Comedy Central – Episodes 301- 324:
301- Cave Dwellers (1984) color - RHINO
Originally titled Ator: The Blade Master. What is it about Italian films that make them stink so much? It stars Miles O'Keefe, steroid king of yesteryear. In this, the third installment of the Ator series, Ator fights a bunch of guys. There's also a blonde bimbo in skimpy clothing. Her function is, for the most part, to be eye candy to horny males. Lots of stereotypes here. Think the Beastmaster without animals and no talent. The opening credits are pixilated, too.
In the hosting segments, Joel asks the bots what they would rename themselves. Joel invents a smoking jacket, one that actually smokes. The mads do robotic arm wrestling. Next Joel and the bots parody the opening credits, with the same bad pixelation. Crow is Ator, Joel is the "John Saxon-type guy" and Tom is the really old dull guy. The credits listed here are pretty funny. Next Tom asks Joel why the various props have the fancy names. He tells them that it's fun. Later, Joel explains the art of the Foley man. He dares the bots to stump him on a sound, and he does Foley effects for all of them. In the end, Crow points out the mistakes in the film. Tire tracks in the background, Ator flying over a modern city, and a cave dweller wearing sunglasses.
IMDB link - Ator: The Blade Master
302 – Gamera (1965) black and white
Originally titled Daikaijû Gamera, Starring nobody important.The first KTMA experiment to crop up again, this Sandy Frank stinker hails from Japan. A crash in the artic frees a giant turtle that shoots fire. It also can fly this way. Frightened bad Japanese actors attack it, and a little boy named Kenny (I kept thinking "Oh my God – I wish they'd kill Kenny"throughout this) tries to convince them the giant turtle isn't bad after all. In the end, Gamera is shot into space. This stars nobody important. It also appears as experiment K05.
In the hosting segments, Joel and the bots work out. Tom wears a sweatband. He coaches Magic voice on how to say things. Crow gets Tom to lean back so that he can catch Tom, but then lets Tom fall. Joel invents a compressible salad. Frank invents a vacuum that sucks up a birdcage. Next Tom sings about Tibby while watching a small turtle rotating in a fishbowl. It's called "Tibby, oh Tibby"Crow comes in and joins him. Next Crow has a doll lying on the desk with voodoo pins stuck in it. Joel gives some advice about things here. There's also the MST3K info club address with the words "Kenny, What Gives?" next to them.
303 – Pod People (1980) color - RHINO
A film from early in Spain's film industry. Spain's film industry was almost nonexistent until 1975. Five years later, they had a way time to go. In a rural area, a spaceship lands. In it are eggs from an alien species. A bunch of hunters finds them, and takes two of them. One hatches, and then we meet the aliens known as Trumpy. One Trumpy is found by a boy named Tommy. Meanwhile, a Primo Don (the male version of a Prima Donna) singer tries to record a song with his band. They then travel out to the area where Trumpy is. There, their van breaks down and they have to call for help. They go to Tommy's house to call for help. Meanwhile, The two Trumpys develop separate personalities. The one Tommy raises is nice and friendly; the other is mean and kills people. Eventually, you'll be wishing the evil Trumpy will kill everyone in this film. There's also a scene where objects move crazily around Tommy's room, in one of the worst uses of stop-motion film I've ever seen.
In the hosting segments, Crow gives a speech, then Tom gives one as well. Joel invents a new guitar cord, and it blows up his guitar. The mads have a karoke machine with public domain songs in it. These are some pretty common songs. Joel and the bots parody the song in the film with a song called "Idiot Control." Watch Gypsy while this happens; she's noticeably late. They can't figure out what the chorus is. Down in Deep 13, they do the sound. Frank wears the "I'm a virgin" shirt like the one seen in the film. Later Joel sets up the wall of keyboards and has Crow help him make a song. Tom narrates the song. Next Joel and the bots parody the scene that abuses stop motion. The mads look on and are confused. At the end, Joel and the bots do a song called "Clowns in the Sky" written by Mike Nelson, who wrote most of the songs for MST3K. So what do the Mads say? The most famous line from the film, "IT STINKS!"
IMDB link - Los Nuevos Extratrerrestres
304 – Gamera vs. Baurgon (1966)
color
Originally titled Gamera tai Baurgon. This Japanese film explains how Gamera survived his launch into space (see Gamera, experiment #302.) Baurgon is a giant lizard that can shoot rainbow beams and freezing blasts. Baurgon was originally an egg that looked like an opal. Some guys find it, and try to take it back to Japan. Baurgon goes from being an egg to a giant lizard in a matter of minutes (never you mind this is physically impossible.) Baurgon goes on the obligatory monster rampage, destroying lots of model sets. It's up to Gamera to stop him. Initially Gamera fails, and then succeeds. There's also a woman from a primitive island culture. She was definitely chosen for her good looks and not her acting ability. Very bad dubbing and acting shoot this one down. Stars nobody important, and all the Gamera movies were imported by Sandy Frank, known for importing a lot of bad films into the USA. The movie also appears as experiment #K04.
In the hosting segments, Tom is working on a PC. He can't bring up Wordperfect in DOS. Tom says that he'd rather have his Mac than the PC. Crow plays tech support. Joel invents a dancing pop can to be a spokesmanfor the recycling industry. Down in deep 13, the mads have invented the cumber-bubble-bun. This is something that Joel already invented beforehand in #107 – Robot Monster. Next They do a commercial for a model set of the village in the film. They add quite a number of things, including a whole bunch of toy soldiers a toy sized Gamera, and the acetylene powered Godzilla from #103 – Mad Monster. Tom breathlessly talks about this while they show Crow and Joel playing with the set. After this, the bots are wearing masks and have a picnic in front of them. Joel plays waiter to them. The bots engage in feminine banter. Joel brings in the desert tray, which recreates horror disaster film scenes. Next Joel and the bots relax on the bridge. The bots are dressed up as beach bums. In the end, they talk about how bad Gamera was. They talk about a book Gamera wrote about his experiences with Japanese cinema. Joel puts an auto filter over his eyes and tells us that benefits of reading. Then they have Baurgon's book. Then there are more books. They have a book on tape read by Bridget Jones. Then there's a book on tape spoken by Baurgon. It's a bunch of grunts. They read a letter. Down in deep 13, Frank gives Dr. F the uncut version of Steven King's The Stand. It's incredibly thick and Dr. F falls over when he gets it.
IMDB link - Daikaijû kessan: Gamera tai Barugon
305 – Stranded in Space (1973) color
Originally titled The Stranger. It's another made-for TV movie. Since it has the name Film Ventures International (Master Ninja, Being from Another Planet, Space Travelers) on it, you can be sure it's pretty bad. After some boring credits. They show three guys in a spaceship, something akin to Space Travelers. They have something go horribly wrong. Next they show a guy in the hospital. He talks to the nurse and the hospital. He gripes about how he's not allowed to leave the room. The doctor tells the guy that one of his colleagues died in space. Next they show that everything is being monitored. It's something out of 1984. The guy escapes and then gets shot. Afterwards, the guy tries to call his bosses at NASA, but he finds that there's not a Cape Canaveral, or even a Florida. He's lost. Later at a meeting, they talk about him. It turns out the place he's in is a dystopian nightmare and those in charge consider him a threat. The main bad guy here looks like Jack Palance with helmet black hair. He has about as much emotional range as Kathy Ireland did in Alien from L.A. Next they show the hero bumming a ride from someone. He goes into an old bookstore where an old man talks to him. The old man tells him that there is a perfect order on the planet, and it has given them a Utopia. Then he lets him rest in his place. The old man then calls the authorities and tells them he has found the hero. He goes out to find a blonde woman there. He takes her aside and explains his situation to her. She tells him how the people in charge won't hurt him and are his friends. He convinces her to take him along for a ride. On a lonely road, she stops the car and runs away from him. They end up on a farm where an old man explains what happened to the astronaut. They find out he's on a parallel earth. The old man tells him he can help him get back to his world. Then two guys in suits find the woman and take her away. Then the old man helps the hero get to a secret rocket launch where he takes over the place of a guy heading into space. After that, the woman visits the old man and tells him what happened to her. Next they show the hero inside the secret base. Next the woman and the old man rush to the secret base. They intercut between this and the hero going off. Then when the old man and the woman catch up to the hero, she takes off her bandana to show she's had something done to her mind. Then the bad guys rush in. The place the hero escapes to is a boiler room reminiscent of Robot Holocaust. He's armed with a gun, and shoots. After a confusing sequence, the hero washes up on the shore. He's met by a guy.This film basically answers the question what life would be like in the USA if the communist Soviets had taken over. Something like 1984, only done very badly.
In the hosting segments, Joel turns Crow and Tom into shooting gallery targets. He hits the bulls-eye every shot. After the commercials, he turns the bots into the Apple Dumpling Gang. Joel invents the bang bazooka, which when shot, shows off an umbrella with the word ka-boom printed on it. The mads invent a gun that shoots sound effects. Frank gets a flag with the word slunk in the stomach. Joel has a knife with the same thing. The mads have nunchakus with the same thing. The Mads counter with an explosive detonator. Next Crow and Tom have an argument about their TV trading cards. Joel tries to mediate the dispute. Joel brings up a set of child stars in trouble. Tom tries to cook cookies while Crow relates a nightmare he had. Tom tries to comfort him. After that, Joel and the bots don early 1970's clothing like in the film and play mafia don and henchmen. Crow screws up his orders. In the end, Tom plays movie executive mogul. Magic voice is his secretary. Joel and Crow pitch the movie to Tom, who rejects it. The Mads dress like the bad guys in the film, and talk about who's going to take over for them when they retire.
Please note this copy is missing the stinger.
306 – Time of the Apes (1987) color
Originally titled Suro no Guiran. Supposedly originally designed in 30-minute segments for television, it was merged into a movie when no TV station in Japan would air it, and released. I can't say I blame the Japanese stations for rejecting this turkey. Basically a woman and two children get caught in suspended animation and are awakened a thousand years later, in an era when apes (that evolved from humans) rule the world. (Sound familiar?) They try to get back to their time with the help of the last man alive. There's also a young ape that helps them out. Another ape has a grudge against the human male because he thinks that the guy killed his wife and child. A UFO that keeps cropping up lands and shows the ape that he was responsible for the demise of his wife and child. Pretty bad acting and a contrived plot shoot this one down. Again, it stars nobody important, and was imported by Sandy Frank. By comparison, this turkey makes the remake of Planet of the Apes look like the original. It also appears as experiment #K17.
In the hosting segments, Joel turns to baseball, making Tom a batting practice stand and replacing Crow's Lacrosse mitt with a baseball glove. Gypsy enters and tells them no ball in the house. Joel invents the cellulite phone to help dieters. The mads invent Miracle Baby Growth formula. It turns an infant into an adult. Next Tom makes a small documentary from the film called Why Johnny Doesn't Care. the bots do a reenactment of the Scopes trial. The judge is a cardboard cut-out of Judge Wapner. It's pretty bad. Then Tom dresses in a suit and tie, as they parody a newscast. Crow is dressed is a fashion mogul where he critiques the horrible dress in the film. In the end, Joel and the bots do The Sandy Frank song. Joel dances like he's having an epileptic seizure. The mads stop this, then Joel reads a letter. The mads argue about who's going to change the baby vs. who will push the button. The baby ends up pushing the button.
#307 – Daddy-O (1959) black and white
W/ short: Alphabet Antics (1955) black and white
This film stars nobody important. It starts with a buxom blonde bimbo driving recklessly and a guy chasing her in a truck. They stop at a construction area and argue. Next we have 1950's diner where a band very does the air thing very badly. Then a guy comes on the stage with them and sings EXTREMELY bad. They mix his voice softly for obvious reasons. There's a bartender that looks like a drunken William Frawley. After that, they go racing cars and one of them gets into a major accident that sends his car flaming. One of them they call Daddy-o. He gets arrested. This film gets confusing as it drags on. There's also a nerdy guy with coke-bottle glasses. There's a William Conrad clone. In other words, this movie abounds with stereotypes. Daddy-o's jacket is as loud as a heavy metal concert. The last scene takes place in a wine cellar. I couldn't help but think they were ruining perfectly good wine then. Eventually the blonde and Daddy-O fall in love.
The short "Alphabet Antics" concerns itself with going through the alphabet showing pictures. Why they chose these particular pictures is beyond me. A is for Airplane, which houses livestock. B is for boat, where a bunch of Africans paddle. C is for cat, a cat in a wedding dress, or one in a robe and crown. D is for dancing, and it looks like a Hitler Youth dance. E is for elephant. This one's not too bad. F is for fun, and they show some kids playing in a playground. G is for giraffe. H is for Holland, and they show a bunch of people in traditional Dutch dress sweeping a street. One of them dumps water on the street. I is for Inn, and they show the White House. J is for jumping, and they show a horse jumping a fence. K is for kite, and the kites they show are about as interesting as watching grass grow. L is for large, and they show stock footage of a Macy's parade. M is for marching band, and they show stock footage of soldiers marching. N is for nursery rhymes (?). They show more of the Macy's thanksgiving parade. O is for one, and they show one bison pulling a plow. P is for pool, and they show two hippopotami jumping into a pool. Q is for queer, and they show pelicans. (Apparently, they couldn't get a quail to appear in this film.) R is for ribbons, and then they show kids merrily frolicking at a maypole. S is for squirrel, and they show 3 squirrels drinking milk. T is for trying terribly hard that bears have to do to get to bottles attached to a clothesline. U is for up, and they show US Army balloons going up. V is for vegetables, and they show kids dressed as vegetables. W is for walking, and they show 4 girls walking with a woman. X is for Xmas, and they show STILL MORE of the Macy's thanksgiving parade. Y is for young and you, and they show some kids fishing at a pond. Z for zebra, and they show footage of zebras. The narrator in this short is very annoying and obscenely cheerful. If that wasn't enough to turn you off, this short is 100% stock footage.
The hosting segments start off with Joel, Crow and tom by a water cooler, talking like they were at the office water cooler. Joel invents the air freshener mobile. The mads show the alien teething nook, a pacifier that looks like an alien. Joel tries to start a fashion trend by wearing his pants up to his chest. Frank one-ups him by wearing his pants around his head. They do a song here called Pants Up.Dr. F is not amused. Joel and the bots parody the race in the movie where they strike the pedestrian. Joel shows the bots how to spew water out of his mouth, and then they have a ship run into the SOL. It's the nerdy teen from the movie, played by Mike Nelson. Try as they might, Joel and the bots can't get rid of him. In the end, they parody the scene where Daddy-O slaps the apple out of the blone's hand. They read a letter. Then Joel kisses Gypsy. Then the mads parody the apple slapping scene. Then a kid comes and unpushes the button. Frank tries again. The credits start again, then it goes back to Deep 13. It seems the baby ruined the key, so Frank has to hold it down. Then they show Frank getting a pizza from Jerry the mole person. Dr. F, not amused, hits Frank's head on the keyboard. Then they try to fix the key board. This time, it sticks.
IMDB link – Alphabet Antics
#308 – Gamera vs. Gaos (1967) color
p class=MsoNormal>Originally titled Gamera tai Gaos. Starring nobody important. Gaos looks a lot like Baurgon with pterodactyl wings stuck on it. Gaos terrorizes Japan, and Gamera comes and saves the day. There's also an evil manager that wants his road through the mountains completed at any cost, even if giant monsters are prowling around. We have a hefty amount of bad special effects here. Like all other Gamera films, it was imported by Sandy Frank, noted for importing pretty bad films into the USA. It also appears as experiment #K06. It stars nobody important.In the hosting segments, The bots are playing the Lucy show. Everybody gets raspy voiced, including Magic Voice. After commercials, Gypsy does her impression. Down in Deep 13, invent a device that takes your thoughts and prints them out. Frank thinks of himself, and it prints out a picture of a clown's body. Dr. F does the same, and he ends up with the body of Miss Ohio. Joel invents a fax machine/ Kleenex dispenser. Joel gets a fax from Linus Pauling for the cure for the common cold on Kleenex paper, and promptly sneezes on it. Then down in Deep 13, Frank has an outline of Gamera and Dr. F has an outline of Gaos on it while Dr. F tells them what the experiment is that week. . Next Joel tries to make a copy of Gaos. The bots interrupt him. Joel tries to continue to make this arts and crafts project and the bots interrupt him and make snide comments. Joel gives Tom a time out. He drags Tom off screen, then does the same to Crow after Crow says the word for the day is booger. After that. Joel and the bots do an opera. Tom is the Gaos ex Machina. It's called the Gamera Dameron. After this, Tom tries to train his pet dog. Crow does an Ed Sullivan impersonation. Joel plays Gaos the Great, a plate spinner. He's not that good, and the plates are designed to be spun. It was hilariously bad. In the end, the bots complain about how the movie's ending was bad. They come up with some better ways to end the film. Frank has an envelope he's trying to send, Since he's busy licking it closed, Dr. F grabs the envelope and crumples it up.
IMDB link - Gamera tai Gyaosu.
#309 – The Amazing Colossal Man (1957) black and white.
Bert I. Gordon's second film to be MiSTed. There's a problem with a nuclear test. There's a plane that flies over the area, then crashes near the bomb site. Some army guy tries to go over to the plane, and the bomb explodes. His hair falls out and then he's mutated. His fiancée shows up, and she's hurting. A guy tries to comfort her. Meanwhile, the doctors try to save him. After a while, he becomes completely normal, except he's growing at an alarming rate. They have a pretty slow-paced and boringly narrated explanation of the explosion. They show some stock footage of nuclear tests. Afterwards, the fiancée of the guy finds out her future spouse has been moved. She goes to a secret military base to find him. She eventually finds him, and he's 18 feet tall. Two military types debrief her on the situation. It drags the film to s screeching halt. Next they show the now colossal man. He's got a normal-sized phone next to him, betraying the film's fakery. Next The Colossal man talks to his fiancée. Afterwards, they find out that his heart is growing at a slower rate than his body, and he'll die in a few days. Then the guys find a cure for his growing. Meanwhile, the colossal man escapes and goes to Las Vegas. He spies on a woman bathing. Moving along, he rampages through Las Vegas. In the end, the colossal man falls off of a dam and into a river.
In the hosting segments, Crow and Tom make a cardboard box into a hideout and refuse to come out. Kevin Murphy plays the plant man so they con show the Mad's invention. It allows you to take advantage of a plant's knowledge of music. Joel invents the temporary tattoo so that you can erase a tattoo. Joel tries to teach tact to the bots, but fails miserably. Joel goes into a small room, and acts like he's 50 feet tall. Joel and the bots muse about what they would say if they met the colossal man. Mike Nelson plays the colossal man when the SOL bumps into him.
IMDB link - The Amazing Colossal Man
310 – Fugitive Alien (1978 Japan,
1986 USA)
Another bad Japanese TV show merged into a film concerning an alien who accidentally shoots one of his comrades who was about to shoot a helpless mother and child. The aliens were invading Earth at the time. Thinking he's a traitor, the army of aliens turns on him. He then joins the earth forces, and tries to stop the invasion. Meanwhile, the sister of the alien who died wants revenge, but she's in love with the alien too. The aliens are Japanese actors in a very fake looking blonde wigs. Especially bad is the alien woman. It stars nobody important, and like the Gamera series, was imported by Sandy Frank. It also appears as experiment #K12. This version is better than the KTMA version.
In the hosting segments, Joel pretends to be a dairy farmer from southern Wisconsin. The bots are dressed like farm animals. Gypsy makes for a very weird looking cow. The mads invent the orbitalogical rhino dropper, which combines eye, nose, ear and throat drops at once. Frank nearly drowns testing it out. Joel invents a musical chair, a combination xylophone and chair. Then Jack Perkins (Mike Nelson) appears to introduce the film. Jack drones on quite a bit before they cut over to the SOL. Next the bots pull out some very silly looking hats and try them on. One looks like Frank's hair. He's not amused about this, and then the bots make fun of Dr. F. Jack Perkins comes in, and starts rambling. Dr. F strikes him with a stun gun. Next Joel dresses Crow and Tom as Ken and Rocky. They parody the film. After that, Crow and Tom say they're very confused about the film, and Joel explains that it's a bunch of TV episodes strung together. He also explains the film in a way to make it more convoluted. The Mads, then Jack Perkins get involved. In the end, Joel has a jumpsuit on that has various buttons that do various things on it. The mads try to give Jack Perkins the head of Vivian Vance.
#311- It Conquered the World (1956)
With short: Snow Thrills (19?? No copyright date!)
Peter Graves (The Beginning of the End, Parts: The Clonus Horror,) Beverly Garland (Swamp Diamonds, Gunslinger) and Lee Van Cleef (Master Ninja I & II) star in this disaster directed by Roger Corman (The Undead, Teenage Caveman, etc.) At a small town, something has made all the machines and electricity stop. Then something that looks like a bat attacks people in the woods. The wires holding the bat can easily be seen in several shots. Lee Van Cleef paves the way for these aliens to visit earth and take over. Peter and Beverly stop the invaders from Venus. Everyone acts incredibly stupid and badly. The final message looses a lot of its impact because of the contrived plotline before it.
"'They come from Venus, so they must be low to the ground.' I said 'Not that low!'" – Beverly Garland, taken from the MST3K scrapbook.
In the short, "Snow Thrills" shows a bunch of 1950's winter sports. Among them are ice yachting, speed skating, ice sledding, skiing, bobsledding figure skating and the like. The narrator is very annoying and the action isn't that real exciting. It shows the world's longest sled, which really isn't that exciting.
In the hosting segments, Joel uses Crow as a ventriloquist's dummy. It turns out pretty bad, and Crow stops it. The mads invent the do-it-yourself Halloween costume. Put a stiff rope around your neck, and dead guy. Joel invents a conch shell with headphones on it. The bots parody the short with Tom as the announcer. It ends with frozen pole tongue-touching. They then argue over a meal about how bad Joel's coffee is. They discuss Peter Graves being James Arness' brother. Crow harps on the movie Chu Chu and the Philly Flash, an obscure Adam Arkin and Carol Burnett film in a song. In the end, Joel, the bots, and the mads listen to the moral of the film over and over.
IMDB link – It Conquered the World
IMDB link - Snow Thrills
312 – Gamera vs Guiron (1968) color
Originally titled Gamera tai Daikaijû Guiron. Starring nobody important. Two kids get caught in a spacecraft and transported to another planet. Gamera goes to rescue them. The aliens, it turns out, are planning to invade the earth (probably using Zigra.) These aliens want o eat kids' brains. When we first see Guiron, he slices up Gaos (and another bad call: Gaos apparently didn't have any blood.) Gamera fights the alien's champ, Guiron, and then takes the kids back home to Earth. Guiron looks like (you guessed it) Baurgon with a slightly different head. Guiron also shoots shurikens from his head. How Gamera survives in the vacuum of space, let alone is able to propel himself with fire, is beyond me. A policeman added for comic relief isn't funny. Add to it a bratty girl that sees the kids getting abducted but isn't believed by her parents, and you get this stinker. Guiron is hilariously stuck on his blade to get defeated. It also appears as experiment #K08.
In the hosting segments, the bots are trading lunches. They have MST3K lunch boxes. Tom laments that his lunch is mostly health food. After the commercial break, Joel is there. Down in Deep 13, the mads invent Racy rhoarchat blots. Frank takes a look at one, and starts crying about his mother. Joel invents a collapsing trashcan. Next Joel and the bots sing the Gamera song. Joel does a dance reminiscent of Moon Zero Two. Next Joel tries to play magician and uses Tom as a knife to slice Crow in half. However, Crow was really taking a shower, and enters. Next they present a fictitious history of Richard Burton, saying that he's the boy that got his head shaved in the film. They do a scene from "Who's Afraid of Gamera?" This is a parody of "Who's Afraid of Virginia Wolfe?" In the end, they sing the Gamera song changing the chorus to "We don't need no Gamera." Down in Deep 13, Mike Nelson plays Michael Feinstein, and plays the piano. Michael tells a few stories and plays the piano. He then breaks down and cries. He then plays a lounge version of the Gamera theme that's hilarious. Dr. F decides to kill Michael Feinstein as the button is pushed.
IMDB link - Gamera tai Daikaijû Guiron
313 – Earth vs. the Spider (1958) black and white
W/ short: "Speech – Using Your Voice" (1950) black and white
Bert I. Gordon (King Dinosaur, The Beginning of the End, etc.) bombs yet again. There's a boring start of a guy driving down the road. Suddenly, he's attacked and crashes his car. Next we see his daughter walking with a young man. He gives her a small package. Then she leaves him, but he follows. They're walking to school. Then they have a boring lecture in physics. The daughter is there wit the guy, and they exchange notes. It's hard to read the notes. The teacher catches them. Next the guy and the girl drive down the street, and find a giant rope stretched across the road. They find her dad's truck, and the jewelry the dad was about to give the daughter. They then go down and find a cave that is marked do not enter. Inside, they find a skeleton. Then they fall into a giant spider web that is obviously a large net. Then the giant spider enters. Somehow they manage to escape and lead a bunch of people down to the same cave. The daughter then finds her dead father. Then a bunch of people stumble into the web, and get eaten by the spider. Later on, the daughter and the boyfriend go to a dance. But the place is locked. The janitor then comes in and opens the place up to find a giant spider there. Despite the apparent danger, THEY STILL HOLD THE DANCE. Spider wakes up and starts moving around. It then breaks out and rampages through the town. It destroys property and kills people. Then the daughter and her boyfriend go back to the cave where the spider was to look for something she lost. They find another cave going down. Later on, they have a normal sized spider at the police station. They then bring back a very dead and very plastic looking corpse to the police. Then a Walter Brennan clone interrupts things. Back in the cave, the daughter and her boyfriend find more dead bodies. Then the authorities go to seal the cave while the woman and her boyfriend are inside. It turns into a help the kids escape film after that. Eventually they have a large stun gun thing lowered to the kids, and they use it to electrocute the spider. Daughter and boyfriend leave the cave.
The short, Speech – Using Your Voice" concerns itself with how to use your voice to be an effective speaker. They use the professor who wrote the script to illustrate how to use your voice. His tie is louder than a siren. He forgets one of his primary rules: He's not very pleasing. He tells us all effective speakers are understood, heard, and pleasing. They have a pretty bad actor stammer and pause while delivering a speech. He's funny by himself. So are the other examples that follow. One guy talks only out of the side of his mouth. The professor tells us carelessness is the cause of these problems. Then they talk about how to correct these problems. It was produced by Centron (Cheating, What to Do about Juvenile Deliquency) so you know it's bad.
In the hosting segments, Crow and Tom go on a show called Inside the robot mind. The mads invent the cheeseophone, a telephone with cheese buttons. Joel then tells them he invented the same thing in 1978. Joel invents the CD-blowdryer. Crow writes a very bad play called Earth vs. Soup. Joel and Tom help him perform it, and it's stinks. Joel and the bots play a rock opera in spider costumes. They gave me "Attack of the Eye Creatures" flashbacks. Then a Romlan warbird with a model school on it bumps the SOL. Inside is a janitor played by Mike Nelson. Joel uses an old creepy crawlers set to show the bots how the spider was made. He talks about how unsafe the toy is. They do a report about Bert I. Gordon, characterizing him as a bad director. Crow does a report on Bert I. Gordon as well, that is pretty bad. Frank then throws up on the console.
IMDB link - Earth vs. the Spider
IMDB link - Speech: Using your voice
314 – Mighty Jack (1968) color
Originally titled Maitei Jiyaku. More Japanese offerings concerning a group of secret agents fighting a terrorist organization called Q. Q kidnaps an important person in Paris, named Mr. Atari, and Mighty Jack has to rescue him. This film tried to cash in on the James Bond mania of the late 1960's. Unlike the Albert Broccoli offerings, there are no good actors, much of the sexual overtones, or imagination-inspiring gadgets here. Among Mighty Jack's gadgets is an obviously model-sized submarine. Q invents ice that won't melt even under 800-degree heat. There are several repeated scenes of launching this sub that drag the film's pace to a grinding halt. Also has pretty slow pacing when it does move and lots of repeated footage. Starring nobody important, and imported by Sandy Frank. It also appears as experiment #K14.
In the hosting segments, Joel and the bots collapses as stagehands off stage throw silly string on them. There's a claxon on and it turns out to be fake. The mads invent the formal flippers, dress shoes on flippers. Dr. F models the women's shoes. Joel invents earmuffs that are shaped like ears. Next the bots have Mighty Jack dog food. Next the bots put Joel in a cylinder, and try to torture him somewhat akin to the film. Next Joel puts an aquarium in front of cambot to make people think that the SOL is underwater. Crow says that he's sold the rights to Earth vs. Soup and he's getting some money. Joel tries to drown dolls of Droopy and some others while saying cartoon characters should be resurrected. Next they sing the song "Slow the Plot Down" a parody of "Blow the Man Down." Joel asks the bots what they're favorite scene was. They can't think of any places. I can't say I blame the bots for forgetting this film. It's quite forgettable. In the end, Frank dons an accordian, a parrot and an eyepatch. He acts like a pirate much to Dr. F's chagrin.
In the hosting segments, we have a song quot;Slow the Plot Down" a parody of the sea shanty "Blow the Man Down".
#315 – Teenage Caveman (1958) black and white
W/ shorts: Aquatic Wizards (1955) black and white and Catching Trouble (1950) black and white.
The feature Teenage Caveman has the name Roger Corman on it, so you can be sure it stinks. After a retelling of the bible's version of creation, They have some boring credits. The Teenage Caveman sees plenty of stuff for his tribe on the other side of the river, but the tribe tells him he can't go there. The tribe tells him to stop questioning things. Then Teenage Caveman leads a party into the forbidden area. He sees a lizard and an alligator fight each other. Then one of the clan gets caught in quicksand, and skinks. The others abandon the Teenage Caveman and leave him. TC creates the bow and arrow to help feed himself. After a fight on returning to his tribe, he runs into a blonde woman that he entertains with a pan flute. Then a man on a horse enters. TC tries to stop his clan from killing him, but they don't listen him. Then he goes through the ritual of manhood. Next there's a love scene between TC and the blonde. It gets very boring very quickly. After that, they come to another guy in a costume. Eventually he's killed, and they find a book of history on him from the 1950's. It stars Frank De Kova, best known as the Native American chief in F Troop. There's plenty of cheesy special effects, and bad models. Some of the footage looks like it was lifted from King Dinosaur (Experiment #210.) Is it mere coincidence that both films turned out bad? You decide.
This one was served with two shorts. The first, "Aquatic Wizards" is a short film about life in Cypress Gardens. They show lots of water skiing. Skiing from both men and women. They show a class learning water skiing. Boring all around.
The second, "Catching Trouble" is a very politically incorrect film about a guy named Ross who catches animals in the Florida everglades for a living. He grabs two bear cubs, some snakes and the like. There's also an Emo Philips looking Native American that looks pretty bored throughout the short. The narrator is pretty annoying in both shorts. This one is also obscenely cheerful.
In the hosting segments, the SOL is over a lightning storm. Joel and the bots count the seconds between a flash and the rumble of thunder to see how far away a lightning strike is. They then try to teach Gypsy to play poker. Joel invents the rainy day ipecacs. These are things like Lucky Charms and Cherry Nyquil. Frank and Dr. F fight, and Frank pulls a knife on Dr. F. "Catching Trouble" becomes "Catching Ross" where Joel catches a doll dressed like Ross, and stuffs him in a bag with a rubber snake, then hits them both with a rubber mallet and stuffs them into a box. Dr. F and Frank continue to fight each other. They have various props like a pair of scissors, mallets and a cattle prod. In the end, Crow and Tom parody the old man in the radiation suit.
#316 – Gamera vs. Zigra (1971)color
Originally titled Gamera tai Jigra. Starring nobody important. They start with a bunch of cheap moonbase models getting toasted. Then they show some bratty kids with a couple of killer whale shots intercut here. Plenty of stock footage of the Japanese Seaworld. Zigra is Gaos without the wings, but shark fins stuck on it. Zigra is also an alien bent on conquering the world from beneath the waves. It swims around in the ocean off the coast of Japan, and hypnotizes some woman into leading the assault. We've still got two bratty kids, and more bad Japanese acting here. Gamera goes green and tries to fight pollution. A cranky hermit added for comedy relief isn't funny. I'm starting to sound like a broken record with this, but nobody important stars here. It also appears as experiment #K07.
In the hosting segments, Joel and the bots have a party. Tom is turned into a root beer keg. Unfortunately, they've run out root beer. Joel suggests they break the Gamera piñata. After they come back, they break the piñata. Dr. F admonishes Joel for partying on the SOL. The mads invent the 3 stooges gun. It's a gun that tries to poke one's eyes out, and a defensive hand. Joel turns Tom into a keg, and Crow now has shish kabobs instead of arms. He also has a model of this as well. Dr. F wants to tell them that they're going to have Gamera vs. Zigra, but Joel and the bots already know about this. Frank told them and then Dr. F hurts Frank. Next the bots create a model to explain how Gamera works. This is very convoluted and hilarious. In the end of this segment, Joel opens the second door to show Gamera's guts. Ick. Next Joel asks the bots to make a diarama of a scene from one of the Gamera films in a copier paper box. Tom does a scene from Gamera vs. Baurgon. Crow does a scene from Gamera vs. Gaos. Gypsy does one of three towers. Joel does one of Joel and the bots together on the SOL bridge. After this, they go back to the party and having Tom as the root beer keg. Then the two bratty kids from the movie (played by Mike Nelson and Bridget Jones) appear on the hexfield viewer and riding on Gamera. They use samples from the film as what these brats say. Crow notes that they're not exactly kids anymore. In the end, they do the Gamera theme song in various styles. Joel does a reggae version of the theme. Tom does a jazz/beatnik version of the theme. Crow does a rap version; this proves emphatically white people from Minnesota can't rap. Gypsy does an opera version of the theme. It's really bad. Then they do a barbershop quartet version of the theme. Down in deep 13, they do a heavy metal version of the theme. This includes Gerry and Sylvia of the mole people. Dr. F pushes the button by slamming his guitar on the control panel.
IMDB link - Gamera tai Shinkai kaijû Jigura
#317- Viking Women vs. the Sea Serpent (1958) Black and White
With Short: The Home Economics Story (1955) color
Originally titled The Saga of the Viking Women and the Voyage to the Waters of the Great Sea Serpent. Roger Corman directed this slagheap of a movie. A bunch of Viking women miss their lovers, and so set out in a ship to find them and rescue them. They manage to construct a ship (despite this being the middle ages. women were rarely allowed on ships at the time, much less taught how to build one; this is but the first of numerous historical inaccuracies.) There's a loser of a hero that stows away. Even though they're Vikings, they journey to water warm enough to have sharks in it. They then meet the great sea serpent; it's very cheesy looking. Their ship gets struck by lightning and they have to abandon it. Later on, they wash up on an island, and are captured by some warriors. Then the captors subject the women to a lot of degrading behavior, such as having to wait on them and get taken advantage by them. They get reunited with their men in a slave pit. After making an attempt to free themselves, these idiots try to torch the main hero and heroine. Rain stops this. The main villain looks like he's wearing a chicken costume's torso. Somehow these vapid heroes and heroines escape, and go back into the waters where the sea serpent awaits. How the serpent is killed is utterly unbelievable, nor is why it suddenly starts attacking the villain's boat. There's enough bleach in these actresses' hair to turn the Hawaiian black beaches white.
The Short, "The Home Economics Story" was originally titled "Why Study Home Economics?" It is about 4 women who major in different types of Home Economics studies at Iowa State College (later Iowa State University) in the 1950's-1960's. The film explains how things were done back then, and how they learned to be the homemakers of tomorrow. They talk about the four basic areas of home economics: cooking, dress design, home gadgets. Everyone is obscenely cheerful and stereotypical 1950's. Probably one of the better jobs done by Joel and the bots on a short, it's available on Rhino's shorts #1.
Out of the hosting segments, they concentrate on waffles. Joel goes waffle crazy, and the bots are not too happy about it. The mads invent the meat reanimator, which brings any meat back to life. Joel invents the waffle iron. It turns waffles into pancakes. Next Joel reprograms the bots to like waffles. They come up with new uses for waffles. Next Joel stands there and says "Waffles. Oh, we got movie sign!" That's it. Next Tom complains about having too many waffles. Crow dresses up as waffle man. He shows Tom how important waffles are. This is extremely unrealistic and poorly acted. In the end, they sing the waffle song, probably the only song where they print the lyrics on the screen. Dr. F says waffles are a mere vehicle for butter and syrup. Frank gets into the waffle mania, and then Dr. F shocks him as the screen turns off.
In order to make a good copy of this episode, I had to merge two different copies together, like I did Laserblast. Fortunately, the blip occurs between hosting segments. The second half was taken turkey day and has TD promos in it.
IMDB link – The Saga of the Viking Women and the Voyage to the Waters of the Great Sea Serpent
IMDB link – Why Study Home Economics?
#318- Star Force – Fugitive Alien II (1978 Japan, 1986 USA) color
More of the Fugitive Alien series from Japanese TV merged into a bad movie, and it's not any better than the first one. It also has the name Sandy Frank on it, so you can be assured it's bad. In the first half, the star force drifts a little too close to a star that is about to go nova. Only through the timely intervention of Ken do they not get killed. In the second half, they invade a planet. Standard bad acting follows. In a hosting segment, Joel and the bots sing, proving emphatically that Joel can't sing (and he did a good job with Sidehackers, too.) In the end, our hero Ken decides to return to his people and restart a new civilization. They can have him. It also appears as experiment K03, although no fan copy of K03 exists.
In the hosting segments, the bots argue the semantics about puppets. Joel quizzes them about various puppets. The mads invent the big nose. Joel invents the big head. (Neither invention is really worthwhile.) At one point, the film gets so bad that Tom's head blows up. Crow parodies William Shatner while Joel tries to revive Tom. They tout the Captain Joe doll, the doll that "swaggers, staggers and talks!" The bots do a medley of songs about Ken.
IMDB link - Star Force - Fugitive Alien II
#319: War of the Colossal Beast (1958) black and white
w/short: Mr. B Natural (1967) color
Glen the Colossal Man is back in this sequel to The Amazing Colossal Man. With the name Bert I. Gordon on it, you know it's going to stink. Here Glen was found to have survived the fall at the end of The Amazing Colossal Man. He's now got some pretty bad disfigurements here. They find him in Mexico and capture him. Glen's sister, a blonde bimbo tries to communicate with him. They hold him in a hangar at LAX, where they show him slides of his past. Glen escapes and meanders around Los Angles, going on the obligatory property-destroying rampage. Pretty bad and very forgettable.
The short, Mr. B natural was made in 1967, but it looks like it was made in the 1950's. For some unfathomable reason, a woman, Betty Luster, played Mr. B Natural. Presented by Conn instruments, the largest US manufacturer of musical instruments, this short is really awful. It concerns a boy named Buzz Turner (who also was in the original Mr. Wizard TV series)and how the spirit of music, personified by Mr. B natural visits him and convinces him he should try to play the trumpet. Pretty soon, Buzz is in the school band and popular, showing an affinity for the trumpet. Having been in a real school band, I can tell you the way Joel and the bots harp on the lack of reality in this short is infinitely more accurate. Mr. B is obscenely cheerful to the extreme. This short is arguably one of the best jobs ever done by Joel and the bots, right up there with "Junior Rodeo Daredevils."
In the hosting segments, Joel and the bots mix up prefixes, words and suffixes to make new Mexican foods. The mads invent the breakfast bazooka, to send breakfast to people. Joel invents the desert mortar. The bots have a debate about whether or not Mr. B Natural is a man or a woman. Joel plays with his big head again. Mike Nelson plays the colossal man again. He runs on about how he's not in the film (at that point.) Joel parodies the newscaster with future predictions. Mike Nelson as Glen the Colossal Man also reads a letter as well.
IMDB link – War of the Colossal Beast
320 – The Unearthly (1957) black and white
W/ shorts: "Posture Pals" (1952) black and white and "Appreciating Your Parents" (1950) black and white - RHINO
This one was served with two shorts. The first, "Posture Pals" talks about 4 kids who are trying to win a contest at their school in Burbank, California for having the best posture in their class. Everyone in this short is lily white, and the narrator is annoying. This is something that sadly most people don't do these days, except maybe sports stars or models.
The second short, "Appreciating Your Parents" talks about a young man who has his parents care for him. The narrator tells him about how he can clean after himself, take better care of his things, and that would make his life better.
John Carradine and Tor Johnson star in this disaster. Basically John is a mad scientist that has created a glad that will grant its owner immortality. There's a young woman he experiments on. There's a guy he experimented on that's catatonic. This is Tor's third role as the dim bulb lab assistant Lobo. There's also a criminal that finds out what's going on, and shows the young woman this. The woman's function is mainly to be eye candy to horny males and scream when frightened. In the end, the criminal turns out to be a policeman sent to investigate the place. He saves the woman, and Carridine is hauled off to jail.
In the hosting segments, the bots are trying to make a video for America's Funniest Home Videos. Crow gets blown up in the process. The mads invent the tough pills to swallow. One has a live gerbil in it. Another has a fishhook on it. A third is the life-sized Flintstone vitamin. Joel invents celebrity appliances. Things like the J.J, Walker, The Jackie Mason Jar, The Charlie Calas massager, and the Emilio Este-pez. Later Crow parodies the short with Tom narrating about how Gypsy works hard for him. Crow fights back, saying Tom's just as lazy. Next they do the many faces of Tor Johnson. They're all the same face. They also show him as a computer-altered pictures for various movie roles. It gets pretty silly, especially the last one. Next Crow and Tom create a board game based on the movie. The instructions are confusing. In the end, Joel and the bots talk in 1950's slang. They get Frank to do this as well.
IMDB link - Appreciating Your Parents
#321- Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964) Color
This is among the sacred trilogy of the most famous bad movies (The other two being Little Shop of Horrors and Plan 9 from Outer Space.) It's also the only one of the three that was sent to the SOL. Starring nobody important, this film concerns itself with St. Nick and a group of Martians. The Martians' kids watch on their television about Santa, and decide that they want to be in on Christmas too. The Martians are extremely fake looking and act even worse. Santa Claus is extremely silly and very unconvincing. The Martians kidnap a fake Santa Claus, and two kids to take back to Mars. There's also a very annoying news reporter as well. The Martians discover their mistake and try to kidnap the real Santa. At the North Pole there's a very fake looking robot that finds the kids after they try to escape. The Martians try to take Santa to Mars, but Santa and these two brats escape. (Have you noticed that most kids in these bad films are depicted as bratty? Why is that?) On mars they meet some Martian kids, and teach them the joys of Christmas. The Martians were stupid all around. It gets sillier as the movie progresses, especially when the Martian tries to impersonate Santa. Probably the silliest scene of all is when the Martians are finally defeated with the help of toys. Oh, and if that wasn't enough to turn you off, there's a kids chorus that can't sing as well.
In the hosting segments, Crow wears a Rudolph nose and Tom's head is turned into a snowglobe. Dr. F invents a machine that turns presents into rotten presents, called the wish squisher A car racing set is turned into socks. One can easily tell the packages have two tops on them, and Frank just flips the package over to reveal the hideous present. Joel and the bots invent toys for the island of misfit toys. Joel invents toaster dolls. Gypsy invents a Mr. Mashed potato head doll. They do a song called Patrick Swayze Christmas. Then they have essays about Christmas.
IMDB link – Santa Claus Conquers the Martians
#322- Master Ninja I (1984 TV, 1991 video) color
This was a short-lived series on NBC starring Lee Van Cleef, Timothy Van Patten (Dick's son) and this episode has Claude Aikens and Demi Moore. The only occidental ninja in the world has betrayed his sect, and travels to America. He has a daughter he's looking for. In the first episode the student, Max, finds the ninja destroying a bar. He nearly mows down Moore in his van, and then takes her in. They take refuge at an airport where Claude Aikens runs. A corrupt sheriff intervenes. Later on they visit a dance club where the daughter supposedly works. Then there's another ninja after Lee for betraying his sect. This is Sho Koshugi, ninja film master second only to Bruce Lee. I remember seeing this series on NBC when it first aired back in 1984, and I remembered how I thought Lee Van Cleef was surrounded by idiots. He still is in the series.
In the hosting segments, Crow makes a miniture sculpture. The mads invent flavored intravenous dinner. Joel invents pop-up books for classic literature. Crow shows off a conspiracy theory about how Dick Van Patten is putting a kid of his in every bad movie and TV show imaginable. Crow and Tom dress as ninjas, and reenact a ninja scene. Joel shows off his variations on nunchakus. They have thumbchucks, nunchucks, ground chucks, upchucks, Rumchucks, buttchucks, and Chuck Wolleries.
Please note in this copy, the color fades in and out, and then several tracking problems occur.
#323 – The Castle of Fu Manchu (1969) color
Originally titled Die Folterkammer des Dr. Fu Manchu. This German film stars Christopher Lee (Lord Bathurst in Shaka Zulu, The Man with the Golden Gun, Saruman in Lord of the Rings.) It starts with the castle, and Fu Manchu working on a computer. Some Asian women are with him. He explains his contrived plan. Things go wrong for an ocean liner, which plays Titanic. Then they show a bunch of Chinese people scrambling around. This is all before the opening credits, and it feels like an eternity. Then the credits feel like an eternity as well. After this, they show two guys in a field talking. Next they show a bunch of people talking. Fu Manchu interrupts all broadcasts and tells people his demands: Surrender the world to him or die. The men at the table watch. Next they show a woman on a boat in Turkey. Two people in fezes and suits are nearby. Next she goes to a man wearing a fez and smoking a hookah. She makes a proposal to him. One of the assistants to Fu Manchu looks like an Asian Marlo Thomas. This is Fu Manchu's daughter; she was definitely chosen for her good looks and not her acting ability. Next Fu Manchu's people take over some place, killing the guard there. They chase after a fat man in a robe, and corner him. Then Fu Manchu shows up, along with his daughter. The fat guy gets beheaded. Next Fu Manchu's ninjas and some other bad guys fight it out. Fu Manchu wins and takes over the place. Next they talk about Krakatoa. Next Fu Manchu tortures a professor. After that, a woman and a man talk. Then the guy calls someone else up. In an Arabic country where they wear fezes, (Turkey?) Fu Manchu goes around. Then they show a guy on his deathbed and two people standing over him. This scene flashes back and forth between too much light and not enough light. The people have some bad makeup on too. Then two guys dressed like British African explorers meet an inspector of this country. This inspector then visits an Arabic prayer leader, and kills him. Then Back with Fu Manchu, he tells two people that he needs a professor Ellington. Next they show Fu Manchu standing over the dying guy from earlier. Fu makes a boring speech after an operating room is revealed. Next they show Fu Manchu near a dam. It breaks. There are a bunch of workers below the damn that scramble to safety. Back with the British explorer dudes, they're on a boat with the inspector. The inspector tells him that he must leave them. Back with the white couple that was the guests of Fu Manchu, they're in a prison cell now. Jump again to the dying guy. Fu Manchu's daughter watches as another guy operates on the guy. The doctor draws a red line in paint across the guy's chest. He then operates on the guy. The operation drags the film's already slow pace down to a grinding halt. After it ends, they show a guy entering a gate. He easily knocks out a guard. They intercut this with a guy in a fez with blood on his face. He's dying, and mumbles something about Fu Manchu; you can't understand what he's saying, even with the volume turned up. Jump again to Fu Manchu with the couple. Jump again to see Fu Manchu talking to a guy wearing a fez. The guy with the fez has blood all over him. The fez guy tries to kill Fu Manchu, but had his throwing knife set to miss. Fu then decides to put the fez guy into a gigantic block of ice. Fu's daughter kills a dying guy by staring at him. Next we see a bunch of people wandering through a field of high grass with swords. Jump again back to Fu and his daughter. They have their henchmen take the couple away. He goes up to the dying man from earlier and checks on him. Jump again back to the British dressed dudes with the inspector. They hear Fu Manchu's ultimatum: surrender the world to him, or he'll destroy Istanbul. Back with Fu, he tells us he has a way to control everyone in the world. Next there's another poorly lit scene where everyone mumbles. After that, the couple that was the prisoner of Fu Manchu somehow manages to get out and send a message to the outside world. They cause the equipment to blow up and then smoke fills the place. Then they get inundated with water. Now we've got a lot of disjointed fighting. The castle is about to blow up. Fu just stands around while the place blows up. Then the prisoners of Fu Manchu are rescued. If you haven't guessed by now, this movie is extremely disjointed and skips around between too many subplots. Considering Christopher Lee is the best actor, that's not saying much. I think it's ironic to note that in experiment #405 – Being from Another Planet Tom says that the movie was the worst they'd ever seen. When Crow suggest other movies, Tom shouts "Worse!" until they get to this one. Then Tom backs down slightly. "All right, Castle of Fu Manchu was just as bad, I'll give you that." He says. I have to admit he's right –this movie was pretty painful to watch, even with the help of Joel and the bots.
In the hosting segments, Joel and the bots dress up like a marching band and sing a song about their sitution. Tom plays sax, Crow has a glockenschpiel, and Gypsy has a base drum. Joel twirls a baton. After that, they relax and talk about things. Down in Deep 13, they show that this movie comes with a biohazard rating on it. Joel invents a device that can fit in Tom's hand, but can communicate intercontinentally. Joel brings out the big head. The mads invent a bomb that turns people into Mama Joe Besser, a character actor from the 1950's. Next Crow says that Christopher Lee is miscast as an Asian when he is occidental. He writes a tear-jerking letter about this. Tom and Joel come out to give words of encouragement, but in the end break down and cry. Dr. F and Frank are pleased at this event. After that, we see Tom riding a magic carpet and wearing a fez. Then they show Crow and Joel with the same setup One can tell Joel's magic carpet and legs in front of him are fake. Tom breaks down and cries, saying this movie is really bad. The mads intervene, and send Joel and the bots back into the theater.Next Tom's still a whimpering idiot. Now Crow gets into the act as well. Joel does a history of Fu Manchu. This makes the bots really cry. In the end, Joel and the bots are so depressed they can't read the letter. Dr. F and Frank celebrate. Joel says that he's beaten, but not broken. The mads do their own riffing on a small part of the film. After a brief while, they can't take anymore. Dr. F puts Frank's head in a wood vise.
IMDB link - Die Folterkammer des Dr. Fu Manchu
#324- Master Ninja II (1984 TV, 1991 video) color
This is two more episodes of the 1984 bad NBC series. In the first one, Lee Van Cleef and Timothy Van Patten are at a racetrack where Crystal Bernard is one of the racers. Timothy's character looses to Crystal's character, and tries to pick her up. She works at a cannery that is trying to organize a union, much to the chagrin of the bosses there. The bosses try to stop the union from organizing, but thanks to the intervention of Lee Van Cleef and Timothy Van Patton, they fail. For some unfathomable reason, every time Timothy's character is seen in a public place, a fight ensues.
In the second episode, Timmy runs into another woman that looks like Brooke Shields with badly dyed blonde hair. She's of little consequence. However, they end up breaking into a place. They also run into George Lazenby (On Her Majesty's Secret Service) in the process. Once there, the master (Lee Van Cleef) confronts his archrival, played by Sho Kosugi (Marked for Death, another film that should have been MiSTed but wasn't.)
In the hosting segments, Joel and the bots do improvisation for Gypsy. The mads invent the conveyor belt food service. Unfortunately, the conveyor belt moves so fast you can't eat what parades in front of you. Joel invents the gerbil that creates his own food and litter. They have a hosting segment about Timmy's van. They decided to give it a new paint job. Crow parodies the opening scene of Patton with General Timothy Van Patten. Joel and Crow quiz Tom about what animals fit with what detective. They also have a Lee Van Cleef doll that's very portly, but becomes thin when you put the ninja costume on him.