| better today than yesterday, but still. something is beating mary down and i don't know what. can't help but think i have something to do with it. maybe i mess with her too much. maybe i'm around too much. maybe this is all in my head....those pesky little voices in there yelling and screaming. there's nothgin i can do to fix this so i just have to let it be and hope that audj talkes to her and fixes it. whitters called about an hour or so ago. she's with andy. i'm ok now but i had to get a hold of myself. this whole dana thing still bugs me and all....but i know i know, i have nothing to do with it and i can't do anything about it. part of me wants to call up whitters and ask her if she wants to hang or something but then andy will probably come along which is fine with me.....i just DON'T want what happened last time to happen again. sucks. mary has this tuesday off. coincidentally it's their one year and one month aniversary but especially, it's the three of us....the first time i "connected" with them was their one month anniversary. so it's the one year mark for us. for me that's HUGE. i mean it. i rarely hang with someone this long. i think it says a lot about them and even more importantly it says a lot about me. that in some way i'm doing better cause i can have a relationship (somewhat healthy *he-he*) with more than one person and it's working. we all give a little and take a little. what does this have to do with tuesday? i think mary was wanting to take audj out. it kills me enough when they go out cause i got to hear about how wonderful it was and what they did and who they say and this and that. partially jealousy but i have an excuse. when they talk about sex and all that, even though the three of us are in the room, i'm not there. it's just them in the moment. now i understand the whole "they need time together" thing. i agree. and i make an effort. i never wanted to be not wanted. and it's not like i'm not wanted like "go away and never come back" it's more like we don't want you around right now. but that is understandable. i try to leave the apartment early. by 8 but sometimes, like on sundays, i leave earlier than that. the whole thing is that when i'm not there, i'm at home. i have nothing to do here. and i hate spending my time whishing i was somewhere else doing something else. i hate that. maybe it is unhealthy to hang with only them and no one else. i tried. i tried hanging with andy and whitters but that totally backfired. and if i get any kinds of attached to either one of them, it's over and i'm gonna get hurt. why does something so simple have to be so complicated? well, i guess that's it. i'm ganna take a pill and pass out. PEACE OUT |