| long night last night. i saw her again. and i wrote a bunch yesterday on here but my computer froze before i could save it and publish it. i wrote about the test results from my shrink so i guess it's a sign that you out there in computer land shouldn't know what all is going on. mary came home last night. so glad. audj feels better and i feel like things are a bit back to normal. audj had a rough day yesterday helping her moms move in the rain. and mary spent the day sitting so both were tired. i was laying there with them when my phone rang. i thought it was my moms but it wasn't. it was her. scared the shit out of me. i hid in the bathroom and talked to her. she asked when she and whitters could hang with me. i was freakin out. i told her that last night was a good night cause i figured audj and mary would want the evening to themselves on account of them being apart for three days. so they came and picked me up. i was nervous. here it was. the moment where i would see if i was truly over it. over her. over all it was ok. i admit that i missed her hands. they're so soft. and at one point she kissed the back of my head. but i' m trying SO hard to be strong. i thought there for a while that it wasn't her i missed, it was having someone. but now i don't know. i can resist.i'm stronger now. we went out to denny's and stayed there till 11:15. then she had to drive whitters back to frisco so i'm sure that she didn't get home till much later. i don't know what to make of all this. not sure what to think. i shouldn't let her get to me but i don't know how i let her get in. and the thing is that i shouldn't even bother with all this cause i know who her heart belongs to. i know who she wants and i could never compete with that. i'm don't posess this wonderful power over her like the other girl does. and i don't know. i'm running around in circles here. i know that nothing will happen. because she doesn't want it and i can't afford to let my heart be broken again. i should enjoy hanging with her and whitters when i can and pray that i don't fall again. that i can be strong. of course all of this depends on if she calls or writes to me again. she said she wouldn't (jokingly i think) and whitters said she would. i don't know. i guess we'll play it by ear. and if she does call, that's just one more evening that audj and mary can chill. so i guess that's all for now. i'm tired and i think i'll go back to bed now. i can sleep for an hour before i have to get ready for class. PEACE |