Title:  I Have to Save You

Author:  Ice Cube

Rating: K

Spoilers:  For Supernatural…for Faith and Scarecrow, but not really anything more than the previews have shown…and kinda for some of my other stories, which <SHAMELESS PLUG> you should read…

Disclaimer:  Right, if I owned them anywhere outside of my dreams, the characters that are forthwith mentioned in this story would be making me a lot of money and very happy…so no, they aren’t mine, and I’m a broke college student who has no money, so if you’re going to sue, feel free, you won’t get anything.

Characters: Sam, Dean

Archives:  Feel free; just let me know where so I can find it again.

Summary: Why did Sam want Dean to leave him behind?  What did he see?  Definitely going to be AU once Scarecrow shows, but hey…ONESHOT

Warnings:  To those who think that I am capable of writing a fic that is torture free…I can’t, and thus, if you don’t want to see h/c, various possible tortures, and other forms of angst, find another story.  Also, to those of you looking for slash, when I mean friendship and brotherhood, I take that in the trust you with my life and have no problem telling you about my current crush who is of the opposite sex way. In other words, if you’re looking for slash, you won’t find it here.

I don’t have my stories beta’d, I’m too impatient to wait for someone to proof it after I’ve written it, so I apologize for any mistakes, and if you email me to tell me that they’re there, I’ll fix them later.  Reviews are always a plus, it’s great to know that people are reading my stories and like them, but as I’m a horrible reviewer, I won’t hold my breath for them. Flames, however, will be treated with the utmost respect they deserve…they will be ignored completely or poked fun at with friends.

 

That said, on with the tale…

**~**

Dean had been protecting him all his life.  It didn’t matter what the situation, didn’t matter           how dangerous it was going to be for him, only that he needed to keep Sam safe, no matter the cost.  At almost twenty-three years, the younger brother was used to the roles that had been laid out for them, and almost took comfort in them.  That was, until every time Dean got hurt because of his role.  There had been broken bones and bruises and sometimes worse, and every time it happened, Sam promised himself that one day he would find a way to repay his brother.  He had tried to do it once when he had left the family behind, and now, after that last nightmare, he had to try to do it again.

But Sam was never good in the protector’s role, having to do things in extremes in order to assure himself that they would work.  Even if, four years down the road his brother had come dragging him back, shattering Sam’s pretense that he would be safe away from him.  He had to try.  He just needed some way to convince Dean that he was leaving for reasons other than the older Winchester’s safety.  The phone call had provided that.  Now all Sam needed was the courage to actually abandon his brother again.  And a way to execute it, of course.

The dream reoccurring again that night gave him the courage.  The images were fleeting, and didn’t really weave a whole story yet, but Sam was intent on getting away from the man before it could happen.

A bright light, almost as though they were in the middle of a lightning storm.

Dean, Sam, and some girl running through a cornfield.

A shotgun pointed out away from Dean with shaking hands.

A hospital room.

Curtains pulled to give other patients some privacy.

A monitor expected to reassure people of life…or of death.

A sea-green hospital gown.

His brother.

“I’m gonna die.  And you can’t stop it.”

Sam woke with a start every time his nightmares let Dean speak.  He could feel the tension in that instant, could see the fear hidden in Dean’s overly expressive eyes.  He knew that his older brother was trying to protect him again.  But he also knew that the man was wrong.  If there was nothing else he could do, he could run away.  If he ran away, then the intense feeling he had that Dean was going to die because he had been protecting his baby brother would go away.  Dean wouldn’t be able to protect Sam if they were a country apart.  He wouldn’t be able to put his life on the line and lose it because his little brother was a curse on the Winchester family.

The older brother had done his best to reassure the younger one that he was not cursed, that what had happened in their lifetimes was not his fault.  But the truth of the matter was, his mother and Jessica had both died near Sam, and where he could now understand some of his father’s grief, he would do everything in his power to keep it from intensifying.  Dean was their father’s favorite, of that much Sam was sure.  He was also sure that no matter how much resentment and uncertainty choked their relationship, he and his father loved each other.  They had to; each was the other’s only link besides Dean to Mary Winchester.  He tried to squash that love for the man into the deepest corners of his heart every time the man hurt Dean and let him down by not showing his face, but regardless, he would not be cause for the man to hurt further.

And John would most definitely hurt further if his oldest son were to die before him.  Far more than if Sam were to get hurt; and far, far more than if Sam were to run away from Dean and hopefully keep them all safe.  John couldn’t stand to lose his ‘good little soldier’, and if Sam could return to normal, then the man hopefully wouldn’t lose either of his sons.

So Sam steeled his resolve and waited for the perfect time.  His father’s phone call so soon after the asylum incident gave Sam cover; the man wanted them to head off on another job and stop trying to find him.  Sam needed to find the man and hopefully get some answers for Jessica’s death.  He had voluntarily fallen back into this lifestyle to find his girlfriend’s killer; the engagement ring hidden in his back pocket always a reminder of that quest.  Even if he found himself more at ease with this life as being back with his brother settled his very being back into the role he had been groomed for, he still needed to avenge Jessica.  And his brother would never go for it. 

To Dean, there were two certainties in life…besides death of course, taxes being non-existent when you didn’t really exist…that he was always supposed to protect his younger brother, and that following Dad’s orders would keep them safe and out of harm’s way.  Sam had never really agreed with either of those, but he couldn’t…wouldn’t…change who his brother was.  And so, fully knowing that what he was going to do would tear at his brother’s already wounded heart, and solidify the abandonment issues that the man hid deeply, Sam packed his bags with the intent of never seeing the Impala again.  The only thing that kept his own heart from breaking at the thought of what he was going to do was probably going to drive an insurmountable wedge between his brother and himself, was that Dean would be safe.  And that was all that mattered.

So he packed his pockets with rock-salt shells, tears in his eyes at the thought of his brother having to replenish these by himself, loaded one of the sawed off shotguns into the bottom of his duffle bag, checked and stored the .45 that his father had given him and his brother had kept, and made sure that he would be wearing enough layers when they set out that night to head to Indiana.  He stole some food from their supply, picked up by Sam himself when his older brother had been sleeping off the gunshot wound.  And then he waited for Dean to come out of the shower.  Waited for the older man to tell him with a no-questions-asked attitude that they were following their father’s orders and leaving.

When it finally happened, Sam’s resolve crumbled once more.  The attitude was there, but there was fear and disappointment as well.  Dean didn’t want to give up trying to find their father, and was upset that the man had called specifically to tell him that he didn’t want them doing that anymore.  He was afraid that Sam was going to argue with him, or worse shoot him down…verbally of course…like he had done in the asylum, and he wasn’t sure he could take that.  So Sam silently sat in the car as if pulled away from the latest cheap motel that had housed them, and planned to leave Dean as soon as he could.  He couldn’t get the images out of his head.

Sam wasn’t sure when he had finally gotten enough courage to break Dean’s heart.  It was on some dark, no name road in the middle of nowhere.  He knew that he should have done this back in the hotel when he had some means of transportation nearby; be it plane, train, or automobile, but there was no time like the present and the strained silence in the car had gotten him to think of all the ways that Dean could be injured that would lead to his death, but not immediately.  He could remember the look at his brother and could see nothing wrong.  But that didn’t mean that something couldn’t have been hidden from him: an illness or something caused by a spirit or demon.  Or maybe the injury was just out of sight, out of mind.  Or maybe…just maybe, the injury wasn’t supernatural.  Maybe Dean’s reckless driving was going to do him in.  What if Sam had another nightmare in the car and when his brother reached over to wake him, something happened?

The younger man had been just about to drift off to sleep when he heard it again.  “I’m going to die.  And you can’t stop it.”

Damned if I can’t, Sam thought as he called out for his brother.

“Dean, we need to try and find Dad.  This Indiana thing can wait; Dad said it’s been going on for a while, it will still be there after we get him.”

“Sam, we’ve talked about this.  Dad doesn’t want us to find him; he’s onto something big and needs to go this alone.  So we’re helping him the only way we can.  By taking care of this so he doesn’t have to.”

“No.  Dean, I have to find Dad.  I have to find Jessica’s killer.”

“And I promised you that we would.  I want to find them both as much as you do.  I might even want to punch Dad almost as much as you do for all that he’s put us through this last year.  But we need to go and take care of this first.  We need to…”

“Do what Dad says?  Come on, man.  He’s alive and we could find him.  But if you don’t care about that, then whatever.  I’m not going to Indiana with you.  I’m going to go and find Dad.  If you don’t want to do that, then fine.  Just let me out here.”

“Sam, I’m not abandoning you on the side of the road.”

“What, you mean like Dad’s done to us?”  Sam knew the words would sting, would hurt his brother, but if he was going to get away from the man, then he had to dig deep.

“Sam…”  Dean growled warningly, but his brother didn’t stop.

“I mean, come on.  The man just up and leaves you down in New Orleans to go on his own hunt and doesn’t have the decency to tell you for a year that he’s all right.  Face it, Dean.  He’s left us behind.”  Sam had to throw his hands out onto the dashboard to stop his head from colliding with it as Dean slammed on the breaks.  He could almost see tears in the man’s eyes as he gripped the steering wheel more tightly.

“Get out.”

“What?”  Sam had barely heard the words laced with hurt and anger.

“I said get out.  You want to go find Dad, then fine.  I’m not stopping you.  Just go.”

Sam had to remind himself that he had to do this to save his brother’s life several times before he could force his limbs to propel him through the door.  He willed the tears away and reminded himself that method acting was the best defense against this and played the part again. 

“Sam…wait…”  Dean’s whisper was cut off as the younger hunter slammed the door, slinging his duffle bag onto his back and heading back the way they had come.  He heard the car door open and slam and cursed under his breath.  Why does he have to make this so much harder?  Because he loves you, you dolt.

“Sam.  Please.”  Dean saw the determined look in his brother’s eyes and sighed, pushing back the crushing feelings of self-hate and unworthiness as he saw that yet another member of his family was going to leave him behind.  He wouldn’t hurt the boy.  He couldn’t.  He had made a promise several times over to never let his brother be hurt.  “At least…take some weapons with you.  You might need them.”

Sam watched his brother open the trunk and lift the weapons compartment, holding the top open with one of many shotguns.  He let his brother pull out two knives, silver bullets, a container of Holy water, and another shotgun, stowing them all in his bag.  He could feel Dean storing the emotions that threatened to spill over deep inside, taking on an aura of a carefree demeanor.  Two could play at that game

The youngest Winchester started to walk away again, hoping Dean wouldn’t wrestle him to the ground and drag him back to the car.  It got harder and harder with each passing second to keep walking away, and he had almost resolved to turn back and talk this out with his brother when he heard the one sentence that would give him relief.  It wouldn’t be as bad if the boys parted ways mutually, if Dean was willing to leave behind the boy he had sworn to keep safe.  And he was.

“Sam.”  Dean waited until the man in the distance turned to face him.  “If you aren’t coming with me, I’m not waiting around for you.  I’m going to Indiana.”  He paused and tried to make his tone aloof.  “I’m taking off.”

Sam smiled a bittersweet smile.  He still had to play the role and tried to make his voice sound uncaring.  He had to look annoyed and like he had won.  All he felt was the oddest mixture of relief and absolute despair.  Deep down, past the feeling that he had to get away from Dean to keep him safe, that was the last thing he really wanted Dean to do.  “That’s what I want you to do.”

Both men turned away from each other before they could see the hurt in the other’s eyes; the hurt that was mirrored in their own.  But each one had a job to do, and only one way to do it: to be completely focused on the task at hand and not allow themselves to reflect on the abandonment that they were experiencing and causing.  Little did Sam know that it wasn’t going to do him any good.  Dean was still going to end up in that hospital; one way or another.

~~**~~