| I tried to find you but no one knew where you were. it seems i've reached yet another dead end. you loved me once, you left me twice and now here i am, here come the waves craxhing in again. whe do you long for? who can take it all away? angels only do so much, so who can make it go away? who do you long for? who do you reach for? who do you call out for an night? Who can take it all away? who's arms surround you? whos breath do you feel? Why try? Why continue? Who most do you fear? Who's inside of you? Who's behind you? Who gets in your skin? You loved me once,left me twice the waves come crashing in. |
| long day. pulled an all day shift today. at least eight hours. if i work three and a half hours tomorrow, i'll have worked eighteen hours this week alone. and that doesn't even count friday. i'll go in in the morning if they need me. got a few things on my mind. went to pro-cuts today and talked to na. she brought up the whole 'why do you spend all your time with audj and mary' thing. why do people care who i hang with. she said it was unhealthy. my shrink has commented on it and i had to bs my way out of that. this sucks. why is it ok that i'm allowed to spend all my time with a signifacant other but not a friend? i'm not letting them run my life. i run my life. when i feel like leaving them i do. i came home early tonight cause i've got a lot on my mind and i didn't want to say something without thinking it through first. and i also wanted to give them some time alone. i've been trying real hard to do that. my fucked up head is thinking that if i give them an hour here and half an hour there, maybe they won't bail on me for an entire night. i don't know. i feel like it would be different if i lived with them. like if we had an apartment (still maybe on colorado in the near future). if we had an apartment, it would be different. i can see myself finding someone and spending time with here. i could leave the apartment for a night and i'd be ok. and if i lived with them, they could go out for a night and i'd be ok. but it's different and i don't know why. so back to my delima. do i think i'm spending too much time with them? no. i'm spending time with people who make me feel like i'm somebody. i don't have too many friends like that. and i don't want to go out and find somebody. there's no use in that. i don't want to hook up with someone just so they can break my heart later. i want a relationship with someone. like i've been trying to find my whole life. don't want to jinx it but i'm pretty sure i found that in audj and mary. but why are others thinking that my being with them is unhealthy. my shrink even used that term. who else am i going to hang with. show me where there is a law that says even though your'e comfortable with one set of friends, you have to go out and find more. look at the peeps on friends. are they hanging with another group of friends. no, it's just them. and if you want to know the truth, i consider mary and audj family. i can't catigorize what they would be like mom and pops, but i don't like catigorys anyway when it comes to people. so i guess i'm gonna have to get over what they think. i'm still perterbed why it would be different if i lived with them but i'm tired for tonight. i'm going to sleep and i'll get back with you tomorrow. one love-that's what it's all about. there is no 'kind of love' just love. different levels but love just the same. i love my dog on a different level than my mom and my girl (assuming i find one) will be loved on a different level than my peeps. so why should i be judged on the level of love i feel? |