| i sit two stories above the street, it's awful quite here since love fell asleep there's life down below me though, the kids are walking home from school so long ago when we were taught, that for whatever kinda puzzle you got you just stick the right formula in, a solution for every fool i remember the time when i came so close to you sent me skipping my class and running from school and i bought you that ring cause i never was cool what makes me think i could start clean slated the hardest to learn was the least complicated |
| just head this on the radio. mary has been busy lately writing a 'book' on what it is/means to be a lesbian. i applaud her for that. i've been pondering things like that lately and this song seems fitting. maybe i'll write my own chapter to this 'book'. broke down and e-mailed 'andy' last night. she hasn't gotten back to me. i guess that could be a good thing. now i've just got to get her out of my head. today was a rough one. i've been paranoid lately that things between the three of us have changed....but i've been chalking it up to my normal paranoia and the fact that i'm gettin ancey. i tried telling audj that i don't feel like i'm fitting in, i don't feel like i know where home is, like i don't have a family.... but she just said something like 'we all feel like that'. she did say that they were my family but i don't know. so i talked to mary about it today. she said that she knows what i mean about the ancey thing. i can tell cause she's seemed a little off these past few days. |
| How many times do I have to try to tell you That I'm sorry for the things I've done But when I start to try to tell you That's when you have to tell me Hey, this kind of trouble's only just begun I tell myself too many times Why don't you ever learn to keep your big mouth shut That's why it hurts so bad to hear the words That keep on falling from your mouth Falling from your mouth Falling from your mouth Tell me... Why Why I may be mad I may be blind I may be viciously unkind But I can still read what you're thinking And I've heard it said too many times That you'd be better off Besides... Why can't you see this boat is sinking Let's go down to the water's edge And we can cast away those doubts Some things are better left unsaid But they still turn me inside out Turning inside out turning inside out Tell me... Why Tell me... Why This is the book I never read These are the words I never said This is the path I'll never tread These are the dreams I'll dream instead This is the joy that's seldom spread These are the tears... The tears we shed This is the fear This is the dread These are the contents of my head And these are the years that we have spent And this is what they represent And this is how I feel Do you know how I feel? 'Cause I don't think you know how I feel I don't think you know what I feel I don't think you know what I feel You don't know what I feel |
| i know the court thing had something to do with it. i know that it scared the shit out of me. i just....i don't know. so anyway, once we dropped off audj's bro, mary let audj's moms ride in the front cause she wanted to stretch out. sound's alright to me. but audj didn't like it. mary laid back and i laid in her lap cause my back was bothering me and laying down helps. audj then said that mary and i were being lovey, dovey or something like that. that bugged me. i wasn't doing anything wrong and yet i was. sucks. there wasn't anything i could do to fix it. if i sat up, audj would have been hurt cause it hurt my feelings, if i would have stayed (which i did) audj would have felt bad cause i was laying in mary's lap. i still don't see how it was a big deal. then we finally got back to the apartment. i thought great, things will get back to normal.....uh, no. audj was quiet and said hardly two words. and mary wasn't saying much either. i can deal with it better when jay's with me cause he loves me and doesn't yet know how to give that old cold shoulder. well, i couldn't take it anymore. that's hard to sit there and not feel wanted and out of place, so i bailed. the family's going out to dinner for pop's b-day anyway. so i just came home a while early, that's all. and then after dinner, i'll come home and watch the practice and then go to bed. i'll sleep on it and hopefully all of this will go away by tomorrow. it has to. they're my girls. i only have 5 girls, indigo, audj, mary and na. they're my girls. they wouldn't have gotten the same tat as me unless they were sure it would all be ok. i wouldn't ever get anyone's name put one me cause there might come a time when you regret doing it and that name will be a reminder of that person...could get ugly.... the dial is playing 'i wanna come over'. i'm gonna cry. i know you're home, you left your light on dude, it's all gonna be ok. i know it. i know it. it's all good. |