| This has been one of those days. Probably cause everyone in the family is getting sick. mary and i are both trying to will it not to happen but i don't see avoiding it. my back has been hurting me a lot lately....and my heart hurts, kinda. don't know why. i think i'm just lonely. yea, that's got to be it. a lot of songs going through my head right now. i'm trying to drown them out with the sound track to 'what women want' but you know how that goes. i told my shrink about my plans for colorado. that's all i told her. i haven't seen her except once since november. she wants me in to see her in a week or so. i'm kinda iffy about it cause of everything with shannon. that's not something you just bring up out of the blue and how in the hell am i going to fit it into a 50 minute hour? this will undoubtedly kill me...or at least it will feel like it. and then she'll want me in the next week. don't know if i can handle all this. i know it's cause i'm scared shitless. she's like a parent and i'm not going to tell my parents till i move out. don't know what to do......she also said that another one of my shrinks has my test results from all that ink blot shit, but she also has another test for me to take. damn.......ok, i'm listening to 'mack the knife'. feeling a little better......audj said that she started a diary on opendiary.com. not real sure about that. i mean that's cool and everything, but i only have a selected few that i'll allow to read this (course if someone stumbles on it i can't help that). on the other hand, that opendiary stuff might work cause what do i care what someone i don't know thinks?...i was surffing at audj's and ran across doctor phil on oprah. there were couples on there where one had a problem with jelousy and the other was suffering cause of it. made me think. i'm down about myself sometimes but shannon was right about something, when i do that, i not only sell myself short, i sell other people short. i guess i've got to figure out how to change. or at least i'll get to where i won't let others know i'm thinking it. either way, i'm not being fair to others. i've spent the better part of the day thinking about colorado. i've got so much to do before i/we leave but i want to get started now. i'm gonna trash 4/5 of everything in my room. i'm serious. the only thing i'm leaving is my furnature and my water bed. my sister will take over my room. that will be wierd but hey, it's her turn. before i even start on my room, i'm going to trash everything in my car except the cds. then maybe people will fit in my car. i'm kinda excited at the thought of starting over completely. i'll be completely in charge of my laundry, my food, gas.....dude, this is going to be hard, but let me at it. oh, i have no doubt that i'll get discuraged between now and then, but i'll remember two things: "my fear is my only carrage so i've got to push on through"(bob marley) and "this time, don't assume anything, just go, go, go" (amy ray). the quote by amy is also something that a very special person tought me, to cover my butt and don't assume anything and that the only one i have to depend on is me. it's up to me to make it. today is her birthday but i left my cell at the apartment and that's the only place i have a number on her. and i'm not even sure that i have the correct number. anyway, i bet she's on vacation with her family so i'll give her a call and see if i reach her voice mail. i haven't even told her yet. of all the people i have to tell, i'm extra nervous about her (excluding my parents) cause she is the one who helped me to realize that yea, i was different but that it's ok to be different. yea.....well, i think that's all for now. but thanks for reading. |