| i realize that it's been a while but i've had a lot on my mind lately. and it kinda hit the fan on saturday. the girls took me to razzle dazzle. well, i knew mentally that i was gonna have some problems but i thought that i could overcome it. well i couldn't. things just seemed to keep getting worse. i had been stressed beyond belief the whole prior week cause of school so my back was REALLY bothering me. and audj took a turn too fast and it hurt. i said something like 'gagh' and it pissed her off so she drove really slow on the highway. mary commented about it and she said that she wouldn't want me to complain or be mad or something. pissed me off. i said 'god dammit........'then i don't remember. audj pulled off the highway and asked mary to drive. silence. when we finally got there, we met up with mary's friends. they were at sue ellen's and wanted us to come in. then the point was made very clear that i'm 20, i couldn't get in. a big deal was made. pissed me the hell off. it's not my fault how old i am. and i don't agree with a country that will let you die for your country at 18 but you can't drink till you're 21. it's not like i'm magically gonna be more responcible the day i turn 21 than the day before. well, they are all over 21 so they drank and i didn't. oh, yeah, i didn't mention that mary and audj were together and the other two chicks were together and then there was me. and it's not like i could have looked around and found another single person. yeah it was a celebration of being gay but that don't mean shit when you're the odd man out in a room full of gay couples. they played music and the coulples danced. they held hands. they made out right in front of me. all over the place. and audj tried to help the situation by pointing out fine girls....but i didn't say anything cause mary and audj where having fun. so yeah i've been having problems with the whole being single thing for a while but my heart finally broke on saturday. it was comparable to when greg dumped me. i don't think it was as bad but almost. it made me second guess myself. see there have been two guys maybe three that i could have hooked up with between then and now. and if you count the three old guys that hit on me at cd warehouse that makes six. but i'm not interested in them. and the one chick that showed any interest in me....well, i kinda always knew that it wouldn't work. high maintenance...me and her both. so i'm kinda stuck here. i know that if i could get out of my house it would be a bit easier cause if by some miricle i did find some chick to date, where would i take her? can't bring her here. and on the plus side, i don't think it's all me. cause i'm a cool person. i really am. i have my moments when i can't think straight (ha, ha) but i'm fair and i'm devoted and i'm loyal as hell. i just haven't found anyone who sees the same things. so, yeah..... 20 years old, been single 19 of those years, found myself and am ready to take on the world...and there's no one by my side to watch me do it... i'll eventually get over it. |
| It's been awhile Since I could hold my head up high Since I first saw you Since I could stand on my own two feet again Since I could call you But everything I can't remember as fucked up as it all may seem the consequences that I've rendered I've stretched myself beyond my means It's been awhile Since I could say that I wasn't addicted Subce I could say I love myself as well Since I've gone and fucked things up just like I always do But all that shit seems to disappear when I'm with you But everything I can't remember as fucked up as it may seem The consequences that I've rendered, I've gone and fucked things up again. Why must I feel this way Just make this go away, Just one more peaceful day |
| It's been awhile Since I could look at myself straight Since I said I'm sorry Since I've seen the way the candle lights your face But I can still remember just the way you taste But everything I can't remember as fucked up as it all may seem to be I know it's me I cannot blame this on my father he did the best he could for me It's been awhile Since I could hold my head up high and it's been awhile since I said I'm sorry |
| figured i'd write again. still got a lot rumbling around in my head again. had a quiet day. i stayed home till almost 4 and then by the time i got to the trailer audj was tired. she slept till mary got home and mary is all stressed out so i left. i admit that i'm a bit paranoid about it all but i kept telling myself that i had nothing to do with it and that if mary had something to tell me she would. i'll feel better once she does. but things between audj and i are ok from what i can tell. i apollogized for this past weekend and she said it was ok so...yeah. i went to mcdonalds for dinner after i left the trailer. well i guess the chick remembered me from lunch today cause she acted like she recognized me. the fact that i'm there about four times a week probably has something to do with it also. anyway, i got up to the window and she talked to me like she knew me and i shot the shit with her and she supersized my meal for free....don't know why i'm writing that. just something i'm thinking about. i guess it has to do with the whole lonly thing. talked to my dad tonight. my waterbed has been hurting my back for some weeks now and the stress from school didn't help. well, he said we could go get a bed this weekend. i just want a futon but he wants a bed. he doesn't really know what a futon is so i figure once he sees, he'll get me that. so this is great. the only problem is that i'll have to dismantle my waterbed and drag the whole thing out to the trash. sucks. maybe i'll ask my sis if she wants it. i'll see. |