| the shit has officially hit the fan.it's mary. something has come up and now she might have to go away for a while. i don't know how long. and to tell you the truth, i can't even give you a good reason as to why. all i know is that if she leaves, it's gonna disrupt the lives of at least 13 other people. it's not entirely her fault but she's got to pay. and the worst thing is that if her mom dies while she's gone, she can't go to the funeral. if nita has the baby (IF), she can't go see it. and i'm so pissed off. just pissed. i have to think of reasons not to beat the shit out of people. i can't fix this. if i find a way to get together three grand, that's only gonna save the problem for a little while. so it looks like she's leaving. they won't be able to make the rent. they'll have nowhere to go. audj and i'll think of something but what about the rest. rodney won't get a job. cathy can't live alone. where will they go? and i only make about 3-400 a month and that's not enough to fix this. so confused and pissed....stuck. i was sittin at work this morning peeling some vinyl. it was quiet. it usually is and i hate it but i spent this morning thinking of ways to fix this. maybe i could find a lawyer that would work for cheap. maybe we could run. maybe we could go find the ass hole and kill him. but mary's right. won't solve anything. and if i'm in jail for killing the ass hole, i won't be able to be with mary or audj. so the best i could come up with was that we needed to save as much money as we could to move when she comes back. i know it's not much, but i'm stuck here. need to clear out my head as much as possible. i'll talk with audj as see what she thinks. i saw mary cry about it last night. hate seeing her cry. it just breaks my heart. she's supposed to be the strongest one of all of us and when she's hurting, it just kills me. i never know what to do, what to say. so i left and went home. then i stayed up till a little after midnight looking up information on the internet to try to help the situation. nothing worked all that well but i'm not giving up till i know we have the upper hand. i did have one good thought though. i want them to get married before all of this. just a simple ceramony. very simple. just family and close friends. maybe not even friends. just about 10 of us. have shawn marry them. then mary will have something to look forward to when she comes home. i don't know. some days are just like that. i'm secure in my world and then momething cracks the dam and the water starts rushing in and it's all i can do to stay afloat. but this time will be different. i'm going to be the strong one this time. it's my turn to take the brunt of everything. there isn't anything physically yet so i'll be there emotionally till i can think of something to do. anyway, that's it for now. don't know how much i'll be writing in the future. i thought about hawkin my computer so i could get a couple hundred more bucks but i don't know if my dad will let me do that. it's my computer but he'll get mad. if i do gat rid of it, the only time i'll be able to update this thing in whem i'm at school. sucks too cause this is the only journal that i've been able to keep. thank's for listining. -later |