a shark bite. Then blonde on a stick tells
a guy about the dolphins acting strangely. He plays for her a blank tape that
he says contains the sound of a voice filled with hate. Next this guy (hereafter
referred to as drunk, since he's seen drinking.) meets a black woman who plays
videogames instead of working. Drunk then gets stopped by blonde on a stick.
She tells him that she needs a bunch of things, and he tells her he can't do
it. Next at a lab, a lab worker and another woman kiss as blonde on a stick
enters. After that, the black woman and drunk work on some equipment. Then we
see some pretty graphic pictures of the man who was killed earlier. Back with
drunk and the black woman, they're getting intimate. Then they show some stock
footage of ocean life. Next they show drunk, blonde on a stick, another man,
and the black woman on a boat. They find the devil fish, and it comes straight
for them. Some dolphins nearby get anxious. Devil fish goes away. Then they analyze the data they took. Next they have a female Ichthyologist look over the data. She theorizes that it is a fish from pre-man. Next the black woman gets groped by a slimy guy. Drunk and blonde on a stick go out again with the Ichthyologist and the guy again. They put some instruments in the water. One gets sabotaged. Then they show some scenes of people in swimwear. They start making out in multiple exposures, making things kinda fuzzy. Then back on the boat, Devil Fish attacks. Drunk gets pulled into the water, and the Ichthyologist hacks at the tentacle grabbing her with an ax. Blonde on a stick and the other guy return to find the Ichthyologist hysterical. They take the part of the tenticle that was hacked off for analysis. They find out Devil Fish is only 8 months old. Next a sheriff and deputy load a bunch of explosives on a boat. Then we see an underwater fight scene for no apparent reason. One of them gets stabbed, and that, of course, attracts Devil fish. Then Devil Fish attacks both fighters and the boat. At the end of it, blonde on a stick finds the Ichthyologist dead. Back at the lab, they show the cells of the Devil fish reproducing at an alarming rate. The guy at the lab tells the sheriff about this. A little later, they find out that Devil fish was genetically engineered. The guy who engineered Devil fish pulls a gun on the researcher, and then the sheriff shoots the guy. Then they go devil fish hunting. Lots of boring sequences of people getting eaten and trying to fight the Devil fish. They pour gasoline on the water then ignite it. (While in a boat, this is not a bright thing to do.) Devil fish gets barbequed.
In the hosting segments, Mike lost his wallet, and blames a government conspiracy. The Mads establish a cruise ship. They send
some ice cubes up to the SOL so they can sculpt them. Mike uses a blowtorch and
has melted his. Tom put his in a gin and tonic. Crow somehow makes Michelango's
David out of four ice cubes. The bots debate whether or not dolphins are smart. They call seaworld and insult a dolphin. A dolphin warship appears, and attacks the SOL. Then Paul Chapin stars as an electrician who's doing work on the SOL. The Dolphins attack again. Pearl puts a filter on the camera to make Mike and the bots look more Italian. "Warning! Ethnic slur!" It reads in the upper left corner, and they're right. In the end, Pearl serves lucky charms to Bobo, who chokes on them. The guests of the ship (who were Patrick Brantseg and Beez McKeever) look on with horror.
#912- The Screaming Skull (1958) Black and White
With short: Gumby "Robot Rumpus" (1967)
Color
The producers offer to pay for funeral expenses if
anyone dies of fright while watching this movie. They should have offered
intensive psychotherapy for anyone who enjoyed this disaster of a film.
Starring nobody important, this stinker has a young couple moving into a new
home. There's also a silly looking gardener in the film. A priest and his wife
welcome the couple to their home. The wife finds a picture of a young woman who
is the spitting image of her. The wife finds a skull, and throws it out the
window. Then there's a loud banging on the door. The woman opens it to find the
skull there. After the husband returns, they burn the portrait of the woman. It
seems that no matter what they do, the skull returns. Very slow pacing, some
scenes where nothing exciting happens, annoying background music and bad acting
shoot this one down. Mike sums it up best: "If Ed Wood had directed Rules of the Game."
The short, "Gumby: Robot Rumpus"
Concerns itself with an episode of the late 1960's TV show. Gumby hires robots
to do some house chores for him. Naturally, the robots screw up and create
havoc on the front lawn while Gumby, Pokey and his mother are inside. Dad comes
home to save the rest of the family from disaster. This is a very contrived
plotline and it quickly drags down quite a bit.
In the hosting segments, Tom tries to scam a free coffin out of the producers of this film. He calls their tech support line and asks them to send up a casket to the SOL. He's very surprised when they do.
Please note this copy is missing about the first
minute of the intro.
IMDB links - The Screaming Skull
#913- Quest of the Delta Knights (1993) Color
Arguably one of the worst sword and sorcery movies
ever made, this stinker stars nobody important. An evil warlord is after the
Delta knights, the only group that opposes him. Everyone looks like a reject
from a Renaissance festival. Legend has it this was a non-union production, and violated quite a number of union rules. One of the Delta Knights finds a slave boy named Travis, who may be the key to bringing down the evil warlord. To do this they have to find a storehouse that contains the knowledge of Archimedes. The key is a map that the kid must solve. The kid's Delta Knight gets captured by the bad guys, and the kid frees him, but the knight dies in the process. His new contact is Leonadro de Vinci, who liberates a serving wench (named Thena, no less) that is also a Delta Knight. Naturally, once they find the storehouse of Archimedes, they get caught by the main bad guy. Naturally the bad guy destroys himself through Archimedes' weapon. While they watch the credits, Pearl and a guy named eggs comes in, and Pearl has eggs check the theater over. He tells her she's got to pay 48 large to fix the theater. Pearl takes her frustrations out on Mike.
In the hosting segments, Crow gets damaged, so
they send a loaner Crow. He's running a little rich, but has a killer radio in
him. Once repaired, Crow comes back, and sends the other Crow out. Pearl then
asks a few questions about Mike's health. Brain Guy suggests that there is
something fundamentally wrong with the experiment, and Pearl slugs him. Pearl and Mike switch places in the beginning.While down in the castle, Mike, Brain Guy and Bobo play cards while Pearl watches the film. After Pearl and Mike switch back, there's a call by Leonardo da Vinci to the SOL. He tells them that the Leonardo in the film is a fake. Next we have Tom's memorable "Aire on a Delta Knight." In the end, the bots lament Pearl's living. At Castle
Forrester, the Delta knights have reserved the place for their annual pancake
breakfast. They raise enough money to hold another one next year.
#1001- Soultaker (1990) color
This is an obvious self-insertation of an idealized
version of the writer (known in writing circles as a Mary Sue) into a story
concerning a group of teens that die but don't get their souls taken to the
beyond. The chief bad guy is Joe Estevez, Martin Sheen's little brother. He's
Martin Sheen light; 1/3 of the acting ability. The rest of the cast isn't much
better. The main heroine looks a lot like Tonya Harding, only her breasts are
much smaller. At one point, one of the women wears the exact same dress that
Kathy Ireland did in "Alien from L.A." Is it coincidence that both
films turned out bad? You decide. Everyone looks like a reject from a heavy
metal video, with the exception of Joe. In the convenience store scene, watch
the money magically go from being all crumpled up to being perfectly straight,
and grow in number considerably. When the heroine starts undressing in the
bathroom scene, I think even the most ardent supporter of porn would be
shouting: "NO! Keep it ON!" The ending is pretty stupid, a feel-good
"I wanna live" thing that falls flatter than a pancake. The heroine
is a shock of badly done hair on a stick. If that wasn't enough to turn you
off, we've got very cheap special effects here as well. The bots also the bots question the end of the film.
This episode is better remembered for the hosting
segments. The bots have a wet t-shirt contest, but can't understand why soaking
two t-shirts in water is exciting. Then problems start cropping up on the SOL. A soultaker comes for the soul of Professor Bobo - and it's TV's Frank. He and Pearl catch up on things. Then Bobo and Brain Guy do a scene from Glengary Glenn Ross nude to convince Mike that things are better when done nude. It doesn't quite work. Meanwhile, on the SOL, things are starting to break down, and then a visit by Joel saves the day. It seems the Mads programmed everything to break down 10 years after they shot the SOL into space, and Joel comes to repair things. In the end, Frank tells Joel that Joel is on Frank's list of souls to take. Joel doesn't take Mike and the bots back to Earth.
#1002 The Girl in Gold Boots (1969) color - BBI
This is really two films in one: The story of a young woman going to the big city to chase her dream of being a go-go dancer, and one of her lover becoming a drug dealer. They drive across the country in half of the film, something like Easy Rider but very badly done. There's also another guy that joins them on the trip too. Not surprisingly, this one is often found in the bottom 100 at the IMDB. More summary coming someday.
In the hosting segments, Pearl has to obtain the bots certification from the mad scientists guild to certify she's an evil scientist. They say she isn't evil enough. Paul Chapin plays the guy from the guild. Later on, there's a scene where Crow dons Gold boots and go-go dances to the delight of Tom. Mike is repulsed, naturally. In the end, a despondent Pearl wants to hurt Bobo for not being evil enough to be in the mad scientists guild. Then Brain Guy comes in wearing gold boots and dances. The guild man says that is truly evil, and then certifies Pearl.
IMDB link- The Girl in Gold Boots
#1003- Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders (1995)
color
Even Ernest Borgnine (Mardy) couldn't save this
film. It stars him as a kindly old grandfather telling his son about a
television show he did. Merlin travels forward in time to set up a shop to
teach people to believe in magic again. A critic comes to the shop filled with
skepticism, and takes home a book of magic spells for review. Of course, he
gets power mad and abuses the spells in the book. Then a thief steals a toy
monkey with cymbals. Merlin goes to find it. Meanwhile, A family has bought the
monkey toy for their son's birthday. A so-bad-it's-funny scene follows, where
the kid plays with the toy while singing "Rock and Roll Martian."
Disaster after disaster befalls this family after the Monkey toy is activated.
The father figures out that this toy is the cause of disasters, and tries to
get rid of it. Despite burying it in the mud (and nearly getting killed in the
process) the evil monkey toy shows back up in his life when his mother-in-law
brings it back for their son's birthday. Even though it was copyrighted in
1995, it looks like it was made in the early to mid 1980's.This is because it was originally a movie called "The Devil's Gift" with Merlin added to it. I don't recommend watching this more than 2-3 times. The more you watch it, the more painful it becomes.
In the hosting segments, Mike and the bots get
into 1920's college pranks. Tom stuffs a bunch of himself into a phone booth.
Mike swallows goldfish, and Crow sits on a flagpole. Pearl gives absolute power
to Servo, who lords it over the others until Pearl tells him that he must have
fire ants in his shorts. Crow and Tom critique each other, and it gets ugly
fast. Tom dabbles in a spell, and turns Mike into and adult infant. Mike gets Ernest Borgnine's children books,and they turn out to be pretty disgusting.
Some tracking problems occur here. L
IMDB link - Merlin's shop of Mystical Wonders
#1004- Future War (1994) Color
This film definitely doesn't deserve its cool
title. It stars Daniel Bernhardt, Sandra's brother. In the future, dinosaurs
have been revived to hunt people down. Robots are controlling everything now.
We've got lots of cheesy special effects, including a two-foot tall
Tyrannosaurs Rex. A fugitive human runs away from his dino tracker and cyborg.
This guy somehow manages to journey back in time to the present, where he tries
to tell people about what's going on. Filmed mostly in a warehouse with a bunch
of empty boxes around, ad nauseum. There's no future here, and no war either.
In the church-fighting scene, be sure to watch out for the hero's magic
appearing and disappearing wounds. The cast chews the scenery so much it's a wonder they didn't develop Styrofoam poisoning.
In the hosting segments, Crow creates a
spreadsheet to find out how many times a lady Gypsy is. She is 2.7 times a lady, with Dianne Feinstein being 1 time a lady. Mike is 8 times a lady. Pearl orders the bots to ingest LSD. Tom isn't affected, but Crow misidentifies a candy bar, and cracks up. Meanwhile, Brain Guy and Bobo play really bad psychedelic music. Tom gets non-functioning legs, and challenges Gypsy to a kickboxing fight. Gypsy easily defeats him. Mike and the bots thank Pearl for not killing them, just after she shoots off a rocket to kill them. Crow dresses up as a water drop and talks about the virtues of water.
#1005- The Blood Waters of Dr. Z (1982) color
Originally titled Zaat. Zaad would be more like
it. This film stars nobody important. A scientist, obsessed with marine life,
transforms himself into a fish-like creature. It then goes on a killing spree,
killing anything it meets. The creature then kidnaps a woman and injects her
with the same stuff that turned him into the creature. Unfortunately, she dies.
Trying again, he kidnaps another young woman. She manages to escape somehow.
Another bad call: One scene shows snow on the ground - in a Florida summer, no
less. If that wasn't enough to turn you off, there's LOTS of VERY BORING stock
footage of various aquatic life. Dr. Z sounds and kinda sounds like Dr.
Shrinker, only he acts a lot worse.
In the hosting segments, Crow tries out smokeless
tobacco, much to Mike's dismay. Pearl decides to withhold her love from Mike
and the bots, but they don't care. She sends stuff to him, and then takes it
away. Mike and the bots go fishing from the SOL bridge. Unfortunately, the fish
freezes and decompresses when pulled into orbit. Crow does an evil voiceover while Mike tries to polish his shoes. Paul Chapin comes back as Barnacle Bob when Pearl turns Bobo into a merape.
#1006- Boggy Creek II: The Legend Continues (1985) color
Originally titled The Barbaric Beast of Boggy Creek Part II. Sequels are never as good as the originals. Boggy Creek I wasn't good to begin with, and Boggy Creek II sinks to new lows. It's basically about a reporter that goes to a hick village to search for a legendary creature at Boggy Creek. There's more Southern stereotypes than you can shake a stick at here.
IMDB link- The Barbaric Beast of Boggy Creek Part II
#1007 - Track of the Moon Beast (1976) color
Can a movie be very confusing, stupid, and boring
at the same time? Track of the Moon Beast answers that with a resounding
yes. A guy finds a stone that fell from the sky, and takes it home with him. Unfortunately, this turns him into the moon beast at night. The beast goes on the obligatory rampage, which kills people. Of course, the next morning, he
can't remember what happened, and is back being a normal human being. There's
also a stereotypical 1970's Native American as well. Add a bad singer/guitarist
singing to the mix that really doesn't fit with the rest of the movie and you
get a disaster. The heroine is a bunch of ratty blonde hair on a stick. I had a
hard time not turning out the movie and just listening to what Mike and the
bots were saying.
In the hosting segments, Crow does some
deep-frying of various things. Pearl invents a device that allows you to
control another person through a remote control. Mike tries to control Bobo with a remote controller. Bobo kisses Pearl, then tries to bring the SOL down. Mike fails, however. They talk about the band in this film, and chronicle their career. They say the band had a frenzy of drinking, drugs and sex, and then broke up.
IMDB link - Track of the Moon Beast
#1008- Final Justice (1984) color
Joe Don Baker (Mitchell) stars in this disaster
about a Texas Ranger chosen to escort someone to the island of Malta in the
Mediterranean. His character is a doughnut-stuffing no-goodnik. Then we go to a
dark and stormy night and an accident occurs. Then the participants jump out,
and one shoots another. We find out JDB's character was once a Dallas sheriff
booted out for a massacre in that city. Then he goes out to the accident scene.
JDB's partner is immediately shot, and killed. The killers rush into the woods,
pursued by JDB. JDB corners them and they have an old-west style shootout. Then
we find out the killer's an Italian citizen and has to be extradited for
multiple crimes in Italy. Instead of landing in Italy, they land in Malta. They
take a taxi with a very annoying driver. While there, they get attacked. Later
on, the killer gets away from JDB and then JDB meets with a buxom brunette
babe. Next they show a parade with JDB looking for the guy. He finds the guy,
but then gets surrounded by thugs. They have a Mexican standoff for a little,
then JDB manages to shoot two of them before the last one takes a kid hostage.
He manages to shoot the man anyway. After getting chewed out by his boss, JDB,
has a meal with the brunette. Then they have a scene at a strip joint. Then JDB
bribes some prostitutes for information about the man. They lie to him, and
then JDB realizes it's a setup. Later they have a scene in a church. Then JDB
catches up to the guy in a shipyard. They chase each other in speedboats. The
guy loses JDB, and then JDB gets chewed out by his supers. After another trip
to the strip club, JDB lands in jail after a fight breaks out. After getting
out, he goes back to the strip club and gets knocked out. He wakes up in what
looks like a medieval dungeon. One of the strippers visits him there. She sets
him free, then gets her throat slashed. After a shootout, JDB escapes. Then
there's another boat chase. This ends with the boat JDB is on exploding. He
doesn't die, though. After reuniting with the brunette, the bad guys attack
again, and JDB tries to drown one in a fish tank. The brunette helps JDB get to
the bad guy's house. Once inside, he finds the bad guys and fights them. In the
process, JDB's hurt, and then pretty much everyone gets into a gunfight,
including the brunette babe. In the end, JDB kills the bad guys. While the credits roll, the bots sing along to the theme.
In the hosting segments, Tom compares the owner of a lonely heart to various other owners. Pearl tries to make her workplace happier. She does an unfunny gag then gets angry. The bots find a continuity problem in the film, and complain to Pearl as Mike trips over and over. Then they show a Goosio puppet. Crow presents a report on Malta. This becomes very unflattering to Malta. They parody the Mitchell ending, but instead of Mike escaping, Mike gets in a water heater. Pearl has a funny dress-up day, and Bobo dresses as a cowboy, and Brain Guy is a gay biker. Only Brain guy wasn't dressing up?#060;o:p>
#1009- Hamlet (1960) black and white ?BBI
Zounds! Ne'er before hath the words of the bard
been so butchered. This 1960 viewing of Hamlet for German television really
takes away the underlying sense of hope and mythical wonderment from the words
of Shakespeare. Much of the cast was chosen for their good looks and not their
acting ability, especially the woman that plays Ophelia. REally butchered is the famous To be or not to be soliloquy from Hamlet.
In the hosting segments, Tom decides his name now is H. Tom Sirveaux. Mike has a three-card guess-where-the queen is game. He tells Pearl if she can guess where the queen is, he'll watch two movies, if she can't, he choses the movie. She loses, and he choses Hamlet. Brain Guy whispers to Pearl, and she tells him he'll get Hamlet - only not the one he wanted. Later Mike and the bots play a game show called "alas poor WHO?" in which Mike presents the bones of dead people and asks the bots to guess who those dead people are.
#1010- It Lives by Night (1974) color
Originally titled The Bat People. It stars nobody
important. A couple gets stuck in a cave and they are attacked by bats. One of
which turns out to be rabid. The man is given an experimental treatment, and
has an allergic reaction to it. He then becomes a bat beast and has the obligatory killing of people. The man kidnaps the woman and goes psycho on her. She escapes, but eventually goes to him again. If it sounds boring and like a formula, it is. There's plenty of bat stock footage here too. Add to it a sheriff that will give you McCloud flashbacks. It's set in New Mexico.
In the hosting segments, The bots judge various
colors. No matter what color Crow sees, he wants to date Lisa Stansfield,
except for the eggshell color. Pearl sprays poison on Mike and the bots. Crow
suddenly gains multiple arms. Mike has a Tom Servo growing out of his back. Tom
gets hands the size of ping-pong paddles. They then administer an antidote.
Crow compares himself to Mary Tyler Moore, and Tom plays Lou Grant and Mike
plays Ted Knight. Mike falls asleep while eating a pastry, and the bots mistake him for having rabies. There's about 10 needles stuck in his stomach as he stands up. Mike tries growing a moustache, but Pearl isn't as turned on by this as she by seeing Crow with a moustache. Tom gets a ridiculously large moustache, and he can't stand up. Tom gets a franchise of the Buddy Ebsen hat distressing corporation. The kit looks incomplete. Pearl shows Bobo and the Observer slides of her many honeymoons. Seems that every man she's married has died.
#1011- The Horrors of Spider Island (1960) black
and white
Originally titled Ein Toter Hing Im Netz. It's a
German film about a bunch of women selected to go to Singapore to perform in a dance troupe there. One of the women has a very bad and very fake Southern drawl. Unfortunately, their plane crashes in the ocean, and they drift in the ocean for a while until they come to Spider Island. As Joe Bob Briggs would say, this film relies quite a bit on the actresses' talents rather than their talent. Giant Spiders inhabit this island, and of course, go on the obligatory biting spree, and turn one of the actors into a giant spider. Add to it a couple of silly and obviously staged catfights, then a pair of inept, horny rescuers. The women start fawning over the rescuers, and fight over them. I wish I could find women who turn into flirts at the least sign of danger like these young ladies do?as if such a woman existed. It stars nobody important. In other words, it's a 1960 male sexist fantasy come to life, complete with one scene with hefty retouching.
In the hosting segments, Mike reads an editorial
Crow wrote. Pearl moves the castle to another place because the fee for Bobo
went up considerably. Mike gets caught in a large web that the bots have set up. Mike parodies the first scene of the movie with the mads parodying dances. Observer parodies Flashdance. Pearl is dressed in the silliest looking tutu and can't dance. Crow wonders if everyone acts like the actresses in this film, and so they crash the SOL into something. Then Mike and the bots are dressed like the actresses in this film. Pearl moves the castle back because the new place has a rule against throwing garbage out the window.
IMDB link - Ein Toter Hing Im Netz
#1012 - Squirm (1976) color
With Short: A Case of Spring Fever (1940) black
and white
Don't watch this movie before, after or during
eating. A freak lightning storm mutates a bunch of worms into killers, but they
stay normal sized. Since they're in a small Georgia town, everyone has bad and
obviously fake Southern drawls. It's also beat-you-over-the-head with rural
Georgian stereotypes. If you can swallow this, the worms have a nasty bite, and
hundreds of them from a worm farm swarm the place and manage to kill people.
The hero is a nerdy Yankee antique dealer and fisherman that won't bait his own
hooks. The main heroine is a shock of red hair on a stick, and she has the
worst Southern drawl of them all. It stars nobody important. In the end, I was rooting for the worms.
The short, "A Case of Spring Fever"
concerns itself with a man who wishes he never had to deal with springs again.
Sure enough, Coily, an evil spring sprite grants his wish. Then they show how
springs affect a person's life. Coily sounds like a grouchy old man, and his
laugh is very grating on the nerves. Naturally, he laughs a lot. The hero of
the piece is just as annoying when he goes off on his tear on springs. He also
vaguely sounds like Torgo as well. Since it has the name Jam Handy on it
(Hired!, Uncle Jim's Dairy Farm) you can rest assured it stinks.
In the hosting segments, Mike does a safety check
on the SOL, and finds it's completely unsafe. The Mads make a cheap fair. The
star is a cardboard cut-out of Ben Murphy (Riding with Death.) Ape hair is one
of the snacks. The bots have a giant pig that Mike didn't know they had. The
bots wonder if there's an evil sprite connected to everything, and then wish
Mike away through Mikey, the evil Mike sprite. Initially the bots don't care about Mike's vanishing, then Mikey forces them to bring Mike back. Then they try to get rid of Mike's socks. In another one, Tom gets a case of Southern Belleitis. Mike cures him with an injection of pastrami. Mike tries to replicate the lightning storm hitting worms so he can make killer worms. He ends up making a nice snack.
It has a few tracking problems.
#1013- Diabolik (Europe 1967, USA 1968) color
Sadly MST3K's last official episode, if you don't
count the Assignment: Venezuela video. It's an Italian and French co-production that doesn't star anyone important. Diabolik is a man who is a professional thief. He had the obligatory hot & steamy love scenes with the hot blonde babe, as is with all James Bond rip-offs. Diabolik goes around and creates chaos and havoc wherever he goes. He puts laughing gas at a political speech, then he gets the idea to steal a large necklace with the most perfect emeralds on it to please his girlfriend. Diabolik's girlfriend gets hurt in this heist, and then kidnapped by another bad guy. Diabolik rescues her, but seemingly dies in the process. He's not dead, however. He goes on committing more crimes. He steals the world's largest bar of gold, and then gets covered in molten gold. Despite being covered in molten gold, (And being stuck in that for over 24 hours) HE STILL DOES NOT DIE. Diabolik reminded me of those perfect jocks
at school who would always beat up on anyone they could. His girlfriend
reminded me of those bimbo cheerleader types that think they can always get
what they want. This movie is like Bonnie and Clyde meets James Bond done
badly. It must gain something in translation, because I saw several comments on
this film by French people who said it was funny and good. Then again, these
people also think Jerry Lewis is funny and good.
In the hosting segments, Tom finds an employee
handbook by Pearl and it's written in her autocratic style. Grievances are
handled by repeatedly hitting yourself. Pearl invents a joystick that will
control the SOL. Since she uses a cheap Radio Shack joystick, naturally, it
breaks. This sends The SOL into a dive to earth. Pearl then becomes the ruler
of Qatar and decides they need a u in their name. In the last hosting
segment, we find out what happens to Mike and the bots. They somehow survive
the crash of the Satellite of Love, and move into an apartment in Milwaukee. Free of having to control the SOL's higher functions, Gypsy establishes a very profitable company. In the end, they watch "The Crawling Eye," thus making the bot's life trek a circle... You can see sections of this experiment in "The Last Dance - RAW!" from BBI.