| bad day. who the hell am i kidding? bad week. i have the strong desire to shoot myself, cut myself, comthing to let this pain out. i hit a dog, lost footing with my girls and misplace with my heart. i have no car and no one to talk to. and i honestly think it might be better if i left and didn't come back. honestly. not that i have a way to get there....i really need someone to tell me it's ok and that they care and them give me a hug and i actually feel it from their heart, not just doing it so i won't complain...fuck you all. you know who i'm talking to, fuck you. everyone who acts like they care and....fuck you. i want you to know, i'm gonna sit here on this god damned computer till somone asks how i am, if no one does i'll add a new letter. bet me i won't. bet me. they were right, you give your heart away and you're just asking for it to be smashed. audj just IMed me and made it worse. you people need to leave me alone. this fuckin god damned day CAN NOT get any worse and to insure that...you people need to leave me alone. you don't know, you don't care...i'll only talk to three people: kaite, april, and myra. if it's not you, leave me alone, i'm hurting and you don't care and neither do i. the whole world needs to go away or send me away. fuck you. *a few minutes to breathe and ramble mindlessly* |
| ok i've been talking to april for about a week now. at one point i was getting 5 e-mails a day from her...then we met...i thought it was over then and there cause i spent the whole time more nervous than she was but i was lucky enough to get another one the night after but it wasn't the same....it's not that i wanted it to work out and fall madly in love with her, all i wanted was to go back to talking like we used to. now i keep checking my e-mail and i got diddly. i think kaite understood cause i've gotten two from her. it's just nice to talk ot someone who doesn't care what mental state you're in or what you look like. i hope one of them will be home soon. morgan came home to see why it was that i wanted to go over to the trailer but now i don't. i explained and now it's over. i'm not typing in red right now cause i've calmed down a *phone rings* see, i spoke too soon. mary called wanting to know what the hell was going on. i talked but i shouldn't have. i only did cause i didn't want her to leave a message and then worry and then come here. i shouldn't have talked. i'm not in that state of mind to talk. and i hate crying....i hate it. i'm in the fucking way and i know that the only reason that i typed that is because the voice in the back of my fucking head keeps saying it over and over and over. i saw a movie...pie and the guy drilled a fuckin hole in his head cause it was hurting...i wish i could drill a hole in my fuckin head to keep those thoughts away. fuck! now i've screwed everything up. how the hell am i supposed to go back after this. i'm so fuckin confused. damn! *breathing* what do i do now? stay here and type till i hear some one came on? watch tv till i hear some one come on? damn. i'm so lost, so lost. i have one blade. the test is to see how long i can go with out using it. i have faith. if they don't call or come on then i'll stay right here where i am now. if i get lucky and april or katie or myra IMs me or e-mails me...then i'll be that much up. then i'll take a pill at about 10 so i can go to sleep.....i think this is all cause i read 'catcher' the other day. when i'm in the wrong frame of mind and i read it i get depressed as hell, like now. and waiting six hours to take a pill is pretty depressing also. this one part in the book he is waiting for tuesday so he can go home. he got kicked out of school and can't go home early cause his mom will find out that he fucked up....kinda what shape i'm in right now, hemf. so here i am waiting for someone to tell me what to do, where to go, what to think. i'm ok for the next hour cause matlock is on. and then i'll be ok till seven cause friends and sipsons but.....seven sucks. sucks. maybe i'll get lucky and my parents will want to go out to eat with tre and morgan. man that sucks and it's even more depressing that i actually WANT to go out to eat with my parents. man..what the hell am i goona do...... i'll tell you the first thing, i'm going to up my meds again. i might be jittery but i'll feel anything to not feel like this. i have to pee. think i'm gonna work on my page for a bit longer. i appologize to those of you who have read this far. the main reason i do this is so i have a save outlet and don't go to other measures. i don't regret it because it's mostly my head's inner thoughts that i don't even rememver thinking. so if you get another entry after this one, i'm still alive so drop me a line. let me know you care so that the next time i can look there and not do another one of these. PEACE, TO OTHERS AND WITHIN YOURSELF |
| WARNING: this is typed in red cause my heart is broken right now. do not read this unless you can without taking it personally. i am so pissed off that i could kill right now and i'm just ranting so i don't physically hurt myself. |