| long day. tonight, mary was holding j. he was wrapped up like a catapiller and she was rocking him to sleep and i thought, damn, he's lucky. he is, i mean it. i'm missing out on a great part of life that so many people get to expierience. touch. i don't think my mom held me enough as a baby. when i was with my ex, all i wanted him to do was hold me. and i think that's why i was in that relationship. cause he wanted to show me affection that no one else had. he'd hold me for hours. and that was great and i'm usually ok seeing audj and mary together but...i'm missing out. and it's not my fault. i would be a great girlfriend. i really would. and it's not about sex. i swear it isn't. i'm not looking for that, lord knows. i just want someone to 'be with'. i want to stare at their hands for hours and wonder what those hands have done. i want to lay completely naked with them in a dark room with an insence burning. it's not about sex it's about connecting with some one. so right now i'm lonely cause i know that there is someone out there for me, i have to believe that....cause, if there isn't, then what am i living for? just want to lay there on her chest and hear her heartbeat. feel her chest rise and fall, rise and fall. feel that place right in the middle where my face fits so comfortably.......right now it's just a pipe dream. the whole 'andy' thing was important to me cause it was the first time that i got to 'dive into' this world that hadn't made much sense to me but i was allowed to explore it. i'm not sorry it happened. and years from now i'll look back on it and i'll remember her hands.....how they looked in mine. and the next chick, i'll make her so happy. i swear i will. and we'll be so good together. and i'll study her hands and she'll hold me when i'm feelin down or feelin happy or what ever reason....yeah. one day i'll get mine and all of this would be worth it. one day PEACE OUT and, tell those who you care about that you love them. |