| once upon a time there was a chia pet. but this chia pet was no regular chia pet, this chia pet was alive, his name was russel. in fact, russel was a very extraordinary chia pet. if you rubbed his head, he sings the song and dances for ya. but not always some times he'll break your middle finger, of course thats a real tragedy for those of us who use it often, (ahem) well, russel was a mostly nice chia pet but he was madly in love with victoria. victoria is the meanest witch there ever was. she was an ugly sonofa*icth too, but i digress. victoria had magical powers over russel. magical powers that no one could explain., no philosopher on this earth could explain how vixtoria made a potion strong enough to make rusell fall in love with her. like we said, she's an ugly sonofa*itch. come to thnk of it, no philosopher on this earth would beleive it. looks like we gotta call yellow space cab to come pick us up to find out whats going on here. so the mystified citizens (us) call the yellow space cab company. "yeah, whaddaya want?" a cranky male crackles over the lne. "yes," spinilli says "we need a cab to pick us up, we have a mystery to solve." the man sighed "is this about the witch victoria?" "yeeeah..." "call ricki lake! we dont solve that!" the line is disconnected. "i dont like riki lake" whines spinilli. "tough crap" cadence frowns, "do you wanna know or not?" "ya ya ya...ill dial and talk, but you have to say hi first, im too shy" "pssh, you? shy? riiight. maybe when hell freezes over!" scene cuts to hell; satan is staring out into an ice covered wasteland. "eh, fire and brimstone were overrated anyway. whos up for a game of hockey? c'omon hitler, you're on my team!" enter victoria. "victoria!" exclaims satan, "long time no see! what brings you down?" "im looking for a summer home for myself and my husband-to-be." "whos the unlucky guy?" questions satan, "i mean lucky, i said lucky!" he quickly corrects himself as victoria grows 10x her normal size. "hes a nice little potted plant up on the surface" she replies cooly. "well, hell is a wonderful place to start a family." hither interjects. satan offers, "there are some lovely shacks near the tree of dreams." "i just hope he wont get in the way of us adolf sweetie" she moans. "NEVER!" adolf says. what happens next is too disturbing even for hell. so disturbing we probably shouldnt mention it. "take it away cadence..." spinilli said, throwing the phone to cadence back on earth. "hello? ricki? we've got a stroy for you!" an hour later, after much explanation, ricki refused to help. cadence and spinilli were at a loss. "oOo!" exclaimed spinilli, "lets do a show on public access!" "with the satanists?" inquires cadence. "we gotta do what we gotta do." spinilli calls the station and reserves the half hour before the satanists. "what are we going to put on our show?" asks spinilli. "russel and victoria. we'll expose her for who she is and what she is doing!" "didja ever think how to get russel there?" spinilli smirks. "hes a potted plant! its not too hard! and victoria will come because i am devious!" (lightning strike and thunder clap) cadence smiles. spinilli turns around. "kay, someones a couple fries short of a happy mean," she mutters under her breath. "hehe" cadence giggles. under the dark of night the girls bag russel and whisk him off to the tv station. "i hafta potty!" spinilli exclaims upon arrival. "i kinda do too." cadence says shifting her weight. they cover russels eyes and try to open the public bathroom door. it wont budge, almost like someone was pulling on the other side. spinilli lets go, and a female (or presumably so) satanist fliesout. "go to hell!" the woman snarls. an instant later, russel, spinilli, and cadence actually tumble into hell. "AHHHHHHHHHH!!!" our heros scream, russel however, being a potted plant says nothing when they landed, they land in front of satan himself who was busy using his fire breath to zamboni the ice. cadence sits up first. "i swear to god, i buy some ice skates and when i get a chance to use them..." spinilli brushes herself off and extends a hand to satan. "hey, hows it going? we were sent by your minions." "which one?" satan asks. cadence speaks up, "the ones on public acess." "oh" replies satan. "those arent my kids. i dont know whats wrong with their heads." "they seem to love you" states spinilli matter-of-factly. victoria detangles herself from hitler and comes to her fiance's rescue. "oh russel! hunny, are you ok?" se exclaims, showering russel with affection. "what were you doing with hitler?!" russel accuses. "hes my brother!" victoria lies convincingly. "this IS the deep south!" cadence in innocent astonishment. satan and spinilli decide its better to ignore her at this point.victoria and russel are quite involved in their argument. "wanna play hockey until their fight gets good enough for jerry springer?" satan asks holding out a hockey stick. spinilli smiles, "bring it on, devil boy!" as the argument heats up spinilli acheives the hard..."hat trick! wow! you're pretty good" exclaims satan, "you play alot?" "nope, first time" satan pulls out his palm pilot. "note to self: buy soul of hockey player." "hey satan!" cadence shouts |