| 12:19 i made an executive desision today. i quit. i can't do this. i was going crazy today. i'm not going to let my life stop because of her. i can't do that. my hear is so lonely that it wants to believe everything good about a person, but i have no real evidence that she wants anything to do with me. i don't know if it's cause i'm paranoid but something's telling me that she's playin games with me. if i'm being paranoid and it's a voice, then i loose. if i'm not paranoid and she is playing games, then i loose. either way, my life sucked till about 4 days ago. then i was all good...oh.....for about an hour. i spent all day thinking about her. wondering what she was doing, how she was feeling. then it hit me while i was watching corrina, corrina. (don't ask me why) yes, i have feelings for her, but i'm too goddam fuckin stupid to be able to tell when someone is playin with me that i don't even know. i don't fuckin trust anyone and i'm supposed to be playin this game. no. i can't take it. i've had a stressful month and it's not even over. and next month sucks cause mary's gonna go away for a while and audj will feel like crap and all i want to do is beat the shit out of someone to make it stop. i'm cryin right now and the tears are making it hard to see so sorry if there's any errors. like any one reads this shit. why do i even do this. why am i even here. why do i care. why does anyone care. i don't why should they. i ain't doin this anymore. i can't i know i'm gonna feel lonely forever even if i'm in a room full of people that care about me. i don't deserve this shit. i give up...on meds....on people.....on her....on me. i give. i'm cryin uncle. i don't do it that often. but i'm doin it now. uncle. i give up, i give up, I GIVE UP........if this is what love is supposed to be, i want no part of it, girl or boy. right now i'm not straight or gay. i'm nothing. i don't even feel human. i'm certainly not living so i guess i'm dying. i only wish there was a way i could do it without hurting anyone. that's me, people love me. the happy me and then when the monster comes out and takes over, i can't do anything cause everyone loves the happy me. they want to keep the happy me around, not ever knowing about the monster side. so i'm stuck. DAMN. i......FUCK YOU, ALL OF YOU. I HATE YOU. I HATE WHAT YOU MAKE ME. I HATE THAT YOU MAKE ME SO GOD DAMN MISERABLE. THERE IS NO RELIEF. not even crying is making me feel better. i wish i had stayed at the apartment. at least there i could have drunk myself into a stooper. that's the only way i can escape. but they wanted to be alone. they don't really know what it's like to be alone. no one does. but i do. and it's too much. too god damn much. i'm leaving. i'm getting out of here. if not physically...mentally. lock me up, i'll find a way to be free in my head. |
| i had a long night last night. stayed up past 3am. don't know what it is about that time for me. i keep running into it. i stayed up after writting. i was NOT in the mood to sleep and i had a lot of pent up energy. i didn't do what i felt like doing and i searched adn searched for my pills and couldn't find them. so i decided to paint. put it all down on a cavas. and it worked. i think it's my best one yet. only thing is i did it out of anger. so if i keep it, i'm gonna remember what i felt like while painting it. anyway, we got all dressed up to go to gardenridge today. is that white trash or what. not audj. she looked GOOD, but i wore a white t-shirt and a tie and my leather jacket. i had a fonzy moment. we also went to petco and bought three more betas and a new tank. it looks bitchen. i'm serious. we each got to name one. mary's is phenox. (sp?) audj's is rudy. mine is bosco (after the best sucker fish i ever had) and the one we already had was matthew. they are all kinds of squabbin. it's cool. audj picked the order they should go in on account of some are hostile and some are just chillin. things actually went better today about the whole 'her' thing. since releaseing all that last night, i'm a bit better. i'm still pissed as hell. i was worried that she'd call me. i want to tell her exactly how i feel. like i've been played with all her flirting. and how she might not want a serious relatonship right now but that doesn't give her reason to lead someone else on. and how she needs to get some closer on krys or she's never gonna find someone to make her happy. and that i hope she gets a good look at what she's missing cause i would have been so good to her.. i'm still not entirely sure what i actually AM gonna say cause it hurts to even think about it. but we'll see. no school tomorrow. i was considering canceling shrink cause she's gonna want to talk about the test results and i'm not ready to do that. i don't know if i'll go and just listen or what. i'll decide when i get there. mary said she'd cut my hair tomorrow. yeah. like i said, i'm shaggy. well, that's all for now. wish me luck on keeping my heart together long enough for it to heal and thank the lord i have two strong friends to help me through this (even if i don't want to talk about it. i love it when no questions have to be asked). PEACE |