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| kinda how i'm feelin. just kinda stairin out there into space. in 10 minutes it will officially be easter sunday. good cause i don't really have to do anything but bad cause i can already tell that this is gonna be one of those nights. it was already one of those days. i just knew to keep my mouth shut cause thinking was not an option today. it was hard on audj but it's nothin i can help. the only other alternative is to go home and then i feel worse cause then i'm all alone. and it's not like it's anything i can talk about cause i don't know what's wrong. all i know is that i haven't taken any meds for a while cause they werent' doing anything so all i can think of is that i'm just having reactions to stoping that. |
| i know that when i feel like this, the best thing to do is to chill out as best i can. just mellow out. so i borrowed audj's brokedown palace cd and i'm jammin. i also went out and bought some new insence and cones and stuff. if i'm not any better by 1 (i'll probably pass out by then), i'll take a pill and then i'll be knocked out pretty well. either way, i have no choice but to make it through this night. i hate nights like this. hate them. it's like i'll go to sleep one night and when i wake up, i'm not myself. i'm dizzy and can't think. one entire thought will occupy my head. not just the surface of the thought, the whole thing....from start to finish. sucks. still haven't found anyone to take the chicks. we have to do something soon cause they have started fighting over the food and water. there is enough for both but they won't share. i don't want one to kill another and i'l pretty sure the they are both males. don't know what to do. done a lot of thinking......in 6th grade i had this teacher named mrs. o'neal. bitchin teacher. like the first teach that i really liked and i wanted to learn from. well, she decided to go to the act acadamy so she split right in the middle of the year. i was bummed as hell. we got this new sub but no one like her cause she wasn't mrs o'neal. they all gave her a hard time about everything. well, she and i were cool cause i'd have to go to a lot of tutering to pass math and science cause that stuff was hard. and when i'd leave math tutoring she'd still be in her room working. i'd smile and say hi. one time it was a thursday and i was leaving school and she was standing in the hall. i said "bye mrs mann. have a happy easter and i'll see you next week." she smiled a big smile and just looked releaved......she died the next day. car accident. she was pregnant. see, she wan't all that close to me. i mean she did make a difference to me cause she was my teach and all....but damn.....that was 8 years ago and i'm still tearing up. her husband has since remarried and i know that for the past week that's what he's been thinking about. but..... it's like we as humans are told "go to school, get an education, get a job, work the rest of your life and then one day you might get lucky and get to retire only to get cancer from smoking or someone elses' smoking or just cause you don't smoke or know anyone else who smokes." "don't do drugs. don't drink. don't smoke. don't have sex. don't drive to fast. get a better job.......damn. are we ever gonna be good enough for ourselves? are we ever going to get to that place where we can just stop and exhale? and when are we going to realize that none of it matters to anyone else except our god. i know i haven't talked much about god and all cause i believe we all have our own god and when we start talking about ' the ' god, views get skewed and problems arise from different viewes. my point is that we'll all end up equal in the hereafter. we started that way and we'll end up that way. yes, life got fucked up in the middle. but that's the diffination of life. LIFE-fucked up see? that's not the meaning of life but the diffination. and there is no "physical" thing as fair. fair is that we all are allowed to die. these people who kill themselves are called crazy. i beg to differ. they aren't crazy, on the contrary, they are perfectly sane. maybe more sane that the others. they can't take this physical state of being. why not go back where they came from? they're god will understand. people say ' oh, my....i didn't see it coming?'. no you didn't. you're caught up in it. blind.......see, it's kind of like bootcamp in a way. you start out naked with a lot of people yelling at you. then you get used to thinking in a way you're taught and then you continue that for the rest of your life. all the time, people yelling and showing that they are on a different level than you......about half the people on this earth fear change (i'm one of them) and the other half fear monotony. if everyone were on the same level.........well, that doesn't happen till you die. but then it's pointless cause all your "physical and mental traits" won't matter.......... i could go on and on and on but my cd's are over and i'm about ready to pass out or take a pill. haven't decided. be kind to those around you and talk to those you've lost. they can hear you. happy easter. PEACE OUT |