Mystery Science Theater 3000 comments:
Key:
Experiment # - name of movie (year movie was made) format (color vs. black and white)
W/short: short name(s) (year made) format (color vs. black and white)
#401 - Space Travelers (1969 film, 1991 video) Color
Originally named Marooned. What would happen if you replaced the actors in Apollo 13 with two no-names and Gene Hackman, put Gregory Peck, Richard Crenna, Mariette Hartely and David Jansen (Dr. Kimball of the Fugitive) on the ground, and gave them a bad plot involving a disaster in space similar to Apollo 13, but poorly done? You get Space Travelers. It's slow pacing and long, boring space sequences drag this down. David Jansen's career never recovered from this. It was produced by Frank Capra, Jr., who is nowhere near as good as his father. It also has a lot of stock footage of NASA space flights.
In the hosting segments, Crow tries his hand at being an escape artist in the beginning. Tom acts as an announcer. Crow drops the key that will save him. Frank reads Variety, noting that Bruce Willis' career isn't going to well. Joel invents the cash camera, which puts anyone's face on a dollar bill. The mads invent tissues with people's faces on them. For some reason, Frank can't sneeze at Pat Buchanan easily, then when he does, the room shakes. Next Joel and the bots go over the list of things that have been improved thanks to the space race. Some of these items existed before the space race, though After that, they parody the movie with Crow dressed and sounding like Gregory Peck. Tom and Joel are in a cardboard cut-out of a rocket ship. Crow drifts from Peck into Pauley Shore then into Bob Dylan. Next Joel asks the bots if they're touched by this film, and they say no. They tell him since they're robots, they don't need to breathe, and so they can go out into space with no problems. They leave a befuddled Joel. In the end, Joel plays find the figure. One can see he drops the figure on the ground, and there is no action figure. They read some letters. Gypsy enters with several different balls in her mouth.
#402 - The Giant Gila Monster (1959) black and white
Something mutates a Gila monster until it's about 15 feet long. What does this is not made clear. It goes on the obligatory rampage. That's about all it offers. Everyone acts stupid and very badly. Starring nobody important and extremely forgettable. Well, there's one thing that's memorable: A song called "Laugh, children, Laugh" by a Pat Boone clone, except he can't sing and the song is stupid.They play it at a school dance, and it's funny to watch the kids trying to dance to it. Some politically incorrect scenes of the drunk driving don't help either.
In the hosting segments, Joel puts Crow's head on Tom's body. Then he separates their heads from their bodies. Frank tells us Dr. F is dead. Dr. F then enters and then tells Joel to go with invention exchange while he inflicts pain on Frank. Joel invents the plot point radio. It picks up newscasts, and a station that's played the same song for over 50 years. The mads invent the Renaissance festival character bop bags. These are bop bags with Renaissance festival characters such as a rat catcher, a leather mug maker, and a harlequin clown. Frank gets very aggressive about beating on these characters. Next they parody the malt shop scene. The bots dance while Joel plays the soda jerk. After that, they talk about the comical drunk. Gypsy becomes the lush and for these purposes, has arms. She kisses Joel. Next they have Servo in Cinema. He does a bio on the director of this film, Ray Kellogg. The others get involved, and Tom gets very angry about this. They show stills from the film about people who put their legs on something. In the end, They do a sound check as a band called Hee-la. Crow does a Gene Simmons tongue thing. Crow then complains that they're doing the same thing that the did as Spy-dor, in Earth vs. the Spider. One of the letters is from TV's Frank.
IMDB link The Giant Gila Monster
#403 - City Limits (1985) color
What in the world was James Earl Jones thinking when he agreed to do this one? A trashy mid 1980's post-apocalyptic nightmare film about a bunch of people who fight a guy who's behind a desk all the time (Robbie Benson.) Also stars Rae Dawn Chong and Kim Cattral as a motorcycle mama in a motorcycle mania, post apocalyptic disaster. Robbie Benson's career never recovered from this stinker, and how Kim Cattral's did is beyond me.
In the hosting segments, the bots pull the old ping-pong balls trick on Joel. Then Tom gets Crow's eyes somehow. Dr. F knocks Frank out. Joel invents Mr. Meat and potato head, for all that meat that isn't being used. the Mads invent a device to keep pop star freshness. Mike Nelson plays Morrissey in this segment. Next Crow writes a song about Kim Cattral that's pretty bad. They try to a scene from Mannequin that's really bad. After that, Crow and Tom are organizing their comic book collection. One of them prominently featured is X-Men. They try to come up with various superheroes. These are superheroes such as Man Man, who has the powers of a man; Lumber Man, who controls the forces of lumber; and then a team of superheroes that are pretty silly. Then they continue their tirade about superheroes they want to see. In the end, the bots talk about how forgettable this movie was. They play Trivial Pursuit: the City Limits version. Crow can't remember which character Rae Dawn Chong played. Tom can't even remember the movie's name. Then they read some letters. Down in Deep 13, the mads can't get rid of Morrisey.
#404 - Teenagers from Outer Space (1959) black and white
Attack of the Giant Lobster would be a better title for this disaster. Starring nobody special, the teenagers have a special death ray which turns people into skeletons instantly. (Somehow, the bones stay connected due to some unfathomable reason.)They also bring in an alien species that looks exactly like a lobster in a cage to raise as food. However, the lobster creature mutates, growing giant sized. It then goes on the prerequisite killing spree. Add a silly romantic story and this movie goes nowhere. The main heroine was definitely chosen for her looks and not her acting ability. Ditto with the rest of the cast. Very painful to watch, even with the help of Joel and the bots.
In the hosting segments, Joel tries to cure the bots of their saying "NBC Mystery Movie" when they see a flashlight. Tom tricks Joel into saying this. Joel invents the scratch-n-sniff report card. The mads invent the Resussi-Anne ventriloquist dummy. It sticks, and Frank has to dial 911 while drinking water. Joel and the bots lampoon the lack of reality in this movie by comparing real life to reel life. Next they do a parody of the theater promo showing snacks magically gravitating towards the trashcan. Next Crow muses on the film and applies it to their situation. Then a skull cruiser comes in and buzzes the satellite. On the hexfield, a skeleton tries to talk to Joel and the bots, but then ends up falling apart. Tom mentions he was working on a tri-star Pegasus logo. Joel finds it, and it turns out to be a cow with wings. Then it's commercial sign. In the end, Joel and the bots have a fashion show. Crow abruptly ends it when they show him lying on a fur rug. Down in Deep 13, Dr. F wines and dines his Resussi-Annie doll. Frank is the waiter.
IMDB link Teenagers from Outer Space
#405 - Being from Another Planet (1982) color
Originally titled Time Walker. This film deserves neither cool title. In King Tut's tomb, they find an alien wrapped in bandages and a green fungus. The fungus infects people and kills them slowly. It is at a university, and one of the students steals a bag of crystals that belongs to the alien. The student gives the crystals to his friends, and one by one they get attacked, and some die from the fungus. This film is more dumb than silly. It also has quite a number of scenes of the campus boiler room with a puke green filter on the camera. Starring Shari Belefonte-Harper, the daughter of Harry Belafonte. She's a radio D.J. Many of the actors have no lines other than screaming. In the end, Tom says this movie is worse than any other they had seen before. Joel and Crow offer suggestions about other movies they thought were worse, but Tom just keeps saying "worse" over and over until Crow says "Well, how about the Castle of Fu Manchu?" Tom backs down and says that Castle of Fu Manchu was just as bad. I have to agree with him on this. The more this one is watched, the more painful it becomes.
In the hosting segments, Joel invents the Jack Palance impersonation kit, a gas-mask like device that turns your voice into that of Jack Palance. The mads invent the Tragic moments figurines, which include things like a family watching its house burn down, a kid holding a dead dog, and a kid rushing in front of an oncoming car to get a ball. Sick indeed. At one point, everyone feels depressed about the movie, so Joel tries to cheer them up with some party effects, and holoclowns on the hexfield viewer. Mike Nelson and Paul Chapin are the clowns.
#406 - Attack of the Giant Leeches (1960) black and white
With Short: "The Undersea Kingdom" Part I "Beneath the Ocean" (1936) black and white
It's another Roger Corman disaster set in a small town where
giant leeches attack. They never quite make it clear about how the leeches got
so big. It's set in a small town, and stereotypes abound here. It also has a
buxom blonde bimbo whose sole role is to be eye candy for the horny males of
the film. She's married to a fat jerk of a man that treats her bad. She leaves
him and has an affair with another man. Starring nobody important and very
forgettable. However, riffing on this one was like shooting fish in a barrel.
The short is best known as the oldest material that was ever MiSTed. It was a mid 1930's movie serial concerning the story of sailors sent down under the waves to stop the evil underwater king of Atlantis. It was another movie serial that was pretty bad. It has quite a large cast for a serial. This one starts with a very long and boring sequence at Annapolis. Try to spot Lon Chaney, Jr. in the role of Hakur if you can.
In the hosting segments, Joel has trouble with the holoclowns, and then has to shut them off. One of the clowns is Mike Nelson. Frank reads "How to Deal with Difficult People." The Mads create a leech that would suck the desire of smoking out of a person. Kevin Murphy plays the leech at the end. Joel invents the adolescent kit. This simulates being a teenager. Next Crow has a Billy doll (from the short.) Joel asks the bots what the bots would wear to take over the world. Joel says anyone who wants to take over the world is going to end up looking silly. Down in Deep 13, Dr. F wears a 17th century outfit while Frank dresses like a bratty little kid. Next Joel and the bots have a coffee break. Tom's head is a coffee pot. They talk about their dreams. Next They also do a song about being inbred hicks that's bad but funny. It's called "A Danger to Ourselves and Others." In the end, Crow and Tom debate whether or not the leeches were smart or not. Down in Deep 13, The leech attached to Frank's neck becomes giant (and played by Kevin Murphy.) It has sucked all the blood out of Frank. The leech and Dr. F walk off and plan lunch together.
IMDB link Attack of the Giant Leeches
IMDB link The Undersea Kingdom
#407 - The Killer Shrews (1959) black and white
With Short: Junior Rodeo Daredevils (1949) black and white
Dog-sized shrews terrorize a group of people on an island. According to the film, shrews will eat anything, including bones, marrow, and flesh. If that wasn't difficult enough for you to swallow, the acting is bad and it stars James Best (Sheriff Roscoe Coltraine on the Dukes of Hazard.) The killer shrews are obviously Dobermans with very bad teeth. There's also one guy who looks vaguely like Dr. Forrester, and he has a thick accent and is hard to understand. The cast also gets drunk, probably to numb the pain of being in this film. If this wasn't enough to turn you off, there's a very stereotypical African-American actor that gets killed in a very racially offensive scene. It's a very boring and extremely forgettable movie.
The short, "Junior Rodeo Daredevils" is on the first Shorts Rhino put out. This story concerns a pair of mischievous children who organize a junior rodeo with an old man. The old man is the spitting image of Wilford Brimley. The junior rodeo Features calf riding, roping, and horse training. These days, something like this would be called child endangerment. A very annoying narrator and no words from the actors themselves shoot this down. It stars nobody important. Probably among the best jobs ever done by Joel and the bots on a short, right up there with "Mr. B Natural."
In the hosting segments, Joel invents the Edgar Winter Cabbage patch dolls. The mads have a device that will drill to the center of the earth. Next Joel dresses up like a cowboy and swings a rope around. Crow has cow horns on, and Tom is dressed like a cactus. Joel then starts throwing out quotes from Western types, then spews out quotes at random. "Casey Stengel? He's all over the map!" Crow says. Tom manages to get away, but Crow gets lassoed by Joel. Next There's a sketch on how to mix a Killer Shrew drink. It looks sickening. Frank mixes one up and drinks it all down.
IMDB link - Junior Rodeo Daredevils
#408 - Hercules Unchained (1959) color
Originally titled Ercole E La Regina di Lidia. The second of the Hercules film series, it stars Italian strongman Steve Reeves as Hercules. It's proof positive that all films out of Europe aren't always great. In this one, an evil queen, who makes him drink the waters of forgetfulness so she can have the recently married stud, desires Hercules. It degenerates into a show-how-strong and good Hercules is and a bunch of fighting.
In the hosting segments, Tom gets a bath, and really hates it. Crow tries to avoid getting a bath, but gets one during the commercials. The mads create designer swatch roaches. These are cockroaches with various designs. Joel invents the Steve-o-meter, a device that detects whether or not Steve Allen has already invented something. Mike Nelson stars in the hosting segments as Steve Reeves. Next the bots get into hedonism, and relax. Joel has to peel grapes for this. Gypsy tries to sing a song called "Last night." She can't sing, and she plays the lyre horribly. Next Joel and the bots feast on various foods that cause various emotions. Joel feasts on the bean-and-onion salad of happiness. Next Joel reads Tekworld by Shatner. The bots ask Joel why Hercules would want to stay with the woman all day. The bots try to get Joel to talk about him wanting sex with the women there. Joel doesn't give into this, however. In the end, they talk about the need for heroes and why Hercules exists in the first place. Down in Deep 13, Dr. F asks Steve to comment on it. However, Steve tells Dr. F he was only in it for the babes and cheap wine.
IMDB link Ercole E La Regina di Lidia
#409 - Indestructible Man (1956) black and white
With Short: Undersea Kingdom, part II (1936) "The Undersea City." black and white
Lon Chaney, Jr. and Casey Adams [the later of Catalina Caper fame] star in this disaster about a man convicted and sentenced to die. Unfortunately, things go awry, and Lon Chaney Jr.'s character becomes invulnerable. He meanders around with a blank expression on his face hurting those who wronged him in the past. There's also a detective there named (I kid you not) Dick Chasen. He falls hopelessly in love with Lon's ex-girlfriend, whose sole purpose is to be the hapless victim and the love interest of Dick Chasen.
In the short, "Undersea Kingdom" part II, we're faced with the 1930's serial again. This one was somewhat confusing and the acting was pretty bad. It had lots of long, boring chase sequences.
In the hosting segments, the bots switch voices. Crow switches voices with Tom while Gypsy switches voices with Magic Voice. Down in Deep 13, they're entertaining has-been stars. The mads get evasive about what they've invented. Joel invents cereal box novels. They have such things as Interview with a Vampire on Count Chocula cereal. Next they have a parade based on the Undersea Kingdom, with Gypsy's tail as the road. The band here is silly looking. Tom is a float filled with hydrogen that plays Hindenberg. Next Joel tries to explain pain to the bots. He then asks them about what they'd do if they were indestructable. They go through some gruesome things. Joel says he would wear a wool sweater without a shirt beneath it, and then tells the bots that indestructible fantasies don't necessarily have to be gruesome. They argue with him about this. They try to one-up each other here. After that, Joel tries to imitate Lon Chaney's eye scrunching from the film. Crow and Tom try to get involved. The bots then argue. After that, the bots force Joel to sign a document to not make any bad doughnut jokes. Down in Deep 13, Mike Nelson and Kevin Murphy star as cops that cite the Mads for loud noise. Mike dispels some of the stereotypes of policemen.
IMDB link Indestructable Man
IMDB link The Undersea Kingdom
#410 - Hercules Against the Moon Men (1964) color
Originally titled Maciste e la Regina di Samar. Alan Steele is back as the son of Zeus in this Italian film about an evil queen who uses the help of men from the moon to take things over in a cataclysmic disaster. This film has one of the longest sandstorm sequences imaginable, and as you can imagine, it drags the film down to a snail's pace. It stars nobody important. This is one of the better jobs done on a Hercules movie by Joel and the bots.
In the hosting segments, Joel invents the Super-Freak out kit, which can turn your party into a disco party. The mads merely say they've invented "Deep Hurting!" which is about the film. Next they talk about how pants are important, and sing the song"Pants!" There's also some things about Tom and Crow running away and Tough guy names.
IMDB link Maciste e la Regina di Samar
#411 - The Magic Sword (1962) color
Basil Rathbone (The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes) stars in this Bert I. Gordon (who wrote, produced, and directed this film) disaster that is probably one of the first Sword & Sorcery films. Basil is an evil sorcerer who has kidnapped a princess because the king beheaded his sister long ago. There's a sorceress that looks like Endora from Bewitched. She has a two-headed aide that's quite annoying. The king (who looks like a cross between Redd Foxx and Mr. T, or if you remember it, Grady from Sanford and Son) hires a bunch of knights to save her, but a young man equipped with a magic sword, armor and horse do the rescuing. Cheesy and very cheap special effects added with bad performances make this one a stinker. The dragon is probably one of the worst ever made. Basil's career never recovered from this disaster.
In the hosting segments, Joel fancies himself a caricaturist, but can't draw. The mads make designer biohazard pillows. Joel invents the Big gulp beret. They have a commercial for Basil Rathbones, the doggie treat. There's also a song called "ode to Estelle" which is about the heroine of this film.
#412 - Hercules and the Captive Women (1961) color
Originally titled Ercole Alla Conquista di Atlantide. More Italian Hercules film stupidity. It stars nobody important. A long sequence in a chamber, bad acting and forgettable plotline shoot this one down. Herc starts out in a bar where there's a fight. Then he goes to an island where he rescues the only woman who's actually captured. She was to be sacrificed to a demigod named Proteus. He then returns her to her people, the people of Atlantis. They worship Uranus. Probably the silliest thing about this movie is that there is only one woman who's been captured, and Hercules rescues her. In the end Atlantis is destroyed, and they show a lot of stock footage here.
This experiment is best remembered for having Gypsy in the theater along with Joel, Crow and Tom in the beginning. After about 10 minutes, she gives up. They also have a Hercules action figure that only says "I'm so tired I can hardly keep my eyes open." Joel invents the womb-mate, and the mads invent the lawn baby.
IMDB link Ercole Alla Conquista di Atlantide
#413 - Manhunt in Space (1956) black and white
With Short: General Hospital, Part I (1958) black and white
This one is a 1950's TV show merged into a film, and it stars nobody important. A couple is stuck in space because all of the sudden, their instruments go dead. The woman's brother gets an assignment: there are cargo ships vanishing all over the place. This is because of some space pirates. The brother rescues his sister and brings her ship into a planet. An evil woman with a bad temper controls the pirates. A jaunt to the pirate's lair makes no sense, and lots of cheesy special effects and bad dialogue shoot this one down. Even worse, they talk about something called "cold light" which makes things invisible, and the premise behind it is just too farfetched to believe. Very annoying is the character of Winky, played in a hosting segment by Mike Nelson. Winky has loser written all over him.
In the short, General Hospital, it is one from early in the daytime soap's run. A doctor visits a patient, and tells her she has a striated hernia, defined by the doctor a "pinching" in the stomach. The doctor tells her there's no cause for alarm, but you can pretty much guess that it does get worse. There's a doctor that mumbles quite a bit. Also stars nobody important.
In the hosting segments. The bots play soap opera, and it gets pretty silly. The Mads invent bean bag pants, that let you sit anywhere. Joel invents clothing made from recycled paper products. Mike Nelson assays the role of Winky and tells Joel and the bots that he's calling from a love rocket. They immediately expose that he's lying, and living in his mother's basement.
#414 - Tormented (1960) black and white
This is another Bert I. Gordon disaster that stars nobody important. A jazz piano player has his mistress confront him, and then she accidentally dies by falling off the top of a lighthouse. Thinking he rescued her, he pulls a clump of seaweed out of the ocean. A bratty and annoying girl then finds the mistress' watch, and gives it to the man. This is but the first of many reminders that come back to haunt this poor sap. There's a lot of exterior shots of the beach house he's staying at that gets repeated over and over. Bad acting and stupid special effects shoot this one down. There's really nothing to make you like or hate the main character, with the exception of the woman's death. It's also extremely boring, depressing and has bad music. The kid also does an unfunny and unentertaining magic act. In a bit of nepotism, the character Sandy was played by Susan Gordon, Bert's daughter. It was tough to watch even with the help of Joel and the bots.
In the hosting segments, The mads invent the drinking jacket, complete with the DTs. Joel invents the Aunt Catherine Wheel. There's also a song called "Happy thoughts" To try to cheer themselves up after this horrificly depressing film.
#415 - The Beatniks (1958) black and white
With Short: General Hospital, part II (1958) black and white
Bad film starring nobody important about some wild kids who steal. Written and directed by Paul Frees. It has as many real Beatniks in it as Tormented [see previous experiment.] None of the guys have goatees, and only one of them wears black. No berets, poetry or anything else Beatnik. However, it has a cheap Pat Boone clone that sings very badly to boot. It's about the singer's rise to the top, and the "Beatnik" gang that holds him down.
The short, part II of General Hospital, celebrates something a woman did (They don't make it clear.) Then one of the doctors there gets a call, and leaves. It's about as interesting as watching paint dry.
In the hosting segments, Joel invents pocket pool, which allows one to play pool in one's pants. The mads come up with troll costumes.
#416 - Fire Maidens from Outer Space (1956) black and white
A Cy Roth production (he wrote, directed and produced; you know a production is in trouble when someone does all three) that stars nobody important. They start with a long, slow flight from New Mexico to London. An Earth exploration team finds a bunch of beautiful women on one of the moons of Jupiter. It is a colony called new Atlantis, where Atlantis and Greek Myths come to life. There are quite a number of nubile, beautiful young women who are supposedly descended from Aphrodite showing off plenty of leg here. Lots of scenes where nothing important happens are in this film. Eventually one of them, a woman named Hestia (after the Greek goddess of the home, no less) falls in love with the captain of the space crew. It moves with the speed of a sleepy snail and the acting is pretty bad. In London, nobody bothers to fake British accents. It's another 1950's sexist male fantasy come to life. Not surprisingly, chances are you'll find this movie hovering in the bottom 100 films at the IMDB.
This episode is best known for introducing Timmy, the evil, black version of Crow. Timmy reeks havoc on the SOL and then in Deep 13. The mads have the giant checkbook, and Joel comes up with the cheese shoe. "Just eat it." They say.
IMDB link Fire Maidens from Outer Space
#417 - Crash of the Moons (1954) black and white
With Short: General Hospital, part III (1958) black and white
More episodes from Manhunt in Space merged into a film, it's not much better. The evil space pirates and her bumbling crew are back, as are Rocky, Winky, the captain, the bratty kid and the gratuitous blonde babe. In this film the main problem is that there is a space station between two moons, which is causing them to crash. Rocky saves the station in the nick of time, but the moons will crash still, and Rocky has to convince the local populace to leave. John Banner (Sgt. Schultz on Hogan's Heroes) plays the leader of the local populace. Lots of bad acting and slow moving action sequences stink this one up.
In the Short, "General Hospital" Part III, Cynthia gets a call about something (it's not made clear,) and she leaves a party. After she leaves, someone else throws her party cake away. In the car, some guy confronts Cynthia about her love for him that is mutual.
In the hosting segments, Joel invents a guitar that one can wreck and it will reform itself. The mads create Deep 13 toothpaste, which is a sugary concoction that will let you rot your teeth out. Next there's a song called "Gypsy Moons" that's a 1920's style song. Crow and Tom serenade Gypsy. Crow goes ballistic in the end here, and Joel has to stop him.
#418 - Attack of the Eye Creatures (1965) color
Originally titled The Eye Creatures. Some prints of the film (like the one viewed here) calls it Attack of the the Eye Creatures [sic.] Stars nobody important. A military installation has sighted a UFO. It contains a lot of slow pacing and a couple of scenes where two military types use secret equipment to spy on a couple making out are here. It's supposed to be funny, but it's about as funny as a heart attack. A man accidentally kills one of the aliens, and then gets hauled to jail. A lot of stereotypical people here. A cranky old man is there for comic relief, and it doesn't work. Bad colorizaiton, bad acting, horrible music and cheesy special effects kill this one. If that wasn't enough to turn you off, some of the scenes allegedly take place at night, but they're clearly in broad daylight. When the eye creatures face away from the screen, one can clearly see the zippers on their backs. Also one of the eye creatures wears tennis shoes.
In the hosting segments, Joel invents the funny gag fax, which squirts water on its victim. He faxes one to the mads, and Dr. F gets it in the face while Frank doesn't. The mads come up with the router Ouija board, which carves out messages ouija style. In the end, Crow points out all the continuity problems in the film, saying the director just didn't care. Down in deep 13, the mads have brought the director (played by Mike Nelson) to say he did care. The director tells them he didn't care, though...
#419 - The Rebel Set (1959) black and white
With Short: "Johnny at the Fair" (1947) black and white
Another film starring nobody important, this one explores real beatniks and their scene. One of them convinces a group of the beatniks to commit a robbery for money. Bad and very forgettable.
The short, "Johnny at the Fair" concerns itself with a kid who wanders away from his parents to see the whole fair he is at. He goes around the fair and sees all the exhibits there. If you're guessing it's about as exciting as watching paint dry, you're right. Being in Canada doesn't help either. Of course, had this happened in real life, the kid would have been smacked up the head quite a bit. It stars Joe Louis and was narrated by Lorne Greene.
In the hosting segments, Joel invents the abstract paint-by-numbers kit. He has a red square on a sheet. The mads invent the quick primp kit, which allows one to make oneself better looking while waiting in line. The device is quite heavy, however. In the final hosting segment, we have the famous "Who is Merritt Stone?" Which causes Tom's head to explode. (Merritt Stone was in Earth vs. the Spider, the Magic Sword and Tormented.)
IMDB link - Johnny at the Fair
#420 - The Human Duplicators (1965) color
Bad film staring Hugh Beaumont (Leave it to Beaver) and Richard Kiel (Jaws from James Bond.) Richard Kiel is an alien sent to infiltrate Earth for an alien empire. Kiel sounds like Kermit the frog on steroids. He then goes and kills a prominent scientist. Beaumont goes to investigate. The scientist was working on how to duplicate people, using cybernetics. Kiel makes a copy of the scientist, and copies people so he can take over the world. When a duplicate is hit hard, it turns into a cheap terra cotta and shatters. Unfortunately, the duplicates turn on him and try to take over. Richard Kiel stared in quite a number of stinkers, most notably this film and Eegah! Also in this film is George Nader (Robot Monster, The Million Eyes of Sumuru.)
In the hosting segments, Joel invents the beanie chopper, a beanie with the propeller on top that is motorized. The mads invent the William Conrad refrigerator alarm, an alarm that sounds only if William Conrad is raiding your refrigerator. In the end, Kevin Murphy plays William Conrad and raids the mads refrigerator. They don't believe it's worked until they see him running off with a bag of goodies.
IMDB link The Human Duplicators
#421 - Monster A-Go Go (1965) black and white
With Short: Circus on Ice (1959)Color (looks black and white, though.)
Probably the biggest thing you notice about the main Feature is that THERE ARE NO MONSTERS IN THIS FILM. Starring nobody important, this film concerns a space capsule that crashes onto Earth. It also shows a bunch of young people at a go-go. The alien commits a murder. The alien is radioactive to boot. If that wasn't enough to turn you off, there is a very long and boring scene involving the civil defense and the fire department. It gets even sillier and stupider as the movie goes on. Arguably among the worst films ever MiSTed, right there with Manos: the Hands of Fate. If you don't believe me, follow the IMDB link below, and you'll find it hanging around somewhere in the bottom 100.
In the short, "Circus on Ice," talks about a circus performed on ice skates. It's based on the 40th annual Toronto Skating Club carnival. As Joe Bob Briggs would put it, this circus relies a lot on the actresses' talents rather than their talent. The whole short reeks of misogyny. Add an unconvincing and annoying narrator to the mix and you get this short.
In the hosting segments, the mads have a contest as to who could come up with the best action figure. They say that they're going to show a good movie if Joel and the bots win. The mads invent Johnny Longtorso, a doll that comes sold separately. Each component (head, torso, arm, etc.) is sold separately. "Evil! You are evil!" Gypsy shouts as she sees this. Tom invents an action figure of Edward VIII, earl of Oxford. It has been theorized that Edward actually wrote most of Shakespeare's plays. Gypsy invents an action figure of Wilma Rudolph, who won three gold medals in the Olympics. Crow's doll is a tapeworm. Unfortunately, Frank is the judge of the contest, so naturally, Joel and the bots lose. They get served Monster A-Go Go. Next Gypsy tells Crow she doesn't understand him. Crow does his best to explain to her what he's all about. Next the bots question Joel about the song Escape (the Piña Colada song.) Tom deconstructs the song and analyzes it to death. In the end, Tom is depressed so Joel dresses him like a king and calls him a "happy king." this only serves to make Tom even more depressed.
#422- The Day the Earth Froze (1959) color
With Short: Here Comes the Circus (1946) black and white
Originally titled Sampo. This was a Swedish-Soviet joint project, based on a Swedish Saga. An evil witch wants a Sampo (a magical mill which grinds grain, gold, and salt automatically at the same time.) To get one, she kidnaps the daughter of a blacksmith skilled enough to make one. The blacksmith rescues his daughter by making a Sampo. In the process of escaping, the Sampo is destroyed. So the evil witch steals the sun, locking it in a cave. The rest of the world freezes, of course. So the hero goes and liberates the sun. One thing I never could figure out: How did they get the shots of the guy riding the rapids on a log? Remember, this is the days before much of our modern video manipulation technology It stars nobody important, but they all look like ABBA clones. There's also some very poor dubbing on this film.
The short, Here Comes the Circus is a very bad promo film for a circus (I think it's the Ringling Bros./ Barnum & Bailey circus.) It has all the standard circus acts, only badly done. Stars Emmitt Kelly in the role of a clown. It includes acrobats that aren't entertaining, animals that are more intelligent than the people who train them, and clowns that are unfunny and scary. In probably one of the biggest wastes of talent ever, all Emmitt Kelly does throughout the short is eat. That's it. The narrator's also obscenely cheerful as well.
In the hosting segments, The mads invent the unhappy meal, a meal that comes with a hamburger that already has a bite taken out of it, used needles, a dead silverfish, and the like. Joel invents snaction, a set of snacks that include things ike the 5 ladyfingers of death, shuriken-shaped cookies, and the pixie bo staff. The bots dress up like ninjas while Joel explains this invention. We have a song Gypsy Rose Me which Gypsy sings. It proves emphatically that Jim Mallon can't sing. :(
IMDB link - Here Comes the Circus
#423 - Bride of the Monster (1956) black and white
With Short: Hired! Part I (1940) black and white
With Ed Wood, Jr. (Plan 9 from Outer Space, The Violent Years, the Sinister Urge) directing, Bela Lugisi (The Corpse Vanishes, Plan 9 from Outer Space and The Phantom Creeps) and Tor Johnson (Beast of Yucca Flats, and The Unearthly) starring, you know it's a formula for disaster. Tor Johnson revives his dim bulb character Lobo again. He assists a mad scientist (Lugosi) who made a giant octopus and is working on a monster. Two hunters happen on the octopus and get killed. Bela is the best actor in this film, and that's not saying much.
If you have the Manos video, you've seen the best parts of Hired! This is a 1940 film to train managers in Chevrolet. It concerns the exploits of a manager trying to get his guys to go out there and sell cars. The acting is pretty bad and very slow-paced. It's also on Mr. B's lost shorts as well. It's what you'd expect from a Jam Handy (Uncle Jim's Dairy Farm, A Case of Spring Fever) production.
In the hosting segments, Joel tries to find out what Crow is dreaming. The Mads invent the Tough Love seat. Punishment for two in this chair. Joel invents microwave Faith Popcorn. There's also a song about the short.
IMDB link Bride of the Monster
#424 Manos, the Hands of Fate (1966) color
W/ Short: Hired! Part II (1948) black and white - RHINO
It was a dark night in 1964. Fertilizer salesman Hal Warren was shooting his mouth off after drinking at a bar. He made a bet with a friend that he could make a good horror film on a shoestring budget.
From that bar bet we get perhaps the biggest embarrassment the city of El Paso and the Lone Star state cinema has ever had to endure. Starring nobody important, this film starts out with a long, boring car-driving scene. This climaxes with the police pulling the car over and telling the inept father that he has a taillight broken. The father is Hal Warren, noted fertilizer salesman. He also produced, directed, and wrote this film. This bozo has his wife Margaret (played by Warren's real life wife.) the family dog and four year old daughter Debbie with him. (Debbie was played by Stephanie Nielson; The kid is probably traumatized for life and might be residing in the Texas state mental hospital in Terrel.) After taking a wrong turn, they pass by two young lovers who are in the guy's car. They share a flask of booze and kiss. (Side note: This wasn't in the original script for the film; it was added at the last minute because the actress playing the female of the couple broke her leg. She actually filmed those scenes with her leg in a cast. She was originally supposed to be one of the Master's wives. That's her boyfriend she's making out with in the film.)
Upon arriving at the end of the road, they find a hacienda and stop. Caretaker of the hacienda is Torgo, (Side note: The reason why Torgo had such a hard time getting around and stumbled a lot was because he was supposed to be a satyr. The guy who played him was walking on a horse's hoofs. You can kinda see this when he's thrown onto the slab.) Torgo tells the family they must spend the night there. They also see a picture of the Master. He's an evil looking dude with a very nasty looking Doberman. Night falls and then the family decides to leave. Dad can't get the car started, however. Debbie wanders off after the dog gets killed in mysterious circumstances. She returns with the Master's dog. Meanwhile, in the basement the Master is sleeping. He wakes up and then wakes his many wives up as well. The wives are dressed in see-through bed sheets and underwear. The master checks over Margaret and Debbie while the wives argue about whether Debbie should be allowed to be a wife. This degenerates into a long, boring catfight. Meanwhile, while the dad's outside, Torgo knocks him out and ties him to a pole with his belt. Torgo then goes into the house and spies Margaret in her underwear. Torgo interrupts her and starts playing with her hair. Instead of kicking him in the balls like most women would, Margaret shouts for her unconscious husband. Torgo leaves and then the Master confronts him. The master isn't pleased that Torgo is handling his future wife. Torgo says he wants her for his own. When he can't have her, Torgo betrays the master and tells him that he'll help the family escape. The master hustles Torgo down to the slab and tells him he must die. After the wives grope his body, the master sticks Torgo's had into a fire. The fire consumes Torgo's hand, and Torgo rushes out with his arm on fire.
Now awake and eager to get out no matter what, the dad gathers his family only to find that the Master and his wives are after them. They try a stratagem: double back to the hacienda. Unfortunately, this doesn't work. The dad ends up shooting the master three times at point blank range, but not hurting him in the least. Later we're shown that the dad is now the caretaker, and he's seducing two more women to be the wives of the Master. Legend has it that no less than three members of the cast committed suicide shortly after the film's release, but only one of them was actually confirmed: John Reynolds, who played Torgo. Shame too. He'd never know the fame MST3K brought him. Hal Warren died a horrible death from cancer in 1986, on the 20th anniversary of Manos' release. Stranger still was that the Brains edited out chunks of the movie so they could fit in the short. According to an interview I saw, Joel and Trace thought that the movie was worth doing; all the other writers (Mike, Kevin, Frank, Bridget, and Mary Jo) felt the movie was beyond saving. In a recent survey, I asked fellow MiSTies what the worst music they've ever heard was. Not surprisingly, the winner was "The Master's Theme" from this movie. It alternates between someone strangling a clarinet and a cat jumping up and down on a piano. Also not surprisingly, this stinkmaster is usually around #1 or tied for #1 in the IMDB's bottom 100 films. Last bits of Trivia: This film was shot with a camera that could record only 30 seconds of film at a time, and no sound. That's why at times It's like a Japanese film where the lips don't move in synch with their words. Also, this film was also parodied in Scary Movie II.
The short "Hired!" Part II concludes the short "Hired!" from the previous experiment. Here the car dealer talks to a friend who tells him how to make his staff work smarter, not harder. Taking the advice, the car dealer gets his men to work smarter, and the sales go up.
In the hosting segments, Joel programs the bots to believe everything he does is brilliant. The Mads invent the chocolate bunny guillotine. Joel invents the cartooner, which combines cartoons to make them funnier. They parody the long, boring travel sequences at the beginning by having Joel drive the bots through the film. Gypsy plays a hick cop. Joel and the bots discuss what exaggerated features are the scariest, and say Torgo's big forelegs aren't scary. We also have Tom's driving monologue and Joel dressing up like the master to make Tom follow him. Tom tells Joel that he doesn't look evil, and even having Crow dressed as a hellbeast doesn't help. In the end, Frank has ordered pizza from a pizza place, but it's taken over 2 hours to deliver. Then Frank explains why. "Well, Togo's pizza was busy so I called Torgo's pizza." Sure enough, shortly after that Torgo enters, holding a large sausage with mushroom thin crust pizza. Mike Nelson is Torgo here. Torgo delivers the pizza, and they have a brief bout about the money. "LeT mE GeT yOu YoUr CoMpLeMeNtArY CrAzY BrEaD." Torgo says. The mads wisely stop him as Torgo reaches into his pants. Frank wonders where their pop is, and Torgo realizes that he left it out in the car. (It wouldn't be until experiment #508 Code Name: Diamond Head that he would deliver the incorrect pop.) The mads start to eat the pizza. "Hey this pizza's still warm." Frank notes. Realizing what has happened, they spit the pizza out. "ThEy AlWaYs Do ThAt!" Torgo laments as he leaves.
IMDB link - Manos, the Hands of Fate (Note the number here; must be a clue...)