Comedy Central episodes 601-624
#601 – Girl's Town (1959) black and white
After a boring introduction, we see a man and
woman struggling on the beach. She pushes him away, and he falls down a slope.
Then everyone eventually gets into a fight, and knocked into a river pawed by
another cast members. The police come, and then the scene cuts to two nuns
arriving in a car. They are with Girl's Town. They take a pregnant girl away
with her to Girl's Town. Mamie's character is told she has to go to Girl's Town
too, and she resists tooth and nail. Mamie picks catfights, and otherwise acts
pretty stupid. She stuffs another girl who's a rail into a locker. Then there's
a Cary Grant clone that makes his moves on Mamie. He takes her to a restaurant
where Paul Anka plays the piano. The Platters come on and lipsynch very poorly.
She then discovers he's an undercover cop out to arrest her, and leaves him.
Next day, she's put on trial for sneaking out the night before. She is
sentenced to scrubbing the floors. Later on, there's a dance. Mamie's character
is very distrustful of everyone. At a dance that the nuns hold, there's another
fight over a boy. Next we have a racing scene in a dried up riverbed. Lots of
dangerous racing here. Things get pretty DUMB from here. One of the girls in
the town is going to be sent to Mexico so some guy can save his hot rod. Mamie
confronts this dude and gets attacked. In other words, it's basically a late 1950's teen exploitation movie.
It stars Mamie Van Doren, Paul Anka, Charlie
Chaplin, Jr,, the Platters and Mel Tormé.
In the hosting segments, Mike dresses up for an
important announcement. Crow hires a really bad band to play. Dr. F announces the introduction of the Umblilicus, a direct line from Deep 13 to the SOL. It turns out to be Gypsy's tail. Tom tries to scat, but Mike puts him in a bag, then in a rocket to shoot him away. Only commercial sign saves Tom's life. Mike tries to introduce an honor system to the SOL with candy. While he talks to Crow about responsibility, Tom eats all the candy. Once the Umbilicus is connected, Mike and the bots send Dr. F a banana cream pie. This hits him in the face.
#602: Invasion USA (1952) black and white.
W/short: A Date with your Family (1950) Black and
white.
They start this film off in a diner, where they hear about a bunch of people talk. One of them takes a survey about something called the Universal draft. There's a scene where a guy swirls brandy around in a snifter while everyone else watches, captivated. Then a newscaster comes on and tells everyone that a fleet of planes has been spotted by the DEW. We then see some stock footage of lots of airplanes. They're dropping people with parachutes. The invasion is on. Now we have more stock WWII footage of war preparations. Then the planes continue to fly over the USA. Then they show the President on television, but he's not facing the camera for some weird reason. Then more stock plane fighting footage.
This film has more stock footage in it than you can shake a stick at, I think… Unforutnately, the copy I have has quite a number of tracking problems on it.
The short, "A Date with your Family"
concerns itself with teaching children how to behave at the family dinner.
Everyone is lily white and obscenely cheerful. They also show how not to
behave, which is bad enough to be funny by itself. The story is pretty bad and
the narrator is annoying.
In the hosting segments, something is on the SOL, but I can't tell what it is. Dr. F experiments on the bots with a doll of himself and a wire mother, the kind used in the monkey experiments. Crow chooses the wire monkey. Frank is supposed to be the control group. He's in a tomato costume with a lot of pins stuck in him. Mike and the bots parody the short with a formal dinner. They blather on with meaningless shallow talk, then dive in with very bad table manners (I think.) Crow and Tom debate the best Lois Lane and Superman.
IMDB link - A Date with Your Family
#603 – The Dead Talk Back (made 1957, released
1994) black and white
With short: "The Selling Wizard" (1954)
color
This movie was so bad that the producers of the
movie decided to shelf it forever in 1957, only to have it revived here. After
seeing the movie, I can't say I blame them. To solve a murder, a man
"invents" a radio that can communicate with the dead. He's an amateur
metaphysician and inventor. He's also invented a device that will prevent
someone from being buried alive. (Actually, this was really invented in 1901 by
Count Karniki in Russia.) Well, a few days before, a young woman that was
living in the same boarding house that he was is murdered. The police question
everyone to no avail. The inventor then calls everyone to his lab for a séance.
There he "contacts" the soul of the departed woman, only to find out
it was a sham to draw out the killer. Bad acting, contrived plotline and
stupidity rule here. If that wasn't bad enough, there's a fundamentalist who
rants constantly.
The short "The Selling Wizard" concerns
itself with all the benefits of having a special refrigeration display cabinet
that Budweiser developed. They go into excruciating detail about how this
refrigerator cabinet can benefit anyone who is selling refrigerated products.
Add to it a bimbo spokeswoman and a very unconvincing narrator and you get this
mess.
In the hosting segments, Gypsy calls a fire drill
on the SOL. They can't leave the area, though. The mads try to convince Mike to
start smoking. The bots set up a Dead Talk Back call-in show, and waste such
legends as Abe Lincoln and Winston Churchill on the Buffalo Bills' chances on
winning the superbowl. Mike and the bots do a Grateful Dead impersonation,
which leads to a very cheesy, long, and boring guitar solo by Crow. The song is called Cosmic Freight Train
IMDB link – The Dead Talk Back
IMDB link - The Selling Wizard
#604 - Zombie Nightmare (1986 movies/1988 video) color
It stars Adam West (Batman) and Tia Carrera
(Wayne's World, Relic Hunter.) Considering he's the best actor, that's not
saying much. It's a wonder he didn't get Styrofoam poisoning from all the
scenery chewing he did in the 60's. It starts off with the resurrection of a
zombie. Then we see a baseball game end. Then we watch some teens walking home.
Next an Eddie Van Halen clone (hereafter referred to as EVHC) plays baseball,
and then hits a run. He goes home and meets his mother. Switch to the disco in
an irrelevant scene. Next EVHC goes to a liquor store and talks to the owner.
Some punks come to try to rob the store, but EVHC stops them. Then a bunch of
teens that have been drinking and driving knock over the EVHC. He dies. Then
his mother comes around to a voodoo sorceress and asks the sorceress to make
EVHC a zombie. After a pretty boring and ignorable ceremony, the EVHC becomes a
zombie. He doesn't know about this, however. Next they show a bunch of preppies
playing tennis. He wins, and gets a kiss from her. Then back to the voodoo
sorcerer resurrecting the zombie. Next the preppie couple shares a hot tub.
They don't take their underwear off, of course. The guy is skinny as a rail.
The zombie EVHC kills the man, then comes after the woman. She barely manages
to avoid the zombie. Then some incompetent police investigate. Next they show a
loser trying to hit on a woman, who drops him like a hot potato. Go over at the
police station, where detective Adam West (with a moustache, no less)
investigates things. Then we see a blonde woman walk from a restaurant to her
car. Then loser tries hitting on her. She blows him off too. Then the zombie
kills the loser guy. Next they show a Ken doll type working out. Tia calls him
and tells him about the loser's death. Next they show a punk at the police
station that fights everyone. Adam and some idiot talk about this punk's rap
sheet. Adam accuses the punk of committing the murder. Then Adam goes into the
room where the punk is and kicks him in the face. Cut back to the voodoo
sorceress. She releases the zombie EVHC again. Cut back to the partner of Adam.
He decides to drag things out even though Adam said that the case was closed.
The sorceress tries to work her magic on Adam to make the partner stop
investigating. After this, there's a guy and Tia. They have an exchange. Then the partner goes to another murder. The guy takes Tia to a garage to get some money.While there, the EVHC zombie attacks. Adam's partner shows up
then gets thrown around by the zombie.
I think it's fun to note that in the Turkey Day segment hosted by Adam West, he describes how he was "incredibly desperate" to get work at the time.
This movie is so disjointed you'll quickly give up
on trying to follow it. If that wasn't enough to turn you off, there's
unintelligible metal or disco music in the background most the time. The
partner follows the zombie, then Adam shows up with the voodoo woman. Adam
shoots the zombie and tells them the case is closed. He then shoots the voodoo
woman. The zombie then rises up and attacks Adam. The zombie drags Adam into
the ground. In the end, the partner walks away from everything.
In the hosting segments, The bots play secret
agents and try to protect Mike. The mads get into voodoo. They send a bunch of
voodoo dolls to the SOL, and Mike tries to use them for good. Tom hits Crow on
the bridge while driving in a car. The bots parody the hot tub scene, and Mike
rises out of the tub as movie sign comes. Mike dresses like Robin and Tom
dresses like Batman to do a play by Crow. Crow tells him he dropped the play.
Tom then starts turning into Batman, as played by Adam. Crow and Tom write
letters to Adam West to make him feel better. Gypsy writes a very bad poem for
this. In the end, Frank turns Dr. F into a zombie.
#605 – Colossus and the Headhunters (1962) color
Originally titled Magiste Contro I Cacciatori di
Teste. Starring nobody important, this Italian disaster starts off in
prehistory with a volcano erupting. There's some people in Roman garb trying to
escape. A bunch of them climb onto a boat and manage to escape into the bay.
They look back on an island that has blown up. They spend several days on the
raft. Steering it is a Steeve Reeves clone named Colossus (hereafter referred
to as SRC.) They wash up on another island where there are a bunch of people
who look like a cross between the Arab and Chinese dress of the time. SRC gets
an arrow in the chest. He doesn't die, however. Meanwhile, the other raft
survivors are herded like cattle across a field. The SRC runs into the queen of
this tribe that has his people, and she takes him back to her place. There she
tells him of a legend about a man who will help her people out. Next there's a
somewhat confusing fight for no apparent reason. This fight sequence drags out
for quite a long time, about as long as the sandstorm sequence in Hercules
Against the Moon Men. Then there's an evil dude who wants to marry the queen
and have her rule by his side. She refuses, naturally. For some reason, the SRC
and a few men didn't get captured, and they go to the place where the queen's
held. Only the SRC and a friend actually enter the place to rescue her. A
confusing scene follows where they pass through a throne room, but nothing
happens. Later on, the SRC watches over a beheading. One of the guys reminds me
of a white haired Torgo (like the one seen in Sampson vs. the Vampire Women.)
There's also a bunch of headhunters thrown in for no apparent reason other than
to pad out the film. Next there's a dancer clad in a skimpy costume who can't
dance, but does anyway. Then we have more fighting. Then the SRC goes after the
chief bad guy. They have a pretty boring chase sequence. In the end, the SRC
kills the chief bad guy, and gets the queen. The chief bad guy sure takes his
own sweet time in dying. Even though he has a sword thrust through his chest,
you don't see blood on his tunic until he's dead.
In the hosting segments, Tom does the taxes of
Crow and Mike. Mike gets a big refund, but Crow's left owing the IRS. The mads
create the world's cutest pet. He sends it up the umbilicus to Mike. Frank's
very upset over losing this pet. Mike obsesses over the pet, much to the dismay
of the robots. Frank sings about the pet, proving that Frank can't really sing. The pet starts to shed, and leaves hair EVERYWHERE. Then we find out Gypsy is allergic to pet hair. The pet then gets sick and they call the mads. Frank's sick too. So Mike sends the pet back to Deep 13. In the end the bots wonder what a person thinks once their head is cut off. The mads continue to play with the cutest pet ever.
#606 – The Creeping Terror (1964) color - RHINO
This is a very slow-paced film about an alien that
lands and terrorizes a place. The terror looks and moves like a giant slug.
There's a boring and monotone narrator as well, and a recently married couple
that gets caught up with the police in this. Once the sheriff finds the UFO, he crawls under it and gets killed. The married couple watch. Then the National Guard is called in. They also have the alien inside. The monster slogs around and finds a couple making out. After her husband is eaten, the wife of the couple falls and makes out with one of the soldiers. There's also a newborn kid who seems to be thrown in for no apparent reason. The monster goes over to where a lot of young lovers are. There's also a dance that the monster wrecks. Everyone in this film acts extremely idiotic. The monster is pretty awkward and the actors have to crawl inside to get eaten. Then they reveal the monsters were actually mobile labs used to study humans.
In the hosting segments, Tom decides to beef up
the security of the SOL, and makes Mike have to sign in. The mads are having
their annual laundry day. The mads turn the SOL into a coffee house. The bots
make a state flag for the SOL. It has a picture of Mike and the bots parodying
Washington Crossing the Delaware. Mike and the bots parody Love American Style
with Love Satellite style. They make some pretty so-bad-it's-funny skits. Mike
then sets up a nice stereo system. Unfortunately, the music it plays is from
the film, and it's pretty bad. The bots try to get swallowed by Gypsy, and Mike
and she don't like it. Gypsy eventually spits out Tom. Dr. F puts Frank's head
in a wringer, and it comes out flattened.
IMDB link - The Creeping Terror
#607 – Bloodlust! (1961) black and white - RHINO
W/Short: Uncle Jim's Dairy Farm (1957) color
This film is basically a rip-off of another film
called "The Most Dangerous Game." A bunch of teens get shipwrecked on
an island. On the island is a demented guy who decides he wants to hunt and
kill each one of them. There's also a drunken boat pilot as well, and a guy who
gets fried after trying to grope one of the women. Plenty of cheap acting and
inane stupidity shoot this one down. It stars Robert Reed in a pre-Brady Bunch
role.
The short "Uncle Jim's Dairy Farm" is
about two kids that visit their uncle's Dairy farm and learn the basics about a
dairy farm. Things are pretty obscenely cheerful, the acting really wooden, and
the narrator annoying. Just the thing you'd expect from a Jam Handy (A Case of
Spring Fever, Hired!, etc.) short. Then again, Jamison Handy was on the 1924 US
water polo team (along with Johnny Weismuller) and wanted the same kind of fame
as Johnny had. He never quite got it, however.
In the hosting segments, Tom tries to psychoanalyze Crow. Dr. Forrester's mother is coming to visit him. This is Pearl Forrester, played by Mary Jo Pehl. Instead of talking to her son, we find out Pearl's been corresponding with TV's Frank. Pearl ignores Dr. F and spends all her time with Frank. Crow sets up a vegetable stand (and misspells vegetables too.) Mike decides to be Kenny G during this. Then Tom drives by, knocking down Crow and the stand. Mike and the bots square dance while Crow does the calling. His knowledge of square dance calling is limited indeed, and he goes ballistic while calling. Mike and the bots try to have a murder dinner theater, but then Crow admits he did it. In the end, Crow and Tom are skittish when Mike enters. Mike reads some letters. The bots then throw a net over Mike. Dr. F prepares a dinner for his mother and Frank, but they decide to go out to party instead. Dr. F is left with a large dinner and only himself to eat it.
IMDB link - Uncle Jim's Dairy Farm
#608 – Code name: Diamond Head (1977) color
With short: "A Day at the Fair" (1947)
black and white
It stars Ian McShane, best known for the Lovejoy series. It was produced by Quinn Martin. You'd think it would be good, right? Wrong. It starts off with Ian as a priest visiting an airport in Hawaii (as you can expect, Hawaii 5-0 riffs follow.) Except for a few stock shots of Hawaii, this doesn't look like it was filmed in Hawaii at all. Someone then follows him. Then we see Ian (code named Tree) hang a man in a church. Suddenly we're at a party where several people are shooting pool. A guy (Diamond Head) is taken in to headquarters. He's sent after Ian, who's code named tree. After Diamond Head interviews a priest, he goes to a performance of a Hawaiian Jackie Mason that plays the ukulele. He's another agent on Diamond Head's side. Diamond Head then visits a Asian woman in a bar. She joins him in looking for Tree. Meanwhile, tree gasses a general, then takes his place, and impersonates him. Meanwhile, Diamond Head meets the black Jackie Mason in a store. Diamond head bugs an apartment for no apparent reason. Then tree (as the general) finds out about a sea creature that produces a toxin and that gives instant death. Later on Diamond Head and Tree meet at the Asian woman's bar. Tree tells the woman he knows she's an agent. Diamond Head gets thrown out a window and presumed dead. He's not, however. Later on someone finds a dead body on the beach. Tree goes back as the Colonel. He gases everyone then steals the toxin. Diamond Head fights a guy very badly. Tree and another bad guy kidnap the Asian bar woman and take her boat, known as the Dragon Lady. Diamond Head takes a boat out to meet them, and a boat chase ensues. After firing a flare gun into the sail, it catches fire. Tree and the woman struggle, with Diamond Head pointing a gun at tree to stop this. The Asian woman and Diamond Head kiss. Later on Diamond Head wines and dines the Asian woman. Then the Hawaiian Jackie Mason calls, and brings in several other people. In the end, Tree gets captured.
The short, "A Day at the Fair" concerns
itself with a county fair. It shows a family, the Olsens, driving down to the
fair. They show some pretty long and boring sequences of farm animals. This
whole thing is about as exciting as watching paint dry. It was put on by the
4-H club. It also has horse racing and showing people eat. The midway has some
pretty boring rides and exhibits. This was also on the Rhino shorts.
In the hosting segments, Mike and the bots are
wallowing in their own filth. After contact with the mads, they get rid of some
of the garbage. Then the mads get anal retentive about germs, and wash
themselves in a cleaning contest. Crow tries to read a book while Tom looks
over his shoulder. Cambot shows the bots a film of what life would be like if
Mike wasn't nice. Mike is dressed in a boy scout uniform and rude to the bots.
The mads are minding their own business when Torgo shows up with the drinks
they ordered back in Manos: The Hands of Fate. Of course, he got them wrong. He
then goes and uses their bathroom. Magic voice puts the bots with a
long-haired, folk-singing Mike. They panic. Mike and the bots then have a
Hawaiian luau. Tom tries to reenact the letter using hula moves. The mads are
still in the bathtub cleaning themselves. When Dr. F pushes the button, he ends
up electrocuting himself.
IMDB link - Code name: Diamond Head
#609 – The Skydivers (1963) black and white RHINO
W/ short: Why Study the Industrial Arts? (1956)
black and white
Coleman Francis' second movie isn't that much
better than the first. (The first was The Beast of Yucca Flats.) Lots of long,
boring sequences of people skydiving shoot this one down. It also has a
romantic triangle that gets pretty silly. It starts with a bunch of teens go-go
dancing. Then we see some guys jump out of a plane. Next they show a woman trying to take off in an airplane. Next they have Coleman Francis regular Anthony Cardoza talking to her. He's part of the love triangle, as is she. Next they have a dinner for two by candlelight. While this is going on, a guy breaks into the airport and fights with someone else. Later a guy with a guitar watches our heroes take off. Then we have some pretty boring skydiving scenes. Then our love triangle talks a bit and goes off. One of them then goes skydiving. He has an accident and dies. Later the two leftover lovers go boating. They start on a motorboat, but midway through it, the boat magically transforms into a sailboat. Then they chase each other. Afterwards, they have a romantic scene. Later some guy drives Susie to a pharmacy, and she purchases some acid. Then there's more skydiving. There's a geeky photographer as well. Then they show some kids go-go dancing to a very bad band. After that, more skydiving. There's also a Scottish man that stands out like a sore thumb. Then two people in black approach the tarmac. They leave, and someone races after them. A guy in a plane follow them, and he's armed. He manages to stop the car. Then there's a foot chase, like in Red Zone Cuba. The woman is immediately shot, but the guy runs for a while, then gets killed. I think Coleman Francis had a rule of not hiring anyone who could act better than himself. Since he wasn't that good of an actor to begin with, that pretty much limits his choice of people. We also have the bad script and stock scenes that were also used in The Beast of Yucca Flats and Red Zone Cuba.
The short, "Why Study the Industrial
Arts?" is a 1950's short that talks about the benefits about studying the
Industrial Arts. It goes into excruciating detail about how industrial arts
courses can benefit your life. The two lead characters are skinny as a rail and
not very good to look at. The way they make it sound, if a guy doesn't take
Industrial Arts courses he'll be clueless for the rest of his life. (Hmm… maybe Dilbert's boss should take some Industrial Arts courses…) It's pretty much what you'd expect from a Centron production (Cheating, What to Do about Juvenile Delinquency, etc.)
In the hosting segments, Tom makes a planetarium
show. Crow starts making jokes about Uranus, and this flusters Tom. Frank and Dr. F sport matching vests and wide-collared shirts. Dr. F proposes a school choir contest. Unfortunately, Dr. F and Frank can't harmonize. Mike and the bots change into matching outfits and sing. This proves that Gypsy really can't sing too well. Since Dr. F is the judge, the Deep 13 team wins. Later Mike and the bots parody the short. Crow refuses to take safety precautions, and ends up sawing himself in half. Crow gets caught in a double jock lock. He asks Mike and Tom for help, but finds they won't help him. Crow gets a new car, but Tom flies in the place in a biplane, and blows up the car. "Damn you Servo!" Crow shouts. Crow and Tom try parachuting, and get caught in the rafters. Mike offers to get them down, but they refuse. Dr. F and Frank play
dodge ball, but Frank's terrible at it.
IMDB link - Why Study the Industrial Arts?
#610 – The Violent Years (1951) black and white
With short: "A Young Man's Fancy" (1952) color
Yet another disaster directed by everyone's
favorite cross-dressing bad movie director, Ed Wood, Jr. This one starts off in
a courtroom where a couple has their child taken away from them. Flashback to
earlier when the daughter commits several holdups on a row. It turns out there
are three young women in this gang, all of whom can't act. They hijack a
couple, tie up the woman and take the man into the back woods. Then it gets
very confusing and easily ignorable. The teens commit more crimes and their
parents don't seem to care. Later on, they trash a schoolhouse. As they make
their getaway, the policeman makes halfhearted attempts to stop them.
The short, "A Young Man's Fancy" has the
name Jam Handy on it, so you can be sure it stinks. It starts off with a young
girl talking to her mother. Next the "dreamboat" of her school comes
to their place. However, she's a mess. Her brother is with this guy. They have
dinner together and she fails to impress him, even after changing into her
best. She then unplugs an appliance to get him to come into the kitchen and
talk to her.
In the hosting segments, Tom gets a new head,
which looks like Danny O'Day. The Mads sing about life in Deep 13. The mads decide to start a radio station called Frank. Mike dresses in drag while Crow directs.
IMDB link - A Young Man's Fancy
#611 – Last of the Wild Horses (1948) black and
white
It's a pretty boring movie from the get-go. They
have a boring scene, then a pretty long fight in a barn that ends up with one
man whipping the other. Next we see a western bandit hold up three men. Later
on, the three men go to the sheriff's office. Back with the bandit, he runs into a buxom woman who gives him a way back after his horse breaks its shoe. They run into the ranch's owner, who's confined to a wheelchair. They all sit around and talk. It's a very LONG and BORING conversation, just like the kind they'd have in a small town. The sheriff catches the bandit, but then the bimbo vouches for him. Then we find out the bandit's name Duke. He also gropes the bimbo on the butt. After getting the mail, he goes out to see two guys and then gets in a fight with them. The blonde saves him from getting beaten up. Afterwards, he gets bandaged up at the ranch. Then a guy with a toothache comes in, and they talk. Then the blonde enters, and one of the guys pulls out the tooth. Later, Duke finds out that there's a horse rustling scam going on. It's up to Duke to stop them. The bimbo helps out as well. Next we see the bad guys rustle the horses, using a lot of gunfire to do so. They taunt the old man in the wheelchair. Then they show a pretty boring sequence where the horses are rustled. There's also a burning building. They show a montage of newspaper
headlines. Then the hero shows up and stops a mob from trying to do something
rash. Afterwards, they have… more BORING conversation between the hero, the
woman and the man in the wheelchair. She decides to leave with the hero. More
boring dialogue ensues. Eventually she leaves and returns, finding her father
dead. She's traumatized by this. One of the ranch hands comforts her. Next a
posse thinks Duke's responsible, so they arrest him. Since no lawyer will touch
the case, Duke has to rely on a cowhand to defend him. The prosecutor bribes a
drunk that saw Duke at the time of the murder to stay away from the trial. At
the trial, things start going bad, and he's found guilty. Duke then steals a
gun and escapes. Then there's a long and boring chase scene where Duke escapes.
Duke goes back to the scene of the crime to investigate, but another woman
there starts firing a gun at her. She ends up hitting Duke in the shoulder. The
blonde then goes to the same place, and sees a man in the barn. It's Duke, and
she wants to help. Then the lawyer that defended Duke takes some mail from the
post office back to the ranch. He drops a letter that the bad guys find. Then
the brunette woman sees the blonde woman going into the barn. The brunette
comes up to Duke, finding him in her barn. She tells him she'll help him get away. A dying lawyer gives the letter he read earlier to Duke, who immediately gives it to the blonde and rides off. In town, Duke has a face off with the bad guys. He kills one of them, the other runs into a barn. Then a fight ensues, the
exact same one we saw in the opening credits. The bad guy picks up a bullwhip
and starts lashing. Then both of them fall down. Duke manages to get up, but
the bad guy doesn't. In the end, the guy who defended Duke ordered a mail order
bride, and takes her inside. For a western, action sequences are far and few
between, and when they do come, they don't last too long. I kept thinking
"Can the balloon juice and get on with it!" all throughout this
movie. After a while, I had a hard time not tuning the movie out and listening
to what Mike and the bots are saying.
In the hosting segments, Mike reprograms the bots
to have different regional accents. They can't communicate with each other. The
Mads invent a matter transference device, and try to send it up to the SOL via
the umbilicus during an ion storm. This switches the mads and Mike and the
bots. Mike looks like Captain Kirk in the evil twin episodes. Now Dr. F and
Frank are on the SOL. Dr. F and Frank bring out the Lemur and do a reprise of
Joey the Lemur. Then we find out that the evil Tom Servo and the evil Gypsy
switched realities and the good Tom and Gypsy are with the evil Mike and Crow.
Then Mike and Crow realize that Tom and Gypsy aren't themselves on the SOL. The
evil Gypsy turns out to want to marry for power. Tom tries to kill Mike as he's
trying to figure out how to return him back to the universe. In the evil
universe, the mads are still singing the Joey the Lemur song. Then Tom and
Gypsy figure out they're in an alternate universe. They talk to the
Torgo-sounding computer there, and it tells them to have Frank send the matter
transference device back. Frank does so, and everything's switched back to
normal… almost. The alternate reality Mads manage to communicate with the SOL,
trying to sing the Joey the Lemur song. They also compare their universe to
ours. Mike and the bots hang up on them.
IMDB link - Last of the Wild Horses
#612 – The Starfighters (1964) color
The film starts with lots of stock footage of
airplanes. Then we see two guys driving along and watching the stock footage of
the planes. They show planes refueling mid-flight. This drags on for quite a
bit. When the plane finally lands, they pilot climbs out. He's then dragged to
his supervisor, a colonel. The colonel tells him that a congressman's son wants
to fly airplanes in the air force, and the congressman pulled strings to get
his son that job. The pilot is not amused. Later on the congressman's son and
the pilot get to pilot a highly experimental plane: the Starfighter. Then
there's more stock footage of planes. Later on, they show the pilot kissing his wife and meeting some of his friends. Her voice is a bit grating on the nerves. Then there's more stock footage of flying. Later on, the congressman calls up the colonel. The congressman harasses the colonel. Then they show a training mission for a bombing raid. This drags on for quite a long time. Next they show the wife drive up with her pilot husband. They talk to another couple, and the woman in this couple was once a corn shucker. Later she and another guy drive out to a desolate area and he tries to make moves on her. Next the colonel briefs the pilots on what's about to happen. While in the air, something goes wrong with the plane, and they intercut pictures of the pilot's faces with stock footage of the air force again. They make an emergency landing. They land with no problems, however. Next the congressman and his son talk on the phone. The congressman's worried about an accident, but his son reassures him that he know what he's doing. Next we've got more stock footage of a refueling. It's pretty much the same stock footage. Then there's more footage of helicopters and a rescue mission. Then more stock footage. Think Top Gun done horribly. This
movie probably used every piece of stock footage from the US Air Force
available at the time. They plot (for lack of a better term) meanders
aimlessly, and never really goes anywhere. The ending is very disappointing to
say the least.
In the hosting segments, Mike and the bots log
onto the Internet. Crow describes their computer, and it sounds very dated. It
takes Crow quite a while to log onto the Internet. He then goes ballistic when
the computer won't respond properly. Crow then calls tech support, only to be
put on hold. The mads invent a way to link minds via a telephone cord. Mike
does a commercial for Cowboy Mike's Ricochet barbeque sauce. He and the bots wear big floppy foam cowboy hats that fly off at the slightest provocation. The mads get a sample of this sauce, and Dr. F says that it's pretty bland. Next they have the bots parody the refueling scen while Crow while he's still waiting for the tech support. Once Crow has his beak stuck in Tom's hoverskirt (a sick image to say the least,) the tech support comes on. Crow can't free his beak from Tom's hoverskirt until after the techie hangs up. Next Crow and Tom dress in military uniforms and tell Mike that he has to be debriefed. They tackle him and proceed to remove his underwear. Next the United Servo Men's chorus do a song. It's a bunch of Tom Servos. This is probably the only time I've ever seen Tom's arm move in a conducting motion. There's also The poopie suit Anthem. In the end, Crow finally gets logged onto the information superhighway and then gets stuck in a bad spot. Dr. F thinks for Frank to push the button. When Frank reaches for the button, he drags Dr. F to the floor.
#613: The Sinister Urge (1961) black and white
W/short: Keeping Clean and Neat (1956) Black and
white
Yes, it's our favorite cross-dressing bad movie director Ed Wood, Jr. at work again. It starts out with a woman wearing a bra and slip running down a dirt road. She stops at a phone booth and calls the police. The police send a squad car out to find the woman has been murdered. Next they show three buxom blondes in low-cut blouses at a television station. Then there's also a brunette babe wearing only a towel. They show the blondes lying on a towel juxtaposed. Then the police enter and arrest everyone. The women cover themselves up as they are lead off. The photographer then leads the police to several reels of film. Next the mayor of this city talks to a policeman. He says he's fed up with crime. After this, a guy and a blonde talk. They're behind the women who were lying on the towels. They say that there's a mole in their organization. Next they show a bunch of teens at a go-go type setting. They go outside, and tow guys fight. The fight is obviously staged. The police then show up and everyone scatters. Then back to the porn merchants again. Next they show some women in a line. Then the policeman calls another policeman. They talk. Next the woman in the adult film industry and her man review a porn film. Then more talking by the cops. Then we see a reading by a woman for node modeling. They show her in what looks like bedsheets getting her photo taken. Then we see the porn leader make out with a guy. After that, a teenager attacks a woman, but she manages to knock him down. While she's rifling thorugh his pockets, another guy strikes her down. Then one of the guys tells the other he must deliver a bunch of porn to another town. He gives the guy a car with broken brakes. The car goes over a cliff, but the guy jumps out, and only hurts his arm. He gets back, and attacks the porn leader. Then the porn leader talks to the blonde woman again. She goes off, then comes back and shoots him in the side. Then she frames the other guy for the murder, and calls the police. The police figure out that she did the murder when the guy she framed turns up dead. In the end, she's carted away.
The short "Keeping Clean and Neat" talks about proper grooming and care of your body. It uses a young boy and girl as examples of what they should do. It consists of 8th graders choosing the best younger kids to be in a special program. One kid is shown showering and grooming, then they show a young girl doing the same. Long and boring sequences shoot this down, along with the obligatory annoying narrator.
In the hosting segments, Mike and the bots give Gypsy a shower. Everyone gets her pinking shears. (?) Down in Deep 13, Frank has vanished. Back on the SOL, Gypsy gets another gift from Frank. It's (you guessed it) pinking shears. Dr. F searches Frank's room and finds dynamite. Next there's some smoke on the bridge, and Mike also finds a pay phone there. Frank taunts Mike about the bomb he planted on the bridge of the SOL. Down in deep 13, Frank has Dr. F tied up with several sticks of dynamite attached to him. Back on the SOL, Mike and the bots realize they have to help Dr. F or suffer. Next Tom downloads Frank's record from the internet. Crow tries to get some informants to rat on Frank, but they don't say anything. Next Crow comes up with a plan to stop Frank. In the end, Frank is thwarted by the smell of potato cakes. Mike reads a letter, then we find out Dr. F drugged the potato cake and turned Frank into a faceless dude.
IMDB link - Keeping Clean and Neat
#614 – San Francisco International (1970) color
Yet another made-for TV film. It stars Pernell Roberts (Bonanza, Trapper John, M.D.) Clu Gulager, and Tab Hunter. They start with a plane flight carrying a bunch of congresspeople. The plane has a faulty landing gear. The tower calls out the emergency crews. They show how to embrace for impact. The landing scene is long and unnecessarily drawn out. The landing starts out all right, and ends without a hitch. It turns out the whole thing is a drill and not real. They then tell us there was also $3 million on the plane as well. Next they show a teenager and his mother talking. Mom's divorcing the kid's dad. After that, at the airport again they show Tab Hunter leaving the place. Then a woman in a Camero gets accosted by a guy with a gun. He tells her to drive. Then they show the congressmen getting angry about the opening of the film. The airport commissioner and the congressman argue a while. Next they who the hostage and the gunman in a hotel room. They're talking to another person on a phone. Then they show that the woman calling the airport for her pilot husband. The kidnappers make their demands to the pilot. He cannot meet them. They want the flight he's going to make delayed for one hour. Back in the tower, they talk some more. Then we have some stock footage of planes taking off. Then they show the kid and mother from earlier leaving their dad. Then the plane in question takes off. Then the plane turns around to the plane. The pilot then returns to the gate; he says the front wheel feels wrong. Then they show a guy complains about how he was punched by a hippie. Then they bring in the hippie. He denies anything happened. Then they show the separating couple. She's upset because he's more married to his job than her. Junior watches the planes take off. A guy talks to him. Then the priest from earlier kidnaps another woman. They walk out of the place, past a guard. They drive a car out to the tarmac. Meanwhile, another one of them cuts a fence. They talk about an Alaskan airways flight coming in. Then it's several shots of people talking on radios. Then the guy who cut the fence comes up to the airline and grabs a mailbag. In the mailbag is a package with a lot of $100 bills. He loads some of this and other stuff into a car. The priest ditches his costume in a trashcan. Then some other people surround the smuggler, but he gets away. Then they go out to see various boxes to see which one weighs more than it should. After that, junior goes out and inspects some cessnas. He talks to a guy. Then they open up one of the packages, and it contains the lost money. Meanwhile, junior decides to shanghai a Cessna and take it off. Pernell Roberts flies after him. Then the mother goes after the kid. Pernell catches up to junior and tells him to land the plane. Junior refuses. Pernell tells him how to fly the plane. Davy gets nervous flying the plane but manages to land it safely. In the end, everything turns out fine, and they catch the smugglers.
In the hosting segments, the bots have a political debate about politics. It's a bunch of non-sequential questions and nonsense. It gets sillier and sillier. Down in Deep 13, Dr. F and Frank are renovating the place. We see a shirtless Dr. F and Frank (which is pretty scary.) Back on the SOL, Mike pulls the old hit-a-guy in the head with the board trick. This really hurts Crow and Tom. Back down in Deep 13, Dr. F turns a saw on, and it gets out of his control. Next Crow and Tom debate the song Wake Me Up Before you Go-Go then Mike enters, dressed as Steve Urkel. Down in Deep 13, Frank can't help but laugh. Then Dr. F laughs as well. On the hexfield viewer, Jan in the pan and Huggy Bear laugh as well. Then Santa laughs with the mads down in Deep 13. Then Mike continues his Urkel impression. Pitch from Santa Claus joins in the fun. Next Nuveena shows up along with Torgo. Torgo ruins everything. In the end, they talk about how disappointing the movie for. Dr. F takes issue with an assertion that Crow makes. They then read a letter. Then Mike asserts that Dr. F has large ears. Dr. F is wearing fake ears with hair growing out of them.
IMDB link - San Francisco International
#615 – Kitten with a Whip (1964) black and white
This film stars Ann Margaret and John Forsythe. It
opens with a blonde woman in a nightgown running to catch a train. A guy with a
German shepherd follows. Failing to catch the train, she hides out in a
suburban home. This is Ann-Margaret. She goes into a room filled with stuffed
animals, and goes to bed cuddling one. Then Senatorial candidate John Forsythe
goes into the home and invites a friend in. He talks about his rocky marriage
to his wife. Next morning, Forsythe is shaving, and he sees a stuffed animal
land at his feet. Going to the room where Ann's sleeping, he wakes her up and
confronts her. He accuses her of trying to being his career down. He wants to
call her parents, but she stops him. They argue for a little, then the neighbor
comes in. Ann hides while Forsythe tries to get rid of the neighbor. Forsythe
buys Ann a new dress for some unknown reason. This makes her look like Pat Priest from the Munsters. Next Forsythe meets a man at a restaurant. Then a television tells us that Ann's a mental patient that escaped from juvenile hall after setting fire to the place. Forsythe comes home and confronts Ann. They argue while a cartoon goes on in the background. Eventually, Ann makes her moves on Forsythe, and tries to kiss him. Then the neighbor comes in with a guy holding a large bouquet of flowers. When setting the flowers down, the neighbor finds a picture of Forsythe's wife that was defaced by Ann. She then notices that the phone's lit up. Forsythe goes to Ann and takes the phone away from her. Forsythe makes an excuse of having a headache to get rid of the neighbor. "You should go to bed with that headache," She responds. (Ironic, I know…)
Later Ann's watching television when they say that
she's mentally disturbed. Next some of Ann's friends come to visit. They were
definitely chosen for their good looks and not their acting ability. One tries
to have an existential conversation with Forsythe, and it's pretty bad. In one
sexist scene, one of the guys tells another girl to come to him. She does, and
he grabs her head and violently kisses her. Forsythe tries to get out of the
place, but one of the guys catches him. The kids start drinking and one of them
gets violent. The others try to calm him down to little avail. One of them
takes his old-fashioned razor. In a panic, one of the guys hurts the other with
the razor. One of them tries to convince Forsythe to smuggle them tom Mexico.
They break down a barbed wire fence to get there. One jumps out to take care of
things, and Forsythe leaves him at the border. He rushes the kid to a doctor
there. Later on, Forsythe leaves Ann at a Mexican hotel. She locks him out of
the hotel, wanting to get drunk. Meanwhile, the guy that Forsythe left is
looking for him in the same city. Forsythe runs into the nosey neighbor. They
go into a club where there's a stripper. There they meet the guy that got his
arm cut by the razor. He's now wearing an ugly sombrero and smoking a cigar. He
then calls the police and says that this guy tried to sell him pot. Then the
two other guys find Forsythe and Ann. A fight ensues, with one of the guys
getting hit over the head with a bottle. The other is threatened with the broken
bottle. Ann drives with Forsythe in the car while the two guys follow.
Eventually she wrecks the car, and gets thrown from it. Forsythe is thrown as
well. Forsythe wakes up in a San Diego hospital. A policeman tells Forsythe
that the others are dead. This is one of Ann's early outings, and it shows. She
really chews the scenery here. There's nothing really to endear any of these
characters to you. It turns into a "What else can we throw at this poor
schlep?" movie.
In the hosting segments, Mike gives Crow a grease
job. He's going to be sent down the umbilicus to Deep 13. They show a sequence
of him falling to deep 13. He's trying to find the button to send the SOL down.
Unfortunately, Dr. F finds him before he can push a button. To stop this in a
future, Dr. F puts a giant mousetrap at the end of the umbilicus. The bots get
cool bionic sounds. Mike and the bots have a visit with the kitten with the
whip, played by Kevin Murphy. For some weird reason, he can't find his whip.
Mike dresses like Marie Antoinette and does several bad things to himself. Mike
and the bots have a piñata, which Mike breaks. Dr. F turns Frank into a piñata,
and has a bunch of brats take whacks at him while the credits roll.
IMDB link - Kitten with a Whip
#616: Racket Girls (1951) black and white
W/short: Are You Ready for Marriage? (1950) black and white
Ah, female wrestling of the 1950's, long before the time of such beauties like Sable and Chynna invaded the sport. The movie starts off with a match between a blonde and a brunette babe. This drags on quite a bit. While they have muscular bodies, their facial features leave much to be desired. The blonde wins, and then the brunette attacks the male ref. There's also some shady guys watching this match. After this, they show the blonde in a nice dress, talking to a sleazy promoter in his office. Man, she cannot act! They intercut this with some women working out. Then they take the blonde into the gym. She spars with some of the women there. The outfit that they put her in makes her look like she used the bathroom in her panties. This blonde was definitely chosen for her large bosom. They show her skipping rope, playing with a medicine ball, and running. Next they show the brunette talking to one of the shady guys. He tells her she's not doing like he wants. Then the mob types talk some more. After that, the promoter talks to one of the guys sparring with a woman. The mob types want to make a lot of money off of them. Then we see a guy mess with a horse. Then more women exercising and sparring. After that, the brunette tells the mob guy that she got fired for being drunk. He tells her that she has to be a call girl in Mexico to pay him back. After more bad acting, they show another match between two masked women. One is in a leopard costume, the other likes like Bat Woman with cat whiskers. After this match, Mr. Big the mobster sends a group over to the promoter. Then we have more sparring between women. Then the promoter tries to convince the blonde to throw an upcoming match. She refuses. Then the brunette berates the promoter for this. At the match itself, the two combatants wrestle for quite a while. They don't show who wins. Next the promoter is called before someone to answer charges of things. The mobsters have a scene where they take money from a safe. While they try to get away, the police show up and chase them. There's quite a number of scenes where the women strip down to very little. It doesn't help the film. The wrestling is very fake and slows the already slow pace of the film down even further.
The short, "Are You Ready for Marriage?" concerns itself with a young couple that decides they want to get married. Her father doesn't approve. They talk about what kind of marriage they wanted. They get counseled by a marriage counselor. The counselor tells them they must have 3 things: similar backgrounds, real friends, and an understanding of each other. Frankly, I think that men and women inherently can't understand each other completely. It starts with them kissing badly. The guy talks to a friend. It's on Mr. B's lost shorts as well.
In the hosting segments, Lisa Loeb (played by Bridget Jones) pays a visit to the SOL via the Hexfield viewer. Having actually met the real Lisa once, I can say she's not that bad, really. After the commercials, they board up the hexfield viewer to stop her. Down in Deep 13, tourists Paul Chapin and Mary Jo Pehl have somehow gotten in. Dr. F says he's going to have to use the security system. Frank plays with it for a little, then Dr. F enters and gives him a headbutt. Dr. F uses semaphore flags to tell them what the experiment is for the week. Next Crow asks Mike for Servo's hand in marriage. Mike reads a test in Cosmo, and the bots fail miserably. Mike then stretches some rubber bands while the mads tell him about the main feature. Mike snaps one of the rubber bands, and the mads get scared. Next Crow wants to have a good male time, and has a stripper. Unfortuately, it's Mary Jo Pehl reprising the role of the head in the Brain that Wouldn't Die. Crow also has a cigar that he grinds into Mike. Next, Crow and Tom get married, with Frank singing. This proves that Frank can't sing. Dr. F presides over the ceremony. The ceremony goes wrong, and then Crow decides to call it off. In the end, Mike and the bots dress in wrestling costumes. Lisa Loeb shows up at Deep 13, and sings annoyingly. Frank tells her to leave after Dr. F tells him she's dating Ethan Hawke.
IMDB link - Are you ready for marriage?
#617 – The Sword and the Dragon (1956) color
Originally titled Ilja Muromets. This Soviet film
has Mike Wallace (60 minutes) narrating it, and that's about the only good thing
you can say about it. There is an evil man who rapes the land, burns villages,
and the like. Then they show a wooden village where the bad guy attacks. The
villagers fight back, but the women are captured, and then they have a frontier
style wagon race for no good reason. One of the wagons goes off a cliff. Then
the villain catches one of the villagers. Next they show the hero. He has a
magic sword to fend off the villain. Next they show the villagers returning to
their decimated village. They come to an intact cabin where Ilja Muromets
resides. He cannot move from his spot. The others tell Ilja what has happened.
They give him some water, and he can move again. Ilja gives his magic sword to
the hero. Next we see a guy pick up a large but obviously fake stump and toss
it. He then tosses a large boulder. Holding some dirt in his hands, he rants
about the soil his father plowed. Next Ilja gets a good foal and it magically
grows into a mighty steed. He rides off. Then Ilja runs into a demon that
creates violent winds. Ilja easily defeats him.
He takes the demon back to his king. They sentence
the demon to something, then have a big party. They do a bunch of verbal
sparring and then laud the prince there. Ilja is there, and shows off the wind
demon. The demon is commanded to whistle, and does, sending everything
everywhere. We've got a hefty amount of cheap special effects here. Ilja is
given a magical ring as a reward. Next they show a very large guy enters. He's
an envoy from the bad guy. He tells them they have to pay tribute to the bad
guy or get invaded. They blow him off, and he gets mad. The envoy throws his
sword, and cuts the head off of a statue. Ilja throws his sword, and kills the
envoy. He then says they won't kow-tow to the bad guy. Everyone cheers Ilja on.
In the background, someone says that he has to get rid of Ilja or disaster will
follow. After an exchange with the prince. They show a woman singing while
birds merrily whistle around her. She puts some apples on a tapestry, and then
they're woven into the tapestry. It's a magical tablecloth. Ilja enters, and
they cuddle. She goes off with him on his boat, and sings a depressing song.
Shortly thereafter, the bad guys attack, and take her prisoner. Then they take
her to their snow-covered camp. After that, Ilja returns to find out he's been
betrayed. Ilja visits the prince and gets disgusted with it all. Next a traitor
sends a signal to the bad guys to attack. Ilja intercepts the note, and changes
it around. At the bad guys camp, they interpret the signal as the people are
ready to surrender. Next the bad guy's champ comes out to face Ilja. He's given
a spear. Then the bad guys march on the good guys. Back at the good guys camp,
Ilja wakes up and tells the prince he was betrayed by the traitor. Somehow, he
creates proof of this. The traitor is sentenced to be boiled in oil. They skimp
on the initial battle and show only the aftermath. Ilja is victorious, but at a
great cost. Next they show the bad guy with his forces. The bad guys gather a
lot of treasure for their leader. It's not enough, however, he wants Ilja. Ilja
shows up and chaos ensues. Next the bad guy's champ discovers that Ilja is his
father. They have a rather strange battle where a guy rides up a mountain of
live people on a horse. After a battle on the sea, the dragon finally shows
up.It's very cheap looking. It breathes fire that's obviously from old Soviet flamethrowers. Ilja finally meets the chief bad guy, and the bad guy becomes a sniveling wimp. Ilja carries him off. In the end, there's a feel-good reunion between Ilja, his son, and the mother.
Many of the people here look like they were in The Day the Earth Froze, only with less talent. There aren't any Swedish actors desperately trying to save the film. Mike Wallace does the best he can, but since he's only a narrator, he can't do much. The characters are pretty
long-winded to a fault and tough not to tune out.
In the hosting segments, Mike and the bots play
Dungeons and Dragons. Tom is the dungeon master. He lets the power go to his
head. The Mads are organizing their collection of comic books. Then guest stars
Mary Jo Pehl and Bridget Jones enter. They've moved into Deep 12, upstairs.
They see the comic books and are very turned off by this. Dr. F calls on Mike
and the bots to do something good. They do a satirical piece about the
government. Mike dresses like Uncle Sam, Crow does the Crime Bill song, and the
like. Dr. F and Frank love what they do, but the ladies run out as fast as they
can. Next Mike and the bots parody an Ingmar Bergman film. This part is in
black and white. It's something like a cross between Waiting for Godot and an
early 1990's Obsession commercial. Next the bots parody the scene where the
woman is weaving the tapestry. Mike is in a cute pink bunny suit, Gypsy looks
like something from the film, as do the others. Next Mike has a visit from Ilja
Muroments, played by Kevin Murphy. He's now a breakfast cook. In the end, Tom reads a critique of the opening hosting segment. The critic gives glowing reviews to Crow, Gypsy and Mike, but hates Tom. The mads relax and brag about the action from the dates that they had in their minds only.
#618 – High School Big Shot (1958) black and white
W/short: Out of this World (1954) color
The feature starts with a monologue and shows a
guy's face. Next they show a class where a guy in the back is pawing a woman.
He's asked a question, and can't get it right. Then the guy we first saw
answers the question correctly. After class, the slacker tries to beat up the
brainy guy. The girlfriend stops him. She then comes onto the brainy guy. At home, the brainy guy tells his father he has a date. His father hits him up for
money, and the brainy kid gives him some. On the date, brainiac takes his
girlfriend to the local café where the jock and his friends see them.
Afterwards, she reveals her real intention: she wants to study with him to
improve her grades. He's not amused by this, but she kisses him anyway.
After he leaves, the jock confronts his
girlfriend. She tells him she's only leading him along for the grades. After
that, the father and brainiac talk. Dad's going to get married again. Next they
show our brainiac at his job. He's a shipping clerk. Next the teacher confronts
our brainiac and the bimbo. He accuses the brainiac of writing her paper. He
admits to this, and afterwards, she leaves him. When he gets home, he finds
that his father has been boozing, and is pretty drunk. Back with the bimbo,
she's and her jack boyfriend paw each other and kiss. Now brainiac is meandering the streets at night. Then they show a
guy trying to steal from a liquor store. It turns out he's the store-owner's
brother in law. Brainiac comes in and asks the owner to help him commit a
robbery. They talk about how to set it up with the thief brother-in-law.
Brainiac calls the bimbo on the phone, He invites her to the café. There he
tells her about the planned theft. She goes back to her jock boyfriend, who she
tries to con into stealing the money from brainiac. He says no, and she doesn't
like it. Well, they kiss and make up. Brainiac and his dad then argue, and make
up as well. Next the jock tries to convince his friends to help him steal the
money from Brainiac. After that, we see Brainiac and the hoods he hires go down
to the place where the money is kept. Due to an accident, they miss the ferry
that they needed to catch. Suddenly night turns into day for no explicable
reason. Then Brainiac and the hoods break into the Brainiac's job and steal the
money. Next The jock and his friends arrive at the place, then the bimbo
arrives as well. Also the police arrive too. Next a housekeeper finds
Brainiac's dad has hung himself. The jock then steals the money from Brainiac,
and shoots one of the hoods with Brainiac. The jock then shoots the bimbo. The
money ends up falling into the water. The police shoot the guy with the money.
It stars nobody important. Acting is pretty bad, a very disappointing ending,
and rampant stereotypes shoot this one down. It reminded me a bit of a Dead
Kennedy's song I once heard called Straight A's in places. The song, however,
ends up with the brainy kid committing suicide. After a while, I had trouble
not tuning the movie out and listening to what Mike and the bots were saying.
The short, "Out of this World" concerns
itself with an angel and a devil. Presented by DuPont chemicals (and why a
chemical company is talking about bread is beyond me,) the angel and devil are
fighting over the soul of a guy who delivers bread. The devil convinces the
angel to go down to earth to tempt this guy to go astray from being a good
delivery driver. Nobody can act here, and the plotline is pretty contrived. Tom
is very large in the beginning, but ends up fainting and returning to normal
size during this short. It's also on Rhino's shorts #3.
In the hosting segments, Mike has a bad headache.
Crow comes in and practices cymbals, and Tom comes in with a set of bagpipes.
Dr. F sends up a chemistry set because he's backed up on research. Frank
creates a miniature Gorgo which eats Dr. F. Crow invents something that turns
Tom large. Tom starts talking like the Incredible Hulk. Mike and the bots
parody the short with specialty breads: bread with shampoo and conditioner in
it; bread that comes to a sharp point; bread studded with bars of butter. They
wear Stuff bread uniforms. Next the bots drive by, and Mike and throw omelets
at him. Then they throw Hollandaise sauce at him. All the while, they're on a
small car. The bots try to break into Gypsy's diary. They blow up dynamite next
to the diary. The bots get blown to pieces, but the diary remains unscathed.
Mike starts to read a letter when Crow comes in with a squirt gun. Everyone
"Dies" in a parody of the ending of the movie. Dr. F stuffs Frank's
dinosaur into Frank's pants. While the end credits roll, we hear Frank getting
hurt.
IMDB link - High School Big Shot
#619 – Red Zone Cuba (1966) Black and white - RHINO
W/ short: "Speech: Platform, Posture and
Appearance" (1949) black and white
Originally titled Night Train to Mundo Fine.
Coleman Francis bombs again, this time dragging John Carradine (The Unearthly)
down with him. Why in the world Coleman had Carridine sing the theme song is
beyond me. Coleman stars as a fugitive on the run from the law. They sign up to
go to Cuba and overthrow Castro. To get them there, they hire a pilot named Cherokee Jack. (pause it on the sign, and note the 3 misspellings.) Once in Cuba, they fail, and almost get executed in the process. Next they escape and go meandering around the USA. They come to a blind woman Pretty bad acting and a dumb ending shoot this one down. Not surprisingly, this one's often found in the IMDB's bottom 100.
The short, Speech: Platform, Posture and
Appearance concerns itself with how to make a good speech using your
appearance. They talk about how people are judged by their appearance. Then
they tell what should be done to make a good appearance. Then they tell us that
your posture is very important in how you deliver your speech. "Think
tall, talk tall, stand tall, and walk tall." They tell us. Then they go
through the types of poor posture. The first is the tired horse. The second is
the telephone type. The third is the he-man athletic type, or the rocking
horse. The last is the turtle type, or leaner. Place, your hands on your knees,
and swing your knees around to find the right balance. Of course, this looks
like the Charleston. Since it has the name Centron on it (Cheating, Why Study the Industrial Arts?) you can be sure that it's bad.
In the hosting segments, Tom becomes a lottery
ball machine, and starts spitting out numbered balls from his head. He shoots
out quite a lot before finishing. Down in Deep 13, TV's Frank is indebted to
the mob for 50 large, and doesn't have the money to pay up. When they come in,
Frank tells them that Dr. F is Frank. Naturally, the mob pounds Dr. F to a
pulp. While Dr. F heals, Mike and the bots play bingo while wearing tuxedos.
Later, Frank Admonishes Dr. F, who is wearing a body cast now. Frank picks up
Dr. F and tries to stand him up. Naturally, Dr. F falls down. Next Mike dresses
in drag and thinks his Carol Channing while he polishes his shoes. Mike then
says he's T-Bone Burnett, in the same Carol Channing costume. Meanwhile, Dr. F
has a near-death experience. In the end, Mike and the bots say they're hurt by RZC, and sing a song to cheer themselves up. Dr. F manages to stand up and exits Deep 13, only to be beaten again by the mob.
IMDB link - Night Train to Mundo Fine
IMDB link - Speech: Platform, Posture & Appearance
#620 – Danger!! Death Ray (1967) color
Originally titled Il Raggio Infernale. It's an
Italian James Bond clone on film here. They start with watching a car drive to
a military base. After checking in at the front gate, they're gathered for a
briefing on the death ray. They demonstrate the death ray, and then two of the
people there gas the others. An attack ensues. In escaping, the roadblock set
up easily allows them to escape. They then climb into a helicopter to get away,
along with a scientist. Then we see a toy submarine gliding across a tub. Next
we see a guy sleeping in bed. A blonde and brunette babe confront him. He's Mr.
Fargo. He's briefed by David Niven clone. The secretary has the hots for the
agent. After that, they're on an airplane and our hero chats up the woman next to him (who looks somewhat like the secretary with a blonde wig on.) then our hero somehow swims out to a house on water, farther than humanly possible in one breath. He goes up a very convenient trap door and fights the guys on the house. While interrogating one of them, another man comes in and kills the guy he was interrogating. They run around some Roman ruins next. Next he knocks out a bald guy that was reading a newspaper. Then he breaks in on some guys getting news from the chief bad guy. They spar for a little, and then he leaves. We then find out the people on the house on the water were also agents of the bad guy. The guy who got a throwing knife in the heart tells them what happened as he dies.
Next our vapid hero spies a woman in a cable car
while standing on the roof of a building. Then there's a guy with an Amish
beard. He tries to kill our hero, but he fails. Then a long chase scene follows
up a flight of stairs. After that, he drops into an art studio where another
brunette bimbo is waiting. She hides our hero while the bad guys enter. Then
Abe serves our hero breakfast, and tries to kill him. Unfortunately, Abe ends
up getting thrown out a high-story window. Then we see a scene of Abe getting
hauled away. Next there's a rather silly low-speed car chase that ends when our
vapid hero sprays something slick on the road. The chasing car turns into a toy
car that goes into a tub. Next our hero goes back to the artist and takes her
out on a date. The bad guys see him. Suddenly our hero's out on the balcony,
Then he takes a sauced-up date back home. When he gets to his hotel room, he
finds an assassin there. After taking care of this guy, he interrogates him,
and gets nowhere. Then a buxom blonde knocks on his door, and he ends up taking
her to bed. She's really an agent for the bad guys that we saw earlier. Next
she and the agent go out on the boat, and then a couple of thugs open fire as
the babe jumps off the boat. The boat then explodes. Our hero escapes, however,
and searches the adjoining room for the blonde babe. Back in his room, he finds
a fellow agent hurt. This guy is a dead ringer for Jerry Reed. They talk. Then
Lucille the artist babe calls. They talk. Next the two bad guys argue.
After that, our hero goes to an informal party. In
one corner is a casino, where he runs into the blonde bimbo agent again. He
gets taken away by someone. Then Lucille shows up in a nice dress. The agent
and a bad guy play pool for about 20 seconds, then a bunch of thugs surround
the agent, and Lucille walks in. They are lead off to a car, where the Jerry
Reed clone gets shoots the bad guys with a dart gun. They then go on a car ride
out to a rural villa where the death ray is. Once there, our hero knocks out
the blonde bimbo, and finds out she's a man. He knocks out some more people as
he goes on, taking out the gang one by one. Then a lot of shooting goes on, and
Jerry Reed clone gets hit. Afterwards, another blonde woman gets hit. Our vapid
her storms into the place only t o be monitored on the security system. While our hero blows away the system, the artist manages to free herself from her bonds and struggle with the villain. This really doesn't enhance the plot any. This film is pretty slow-paced in places and drags quite a bit. Except for the death ray, the gadgets are pretty much non-existent. At some points, the camera shakes like gelatin.
In the hosting segments, Crow gets contact lenses.
Unfortunately, they do more harm than good on him. Tom signs an endorsement for
shoes. TV's Frank is his agent. Crow tries to get Frank to represent him, but
Frank refuses. Then Frank's latest client arrives: Torgo. Not amused by this,
Dr. F hits Frank with his desk. Mike tries to sing his way to Frank's
attention. Tom creates a death ray, which he uses on Crow. Crow catches on fire
and it gets out of control as the commercials come on. Tom does a "This is
Your Life" with Mike. However, the only guest is Crow. Crow develops a
bunch of Italian sunglasses line, and many of them look like something Elton
John would wear. They're also very feminine looking as well, especially the one
that has heart-shaped lenses and says "woman" on it. Cambot cries
because a lot of the video cameras got mowed down in the film. Mike reads a letter. Frank gives Dr. F some glamourshots of himself. "Frank, you look like a slug." He comments.
IMDB link - Il Raggio Infernale
#621 – The Beast of Yucca Flats (1961) black and
white
With shorts: "Money Talks" (1951) black
and white and "Progress Island, U.S.A." (1973) color
Coleman Francis co-stars, writes and directs (He's
the man at the gas station.) The main star is Tor Johnson. That in and of
itself is a formula for disaster. Tor's final movie stars him as a Russian scientist who defects to America. He is working on a top-secret experiment, and then is exposed to radiation and turned into a monster. He goes on the obligatory killing spree, and kills anyone he meets. Slow pacing and the usual bad acting inherent in a Coleman Francis film follow. It also Features many of the places and planes later used in the Skydivers and Red Zone Cuba. The camera shakes like gelatin in places. Add to it not one but two bratty kids who wander in the desert and then narrowly escape getting hurt by Tor. Probably the only good thing about this film was that you don't have to suffer through Tor's Swedish accent. There are very few lines by the actors themselves, just Coleman Francis narrating. Tor Johnson doesn't say anything, and that's about the best one can do with him.
This one was served with two shorts. The first,
"Money Talks" concerns itself with a young man visited by the ghost
of Ben Franklin. Ben Franklin teaches the kid on how to his manage his money.
The kid is a skinny rail and not attractive. He earns about $7 a week and
spends it foolishly. He is taught about how to make a budget. Bad acting and a
silly ending shoot this one down. Obscene cheerfulness from most of the cast doesn't help either.
The second short, "Progress Island,
U.S.A." talks about life in Puerto Rico circa 1960's-1970's. It talks about how there has been much progress in Puerto Rico since they joined the USA as a territory. A very white and annoying narrator take us through this place. It goes through the streets, museums, recreational facilities and hotels. It then talks about the agriculture, and the rum made. It seems everything from steel to textiles to high tech equipment is made there. They also show some of the cultural activities in Puerto Rico. Frankly, it was enough to make me want to stay away forever.
Please note there are one or two small tracking
problems on this copy, all in the feature.
IMDB link - The Beast of Yucca Flats
IMDB link - Progress Island, U.S.A.
#622: Angel's Revenge (1979) color - RHINO
Originally titled Angel's Brigade. Attack of the
Has-been actors would be a better title. It starts Kieu Chinh (The Joy Luck Club,) Jim Backus, Alan Hale Jr., (Both from Gilligan's Island,) Pat Buttram (Green Acres,) Jack Palance (City Slickers, Outlaw [of Gor],) Merlin Olsen (Father Murphy,) Peter Lawford, and Arthur Godfrey. As Joe Bob Briggs would say, this film relies quite a bit on the actresses' talents rather than their talent. It's a show the women in low-cut dresses, and screw everything else flick. The brigade takes on a drug pusher (Palance) and needs help in the matter. They swindle a used car salesman (Buttram,) and the leader of a militia group (Bakus.) Unfortunately, there's one thing the producers forgot: Hiring some women acting ability. I'd say their acting is akin to a late 1970's porno video. It also has a very long flashback as to why they're doing this. One of the babes is a disco singer that can't sing. She's clad in a skimpy outfit to cover up her inability to sing. Godfrey is there, and visits her after the story, and tells her she's the best. Alan Hale, Jr. is Godfrey's assistant, and makes some moves on the woman as well. Next they have a scene with Godfrey, two of the heroines and Hale poolside of a mansion. Later on Buttram stars as a used car dealer that the girls swindle a van out of. This scene is offensive to anyone with a pulse. After this, they kidnap a drug dealer to get the goods on what's going down. A silly torture scene follows. After that, we have them stopping a bunch of drug dealers from delivering their stash. Then Jack Palance goes after the dealer they kidnapped after they release him. This is when the flashback ends. After the battle, the teacher gets confronted by Palance. She does a very fake takedown of Palance. Palance wakes up and overpowers her, then takes off with her. The teenage bimbo grabs a hold of the trunk and rides until the car makes a sharp turn, then she falls off.
In the hosting segments, Crow has amnesia. Tom is
doing a crossword and asks some questions. Crow answers them. After getting
smacked the head, Crow tells them he didn't have amnesia, but had ambrosia. The
mads dress as Tug McGraw and Rollie Fingers. They've put something into their
food that turns them into the cast of Renegade. It works, then wears off. Crow
writes a blacksploitation film called Chocolate Jones and the Temple of Funk.
It's as bad as the other scripts he's written. Later Mike dresses like Fonzie, and so Crow and Tom shoot him with a howitzer. Mike and the bots have a visit from Aaron Spelling's house as it passes by the SOL. In the end, Tom invents the shame-o-meter. They pass it over various roles. The mads dress like Billie Jean King and Bobby Riggs. Frank hits Dr. F with a tennis ball in the head to shut things off.
#623: The Amazing Transparent Man
(1966)
W/ Short: The Days of Our Years" (1955) Color
This movie stars nobody important. They start with someone escaping from a prison. Then the police search for the escapee. The escapee climbs into a car and a woman drives off. After they get stopped by the police, the police check everything over, and let them go. They stop in front of a house reminiscent of Psycho. It's on a farm with a gun-toting hick and another guy. They talk about how there's a doctor doing some experiments upstairs. After meeting the doctor, they talk about an invisible ray. The doctor tells them that the death ray can result in a nuclear explosion. The doctor takes a guinea pig and straps it down. He then inviso-rays the guinea pig. Then he reverses the process. Then they show a boring scene with the guy with the shotgun. He's guarding our escapee. Then he enters the room with the escapee, and is jumped. The escapee then gets the shotgun and goes back to the lab. After a slow, tense moment, the doctor enters, startling the escapee. Before the escapee can get the doctor to open the door, the woman enters, pointing a gun at the escapee. He tries to talk her into grabbing the inviso-ray and running away with him, but fails. Then the guard enters, and he's mad. Then the head bad guy enters, and checks on things. Later on, they decide to make the escapee invisible. This really isn't a bright idea, as once he becomes invisible, he starts hitting the guy. Then he tells the chief bad guy that if he's going to pull this job, he wants a lot of money. Next at a bank, a guard hears things, but doesn't see the invisible man robbing the place. Upon investigating, the guard is knocked out. The invisible man takes a canister out. Later on, the leader of the bad guys says he wants an army of invisible men at his command. After that, the escapee (now visible) is told about another caper he must pull. He's going to steal from a bank in broad daylight. While doing this, he turns visible. On the way out, he dumps the woman on the road, and then turns invisible again. Then back at the house, the escapee keeps turning visible and invisible. He's not happy about this. He kicks everyone out of the place and takes a gun. The woman gets gunned down by the leader of the gang. The leader then hits the escapee with a bottle in the hands, and fights with him. After knocking him on the floor, the leader sets the inviso-ray on overload and has the escapee in the line of fire. The escapee recovers and strikes the leader to the ground. The place then blows up. They then show the police and reporters examining the place afterwards. They tell the doctor that half of the county blew up. The doctor apologizes, saying that he was coerced into this.
The short, "The Days of Our Years" talks about safety in the workshop and around trains. It was made by Union Pacific, who also gave us that other wonderfully awful short "Last Clear Chance." This one is narrated by a preacher who can't narrate worth anything. Scenes show people getting hurt because they're careless. A waitress is constantly sad because her husband was paralyzed by his own carelessness. An older man accidentally kills another man due to having a heart attack, and ignoring the warning signs, and the like. It's as exciting as watching paint dry, and the people in it can't act.
In the hosting segments, Tom has collected Crow in a
5-gallon jug. Crow passes out. After the commercial, Crow finds himself mounted
on a board along with some butterflies. Mike sees this, and admires the
butterflies, but ignores Crow. Down in Deep 13, the mads are running a bed and
breakfast. The guests are Mary Jo Pehl (Mrs. Forrester) and Kevin Murphy. Frank
dresses up like Mrs. Butterworth. It's called "Auntie McFrank's
Tangleberry Inn." The breakfast they are served is with beer. Up on the SOL, Mike is forced to be in a pair of overalls as Crow has to dress like a llama. Servo is dressed like hick. Mike acts psychotic. The couple quickly pack up and rush out. As punishment for this, Dr. F sends them The Amazing Transparent Man and The Days of Our Years. Next Crow tries to learn about the gentle pressure on the shoulder like in the short. Unfortunately, he still ends up getting barbequed after disrupting Servo when Tom was welding. The ruined Crow is the same one seen in Danger!! Death Ray. Next Frank has been given a day off, and he's going to see Squanto. Dr. F tells Frank this musical opened and closed 3 weeks ago. Next Mike brings an organ out of storage, and has it go on autoplay. Mike then dresses up in a cape and a wig, and then plays a little more. In the end, Mike asks Crow and Tom if they'd rather blow up a county or have an invisible army. Tom tells us that blowing up any county in Texas is justifiable. Down in Deep 13, Frank dresses up like Mrs. Butterworth again and serves tea to Dr. F. Dr. F mentions the disappointment of the previous hosting segment, and then Frank gets all mad, turns the table over, and cries.
Please note this copy is missing the end credits and stinger. ^*$&# told me it was complete, too. LIAR!!!
IMDB link - The Amazing Transparent Man
IMDB link - The Days of Our Years
#624 – Sampson vs. The Vampire Women (1961) black
and white
Originally titled El Santo contra Las Mujeres
Vampiros. It's a Mexican stinker on film that stars nobody important. A bunch
of vampire women wake up after sleeping for a while. They probably have the
worst makeup I've ever seen. After turning one of them into a hot Mexican babe,
they wake their slaves up. They're after a woman named Rebecca, whom, after 200
years, has been born again and plays the piano. It's hard not to fall asleep while
she's playing the piano. They then have a nasty ritual to seduce this woman to
be a vampire. Since the next day is Rebecca's birthday, they get ready to
seduce her. Then Samson shows up. He's a 1950's – 1960's Mexican wrestler,
complete with mask and cape. They later have a masquerade ball with costumes.
It's pretty bad and obviously staged. The Vampire women show up. They manage to
kidnap Rebecca, and take her to their crypt. Sampson goes to rescue her, and
the thing ends up by Sampson killing the vampire women by setting them and
their coffins on fire. The plot drags in places and there's the prerequisite
bad acting as well.
This one is best known as TV's Frank's last
episode. Mike Nelson revives the character of Torgo to take Frank to second
banana heaven in the second hosting segment. In a later segment, Dr. F sings a
song about Frank called "Who will I kill?"
IMDB link – El Santo Contra Los Mujeres Vampiros
Please note this copy is missing the stinger.