WARNING: To reiterate, most of this story
will center on the subject of child abuse and Tony’s past. This will start in this chapter and continue
through the end of the story. There is
enough buildup to when the abuse is going to happen if you want to turn back…
Chapter
2 – Removing Rose-Colored Glasses
KATE: You were a boy scout?
TONY: Cub.
KATE: What'd they kick you out for?
TONY:
Trying to score Brownie points.
~ 1x18 – UnSEALed
“I think that was the turning point, you know? Something just snapped in her and nothing could ever be the same. She wasn’t the same as my father – she didn’t care that Vinnie had skipped out on college to enlist – she was the one that took him down to the recruiter’s office the day he signed up. I think she blamed herself for that. But Vinnie never could have done anything wrong, not in her eyes, and…”
“And not in yours either?” Gibbs knew hero-worship when he saw it reflected in Tony’s eyes.
He just shook his head. “Not before he died, no. I thought he could walk on water, make all bullies cower in fear, you name it. But I think I started to blame him after he died. If he had been a better son to our father, if he had only listened and gone to college. I thought about that a lot after my father disowned me. If Vinnie had gone to college, he would have just been graduating about that time, and I think it hit me really hard when I did the math. I still wanted to follow in his footsteps, and I blamed him for that too. It was easy; he wasn’t there, so that must be the reason that everything was wrong. They never wanted me in the first place, so without Vinnie there, it was just…I reminded her of what was lost.”
Gibbs refilled the mug with coffee from the thermos he had brought down with the blanket when Tony had lapsed into silence some time ago. He pressed the warm ceramic into his second’s hands and glared at the pout. He wasn’t about to spend the remainder of the evening in the ER with an alcohol-poisoned Tony.
“People tend to wonder what choice they would make if someone made them choose between the life of their child or their spouse.”
The non sequitur clenched unexpectedly at the older man’s heart as he wondered about what his own choice would be. Suicide being out of the question, he wasn’t sure he could actually have made the choice between Shannon and Kelly and lived with himself afterwards. He was lost in his own thoughts and almost missed the line that wove Tony’s previous statement back into the theme of the night.
“I never had to wonder with my father. He would have chosen her over me in a second; never would have needed to think or second-guess himself. With Vinnie it would have been harder, but I think he still would have chosen her. After all, he was stuck with us, but he decided to fall in love with her. And that made all the difference in the world.”
The self-defeat in Tony’s voice had Gibbs making silent vows of what he would do if he ever met the elder DiNozzo in a dark alleyway.
“You never know what someone will do until they’re in that situation, Tony. Even if your father told you that, you can’t…”
“He didn’t just tell me, Gibbs. He showed me. Every damned day.”
~*~
“I, Tony, promise to do my best. To do my duty to God and my country. To help other people and to obey the Law of the Pack.”
The crisp blue uniform shirt and dark and light blue neckerchief accentuated Tony’s youthful face as the eight-year old recited his Cub Scout oath. He looked around at the faces in the crowd, hoping that his father’s promise to show up for his completion of the Bear Cub badge would not be broken. Ever since Vinnie had died, Tony had worked harder to complete the requirements and make his father proud. Vinnie would want that.
The Scout’s Own ceremony wrapped up a little while later and Tony watched as his pack mates made their way home with their parents. He sat patiently with his hands on his lap as the den mother cleaned up the crafts they had been working on before the ceremony and smiled gently at the cookie that was waved in his direction. It wasn’t the first weekly meeting that had ended with her making a phone call to the DiNozzo household in the past few months.
Tony took the offered sweet and held it in his fingertips as his arm fell back down to rest on his knee. He attempted a smile and a soft “thank you, ma’am” before letting his gaze drop back down to where his sneakers were scuffing at the ground under his chair. He wasn’t sure why he was so upset. After all, his father was a busy man and something important must have come up at work. It wasn’t like Tony’s Cub Scout meeting was anywhere near as important as being the CEO of…whatever it was that his father really did. He was sure there was a good reason.
“It’s not poisoned, Tony. I promise I don’t cook kids in my oven.” She watched Tony’s soft smile at the Hansel and Gretel reference before he began nibbling at the edge of the sweet. His eyes sought out hers and the den mother hoped that she never saw that same look haunting her own son’s eyes. Wishing that he hadn’t been whisked off to practice immediately after the meeting, she pointed to the piano in the corner.
“Would you like to play a little? Show me what you’ve learned this week?”
Tony thought for a moment before nodding and settling himself onto the bench. He had to kneel on the seat and sit on his heels, but at eight years old such things held little importance. His fingers carefully ghosted over the keys as he plucked out the beginning notes to his favorite Wizard of Oz piece and laughed quietly as he imagined Vinnie’s voice cracking at “why then oh why can’t I” – he cut off the high note abruptly.
Noting the changes that had come over the boy as he was playing and then when he stopped, his den mother had never been so happy to see one of the DiNozzo’s staff clapping at the door.
“Come on, then, Tony. Let’s get you home. We’ll stop for ice cream on the way, how’s that?” Marie laid an arm across the boy’s slight shoulders as he hopped down from the bench and offered a quiet “thank you” for watching him.
“Why didn’t Father come, Marie?” The soft question was asked as the door shut. It was the last time she saw Tony at one of the Scout meetings.
~*~
Tony stood at his father’s desk and waited for the man to acknowledge his presence. He knew it was required of him to stand perfectly still and not draw attention to himself until the man in front of him allowed it, but Tony was still only eight. His attention tended to wander quickly and the restless energy that would follow him into his adult life had been clearly present for some time. Vinnie had once complained that Tony wasn’t still even when he was sleeping. He had been waiting for at least ten minutes according to the big grandfather clock behind his father, and he began quietly bouncing up onto his toes unconsciously. He licked his lips and fiddled with his hands, wondering if his father had heard the man at the door announce his presence. When he sniffled twice to try and gauge a reaction, he got more of one than he hoped for.
His father slammed the file down onto the desk and threw himself to his feet. “For God’s sake, Anthony. Can’t you be quieter? Your brother would have done better.”
Tony bowed his head and scuffled his feet at the mention of his big brother. “Sorry, sir.”
“Damn right you’re sorry. Pour me my drink.”
“Yes, sir.” Tony pulled out the bottle and ice and only returned to his father’s side when he thought he had it right.
“Well?”
“My Cub Scout meeting was today and…”
“About school. What are they teaching you at school?”
“Oh.” Tony prattled on about his classes and how it was show and tell tomorrow. How it was his turn to bring in something special to him and how he thought that maybe he would be able to bring in the medal they had awarded to his brother. At his father’s dismissing wave, Tony knew he as good as had permission. He turned to leave but couldn’t help asking.
“Why didn’t you come today? You promised.”
“Come to what?”
“My Cub Scout meeting. I’m a Bear Cub now. I finished all my requirements and I got my new bandana and my badge and everything. But you didn’t come.”
“Your mother and I went to a movie this afternoon. Some silly piece of fabric and a patch doesn’t make you anything in the world, Anthony. It’s time you stopped with that.”
“Stopped, sir?”
“You won’t be going to those silly meetings anymore. You will have a tutor every day after school to improve your grades and won’t have time for pointless craft projects.”
Tony looked up at his father. “But I like the Cub Scouts. All my friends are there and…” he stopped abruptly as the back of his father’s hand connected with his cheek. His mouth dropped open with a cry and he clutched the eye as he screwed them both shut to avoid the tears. His father had never hit him before and he didn’t know what to think.
“Those friends,” the word was said with as much distain as Tony had ever heard, “of yours are no good and worthless, like you. I will not permit anyone with my last name to associate with people of that class. Do I make myself clear?”
Still clutching at his throbbing cheekbone, Tony could do little more than nod as he tried to settle himself down.
“I didn’t hear you, Anthony.”
“Yes, sir.” The whisper was loud enough to placate the man still sitting comfortably next to him in the office chair, and he dismissed the boy without another thought.
~*~
“What happened, Tony?” Marie caught the sobbing child as he threw himself into her arms and buried his face in her neck. She could feel the hot sticky skin of his cheeks pressed against hers and held him tightly to her chest to ride out the tears. It wasn’t the first time he had come to her, and she speculated that he had been thinking of his brother again.
“I was bad.” The mumbled response was lost into the collar of her shirt and she had to pry the boy away from her to hear more clearly.
Her gasp frightened Tony as she took in the sight of his already puffy eye. “I was bad, but I don’t know how.”
Marie simply picked Tony up and brought him down to the kitchen for some ice. “Who did this to you, Tony?”
“I didn’t think I did anything wrong. I reported like I’m supposed to, I poured his drink like he told me to. I didn’t break anything or yell or rip my pants or anything.”
Marie had kept her own counsel at how the boy was treated before this, but connecting the rapidly forming bruise to Tony’s daily meeting with his father nearly pushed her over the edge. If it weren’t for fear of losing the only income that supported her and her nineteen-year old daughter, she would have marched into the elder DiNozzo’s study and given him a piece of her mind. Grief may be an acceptable excuse for some things, but not for this.
~*~
Tony took in the red eyes of his mother and the slight tremble of her hands and almost didn’t recognize the woman in front of him. Never an overly demonstrative woman with her youngest son, the matriarch of the DiNozzo clan now held a lace handkerchief to her nose as he bounded excitedly into the room. The mark under his eye did little to slow him down as he was sure it must have been an accident; his father would never hit him.
“Hello, Mother. How are you this afternoon? Would you like me to play something for you? My teacher says that I’m doing better with my scales and she is going to teach me a new song next week. I can play the Wizard of Oz music for you. Or I can play…”
“Oh for Heaven’s sake, child. Go bother someone else, won’t you? Leave me alone.” The tone was harsh and nowhere near what he had once heard coming from her. If Tony were older, he may have picked up the telltale slur of her words.
“If you don’t want me to play, maybe I could read you one of my books. I have a new Hardy Boys mystery. Would you like…”
He was cut off once again. “What I’d like is not to have to look at you, you little wretch. Get out of my sight.”
“Mother?”
“GO!” She threw the glass in her hand at him and was only mildly upset when the liquor splashed onto his pant legs as the glass shattered at his feet. Now she would have to pour herself a new drink.
Tony had jumped back as the tumbler came flying at him and stood transfixed as the glass pieces settled on the ground where he’d been standing seconds before. Thankfully, his mother’s attention had been drawn away from him by the allure of more alcohol, but the shout and breaking glass had brought his father running.
Tony was shoved unceremoniously out of the way and to the ground as the couple embraced and Tony’s father stroked the woman’s hair.
“What’s wrong, Dear?”
The shaky finger that pointed out at him frightened Tony more than he thought it would, and he was unsure of what to make of the new situation.
“What did he do to you?”
Tony had never been afraid of his parents before and wondered why he should be so now. Instinct took over and he turned to withdraw to the safety of under his brother’s bunk bed when his father’s words stopped his retreat.
“Wait for me in my office, Anthony.” The words were cold and dark.
~*~
The boy in question hadn’t been back in that room since being struck two days previous, and wasn’t looking forward to entering now. He stood outside the door as he screwed up the courage to turn the doorknob.
“What are you doing, Tony?” Marie had been vacuuming in the adjoining wing when she noticed the boy’s reflection in the mirror. He seemed to be playing some kind of make-believe game that required him to fiddle with the door. Not wanting the boy to antagonize her employer, she tried to shoo him away to safer quarters for his already rampant imagination to further flourish.
“Father told me to wait for him in here. Mother spilled her drink when she dropped her glass and I think he thinks it’s my fault.” Tony absently fingered the still tender cheekbone.
Marie noticed the dark stains on Tony’s clothing and the small shards of glass tucked into the rolled cuffs of his too-long play pants.
“I’m sure it will be fine, Tony. Come on, in you go.” She turned the door handle for him and ushered him in. With a sigh of regret, she closed the door on the back of the boy standing rigid at attention like his brother had taught him. Surely the last incident had been a mistake, right?
As she turned to return to her vacuuming, Marie saw the head of household headed towards his office with his chief of security in tow.
“Is Anthony waiting for me in my office, Marie?” The maid was surprised at the tone, but responded with a quiet affirmative.
“Good. My wife had a bit of an accident in the piano room. See that it is taken care of immediately while we deal with Anthony. And make sure after we are done that he is dressed for the dinner party tonight however my wife wishes.”
“Yes, sir.”
~*~
Tony heard the hushed voices outside the door and set his shoulders back even more tightly. He knew that dinner parties meant he would be dressed as a sailor and then berated by his mother for looking so much like Vinnie had. He hoped that it was a larger occasion so he could get lost in the attentions of the crowd for the evening.
As Marie was dismissed, he heard the conversation turn to him. The sound of the guard’s voice scared Tony as he had never liked the man. Just being near him made his stomach hurt like nothing else could.
“You discipline your own son, don’t you?”
“I keep him in line with a firm hand, sir. Yes.”
“Anthony needs to be taught a lesson and I feel as though you could do a much better job than I have. I have been too easy on him and Vincent in the past, and we saw how well that turned out. I could use your help learning how to better keep Anthony in line. I will not have him disappoint me any more than Vincent did.”
“Yes, sir.”
The door opened as Tony’s father explained his own version of what had happened in the piano room. The boy couldn’t suppress the shudder that raced through him; he didn’t know what was coming next.
“Anthony, do you know why we are here?” The chief’s voice was rough and hurt the boy’s ears.
“No, sir.” His mother and brother always told him to answer honestly. “Mother threw her glass and it broke.”
The fact that the two men were still standing behind him made Tony sweat.
“You’re blaming your mother for what you did?” Tony’s father’s voice was calm yet dangerous.
“I didn’t throw the glass, sir.”
The vice-grip that grasped his arm and turned him startled Tony and made him cry out. The icy eyes of the guard intensified the feeling in his stomach. Something was wrong and it wasn’t going to turn out well for him.
“The first thing you need to be taught, boy, is accountability. It’s not your mother’s fault that you were being a nuisance. Now take off your shirt and climb up into that chair. Put your face into the back and your hands on your knees.”
Tony shivered and looked at his father. He didn’t understand what this was supposed to accomplish. His father’s cold stare did nothing to alleviate his newfound fears.
“Do what the man says, Anthony. You’re in enough trouble already.”
“Yes, sir.” The
short-sleeved
Tony climbed up to kneel on the plush chair with his forehead resting on the back. He couldn’t see what was happening, but heard the rush of leather against fabric. Curiosity got the better of him and he turned to look.
“Did I tell you to move, boy?”
“No, sir,” the breathless whisper was accompanied by the turning of his head back to the required position, but he had seen the object in the guard’s hand and was both fearful and confused.
“The boy is eight now, so I think eight to start will be a good lesson. Do you agree, sir?”
“Whatever you think will do the trick.”
“Would you like me to administer all of them, or would you like to leave your own impression for this lesson?”
Something tugged at the man’s conscience as he could still feel the skin of Tony’s cheek against his knuckles. “I think I’ll leave this lesson to you for now.”
“Very good, sir.”
The whistle of leather cutting through still air was the only warning Tony had before a sharp burning pain lanced across his back. Tony scrambled to get out of the chair as he yelped. Before he knew what he was trying to do, the frightened child was racing away from the overturned chair towards the door.
Tony had made it three steps before his father’s crushing grip caught his upper arm and tossed him back to the ground by the arm of the chair. “You are not yet dismissed, boy.”
Shocked eyes met his father’s dull ones and his breath caught in his throat. Before he could work through his head that his father approved of this, before he could remind himself that he needed to breathe, he had been dragged back to his feet and made to climb back into the chair.
The next two blows brought tears and sobs wrenching from his lips as the boy struggled to keep still. But when the fourth stroke cut across already tender flesh, Tony couldn’t help the screech.
“Daddy!”
His hair was grabbed roughly and his head jerked back as his father’s face loomed over his own. “You don’t get to call me that. I’ve told you that before. I never wanted you in the first place; neither did your mother. You were a mistake, you understand me? Vincent was supposed to…I was his Daddy. Not yours. You only live under this roof because it would look worse if we got rid of you and now I need someone to take over when I retire. Never. Call me. Daddy.”
He let go of Tony’s hair. “Let me have the belt.”
The boy would never be sure if the last four blows hurt worse because they were delivered by his father’s own hand or because his back was already bruised.
Tony was finally allowed to stand up and was handed his shirt. “Put it on and then get out of my sight. I don’t want to see you again until dinner. And don’t let me hear you were bothering your mother again, understood Anthony?”
“Yes, sir.” Tony lowered his eyes to the ground and walked slowly to the door. But once it had shut firmly behind him, the small child sprinted for the safety of his brother’s bedroom.
~~**~~