I don’t even bother showing up at school the following week. In fact I don’t bother doing anything the following week. . .except a lot of drugs. I want Casey Connor out of my head. Both of them.
One night, there’s a knock on my door. I choose to ignore it. Whoever it is will go away.
"Zeke, please. Open up." I hear Miss Burke call. "I just want to talk."
"Shit." I hiss, shaking my head. It’s an understatement.
You know what’s weird? I still think of her as ‘Miss Burke.’ I’ve got this weird ‘woman I respect’ thing going on with her, I guess. Weird.
Then again, everything involving me is weird lately.
I answer the door.
She smiles softly. "Hi." she says. "You haven’t been in school all week. I’ve been worried about you."
She glances behind me, into the house. "May I come in?"
"Yeah, sure, but the place is a mess." I say, moving out of the way. I tuck in my shirt to make myself a little more presentable, though I’m not entirely sure why.
"That’s okay." she says as she steps into the house. "You’re a. . .well, it-it’s to be expected."
She clears her throat, blushing. "Um, how-how are you feeling?" She shakes her head. "Those boys, what they did, it was awful. They were suspended."
"As soon as I go back, I’ll probably get suspended too." I point out. "I did fight back. I’m okay, I guess? How’re you doing, Liz?"
"You were fighting back in self-defense, Zeke." she says. "That has to count for something."
She smiles shyly. "I’m all right. I, uh, I’ve missed you. Fourth period English hasn’t been the same."
"I thought maybe going back to school while my face was still purple was a bad idea." I mumble, stuffing my hands in my pockets. "Besides, I didn’t really go to many of my classes anyway."
I know I should say that I missed her too, but between thinking about Casey and being so stoned I don’t think about anything, she hasn’t really crossed my mind much.
She nods as she idly wrings her hands. "Zeke. . .I’ve been trying to think of how to bring this up without offending you and I’ve lost a lot of sleep over it. It’s really been bothering me and I, I can’t think of a better way than just being straightforward, so I’m going to come right out and ask."
She takes a deep breath and then says, "Is there any truth to the rumors going around school about you and Casey?"
I groan before I can stop myself.
"Elizabeth." I grumble, trying to dodge the question.
"No, Zeke, I need to know." she says. "I realize that I’m much older than you and I’ve cherished every moment we’ve spent together, but please, if you’ve grown tired of me, then just tell me."
She begins to chew on her lower lip, still wringing her hands.
"What?!" I exclaim defensively. "Come on! This is bullshit!"
Fuck, my mind wandered once. ONCE. And it’s about her! Son of a. . . fucking women!
"So the rumors aren’t true then?" she says hopefully. "About you and Casey?"
"Casey shits his pants whenever I breathe in his direction, Liz!" I point out. "How can they be true?!"
She seems to ponder this, frowning thoughtfully. "You have a point." she says finally, nodding. Then she smiles brightly and stops wringing her hands. "Good. I’m glad. I was worried. Have you eaten?"
Without waiting for a response, she starts heading toward the kitchen. "I could fix you something to eat and then we can do whatever you want."
"I’m fine." I insist, obviously annoyed. "Fuck. You believed a bunch of dumb jocks and gossip whores without even talking to me? What the fuck?!"
She cringes, stopping halfway to the kitchen. "I’m sorry, Zeke." she says. "It was stupid, I know. I just. . ." She sighs, shaking her head. "Some mornings I wake up and can’t for the life of me figure out why you’re wasting your time on an old lady like me when you could have somebody your own age. And Casey’s not unattractive."
"No, he’s not." I admit before I can catch myself. "But neither is Delilah, and she’s a giant skank! Fuck Liz! Don’t you get it?! I thought I wasn’t being judged by you the same way people my own age judge me, but you’re just as willing to believe the rumors as everyone else!"
"I’m sorry, Zeke." she says softly. "I don’t know what to say. But apparently I’m not the only one who thinks you see something in Casey. I overheard Stokely the other day, talking to him."
She shakes her head. "I should’ve come to you sooner. I should’ve given you the benefit of a doubt. I was wrong."
"Fuck Stokely!" I exclaim, way more angry than I should be. "Would it make all of you feel better if Casey and I WERE hot for each other?! Fuck, would that get your panties sticky, Liz? Because I really don’t understand the fixation here!"
Her face flushes. God, even after everything we’ve done together, she STILL gets embarrassed talking about sex or anything sex-related.
"Zeke, calm down." she says. "I just want you to be happy. With me or Casey or anybody else, it doesn’t matter, as long as you’re content."
"Bullshit! You just don’t want anyone moving in on your boy toy!" I yell. It’s a totally unfair comment, but I just want to be left alone right now. I’m not gay! I’m not!
But everyone thinks I am!
She stares at me in shock, her mouth opening and closing a few times. Finally, she shakes her head, rubbing her forehead.
"Zeke, you’re not just my boy toy." she says softly. "You’re. . .an intelligent young man who. . .who makes me feel. . .alive. And yes, I will admit, I was jealous at the thought of you being attracted to Casey. I don’t want to share you. But in all honesty, who would? You’re something really special."
I roll my eyes.
"The only difference between me and every other textbook young punk is that I’m fucking you." I say coldly, glaring at her. "You don’t even know me, Liz. No one knows me. Everyone thinks they do, but no one really does. Yeah sure I make you feel alive. I’m dangerous. But come on, if anyone official found out about us you’d get fired. It’s not a real relationship, Liz. That’s why you like it. I’m safe."
She looks flabbergasted. "Well, that’s. . .uh. . .wow." she says, her voice hushed. "That’s what you really think, huh?"
She swallows, her eyes glimmering with unshed tears. "Fuck you, Zeke." she says. She pauses, swipes a hand across her eyes, smiling cynically. "Oh wait, I already did."
She shakes her head and stalks toward the door, jerking it open and then slamming it shut behind her.
I stare at the door for a long time after she leaves. Did she say what I think she said?
Yeah. . .yeah I think she did.
Uh. . .huh. That’s pretty hot.
. . .
Fuck. I’m hopeless.
I flop down on the couch, groan loudly, and wish I could just disappear. It doesn’t work.
