| it's sunday, or at least it will be for another ten minutes. i was going to come straight home and go to sleep but i knew i had home work so i spent a long time fixing my computer and printer and i did it so i figured i'd come this far, might as well do my home work, at least what i could. i don't have one of the programs so i have one thing that i have to get printed out tomorrow durring class. i hope he takes is. so this whole mary thing.....well, i am scared that they'll take her but i'm more scared of something else. i'm scared that this will tear us. maybe not split us up but might cause some trouble. dont really know why, just a feeling i got. and i spent almost and entire two and a half days with them and towards this evening, i think we were all getting on each other's nerves. mary was ok till audj made afew comments when we took apart her exercize machine. see, that's mary's and my favorite thing, taking stuff apart and puttin stuff together. i'm not saying that audj isn't welcome to help, she just won't shell say that it's our thing and let us be. i mean she gets all down on herself sometimes. mary doesn't like that and she'll say "oh honney". i'm indifferent to audj helping. it's kinda like this is a bonding thing that mary and i have. i spend most of my time with audj cause of mary's and my own work schedules. they sometimes clash. and on saturdays, audj and i don't work and mary does. so i spend the day with audj and i would n't trade that for the world. i just don't have anything with her. that's why this odd man out thing really doesn't work. and then sometimes i feel like i don't belong here. cause mary and audj got this life together and i'm just kinda there. i mean i go to school and work but i don't enjoy that. i'm tired of work and having to hide everything from my co-workers and then go to school and sit for three or four hours counting the seconds till i can go...but that's the deal. go where? i like schedules cause it let's me know where i stand, where i am. that i have some sort of control, but there is a point where there HAS to be a change. and i don't see my changhe coming any time soon. i wouldn't trade what i have for anything, but i'm stuck again. i've got parents who have tought me all i know about life and they did n't do enough. i had to go out and find someone to hold me when i cry and i had to go out and see that there is not existance with out love. nothing. my parents didn't instill that in me. they tought me to be fair and take care of my own and then when i tryed to do that, when i tried to help out one of the best "mamma's" that anyone could ask for, he turned me away. told me it wasn't my problem. i shouldn't be involved or some shit like that. and that's exactly what it is. shit. i could not tell you that last time my daddy looked me in the eye and said ' i love you' my mom and i say it only couse it 's something i started when she had cancer cause i didn't know that i would see her again. and now days she doens't want to do anything cause shes tired and dreained. she sleeps as much as she can but that's about it. if she has a diabetic attack when someone'snot here, it's probably gonna do alot of damage. and every time it's happened, my father has been out of town. it's been just me. i can't deal with that. she's so fragle. dude, i'm so frustrated about everything, this weekend, march, how that hell i'm gonna get out of here, if i'm acutally gonna make it. i'm so tired of pipedreams. i jsut tired. later |