| good afternoon. sitting in school. i'm so beat down. i had a rough night and i have been bustin tired all day. i know some of it is because i started my meds again today. havne't been on them for a while and i think things might get rought here pretty soon. i want to be as strong as i can when it happens. went by the shop today after work. everyone there is tired also. still don't know if i'm going to chill with na on saturday. it would be good cause mary and audj could get more time together but i don't know that i'm up for an evening out. i dont know. i'll think about it more and get back to you. |
| i don't have much work if any to do today in class. there isn't any homework that i could do here in class on the computer. i do have to go back down to my car and scan some pics for this sight but we'll see. going to the apartment after school. nita got the food stamps. i am so happy for her/us. now jay will always get food. i just know that one day he'll get sick of hot dogs. i love that kid. i know he's got a potty mouth but it's not really his fault. he learned how to talk from his parents and they're kind of kids themselves. anyway, he means well and he's only two. |
| all of my life where have you been i wonder if i'll ever see you again |
| we're born to shimmer we're born to shine we're born to radiate we're born to live we're born to love but they teach us how to hate |
| got an e-mail from a old friend. Hi, How are you??? I was just thinking of you today and so I thought I'd let you know that you were thought about . . . Yeah so that was a little redundant but it's just the way I seem to be thinking lately. SO how are you??? Is college going well?....Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that you are a very special person and that I miss seeing you a lot. Love you~ "B" she's emailed me afew times since high school. i never answer. i don't know. i kinda want to give her my address so she'll see how things are and how i'm doing. but i know how her mom feels about "my people". no, she doesn't know but she did say something about it at one time. it's not that i care what she thinks about me in that way, but i don't want the whole school to find out. morgan still goes there and i have afew teacher friends there. |
| The sky was dark this morning Not a bird in the trees And silence hung suspicious and anxious Like a blanket covered scream You were gone You were not there for me And I cursed the sky and begged the sun to Fall all over me This life's not for living, baby Living ain't free If I can't find my way back to me Let the sun fall down over me Let the sun fall down All my friends are searching Quiet, desperately Look into their eyes you'll see the faithless crying Save me, save me, save me What are they to feel Who are they to be What am I to do with, do with me, just let the sun Fall over me This life's not living, baby Living ain't free If I can't find my way back to me Let the sun fall down over me Let the sun fall down 'Til my eyes cry out 'Til my head is free from doubt 'Til my lungs sigh right out 'Til I'm wiser Let the sun Fall over me This life's not living, baby Living ain't free If I can't find my way back to me Let the sun fall down |
| ok i guess that's all for now. i'm pretty much finished here and i mostly exhausted. one love |
| 11:00 pm ok, so i came home to do homework. i did what i could and now i'm here. i have my window open. the weather.....oh man. it's one of those nights. till about a year or so ago i wouldn't be able to sleep in this weather. so many nights i'd spend with no light but a candle's flame and a drawing that i would continuously work on.spent so many nights like that. and i have that same feeling right now. i know i souldn't be alone but all i've got is dunc. i am still exhausted so maybe i'll be able to sleep in a while. i don't have to get up till 10:00 unless kim calls me in to work a few hours. i have a headache. i mean it. and i have to pee. i'm telling you there has got to be something wrong with me. i peed like 20 times yesterday (seriously) and today, i get like no warning when i have to go. luckily i was near a toilet everytime i had to go. audj was playing her sims game and she/we built a new house on it. man i can't wait till i get to build my own house. i just cant wait. i ve got so many ideas. hold up.....had to pee. guys, my head is seriously messed up. i'm so dizzy right now. i only had one swig of jack today and that was like three hours ago. if it was that, it would have hit me long ago. maybe it's my meds. speaking of meds, my doc called and i'll go see her next tues to find out what the hell is wrong with me. kinda nervous but i figure if it was something too terrible like i would have to be sent away or on stronger meds, she would have found a way to find me or let one of my other shrinks know. speaking of shrinks, i'm kinda more at east about this whole unhealthy thing that na brought up. i think that cathy (shrink, not mary's sis) feels the same way but i guess she isn't in my head as deep as i thought. either that or i'm better at hiding stuff than i thought. i mean she apparantly knows about my lifestyle but it's not like i've been hiding it. i'm not. she just hasn't asked. if she were to ask, i would tell the truth. same with my parents. i just don't want to bring it up. cathy is too much like my parents and i'm scared of what she will think. but about mary and audj, i'm ok with hanging with them as log as they feel the same. i've been trying REAL hard to give them some space. made it home tonight before 9:30. i did honestly have some homework to do but i thought i'd kill two birds with one stone. well, i guess that's about it. i'm tired and i'm downloading off napster. one love |