| not been feelin like myself lately. i know it and i think it's been effecting life of those around me. i don't know. i'm trying not to think like i used to....like the sick me would, but. i miss 'andy' i know that's got something to do with it. i want to tell her that we could have something great but she's too scared to do something about it. that's what i think. she's scared that someone will hurt her heart, i wouldn't cause i know how it feels but.....i want what she says she wants, to feel totally comfortable with someone....oh, to feel at ease, i have forgotten what that feels like. but if i knew that she woudn't blow me off again, it wouldn't take me too long to ease up. i'm not scared of her, just that she'll break my heart again. and i need some kind of finality here cause if not, she'll answer my e-mail and this will all start up again. i e-mailed her kinda in hopes that she wouldn't get back to me and then i'd know that this is all over....no, i don't know that i want it all to be over....i don't know anymore. i'm too tired........i guess one reason it wouldn't work: we're too much alike. nope, doesn't roll with me. i've been looking for my equal and i find it hard to believe that we're supposed to pass in this life with only that brief relationship we had. no. maybe. i don't know for sure. but i had a rough day yesterday and kinda one today. i wanted to call her up and hang with her. maybe i should have. mary and audj got my back but.....lately i don't feel like i fit in. not even with them. like i don't have a home, a family. cause i don't see that it would matter that much if i'd never come into their lives, nor my parents and sister. all i did them was cost money. a lot of it. my dad saw my tat. he gave me that i'm so disapointed in you look. killed me. i'm never gonna live up to his expectations. i'm only in school so i won't be a loser to him and mom. what i do with my body is my choice. who i choose to love isn't as much of a choice but who i choose to end up with one day is my choice (considering i'm lucky enough to find someone). sucks to think that i'm going to move out the first chance i get and not look back. and if i do find someone, i can't bring her home to them, can't talk about her or nothing. sucks. i'm not who they think i am. sucks. i know who i am....i'm lost. a dust child. i'm tired right now so i'll go to bed and sleep on it all....get back to you later. |