Icehole and Quamp's tape comments:
***Please note- This contains some Spoilers***
So if you don't want things spoiled, don't read this
until you've seen the movies!
Key:
Experiment # - Movie title (year movie was made) format of film (color vs. black and white)
With Short: Short name (when short was made) format of short (color vs. black and white)
Sci-Fi era
#801- Revenge of the Creature (From the Black Lagoon) (1955) black and white
Mike, Tom, and Gypsy stop playing at the edge of the universe, and are brought back to the SOL to find a slightly different world. It's a world where apes evolved from man (now, where have I heard that before?)Mike and Servo find Crow in the year 2525 but Crow doesn't recognize Mike. Well, they contact the earth and talk to an ape named Bobo. They reenact a few lines from Planet of the Apes. Professor Bobo sends them their movie at the request of the lawgiver. They also talk about Mike's simian descendants.
As for the movie itself, it stars nobody important, and it's a sequel to the film The Creature from the Black Lagoon. Gil man is back, and not happy. Some guys venture back into the Amazon where Gil man lives. This time, they're out to capture it. (Funny how easily some Southern places can double for the Amazon.) We've got some boring scenes where the Gil Man is transported from the Amazon back to the USA and into an aquarium. There's also an extremely boring sequence where they try to revive the Gil man. Once revived, the creature goes on the predictable rampage, and hurts people. There's also a buxom blonde ichthyologist who's there for no apparent reason other than to be eye candy to men and a hapless victim for the Gil man. The aquarium scenes are in poor light, and it's hard to tell what's going on. She realizes that what they're doing to Gil Man makes him unhappy. Predictably, Gil man escapes and goes on the obligatory rampage, hurting those he thinks has wronged him. The creature kidnaps the ichthyologist and takes her with him. The ending to the movie was very predictable. However, we find out in the final hosting segment exactly who the lawgiver is: Pearl Forrester. Seems she killed her son and was cryogenically frozen until the apes thawed her out.
Unfortunately, shortly after the penultimate hosting segment, there is a small tracking problem. It's very brief but noticeable.
IMDB link - Revenge of the Creature
#802- Leech Woman (1960) black and white
A lush of a woman argues with her husband, a researcher. He is trying to make an eternal youth formula. One of his customers is a 140-year-old woman from Africa. She gives the man an herb that doubles a person's life. Also according to her, the herb can be mixed with another herb to make a youth formula. However, he has to go to Africa to get the other herb. So he does so. The next part of the film is a cross between The Ugly American and Doctari. They have the obligatory run-in with the native that ends up in confinement. There they see the elderly woman rejuvenate and become young again. Unfortunately, the secret ingredient is a chemical from a man's brain. The women agree to give this treatment to the lush, and she chooses her husband to kill. The lush and another man escape and get caught in the jungle. Then they find out the cure is only temporary. Lots of stock footage of Africa here. Once back in the USA, she seduces men to get the ingredient to be young again. Once she kills another woman, the police arrive. It seems that the stuff won't work with the gland of a woman, and so this lush ends up killing herself. Lots of misogyny in this film. It stars nobody important.
In the hosting segments, Crow says the SOL is infested with prairie dogs. Mike doesn't believe him until Tom herds some by. Then a prairie dog comes out of Crow's varmint vac. Peanut convinces Bobo to wear a diaper. The Nannites go on strike while the ship needs repair. Bobo asks Pearl to give them some laws so she can actually be called the lawgiver. In the end Tom tries to do a Granny Clampett, but Mike and Crow stop him. He screams "Jed!" quite a bit.
Please note this copy is missing the stinger.
#803 - The Mole People (1956) black and white
Fresh off Leave it to Beaver, Hugh Beaumont's career takes a nosedive with a stinky disaster on film. It starts off with a professor talking about how much we know the surface of the world, but little about inside it. He's about as exciting as watching paint dry. He then says that the earth may be hollow and you could descend through a hole into these other worlds. In Asia, they find a stone in the ground that is marked with something. This plaque dedicates a building 5,000 years old. Translating the plaque, they find out if that if it is removed, the remover will cause destruction. Then an earthquake starts. After it subsides, a young boy comes in with a oil lamp that looks like a boat with teeth on it. He says he found it very high in the mountain where the epicenter of the earthquake was. They then decide to go up to the mountain. On the way they show some pretty boring backpacking sequences. They go up the mountain in more boring backpacking scenes. Like Lost Continent, there's also - ROCK CLIMBING! Then our vapid heroes find a hand sticking out of the snow. Then they find a carved head in the snow and an entrance after one of them steps on a thin piece of earth. They tie a line and lead everyone down to the cave. Once there, a rockslide traps them there. Once they realize they're trapped, they explore the cave to find an underground city. This is inhabited by mole people. They burrow around the place as our vapid heroes sleep. The mole people put bags over the guy's heads and drag them down. Later on, the Mole People take the guys to their leader. They tell these guys about where they are from. They are sentenced to die, and try to escape. Then they find out the Mole People can't tolerate bright light. Then they have a politically incorrect scene where the Mole People whip a bunch of Jerry and Sylvia clones. Next They have dinner with the mole people. He tells them they have slavery, human sacrifices, and the like. Believing they are Gods, our heroes tell them that they do not like those things. A female slave gets whipped, and then one of the guys falls in love with her. They tour a sweatshop where people make things. Then two of the good guys shoot their mouths off while a Mole man listens. After more beatings, the guy visits the slave woman again and makes some romantic moves on her. Sadly, before he can kiss her, someone interrupts them. At a crucial point, the flashlight goes out. They sentence the men to die. Then a really bad dancer dances badly. Then a woman gets sacrificed. Back with the lovers, the hero gets conked on the head, and his flashlight stolen. The slave runs away to find the others. The Jerry and Sylvia clones decide they've had enough of the violent oppression of the Mole People, and attack. The slave tries to free the men, who are now in a room of bright light. The slave enters the room of bright light to find her lover there. It turns out it's a pathway to the surface. After that, there's another earthquake, and the guys escape, but the slave woman gets crushed by a pillar.
In the hosting segments, Crow becomes Space Child, out to conquer the world. He gets a message from his master, and leaves. He also has flashing eyes. With the apes, it's lawgiver day. Tom has baked some various ethnic foods and Crow has made a mile-high meringue pie. Bobo says he hates lawgiver day while Pearl enters. Crow cuts a piece of his pie as movie sign flashes. Crow falls quite a distance down. The bots have a visit from the professor at the beginning of the film, and it turns out to be Mike. Tom dresses like a beatnik and sings about the movie. Then one of the strings on Servo's guitar breaks, hitting Mike in the eye. Ouch! Crow "unearths" a prehistoric version of himself underneath the bridge. Mike and Tom aren't fooled, it's really Crow. In the end, they find a civilization in the bottom of the SOL like the Mole People. Pearl gets a gift on her appreciation day: a very handsome man.
#804- The Deadly Mantis (1957) black and white
At the Distant Early Warning Line (DEW line) in Canada, a group of army men find a place destroyed. The only clue as to what did it is a large footprint. The scientists conclude that it is a giant praying mantis. Never you mind that an insect as large as this mantis wouldn't be able to stand, let alone survive in the Arctic?As with most of these bad films, the mantis goes on the obligatory rampage, killing a bunch of people and destroying property for no apparent reason. Somehow, it manages to get to the USA, and attacks Washington, D.C. They manage to wound the mantis and trap it in a tunnel. Unfortunately, this doesn't stop it from killing more people. Mike falls asleep at the wheel, and gets woken up by a near miss. He turns on the radio to hear Pearl singing. No matter what station he turns to, it's all bad country and western music. While driving, Tom strikes an alien with the SOL. Once inside, the alien eats Crow.
In the hosting segments, Tom makes a casual day on the SOL, but nobody will participate in it. Bobo and the apes blow things up with their neighbor's thermonuclear device. Tom tries to hold a eulogy for Pearl, but nobody can think of anything good to say about her. We also have the introduction of the winged autobus of doom. Pearl gives Bobo a gun, and he ends up shooting both of his feet.
#805 The Thing That Wouldn't Die (1958) black and white
Originally titled The Thing That Couldn't Die. They start on a stereotypical 1950's farm. There's a woman looking for water there using a diving rod. Then three people on horseback approach. One of them sketches her portrait. She finds something, but warns the people that whatever she found is evil. They ignore her. "I hope a tree falls on you!" she shouts just before one does. At home, they say someone lost her watch. The woman who was hunting water says that a packrat stole it. They find it in the rat's hole. They also find an evil charm there, too. They give her the charm. After digging where the woman pointed, they find a chest. On the chest it says do not open it. It's dated 1579, and one of them tells her that it probably belonged to Sir Francis Drake, and it would be worth thousands by itself. Back at home, the seer woman gets hit on by a guy who believes her. He then spies on her in her bedroom, giving me Manos flashbacks. Then he goes around and talks with another guy. Later someone cuts open a purse and steals a key while the woman sleeps. Naturally, the curious farmhands go open the chest. They find a severed head in it. Then someone commits a murder. The head had its eyes closed when first opened, and then they go wide open. The murderer takes the head and the body of the victim off. A dog howls sinisterly. They spot the killer with the head. To find the body of the killed, they dip the diving rod into the victim's blood. Then she's somehow transported back in time to the era of Sir Francis Drake, and finds out that the criminal was beheaded. However, he was cursed so that his head would never die. She rushes around and comes into the police. They deduce that one of the hands is the killer. At night, the killer shows the head of the dead guy. It then reacts to her and speaks silently to the woman. She goes outside to meet it. Then the killer confronts the police, and they kill him. Next one of the women takes the head and puts it into a closet. Next they tell the psychic about how what happens, and she gets mad. Up in her room, she is given a hatbox. She opens it to find the head there. After donning a black dress and having a drink, the rod-wielding woman starts dowsing again. She finds something. She kisses the man that hit on her earlier. They find the body of the man whose head was in the chest. The douser brings in the head, and puts it on the body. Then the ranch hand shows the talisman. This causes the severed head guy to die and turn to bones. Silly at best. Everyone acts stupid.
In the hosting segments, Tom makes various incarnations of Crow. One is Crow holding Tom under his thumb. Another is Crow's head on barbed wire next to a sign that reads "Crow is a fink." The SOL gets caught in a tractor beam that sucks them to the planet of the Observers. "Wouldn't it be more convenient to leave your brains in your head?" Gypsy asks. They give her a bunch of double-talk as their answer. They take Pearl in as an experiment. An observer comes into the SOL and watches Mike assemble a model, then makes a few rude comments about Mike and the bots. They leave in a fit of anger one by one. Finally, out of sheer frustration, Mike puts a bag over the observer and ejects him from the SOL. Mike & the bots try to play Risk when Mike's old school bully appears. Then it changes to Hadrian, Crow suggests that Mike think of Adrianne Barbeau, and then Mike does. She beats on him too. This is all courtesy of the Observers. Crow makes a documentary of the Civil War. It's much like the mishistory of America. Most of it is credits. Mike severs Tom's head at his request. Crow isn't surprised. Pearl can't help but gripe and moan about the bed. She's even more angry when she finds out she has to sleep next to Bobo.
IMDB link - The Thing that Couldn't Die
#806 The Undead (1957) black and white
What's this, another Roger Corman disaster on film? It seems some guys touch something, and it turns into a turkey. That seems to be the case for Roger Corman and film. It starts with a badly-acted devil, then we see a woman walking in the fog. She needs a light, then a man gives her one. Then they have a scene at the American Psychical Research. She goes there, and talks to two men. They talk about putting the woman into a deep trance. She's paid a lot, then put into the trance. It's extremely clear that the writer has NO CLUE about how hypnotherapy works. The sequences of hypnotherapy are pretty long and boring. The woman suddenly has a past life regression. She's in a medieval dungeon. She's accused of being a witch, then her jailer comes onto her. He's pretty ugly, too. She attacks her jailer, and manages to escape. Then she finds a hearse and climbs into it. She gets rescued by a kind warlock, Next they show a cat turn into a sexy blonde woman (hereafter referred to as the temptress.). She's the lover of a local sculptor. She tries to make the move on him, but he resists. Next we see her running to another home. Flashback to the present. The woman is delirious. Next, back in the past, she runs into an old hag. She leaves and goes to the Inn, where the temptress awaits. The hag tells the Temptress that the other woman is her sister. She tries to kill the other woman via a statue. Next she turns into a bat and goes to the gravedigger. She tries to hit on the gravedigger, who resists. Then the gravedigger goes to the other woman and kisses her. Back in the present, the psychologist can't believe what he's seeing. Next the shapeshifter visits a knight, showing that her sister is in a dungeon. The knight goes to rescue her, and fights the jailer. He rescues her, then she tells him she's a witch. Back in the present, the psychologist tries to tape all this. In the past, someone arrives, attacks the knight and takes his armor. Next in the graveyard we have three women who are supposed to be dead. Two of them look like the women earlier in the film. Next they show the townspeople talking to the devil. They are about to have a satanic wedding between the knight and the shapeshifter. The man who came though time stops it. Then the good guy and the sister of the shapeshifter kiss at the hag's place. The knight comes in and talks to the hag. Meanwhile, an imp knocks on the door, but doesn't get in. Next everyone gathers together. The heroine's given the choice of going with her love, the guy who came through time, or nothing. Next they show some women getting beheaded. Then the shapeshifter comes up to the platform. She returns to the present, and they talk about what happened. However, one of the psychologists is missing. Back in the past, the devil tells the man that came through time he's stuck there forever.
In the hosting segments, Mike recounts what happened last episode. The bots tell him to recount things from the very beginning. Pearl and Bobo take intelligence tests, but Bobo cheats off of Pearl. The observers say Bobo is dumb. Crow falls asleep on his test. Gypsy does well. Bobo parodies the famous stack the boxes to get to the banana experiment in the background. Mike and Tom do average. Servo becomes one of the Observers. They find he's been swiping things. Someone has summoned the witch (played by Bridget Jones) from the movie to the SOL bridge. She can't seem to stop shapeshifting. At one point, she shapeshifts into Pearl. Mike brings out an old record player and plays a rather bad song. It sounds like Kevin's voice slowed down a bit. Crow becomes an imp. They find out Leonard Maltin gave the film 3 stars. Mike turns himself into Leonard Maltin and reads a retraction that Tom wrote. In the end, they show Bobo slicing up one of the Observer's brains, and eating it. That observer screams as he does this. He then hastily tries to tape the brain back together.
#807 Terror from the year 5000! (1958) black and white
Scientists are trying to break the time barrier. They get what looks like an abstract statue. It is sent to a museum, where there's a Hugh Beaumont clone in charge and a bimbo secretary, She was chosen for her looks and not her acting ability. They find out that the statue is radioactive. Then there's a boring car chase. This movie drags to a screeching halt very quickly. The scientists continue to try to bring things from another time. There's a scene of a fight in shallow water for no apparent reason. They then go into a very fake set of a bar and talk for a while. Then the terror shows up; it's a woman in a cheap sequined outfit. She attacks a guy, and kills him. They find the body and examine it. It turns out she's radioactive as well. The creature then kills a nurse, and takes her face and form. She tells one of the scientists that in the year 5000 mutants are born a lot. Then she says that to reverse this, pre-atomic energy genes must be acquired, and invites him back to the future. Before she can, the bimbo and her get into brief scrape. The woman is sent back to the year 5000 and the scientist is killed. Then they give a moral, and by the time they give it, you really don't care anymore. It stars Ward Costello, Lou's younger and less talented brother.
In the hosting segments, Tom comfort rates various objects after getting an insulated coat. Crow helps out. Pearl is forced to fight Bobo by the Observers. Mike is forced to fight the bots. Mike invents a time machine, and puts Crow in it. The observers sing "When I Have My Brain in My Arm." After that, they talk about The pill diet of the Observers. In the end, Beez appears as the Terror and Mike sets her up on a date with Crow. Pearl refuses to kill Bobo.
Please note there are tracking problems on this copy.
IMDB link - Terror from the year 5000!
#808 The She Creature (1956) black and white
We open up with some stock footage of the sea and marine life. Then we see a doctor stare down a mean-looking dog. He finds a large, inhuman footprint. He goes to a social party. A woman talks about something reminiscent of The Undead. Naturally, her companion is skeptical. Then they show a young couple strolling on the beach. The dog meets them too. Then they see a beach house. The man comes in to find the place a mess. Next they go to a carnival after talking about the She Creature. Next we see a hypnotist who has a woman in a trance. She comes out of her trance and says she hates being at the place. She wants to leave him, but can't. Then there are two officers talking. They tell us the couple from earlier died. Then they tell us the woman under the spell of the hypnotist is turning into a creature that kills people. Next they show a party where a woman dances badly. Then there's more talking. The hypnotist hypnotizes the woman again. He tells the audience about reincarnation, and that it's true. He regresses her to her past life, which she describes. She talks about it being 1619, but it's hard to hear her because she mumbles. Then her 'spirit' does some things like open a window and summons a dog. Next the hypnotist tells a doctor that the she creature is coming. Then it arrives, looking like some kind of humanoid bug. Later the woman tries to leave the hypnotist. However, he hypnotizes her and tells her that her creature form must kill the skeptical doctor. He tries to kiss her, but she snaps out of it. Then there's more mumbling. He tells them this is all real. The hypnotist writes a successful book and then goes on a tour. Next a kissing couple witnesses a car accident. A car goes over a cliff and crashes. The woman later confronts the hypnotist, saying she won't be part of his games anymore. He fights back. They're on the beach. The dog gets hypnotized and goes after someone. At one point, she resists being hypnotized. Then there's a guy who's fallen in love with the woman. He doesn't want the hypnotist hypnotizing her anymore. The police arrive in a poorly lit scene. The She Creature comes back to the woman, and tries to help her. The woman's soul separates from her body. Then it turns into a vapor and leaves. The police rush to everything and fire guns.
In the hosting segments, Crow and Tom get the thawmaster and the thighmaster mixed up. Crow melts while Tom can't unfreeze his ham. The observers try to dissect Bobo. Pearl is in a force field and begs Mike and the bots for help. Mike asks the Nannites to sever the tractor beam. This distracts the Observers. One of them gets their brain taken by Pearl, and then the Nannites destroy the Observer's planet. Crow creates a Carlo Lombardi doll. It looks pretty silly and sticky. Tickle me Carlo Lombari can't come off Mike's hand. Mike turns it into a mess. Next there's more talking. Then more of the carnival. Pearl and Bobo take their Observer into the winged autobus of doom. They try to sing "Row, Row, Row You Boat," but Bobo can't get it right. They get a flat tire. Bobo gets out to fix it, and falls quite a distance. Mike gets a book called Do Not Act by Lance Fuller, the star of this movie. He tries his hand at not acting. Try as he might, Mike can't act as bad as Lance. In the end, Mike tries to escape from Pearl, but Brain Guy stops him.
#809 I Was a Teenage Werewolf (1957) black and white
Everyone has to start somewhere, and for Michael Landon, this was it. Some actors become great because they make quite a number of mistakes the first time out, and learn from them. That's pretty much the case here. It starts off with a fight between Landon and another guy. The police break it up. Next Landon takes his girlfriend out on a date. She was pretty much chosen for her Marilyn Monroe-like looks and not her acting ability. They eventually have a fight and she slaps him. Next they meet at a malt shop, and a Danny Bonaduce clone sings really bad.Another blonde woman is now in a clown suit for no apparent reason, and dances with the singer. Then a guy tries to scare everyone by falling down, showing he has a knife in his back. It's a trick, however. A brunette woman gets a gag gift of a box that spews out something. Next Landon visits a psychiatrist who hypnotizes him. Later at the same malt shop, Landon takes his blonde girlfriend back out. They return to her home, and he walks home. Next they show a brunette woman in a 1950's leotard that does absolutely nothing for her. Then Landon goes into a counselor's office. After that, he visits his girlfriend, who's a gymnast. Then he finally turns into a werewolf (about 5/6ths of the way through the movie.) He chases her around a bit. Then there are some more boring talking scenes that are tough not to ignore. The werewolf hides and the townsfolk make a posse to hunt him down. The hunting scene is pretty boring except for the one point where one of them gets attacked by the werewolf. After turning back to a human, Landon seeks help from a psychologist. Landon turns back into a werewolf and tears up a lab and a man. A policeman shows up and fires his gun at the werewolf, hitting him. Then the werewolf turns back to Landon, and is dead.
In the hosting segments, Tom says that Mike isn't competent to lead anymore. Pearl, Bobo and Brain Guy go camping on a planet. Something happens on the SOL and they loose shields. Tom goes off, and returns with an alien life form on his head (it's actually the alien teething nook that Dr. F invented a while back.) Crow gets a device that allows him to see how many of the aliens are on the ship. Crow creates a panic when he says they're everywhere, but had the device on the wrong setting. Tom turns into a commando and starts shooting up the place. He's going after the alien that had possessed him. Then they find a whole mess of eggs on the bridge. Mike gets the idea of making a giant omelet. Mike reverses the energy pole as a giant alien attacks the SOL. Mike turns into the lead singer of Counting Crows, and gets rid of the alien. Pearl tells a scary story.
IMDB link ?I Was a Teenage Werewolf
#810 The Giant Spider Invasion (1975) color
Alan Hale, Jr.'s career never quite reached the heights of Gilligan's island after that show was canceled. This skunk of a film, along with Angel's Revenge proves that. He's a sheriff here, much like in The Crawling Hand. They have a bunch of 1970's people in stereotypical clothing from the time. There's also a hellfire preacher. They also show a light coming from outer space. There's a woman and a Torgo-like guy with blonde hair, and they talk. Then the light from space lands near their place. Alan Hale Jr. spends quite a lot of time on the phone in this film. Then they show the Torgo clone in his underwear along with the woman. Then they have two guys talking. There's an increase in gamma radiation in the area where the light landed. Next morning, the Torgo clone is ordered by the woman to investigate the light. Then they have a very boring show about stars. Once out there, they find out one of their cows is dead. Then they find some weird things on their property. This leads them to a crater. Finally free from the phone, Alan Hale Jr. visits a bar where he talks to the bartender and a waitress. Back with the Torgo clone, he tries to open the things he found. It opens by itself, and he finds that diamonds are in the sphere. There's also an alien spider there, too. But he doesn't notice it because it's normal sized. He decides to take the diamonds to a rock shop. However, the spiders are crawling around the place...
Back with the sheriff, he talks to some more people. Then the wife of the Torgo clone says she saw a large spider. Torgo clone attributes it to her being drunk. Then Torgo clone finds a dead and partially decomposed body. The woman makes a drink for the Torgo clone, and she wants to call the sheriff. Torgo clone stops her, though. He goes out to bury the body, and a spider crawls on his leg. He kills it with a shovel. Later, The wife goes to bed, and the spiders attack. (BTW, she's pretty much a stick.) She runs around into a spiderweb, then gets eaten by a giant spider. It's really fake looking. At the rock shop, a Charles Manson clone tells the Torgo clone that the diamonds aren't of high value. Later the sheriff visits the home of the Torgo clone. He's looking for someone who vanished. The Torgo clone tells him that he doesn't know anything. At the lab, they tell about how the spiders might cause a black hole to appear on earth. Torgo clone walks around, then gets eaten by a giant spider. Next at the bar, people spar. Next the Charles Manson clone gets attacked by a giant spider. He crashes his car into a place, which explodes into a fireball. Next more spiders hatch in the bedroom of a woman. She screams. She then gets attacked by the giant spider. The spiders tear the place she's in down. Later they show a man shooting at the spider. He takes the woman from earlier and puts her into his car. Then two guys rush up a hill only to find a giant spider there. They trip over each other and roll down the hill trying to get away from it. Then some old man gets a posse together to hunt the spider down. The sheriff stops this. Next there's a carnival going on with kids there. The giant spider comes towards it. Two guys walk in the dark, and find the crater on the farm of Torgo's clone. The sheriff then tells us he's called for the national guard, since mobs are getting out of hand. Then one of the deputies goes to fight the spider. Despite hitting it with several bullets, the spider goes and consumes him. Someone hits it with a Molotov cocktail, and the spider bursts into flames. Then the film runs backwards and the flames "go out." Then the film ends. No resolution here. I Frankly, when they kept shouting "Go Packers!" It reminded me a lot of some of the mobs that were around when the Cowboys were good in the early 1990's. It was filmed entirely in Wisconsin, and it shows. It also has the name Bill Rebane (Monster A-Go Go) on it.
In the hosting segments, Tom becomes a cheerleader. Mike and Crow aren't impressed. Pearl, Bobo and Brain Guy have a big fish fry after catching a lot of fish. Tom wants to go canoe portaging, and has a canoe on his head. This he uses to strike Mike and Crow down. Brain Guy sends up some eggplant-like pods. Gypsy gets hypnotized and acts weird. Mike tells the others he suspects she's hypnotized, but they aren't convinced. Mike and Tom have trouble staying awake and not getting replaced by an evil pod person. Crow drank too much caffeine and is wired. Mike tells Bobo what the pods do, he's not convinced. While he tells Mike he's going to take action, Pearl and Brain Guy (who were taken over by the pod people) tie him up. A fake Servo tries to take the place of the real one. Mike gets the fake one to leave after asking him about Servo's underwear collection. In the end, Mike tells Bobo that he must destroy the mother pod. He finds it, and destroys it. Since Pearl missed them watching the movie, Mike and the bots have to watch it?again.
IMDB link - The Giant Spider Invasion
#811 Parts: The Clonus Horror (1978) color
Dick Sargent (Bewitched) and Peter Graves star in this eyesore of a film. Peter Graves should really have stuck to television; his TV series list (Mission Impossible, Biography, and Discover: The World of Science) is infinitely better than his movie career. They start off with mannequins in a row. Then they show candidate Peter Graves giving a speech. Next they're at a school where everyone's in jogging suits and runs around. Next they show a bunch of people bicycling. Then they show two guys doing push-ups. As you can imagine, this drags the film down to a snail's pace. More exercise, this time with people wrestling. Next they show two guys in white coats watching them. One is Dick Sargent. Then a bunch of people make out. Then in a hospital, Sargent operates on one of the guys, in something akin to A Clockwork Orange. Then he's covered in plastic and encased in smoke. Later there's a guy and a woman talking. Sargent watches this too. Then we find out they're both clones, and marked with a tag. She's taken away, then Sargent says they should interact. After eating a healthy meal, the male clone wanders out alone. He finds a beer can in a river. Next Sargent shows everyone a film about America. It's extremely unrealistic. Then the man shows Sargent the beer can that he found. The man then asks a question to a computer about the beer can. Next they show the woman in a very slow bike ride. She's given a note that she reads. Later the man and the woman meet each other, and talk. He's fallen in love with her, and vice versa. However, being clones, they shouldn't be in love. Next morning, they show the lovers in each other's arms with a fire going on behind them. In a poor choice of camera angles, the smoke from the fire looks like it's coming out of the woman's behind. Next there's a race. Then the guy complains of a burning sensation in his chest. Sargent is on hand as he's examined. Next we see a lamp in a dark room. Then two people exit. One is the guy. Next they show a guy talking to himself. Then the guy goes rifling through a bunch of files. He finds a map of the USA, and it shows Milwaukee. He finds more files, then looks some more. He finds a video explaining what's going on: he's on a clone farm. People are bred for various reasons. The man runs away from the place. The people go after him. Next they show him in the streets of New York, A guy on a motorcycle goes after our hero, shooting at him. He runs into a pile of garbage. Then a kindly old couple takes him in. Later they introduce the clone to smoking and swimming in a pool. Sargent's boss chastises him for letting the clone escape. Then the clone meets the man he was cloned from. Then we see Peter Graves at a marina, entering a sailboat. He's with another guy. They argue the semantics and ethics of cloning. Graves says clones aren't human. Then we find out the guy was bred because his host is suffering from a disease and he wants to be normal again. The clone tells someone he wants to return to his idyllic life. Back with Graves, he's told that this clone has to die. Then Graves and the man fight, and both get stabbed. Next a place burns down, and the clone looks up and sees a brunette woman standing there. It's the woman from earlier, but she's brainwashed now. Sargent has some guys kick the hero around. Next Graves talks. He's a candidate for president.
In the hosting segments, Mike grows a moustache. It doesn't look good on him, however. It looks like a 1970's biker moustache. The bots chide him on this. Mike then shaves most of it off. Pearl, Brain Guy and Bobo find three kids (Mike Nelson, Bridget Jones and Paul Chapin on their knees.) The kids immediately adopt Pearl as their new mother. Pearl acts rude, then the kids force them to start punching themselves. Despite Mike's awkward pleading otherwise, the kids send them the movie. Then Pearl and Brain Guy play Candyland with the kids. Bobo plays catch with one of the kids. The kid can't stop hitting Bobo in a naughty place. Later, frustrated by the kids, Pearl begs Mike to help her out. Brain Guy brings some fruit snacks. Mike and the bots put on a mock kids show that's pretty bad. The smiling letter A and number 3 is silly looking. It makes the kids cry, and then they get movie sign as punishment. Later Pearl Brain Guy and Bob talk to the kids about the facts of life. The kid Bobo talks to is horrified. Then again, his advice is to grab a hold of the mate and hold on tight. The kid knocks Bobo down with one punch. Crow gets a nose job, and it makes him sound like he's got a head cold. Tom has a tape he wants to play for the kids. It's pretty bad music, and naturally, they cry. "It's a John Agar film festival for you!" Pearl shouts at the end.
IMDB link -Parts: The Clonus Horror
#812- The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-up Zombies (1963) color
Probably one of the longest names ever given to a movie, and that's about the only good thing you can say about it. Starring nobody important, this disaster on celluloid starts off in a nightclub where a man and woman dance. She's a closet lush. It gets very disjointed and extremely confusing after that. There's a part about an amusement park where a couple of people are. They get their fortune read by a fortuneteller named Esmerelda. She's a stereotypical fiery tempered Latin lady. It turns out she turns disgrunted customers into zombie-like creatures. There's also a cabaret-dancing scene. We also have a Barbara Strisand wannabe that really can't sing very well, and another lily-white Bob Dylan wannabe that can't sing or play the guitar, which he does. Then there's some weird guy who goes around killing people. Also there's a racially offensive scene with a bunch of women in a racially offensive African scenario that get killed. The creatures themselves don't show up until about 2/3rds of the way through the film. None of it makes any sense whatsoever. The ending is disappointing to say the least. The Fortune teller's assistant is Ortega, the Sci-fi era's answer to Torgo.
In the hosting segments, the bots sign up for a walk-a-thon. The acronyms for these causes are pretty long. Pearl babysits some kids. She feeds them some pretty bad stuff. The bots get hair like the female singer in this film. Mike decides to get his hair done by the nannites, One named Shelly makes his air so big, it goes out of the SOL and catches another satellite orbiting the Earth. Crow hires Ortega (from the movie) to cater the break. This is but the first of a few appearances by Ortega. In the end, Mike is strapped into a roller coaster with a hot cup of coffee. Pearl returns some kids to their parents.
IMDB link - The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-up Zombies
#813 - Jack Frost (1964) color
Originally titled Morozko. Another trashy 1960's Soviet disaster, it starts in a cabin. An old man rocks a teenager to sleep. Then the scene turns reminiscent of Heidi. Next is gets pretty sickening. It looks like someone is sucking a scorpion claw. Then a young girl shows some knitting she's been doing to a rooster. She begs the sun to stop until she's finished knitting. It does. Then her evil mother gives her more chores to do. Then they show a bunch of guys pulling petals off of daises for no discernable reason. Then a guy throws sticks in the air for no discernable reason. More scenes with nature, giving me The Day the Earth Froze flashbacks. Then a blonde guy reminiscent of Lemminkainen (from The Day The Earth Froze) finds a brown mushroom guy. The guy runs, and the blonde guy follows. Then the mushroom guy creates a bow and arrow. He asks for thanks, but blondie won't give it. Then blondie goes into a cave. Next the woman from earlier goes down the path, holding a yoke of water buckets. Our blonde hero finds the woman, and then immediately falls in love. She tells him she has no time for him, as she has to finish her chores. Then a bear man finds her. It's the blonde guy. He believes the woman is a witch and curses her. She weeps next o a bunch of rapidly growing flowers. Then the bear dude finds out he killed an animal with an arrow. Then the mushroom dude visits and tells him to become human again, he must go do a good deed. He then frightens a bunch of children. Then he frightens a bunch of ladies. He then gives a copper to a poor boy, but this doesn't turn him back into human. Back with the woman, she's getting tormented by her stepmother and her meaner, older sister, something like Cinderella. They dress the older sister like a playing card. Then the bear dude gives the woman a ride on his back, along with a bundle of sticks. Like Cinderella, there's a prince that comes in and wants to see the both daughters. He says neither daughter is worthy of him. Then the evil older sister is thrown into a pond. When the guy picks up a stick, he turns human again. Next we see the woman taking a sleigh ride. Then the blonde guy comes to a house with feet. In it is a hag that the blonde asks to help the woman. Then there are moving trees. The trees pick up the blonde and heave him into the house, along with themselves. The hag tries to put the blonde into an oven. He tricks her into the oven, and throws the living trees out. Then, at long last, Jack Frost appears, putting winter on everything. This is accomplished by running the film backwards. Jack Frost then finds the woman, and gives her his cloak. She passes out from cold. Then JF summons a sleigh of ice to take her away. Then the hag gives the blonde guy a sleigh. It flies away from both of them, and she says he has to get it back. They repeat some footage before showing a cat on a spiderweb. (I just relate these movies; thank God I don't have to explain them.) The hag talks to various animals in her place. She sends her cat to find them. He eventually catches it, but that doesn't stop the sleigh from going even more. Then they show a dog trying to lead the father of the woman to her. However, the evil mother doesn't let the man follow. The dog goes to the blonde man after that. At the house of Jack Frost, the woman touches his winter scepter. She becomes transparent and faints. Jack Frost realizes he left the scepter in his home, and goes back for it. Then we see the cat bring the pig sleigh back to the hag. At Jack Frost's place, the blonde dude begs forgiveness from the woman, and she wakes up. Jack & the dog exit by running the film backwards again. Then the woman and the blonde fall in love. The hag isn't happy about this, however. Then they show the evil family again. The mother chastises her husband. Next the woman returns to her family with the blonde. Upset about how her sister gets to live happily ever after, the sister attacks a crowd of women. Jack Frost finds a woman there. It's the evil sister. She demands that JF bring her a husband. The hag visits a bunch of men. They end up attacking the sleigh and tying the woman up to the tree. The blonde guy fights back, knocking most of the men down. There's a hefty amount of bad special effects. Then man breaks the hag's broom, immobilizing her. The dog unties the woman, and they go off again. The blonde man and the woman marry and live happily ever after.
In the hosting segments, Mike Nelson becomes Lord of the Dance, parodying that show. He and the bots dance pretty badly. Then Bobo and Brain Guy call. They're arguing because Pearl is away and they can't decide who's in charge. Bobo's has a lot of hygiene needs. Brain Guy brings Mike down to take care of them. Mike and the bots have a visit from Soviet comic Yakoff Smirnoff to explain the customs in the film. Unfortunately, Yakoff does his bad act. Crow says that Yakoff won't get paid for this. Later Crow turns into a bear robot. Then they check in on Bobo and Brain Guy. They're talking about various things. Later Crow compares Rocky IV to US-Soviet relationships. Then he goes through a complicated thing about how he decided to call on someone. The guy can't hear them, and just takes orders at a deli. In the end, Tom tries to imitate the woman in the film, but Mike and Crow can't figure out what he's saying, because he's talking in an accent. Bobo and Brain Guy get drunk and debate a movie. Pearl comes back, and she's angry.
#814 Riding with Death (1976) color
The story starts with a long and boring plot line described on the screen. A satellite is found on the ocean floor. In retrieving it, the satellite explodes, leaving the retriever invisible. Fiddling with him allows him to turn this on and off at will. They show some stock footage and then have a very boring briefing over their mission. There's a chemical that will triple gas mileage, and they need to move it. Our agent is assigned this task. There's a heroine that's short blonde hair on a stick. Now we've got very boring driving sequences with a semi. Lots of 1970's trucker lingo follows. Then the blonde hair on a stick goes into a warehouse and finds the place has been rigged to explode. She prevents the explosion, and finds that someone has embezzled quite a lot of money. When she throws away a piece of paper, it explodes. She finds out that this chemical turns into a very unstable explosive. However, the bad guys catch her. They put her in a sack and then in a safe, and load her onto the truck. Next a bunch of people try to hijack the truck. They fail. She manages to escape the bag and make a jerry-built protection for the chemical. However. Later on, our driver finds out his brakes have been cut. Then there's a hairpin turn that the trucker is too fast to make through safely. Then another trucker helps him stop. After opening the back, the driver finds the woman, who tells him everything she knows. He tells his boss this. Next the bad guys (who have been following in a chopper) start shooting at the truck. They manage to hit it, but not after our heroes jump off. The bad guys come to investigate, and then our hero manages to defeat them. Next this hero goes to a racetrack and finds his truck-driving friend racing cars now. He's got a girlfriend with a hick accent too. They go to a bar where the truck-driving friend sings and plays guitar. He really can't do either, however. He gets heckled and then a fight starts. Next they show a fighter making a test run. Something goes wrong, and the pilot has to eject. They accuse someone of sabotaging the plane. More fighting and later, they show what killed the pilot. Someone put heavy water in one of the mechanisms. Next a driver falls asleep at the wheel while racing. They find out some bad people are about to blow up the car the agent is driving.
In the hosting segments, Mike tries his hand at Japanese Bennihana table cooking. He's not too good, and cuts Crow's hand off. Bobo gets trench mouth as Pearl tries to get off a planet. Mike makes a bomb of baking soda and vinegar, but puts way too much baking soda on it. As usual, he ends up blowing up the planet. Bobo nearly dies. Tom does a song about the 70's, and he does a song about A.D. 70 to 80. Tom suddenly becomes a truck driver. Crow becomes Turkey Volume Guessing Man. He can guess how many turkeys it can take to fill up a given space. Pearl gets several medals from Brain Guy.
#815- Agent for H.A.R.M. (1966) color
There has to have been some major event in 1966 that caused quite a number of bad movies to be released. MST3K did 12 movies (not counting the shorts) from that year, more than any other. This is one of them. Another James Bond rip-off, it starts of with a long and boring chase sequence. They have the obligatory hot babe as a romantic interest and the secret agent. The main hero looks like a cross between Hugh Beaumont and that guy from Lost in Space. There's some kind of problem happening in Italy, and our hero is sent to investigate. His name is Adam Chance. He meets a professor that looks like Walt Disney, and his buxom blonde daughter. The daughter's an agent for the enemy, but that doesn't stop our agent from flirting with her. There's a disease called "spore" that kills people by turning them into a fungus. The professor can't find a cure for it, but did invent a gun that sprays this stuff on people. The enemy blonde bimbo steals the spore gun. Then she touches the spore and slowly dies. Filmed mostly at a beach house, it's pretty silly, contrived and stupid. Pretty bad acting also drags this one down. Seems to have gratuitous women at various points for no apparent reason, and have them in skimpy or skin-tight outfits. If they ever said what H.A.R.M. stands for, I don't remember it. This movie should have been titled H.A.R.M.F.U.L. to your health.
In the hosting segments, Crow gets into extreme yoga and Tom is into extreme philately (Stamp collecting.) Mike gets into extreme rice. Mike Nelson is put on trial for destroying all those planets he destroyed. Bobo defends him, and Pearl is the prosecutor. The Observer is the judge. In a video deposition, Crow swears like a marine (they censor him, though.) The final surprise witness is reminiscent of the movie Witness.
IMDB link - Agent for H.A.R.M.
#816- Prince of Space (1959 Japan, 1964 USA) black and white
Originally titled Yussei Oji. This is another bad Japanese Sci-fi film. An alien in a single ship invades Earth. The lone occupant (named [I kid you not] Krankor) transmits over every television channel. It's amazing that when the alien arrives, he encircles the globe, but only Asian people see him, even in places like Paris and Washington. Just as things look hopeless, a hero appears and stops the villain. This is the Prince of Space. The main villains have bad looking beaks on their noses, and it gave me "The Chicken of Tomorrow" flashbacks. His laugh is extremely annoying, and naturally, he laughs a lot. There's also a silly-looking monster thrown in that will obey the evil dude's commands. The Prince of Space is by day a shoeshine boy (shades of Underdog!) Add to it a bunch of bratty kids, lots of cheesy special effects, and a dragging plotline, and you get this disaster. It stars nobody important.
In the hosting segments, The bots play dog and bear. Pearl leads the SOL through another wormhole. Time gets out of whack, and then so do dimensions. Mike becomes a robotic puppet reminiscent of Fireball XL5 and Revenge of the Mysterions of Mars. Mike and the bots find themselves in a pleasant forest scene. They emerge in ancient Rome of all places.
#817 - The Horror of Party Beach (1964) black and white
This film starts off with a long and boring car ride to the beach. Next we see a young couple argue. Then we see some guys dumps some radioactive waste into the bay. It engulfs a skull, which mutates. The mutation sequence is long, slow, and BORING!. Eventually it looks like a cross between a frog, Devil Fish, and a man. Next they show a band playing badly and some people go-go dancing. The band has a Buddy Holly clone in it. Next some bikers in leather and drinking come in. They focus on one woman who comes up to their leader and they embrace. Next they show people kissing. It's supposed to be funny, but it isn't. Then they have a slow pan across the jetty, the horror rises. Then we have more of the crappy band singing and more go-go dancing. Then some guys get jealous over one woman and start fighting. The bikers get involved. One of them looks like Johnny Mathis. Most everyone mills around while they fight. Next the woman they were fighting over gets mad, and runs into the water, swimming away. There's more dancing. Meanwhile, the horror is creeping around on the beach. Then the horror attacks one of the women, and kills her. Then there's more kissing, more partying, and more of the horror slogging around. Then they find the dead body of the woman.
Next they show a Ward Cleaver clone and the police. The police give the man a tissue sample. Then they show his daughter, one of the partiers, leaving. Then he and his African-American servant talk. She's pretty bad, and they act terribly. Later the daughter returns and talks to her father. Next they have a slumber party, and a lot of women in nightgowns. They booby trap the door. The daughter phones them and tells them she's not coming. Then they have a bad sing-along. Next we find two different horrors slogging around outside. One of the women hears the horror while they're having a pillow fight. The horrors come in and kill them. Two of the women get carted away. Then a newscaster recaps everything. Then we see a kids selling newspapers with the headlines. After that, there's some women who drive around. They get gas, and flirt with the gas station attendant. They get some confusing directions from him where to go. Naturally, they get lost, and a flat tire. While they change the car's tire, the horror attacks. They try to hide in the topless car, but naturally that doesn't work. One hides in the trunk. Later the daughter and the housemaid talk. The daughter finds a voodoo doll that the housemaid made. Then a guy comes to take the daughter out on a date. They walk out on the beach, and meet the bad band again. They play terribly again. Then the daughter and her date stare into each other's eyes. They then walk side-by-side. Couples slowdance nearby. Next two women start walking home. The horror spies on them, and then attacks them. One of them gets its hand severed. The scientist examines the hand, and concludes it seeks out human blood. Then the housemaid enters. She spills a chemical onto the arm, and it bursts into flames, and dies. Next they show two drunks getting into cars and driving. Naturally, they have an accident, and can't drive their cars. They start walking home, and the horror shows up. Several horrors kill both of them. More recaps and more of the kid after that. Next the scientist figures out that the creatures are the result of radioactive waste. He tells someone to order sodium in vast quantities. He sends his assistant to get it. The housemaid tells a man that the daughter was going to the place where all the women were killed. Naturally, when she tests the water there, the horror shows up. She falls, and gets her foot caught between rocks while the horror rises to the surface. She manages to free herself but can only hobble away. Then her father finds her, and throws some sodium on one of them. It explodes into flames. He gets killed by another horror while they race more sodium to them. The boyfriend finds them in the nick of time. They throw sodium rocks at the horrors that show up, and one by one they explode into flames. (never you mind that sodium also reacts with the air, and turns into disodium oxide.) In the end, the horrors are defeated, and the scientist and his daughter are helped off. Then the boyfriend visits the daughter at her place. He tells her that her father will be fine. They make out at the finish. As the credits roll, we have more of the terrible band.
In the hosting segments, Mike explains how he's been sucked through a wormhole. Tom practices a Tibetan chant. Mike finds out it's a bunch of speakers and a CD. Pearl and Brain Guy are in ancient Rome, and the locals aren't too thrilled about them, until they try to pass themselves off as Gods. (The Roman people are Kevin Murphy and Bridget Jones.) Later the bots try to get Mike into a manly beach dance. The swimtrunks Mike wears are so small the bots think he's nude. Crow says he can't keep his lunch down as commercial sign comes on. Pearl and Brain Guy get into trouble when the woman calls them out on what they can do. Pearl says music, and then Brain Guy pipes in some music while he and Pearl fake playing. The Romans dance. Tom parodies the newspaper boy in the movie. Mike gets angry when all the news is about him buying papers from Servo. Mike and the bots parody the band and do a song about sodium. Pearl and Brain Guy feast. After Brain guy and the male Roman leave, Pearl and the Roman Woman (Flavia) get very catty. They then pull weapons on each other.
IMDB link - The Horror of Party Beach
#818 - Devil Doll (1964) black and white
Predating Child's Play by more than two decades, this slime of a movie is pretty much the same plotline, only it's done very badly. It starts out with the doll and an evil looking guy riding in a cab. We find out he's a ventriloquist. Next in an office, a man and a woman talk. Then they show the ventriloquist again. He hypnotizes a volunteer from the audience and makes him think he's in danger. Then he hypnotizes a woman to think she's a dancer. She then go-go dances with a guy. Then he does his act with the ventriloquist's dummy. He drinks while the dummy talks. He has the doll stand up and walk. On the way home, the couple talk. The man says there's something wrong here, and investigates. He sends his wife to ask the ventriloquist to perform at a charity ball. At the ball, the ventriloquist performs. The doll tells the ventriloquist that he wants to eat. Afterwards, the doll apologizes to the ventriloquist. He then hypnotizes a woman. The guy goes and paws the dummy, trying to find out its secret. While she's under, he kisses her. Later on, two guys talk about what happened. Then a blonde woman confronts the ventriloquist, and they argue. After that, they make up and kiss. Afterwards, they show the woman tossing and turning in bed while the doll stands up and gets out of its cage. Afterwards, the guy calls a detective and tells him to research the ventriloquist. After this, they show the woman that the ventriloquist hypnotized earlier in a swoon. Next they show the ventriloquist with a female dummy. The ventriloquist sees the blonde woman in a 1960's skimpy outfit. Then the detective tells about the ventriloquist's past: it seems he was kicked out of Tibet for trying to separate other people's souls from their bodies. He finds out what's going on. Then some people chat, with the ventriloquist around. One's an old woman with a thick eastern European accent. Next the ventriloquist hypnotizes a woman into marrying him. (Never you mind this is impossible.) Then the woman he's hypnotized tells her lover she's dumping him. Despondent, he goes to a bar and drowns his sorrows. Next the ventriloquist puts the dolls in its cage, and the woman opens it up. The doll takes the female doll. Then the ventriloquist tries to destroy the doll. Eventually, he gets the doll back into the cage. An extremely predictable plotline shoots this one down.
In the hosting segments, the bots have installed a window on the bridge. They tell Mike to open it. The bots act like it's a college frat. The Romans still think Pearl is a God. They have a party. Crow whines about how he's missing Debbie. Mike reminds him that he doesn't know anyone named Debbie. Crow tries to buy a doll from the demon Pitch (from Santa Claus,) and Mike stops him. The demon tells him that Demi Moore has a deal with him. The bots set up an "authentic" British pub. Unfortunately, the tap doesn't work. Crow manages to take the soul of Tom. He transfers it into a toaster strudel, apple cinnamon flavor. Mike tries to stop him, but can't. The demon is Pitch, from Santa Claus. Crow and Mike parody the movie, dressing Mike like the dummy and Crow like the ventriloquist. Tom has female legs on a toaster strudel. Pearl and Brain Guy have to listen to the male Roman ramble on, They find that Bobo has been fed to the lions.
#819- Invasion of the Neptune Men (1961) black and white
Originally titled Uchu Jaisoku-Sen. It's yet another example of stinky Japanese filmmaking from the 1960's. It starts off with some bad footage of a satellite heading to the moon. Then they show some Japanese kids watching this. Going outside, they determine that this satellite has fallen to Earth. The kids race over to find a spaceship there. Then the Neptune men show up. They look like guys with a bullet glued to their head. Then a Prince of Space rip-off enters, and the children manage to get away from the Neptune men. Some horrible music plays while the POS rip-off drives off the Neptune Men. The Neptune men retreat and fly off. Then a storm suddenly comes out of nowhere. The kids cheer the POS rip-off and he flies off. Next at a lab, a woman worries over a man who is sick. Then they show a scene where people get their ears hurt by a bad sound. A clock runs backwards. Next they show a Japanese go-go (and if you think the American ones stink, just take a look at the Japanese one; it's even worse than the one in Monster A-Go Go.) Mercifully the song briefly stops, but sadly, it starts up again. Then they hear the bad sound. Next they show the kids again, and they talk to some reporters.
After that, they show some people over an oscilloscope. The scientists there tell them that the Neptune Men are trying to take over the Earth. Next the kids go into the woods and find something there. It's a piece of the Neptune Men's ship. They take it to the scientists. More showing the kids, more of the scientists. The Neptune men show up again and then the scientists come up with an idea: a power dome. Next there's a very cheesy scene where rockets attack a power dome, but the dome holds up. The Neptune men are repelled. Next day, everyone's obscenely cheerful. The kids (who get brattier by the minute) start playing with toys. They then spot a device on the ground, and go up to it. Upon touching it, it makes a weird sound. They take it to the scientists, who determine that it is a message from the Neptune men. They tell the scientists that their victory is only temporary. They show a base where people do nothing but stare at the sky. The kids aren't worried, as the POS clone is on the job. However, the Neptune men attack using gale-force winds. We've got a long, boring sequence of people scrambling for shelter. The Neptune men show up disguised as soldiers. Then the POS clone shows up, and kills a few of them. Then more of the reporters and the kids and the scientists. It starts snowing in the middle of summer. We find out that the barriers have been destroyed. Then we're told the barriers have been fixed and are repelling the cold. It's here that Mike finds this movie too much to take, so he leaves the theater.
Next they show more of the film. It's a bunch of stock footage of things flying overhead intercut with the kids looking around. Then they show the spaceship attacking a city. A building with Hitler's visage blows up (guess the Japanese were a little sore about WWII at this point.) The POS rip-off tries his best to defeat the Neptune Men. The action sequences make this movie grind to a screeching halt. Then the sound they use to represent the spaceships flying is downright annoying. Near the end of this, Mike and Crow leave the theater. He then discovers that Pearl has shut off the oxygen in the rest of the ship. In the end, the POS clone saves the day, and obscene cheerfulness is restored. One if the kids is named Kenny. Gamera had a kid named Kenny in it too. So did Fugitive Alien. Is it mere coincidence that all of them turned out really bad? You decide. It was hard to endure this film, and very hard not to tune out the film and listen to what Mike and the bots are saying.
In the hosting segments, the bots show a picture in National Geographic of some microscopic creatures living in the eyelashes. Mike agrees to have the Nannites look in at this. They easily loose to the bug. Down in Ancient Rome, Pearl finds out that Bobo has made a name for himself as a gladiator. Back up on the SOL. The bots lament the death of the nannites, blaming mike for their decision. In Rome, the Romans build a statue to Bobo. Pearl needs a little convincing to do this. On the SOL, Mike's eyelashes get all junked up. Next the bots do Kabuki theater. Mike tries to explain Noh theater to the bots, who think that Noh is no. Gypsy gets it, but Crow and Tom don't. Next Tom contracts a disease that can only be cured by absorbing panties. In ancient Rome, Brain Guy and Pearl confront Bobo and tell him that he must leave. Flavia enters and confronts Pearl and Brain Guy. Next The bots can't take anymore, and leave the theater. Then the Phantom of Krankor makes a guest appearance on the SOL. The bots cheer him on, saying that POS was better than this trash (can't argue with that one.) They talk for a little, and then Krankor leaves. In the end, Crow uses a suggestion box to suggest that Japan stop making films. Bobo signs autographs. After hitting Bobo in the head with a slab of marble, Bobo blabs about who they really are and that they're not Gods. Flavia orders their capture.
#820 Space Mutiny (1988) color
They start with crappy credits. Then they have stock footage from Battlestar Galactica. There's a brunette on a stick that helps a shuttle land on the ship. Most of the women are clad in blue spandex, showing plenty of leg and cleavage, except for brunette on a stick. Then there's some cheap retro computer graphics. Then we see the ship is being attacked by Cylon warrior ships. Next they show a pair of men plant a bomb. Another one finds him, but they kill the finder. After that, there's a bunch of people on the spaceship. They blow up the bomb, causing chaos on the bridge. A fighter ship explodes in the bay, and this sends people running. The captain looks like a cross between Charleton Heston and Uncle Jesse from the Dukes of Hazard. He's worried about what's going on here. Next they show a bunch of women coming into a room. These are the Bellarians. One of the men there tells the women this is their quarters for now. After that, another guy in an enforcer sled talks to someone else in mumbled tones. We find out their ship is damaged and needs repairs, so they're going to go slow while they do this. Then they show some men talking about mutiny on the ship. One of them says this is a bad idea, and the others beat him up and kill him. Next the captain talks some more and they have more cheesy computer graphics. Back with the women, they are around a Van de Graff generator in a glass ball. Then there's some confusing, non-sequential images. Back on the bridge, the captain's daughter enters and argues with people. She was pretty much chosen for her large chest and not her acting ability. Below decks, some guy calls the bridge. He tells Brunette on a stick that there's been sabotage on the ship. She tells him to come to the bridge. Before he can get there, however, some goons attack. He gets thrown over a railing onto the floor. Then the Captain's daughter tends to a bunch of plants on the ship. Next they show a club with people dancing, pretty badly. The captain's daughter comes in, shaking her stuff and using a hula-hoop. She then cozies up to a slab of beefcake guy. Then Brunette on a stick enters, in the same blue spandex outfit. She goes to another place where one of the mutineers kills her. Then the captain's daughter and the beefcake guy find her, grab an enforcer and race after that guy. They fire lasers at each other. They pass by the same places a few times. Back on the bridge, the captain and his first mate talk. Next his daughter and the slab of beefcake charge into a place weapons drawn. They find out about the captain's shameful secret: He takes his enemies, tortures them, and then kills them. Next the mutineers attack them. The daughter and beefcake get away when they shoot a methane tank. Next the captain finds out that the women taken on board are witches. After an exchange, the captain names the beefcake guy flight commander. Later they have a party to celebrate this event. He goes to the daughter in the greenhouse, and they make out on the floor. Next the Valerians (the witches) dance. Two guards come in, and get caught in their dance. They pass out. The lead guard tells them to torture these two for deserting their post. Next they show more Battlestar Galactica stock footage. Then the beefcake guy comes to some celebrating men and barks out orders. Next the mutineers kidnap the captain's daughter. They then tell the captain that if he doesn't surrender the bridge, they'll throw the daughter out of the ship. They take the daughter and torture her. Next beefcake takes a guard's costume after knocking him down. Back with the daughter, they try to saw her teeth off with a laser. Her restraints don't look that confining. She then tries to seduce a guard, and kisses him. In a move of utter stupidity, he frees her, and then tries to unzip her dress. She then knocks him out, in a very predictable move as beefcake shows up. She too gets a perfectly sized uniform from this tall and flabby man. Then they knock out more guys and take their masks. Then the leader of the mutiny goes ballistic when he finds out about this. Then beefcake and the daughter go back to the Captain. They tell him the chief engineer is responsible for the mutiny. Next the witches dance some more. Then we have a lot of running around and chasing. Then we have a large shootout between the mutineers and the guards. Lots of fighting and lasers going off, then a lot of people falling from great heights. Beefacke gets a flamethrower and uses it. The chief engineer gets cornered in the gas expulsion system. Beefcake sets fire to it, and the guy is roasted alive. Later beefcake and the captain's daughter argue. Then a mutineer and beefcake play bumper cards with the enforcers. The daughter then tries to take a shortcut, but gets knocked down in the process. Beefcake rams his enforcer in to the other one. The two explode in a massive fireball. Beefcake pulls the Captain's daughter to her feet (ignoring the possibility she might have a spinal injury.) In the end, beefcake proposes to the captain's daughter, and she accepts. They make out. Then they show more Battlestar Galactica footage.
In the hosting segments, Mike shows the bots his encyclopedia set. They're really, really old. Mike then brings in a new set that has Internet links to update everything. They bots still aren’t happy. Pearl and Brain Guy are chained up in jail. It seems that the Romans found out they weren't Gods. Since Brain Guy's brain is far away from him, he's becomes an idiot. Pearl tells him to bring Mike down to her. First he gives Mike a pillowcase stuffed with goose down. Then he brings a CPA named Mike Down to them. Later Mike tries to enjoy some tea with pleasant music playing in the background. However, the bots are trying to kill each other. Their laser fire hits the SOL. Then they crash into the SOL. It turns out Crow and Tom trashed two escape pods. Then Gypsy slams into the SOL. Dust and dirt rain down on Mike all this time. The Crow that enters is the same Crow that was hit with the death ray in Danger!! Death Ray. Later Crow comes to Mike in drag while he's reading The Pelican Brief. He announces he's a Balarian. Bobo says he can throw up a key that might get them out. He throws up a hairpin. He leaves and brings back a bunch of bananas, then locks himself back up. Naturally, Pearl is angry. Later, Tom installs a bunch of railings all over the SOL. Unfortunately, he puts in so many railings that one cannot move around the place. He also installs great heights to fall from as well. Crow decides he's going to work out more, and has developed muscles. Tom gets very buff. Pearl gets despondent after the Roman woman tells her she will die at dawn. Brain guy gets his brain back, and teleports Mike down. They tell Mike he has to seduce the Roman woman. He fails, but while he's distracted the woman, Pearl, Bobo and Brain Guy get out of their shackles. After leaving, Bobo returns to get a cheese wheel. He knocks over a lantern, setting the place on fire.
#821 Time Chasers (1993) Color
A mullet-wearing inventor invents a time machine. He then shows this device to some people. He's got loser written all over him, as evidenced by the long sequences of his bachelor life. Initially, their time travel doesn't have any problems, but then he travels 50 years into the future with a blonde bimbo reporter to find that the world is in anarchy, and everyone is armed to the teeth. When he gets back to the present, he tries to convince the businessman to stop the time traveling. They get caught in the American Revolution too. It was filmed entirely in Vermont, and it shows why there are no major cities there. Everyone acts stupidly here. At the end, you'll probably cheer when both the hero and villain die. Even though the copyright is 1993, it looks like it was made in the mid 1980's. It stars Lisa Kudrow, in a pre-Friends cameo role. In a big waste of good talent, all Lisa does is stand gawking at a hologram for about 10 seconds.
In the hosting segments, Crow and Tom do the Lost in Space thing. Mike docks the SOL with the Winged Autobus of Doom. Pearl and Mike talk face-to-face. Crow goes back in time and tries to prevent Mike from taking the temp job that would lead him to the SOL. Unfortunately, in doing so, Mike gets into rock and roll, then dies later on after a life of sex, drugs, and rock and roll. Eddie Nelson, Mike's brother takes over. Eddie smokes and drinks, and treats the bots badly. Crow goes back and convinces himself not to convince Mike to lead a life of rock and roll.
#822: Overdrawn at the Memory Bank (1985) color
Raul Julia wished he could shoot all copies of this TV show turned into a movie into the sun. His hair looks like it wouldn't budge in gale force winds here. WNET, a PBS affiliate made this dystopian nightmare. Raul is a data entry operator that is caught slacking off at his job by watching movies, and sent to a psychist. He basically blows her off, and then she tells him he has to go to rehab. Once at the place called nirvana (and a few riffs about the band pop up here) he's giving everyone attitude. They show an experiment they've been doing: putting people's minds in animals. Julia continues to give people attitude and then comes the switch. Then there's a bratty kid caught peeking down a woman's blouse. The bratty kid switches people's tags around. Next we have some stock footage of animals. Meanwhile, a brunette wig on a stick monitors his progress. Then due to the brat's switching tags, things go horribly wrong. Julia is turned into a vegetable, and has 6 hours before the problem becomes permanent. He's then contacted by the brunette on a stick, who tells him to act normally. Julia goes to a place where he meets his dead mother. Then it gets confusing.
Acting is pretty wooden from everyone except Julia. There's a reenactment of Casablanca, only pretty bad. Raul tries to manipulate reality. There was a woman he was after, and then she melts into his arms. Brunette on a stick visits him and tells him that this isn't the way to behave. Raul ignores her. They then find his body, and tell him that if he wants to get back to himself, he's got to play by their rules, that is, lead a boring life. Raul refuses and gets thrown into a pool. Brunette on a stick tries to convince him to stop. Raul then gets access to the cube he's in again. He makes it rain indoors. However, outside of the cube, things are going berserk with the weather. Things are degrading with the cube, and more reenactments of Casablanca. Raul then gets control of the banking system, and gives everyone lots of money. Then the main bad guy confronts Julia. In the end, Julia escapes and deletes his identity. He then falls in love with brunette on a stick. They send the main bad guy into therapy for a month, trapping him in the body of an anteater. Then everyone sees Casablanca. Mike calls the tech support for Overdrawn at the Memory Bank. He gets into an argument with the tech support operator during the credits. Beez provides her voice as the tech support person. The low budgets inherent in most PBS works are shown here, combined it with some pretty cheesy computerized graphics.
In the hosting segments, Crow comes up with a catch phrase: "You know you want me, baby!" He then orders thousands of t-shirts with his face and that slogan. Mike is asked to come up with a slogan, and the ones he comes up with are pretty bad. Pearl sets up a public television station. Ortega is the volunteer. Tom falls victim to the scam. Pearl then shows Brain Guy parodying nature shows. Bobo scarfs down fast food then knocks the Observer out. The bots order a monkey that escapes and creates chaos. Pearl then has a show about her in which she sings, along with the Observer. Mike fights off the chimp who's taken to throwing things. Tom shrinks down to nannite size and gets attacked by two rough-looking nannites. Bobo tries to talk the bot's chimp down. In the end, Pearl is shown counting lots of money.
IMDB link - Overdrawn at the Memory Bank