Christmas was a happy occasion. Yani was well and enjoying life, playful and happy. She was delighted with her new �baby� Hogan whom we got at the end of October. I was worried at first, thinking she might resent him and agreed to take him on a trial period to see how it went. I was realistic enough to realize that Yani would not have a long life expectancy and I could not get a replacement I would rather have an addition and that is how Lord Hogan of Buckrobyn entered our family. I could not have been more wrong. Yani idolized him. It was almost as if he was �her� baby. They loved each other�s company and over the first three months of 2002 I saw a Yani I never believed I would see again. It was magical.

Even though her fur did not seem to want to grow back I was not too worried, it was summer and it did help to keep her cool. She was doing so well we attempted to reduce the Prednisone. Her diarrhea/loose stools were still a major problem. I then heard of success with a product called Diabac but as per usual, customs stopped my attempts at bring this into New Zealand.

Two members of the IBD list, Lynn and Judi, both took a big risk and smuggled Diabac into NZ for me, guised as �essential oils�. The post office in America must think I run a massage parlour or something. The Diabac worked and finally� we had a visit from the �firm poop fairy�.

At the beginning of March Yani started losing weight again.  Her poops were the best they had ever been thanks to the Diabac. The HA that was in the freezer had started to crumble so I did not want to continue with that. Gradually I weaned her over to the Ultra ZD and she finally seemed to tolerate it. She was not sick, her poops were fine but she still was losing weight.  Her blood tests showed elevation in her liver enzymes prior to the attempted reduction of the Prednisone. They started to reduce when the Prednisone was reduced. As she began to decline I had to decide what to do. With the lower dose of Prednisone she was not happy, she acted like she had a tummy ache.  When we increased the Prednisone back she became happier and more playful.  I decided then that quality of life was now more important. 

For two weeks Yani was really happy. 

On Monday the 18^th March she developed some sores on her mouth, they were just by her two canines on her upper jaw. I thought she might have rubbed them. Later that afternoon on checking her mouth, it was full of tiny red spots, �petechial hemorrhages�. I took her to the vet who soon realized that Yani was now at a point of total immune collapse. Her liver was enlarged and she was in a bad way.  

We had to decide what was fair to her. Her mouth was sore she could not eat properly. She had EPI which made her forever hungry and she was unable to eat. We discussed things as I held her close and we all realized the time had come for Yani to find peace.  

I took her home to say goodbye to the family and I was to ring the vet when the time was right.

This was so hard. I had fought so hard for her. She had tried so hard. I wanted to do more. I did not want to let her go. 

Yani had been responsible for many great friendships. She had become part of many people�s lives. Not to have her with me anymore was the hardest thing to accept. She as part of me, part of my very soul. Now I had to do what was best for HER, not me. Watching her that afternoon and seeing how she labored without complaint and just wanting to be close confirmed my decision and I made the worst phone call of my life.

Mike, my wonderful vet, would visit the following day, and with her family present, those who loved her the most, we would together send her on to a journey of peace and tranquility, never to suffer again.

I spent the following day holding her and stroking her, apologizing for not being able to help, asking for forgiveness in this deed I must do. Those eyes of her locked with mine as if she understood.

When Mike came to the home with his nurse Kathy, we all talked and examination confirmed this was the right thing.  

Yani was lying on the carpet with her head on my lap. Mike went over to get his bag and as he did that Yani got up and went and lay on her bed. Like she knew.

I had hoped with all my heart that she would just slip away quietly once the injection was given. 

Unfortunately this was not the case. As Mike inserted the needle, Yani struggled, she screamed, was she telling me NO, don�t give up on me, please try harder. I held her head in my arms and talked to her as she struggled to get up. My heart and soul were breaking, I felt like a murderer, forcing her to lie as I killed her. Then she went limp and those eyes of hers locked with mine for the last time and as I told her I loved her, her head dropped gently into my arms and with one final sigh she was gone.

Mike was heart broken, apparently this occasionally happens, about one in every 200 or so� Why Yani, why was it not peaceful like when my cat went to the bridge. The sounds of her last moments were unbearable. I could not get them out of my head.

I would not let them take Yani with them, I must have just lain there with her for a couple of hours, my heart was broken. Her life was ended. Never again will she load her flybox and press the pad for the ball. Never again will I see her carry her food bowl down the hall or paddle in her little wading pool.

Her bed is empty, the pool put aside. The house is empty. Hogan is lost without his mum. He tried to wake her up by nudging with his nose and whimpering.

Finally we took Yani up to the vet so that an autopsy could be done and for her to be sent for cremation.

Mike stayed behind at the surgery and performed the autopsy and the following morning when they came to collect Yani for cremation, the nurse later told me, that Mike personally carried Yani, wrapped in her favorite blanket, to the waiting vehicle and gently lay her in the back. He was crying as he did this. Yani had become so special to everyone.

Yani now sits on my cabinet, she is in a wooden casket with a plaque on it that simply says, Yani 28.5.99 � 20.3.02. Around the box is her collar and tags, and I small rose is inserted into her collar. She will be with me forever. When my time comes, Yani will be placed in my hands and once again we will be together.

Only once I a lifetime is there that �special gift� and Yani was mine.

I thank everyone who had a hand in helping Yani. From countries far away and those who live close.

I thank Brian & his GSD Henny, without their support and unselfish friendship Yani would not have been able to have surgery for her spleen. Henny was her blood donor. Brian�s support and love of Yani equaled my own. My husband Rob, for being there to feed Yani when I had competitions that Yani was not able to travel to.

To EVERYONE on the IBD list, to EVERYONE on the EPI list and EVERYONE on the Long Haired Shepherd list. Your messages, support and love during the time that Yani and I were part of your groups were amazing. You all gave me the courage to go on when those in my own country were saying �you have done enough�.

My instincts were what originally alerted me that all was not right, despite no real visual clues. Just the uncomfortableness that �something� was wrong.

To all of you who care for dogs, never doubt your instincts. You know your dog better than anyone. If you feel strongly that �something� is wrong, don�t be put off by a wait and see approach.

With the help of my specialist Mark Robson, my wonderful vet, Mike Small, and in his absence Louise, Tiffany and Kevin, Yani had much longer than we originally thought. She knew nothing but love and comfort. Her life was meaningful. She taught many so much in such a short time.