i'm sure it was this whole rodney thing and i felt like shit and all but mary let me put my head on her shoulder last night and she kissed my forhead. for just a moment i felt like her kid. like i should have felf from my own mom when i was a kid. she rubbed my head. i'm tearing up just typing this. scares me. i admitt it. scares me. can't really explain it. anyway, olen said i was spoiled cause mary scratched my back yesterday. pissed me off. i'm not spoiled. at least not when it comes to them. i'm loyal. not spoiled. audj needs something, i do it, i get it she never has to ask twice. same with mary only mary won't ask for much. i'm not spoiled, just loyal. that's what bugged me about today. somethimes i get messed up in the head. i mean seriously. my thoughts become "strange". i know when it's happening and the best thing to do is zone out. this is when it is SO HARD for me to talk. i can't even mumble. i mean it. i want to talk. but i cant. i try but words won't come out. i say them in my head but they won't come out of my mouth. i become a shell. that's how i was last night when mary rubbed my head. now i feel like i owe her something. so she spilled all of this stuff to me today and it really takes a lot for her to spill stuff to me. i mean it. i could see her eyes tearing up. all because she loves her kids. pissed me off cause one rodney is 'hurting' her and he can't even see it. this is when the bodyguard in me comes out. i want to kick his ass so he can't hurt her anymore. i know, stupid. i at just want to do something so she won't hurt anymore. she doesn't deserve to hurt. made me think. i'm kind of the compliment to rodney. he got the affection from his parent, i got the dicipline from mine. i guess you can't have both. i know he's still a bit immature but how can he not see what he's doing to her?
i don'g know. audj said she'd make drinks tomorrow. that gives me one thing to look forward to. one thing. and finall the end to another damn week.
later. |
